nymets86

Yeah, traveling with someone can certainly bring out tensions. Even in people you don't have any friction with, traveling can create it.

For me the weekend was OK. Between work and school, I'm extremely busy right now. The daylight savings I'm sure didn't help as it was dark this AM when I got up, and I think that combined with how busy I am combined with me screwing up my computer trying to upgrade the version of Windows led to me just feeing overwhelmed this AM.

I've now got my computer fixed and am checking small items off my to-do list, which is helping to boost my morale. I think a few days this week will be late nights at the office, but I'm fine with that. From past experience, I've found that just working hard will help the depression wear off.

ReadyOrNot123

I know exactly how you feel Mets. I don't really know why the time change throws me for a loop so much. It's just an hour. But it generally takes me about a week to stop feeling "off". And computer problems, forget it. Both at the same time? No wonder you were having a day.

I actually was able to leave fairly close to normal time today. I did get my passport application dropped off this morning, and we're just about booked. My sister's taking care of it, and we wound up going for an additional day, and staying at a 5 star hotel. I think her new marriage has notched things up on the luxury scale - I would have been happy in a 3 star hotel but hey, it's a long weekend, so why not. I constantly fight my inherent frugality (some would say that's a euphemism for cheap, and I'd probably be one of them). My nephew's excited, and this should enable us to do some really fun stuff without feeling completely rushed.

In the meantime, I'm feeling super-anxious for reasons that are completely unknown to me. Perhaps it's because I have never been this spontaneous before. I have a month to get used to the idea.

As an aside, I'm doing well in the not-spending category (about to be shot to hell due to the trip, but that's ok with me), and was doing well on the sugar until today when I stopped and got a cookie, some peanuts and a candy bar, and ate them all at once. And yes, that's how I drank too - too much and too quickly.

All for now.

ReadyOrNot123

Good morning. Well it's funny that I'm going to report the spending seems under control, unless of course you count the outflows associated with the upcoming trip and a birthday dinner and gifts for my mother-in-law who turns 80 today. But I haven't bought a sweater in two weeks! In my mind, it's different and makes sense. The sweets - well I have had a bad week on that, so today I will need to get back on track. After the birthday cake of course. Many of the same feelings of shame and "how come I can't just stick to it" that I have with drinking come into play with the sweets (big difference - sugar doesn't make me stupid). Now that I have a goal of losing 10 lbs. before the trip, and it's a short term goal, maybe I'll be more successful.

All for now. Happy Hump Day.

nymets86

The vacation deadline for a diet sounds like a good plan. I am trying to find the motivation I had for the wedding, but can't seem to do it.

This week is going way better for me than it was Monday. Feel like the doldrums are lifting, though yeah, I'm fatigued and honestly feel jetlagged. Coming back from Australia last year was about the same feeling. My last two trips to Europe were no problem at all. I'll chalk it up to being a bit older.

I've been in the office late every night this week and yes, I'm a bit stressed, but I'm powering through the pile of work and am confident tomorrow I'll be done by noon so I can watch the Duke game with nothing to worry about.

It's obviously St. Patrick's day and the NCAA tournament, but these were the two milestones I cleared in 2015, so I'm fairly confident and not really worried about the temptation to drink. It's a bit of an odd sensation being a year into this sobriety effort and there's some muscle memory. I remember a year ago thinking it would be very hard to get through the NCAA tournament without drinking, but now I'm more worried about the fact I got roped into doing like 6 brackets and have spent over $100.

Ready, on the frugal traveler side....check out Lonely Planet. You'll have 5-star accommodations, but maybe check their restaurant recommendations so you can locate some hole-in-the-wall good eats.

ReadyOrNot123

Thanks for the tip, Mets. I'll check out Lonely Planet. The passport check cleared, so hopefully I'll get that soon - one less thing to worry about (as I age, I seem to worry more and more).

The second year through does make it easier - you know from experience what you can do. Good luck with the brackets, already there have been some big upsets. I hope for a few more, this year I'll be rooting for Wisconsin and of course, Iowa. I don't have any money riding on it though. I do see that Duke won, so you must be pleased.

All for now, I'm beat.

nymets86

Well, I failed miserably this weekend. St. Patrick's day was completely normal and I worked a half day so I could watch Duke. Midday Friday, some coworkers and my boss decided to leave early and watch the games. I decided to go along and had about two or three club sodas before people started taking shots. I've gone through this before, but this time I caved and thought "I'll just have one so that I seem normal." That turned into a lot of drinks and a fuzzy memory. I really don't know if I said anything stupid while I was really drunk. I did get home OK, but I don't remember how I got home.

To compound the problem, I felt so guilty when I woke up Saturday, that I wound up buying booze to ease my nerves and the hangover. I was pretty drunk by the time the Duke game started and I met up with some friends at a bar to watch. I managed to stay in control while at the bar, but when I got back home at 5pm with a large buzz, I just pounded drinks. Not in celebration of the Duke win, but in shame about the night before.

So now it's Sunday, I poured out the remaining booze and I'm drinking a lot of water. The mental anguish is worse than the physical discomfort. I'm so ashamed and honestly worried about what my boss might say tomorrow morning.

I reached out to my parents this morning and made plans to go home next Friday for the weekend. I have a visit with my therapist scheduled for Wednesday. I'm not as low as I felt last February, but of my slip ups, this has been the worst and I'd more likely classify as a relapse.

I'm not drinking today and that's a new start. I'm extremely worried about work tomorrow. If it turns out I said or did something dumb Friday afternoon/evening, I'm going to be in a horrible spot mentally, but I'll have to deal with it and move on.

I am going to recommit to this website a bit more over the next few days as I navigate through this. I know that I can recover from this.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank, nymets. Wanting to appear normal seems to be one of your triggers?

have you ever worked your way through this link?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D

nymets86

I have used that before, thanks.

One thing I've been doing is writing down things on almost every day. Especially when I'm feeling particularly good and realize how that wouldn't have been the case if I was drunk or hungover.

Right now, I'm still so nervous about tomorrow that I'm having trouble concentrating enough to really tweak my plan. But yes, wanting to fit in has always been a problem for me and has been the source of a lot of my recent slips and then this all out two-day bender.

ReadyOrNot123

Of course you can make it through, and stop worrying about what you may have said to your boss. Unless you think you may have insulted him or the job in some way, drunk talk is what happens in bars. And since I have never heard you dwell negatively about your boss or your job, I sincerely doubt it happened on Friday. And if anyone asks you about it, tell them that's the reason why you usually stick to club soda and that will teach you - make it more of a ha ha moment, and then stick to it.

But that's strategy for the future. In the "right now", you just have to keep from giving into the shame and stop drinking. In a few days, this will be less of a monumental event, unless you give in again.

Dee's right, we all have to deal with being out of place in a drinking world. It's not easy. And as a fellow sports fan myself, I can attest that there's also something very strong about the correlation with sports and bars.

I have no pearls of wisdom for you Mets but I am pulling for you.

nymets86

Thanks Ready

Dee74

sorry if the links redundant for you nymets - no harm no foul

How do you think you might approach wanting to appear normal or worrying about what folks think about you in future?

D

ReadyOrNot123

It'll be ok Mets.

nymets86

Well, I was in bed from 9:30-7, but it was a fitful, anxiety riddled sleep. Loads of terrifying dreams about what will happen today. Still exhausted. Going to try to sleep a bit more and head in to work at about 8:45, then face the music.

Had zero desire to drink yesterday and as of right now, the last thing in the world I want to do is drink. I just hope that doesn't change after what does down at work.

Dee,
Thanks for sending those again. I was good to read them again. As far as wanting to feel normal, I don't know if that feeling will ever fully go away. I plan to think on that piece more in the coming days/weeks, but for now, I'm worried about keeping my job (I really don't believe that's in jeopardy) and making sure that my reputation at work is good (that's in jeopardy because of my actions).

nymets86

So my boss is out sick today, which kinda stinks.

With that said, I spoke to the co-worker that sent me the text asking if I was OK and he explained that I was in a good mood and wasn't bothering anybody. He said he noticed I was way too drunk to speak properly and then he brought me outside to get a taxi.

So I'm still nervous that my boss will yell at me, but I'm slightly less scared that I did anything stupid and offensive, other than just drinking way too much.

I'm still feeling some of the lingering effects of the hangover, since it was such a bad two-day binge. I'm still nervous about when my boss will be back in and if there will be any discussion.

Happy to report I'm on Day 2, and have now made sober weekend plans for the next 3 weeks. Making plans ahead of time helped me so much last time and am going back to doing that.

ReadyOrNot123

Well you should be thankful for your coworker, I'm sure I don't have to tell you.

Are you planning on joining another one of the daily threads, like the class of March 16? BY NO MEANS am I suggesting this isn't the place for you AT ALL - I care about you and would miss you. But I do agree with you that this is a different situation than the last few drinking instances, and you should get as much support as you can. I'm worried about you Mets. This is the kind of thing that can get out of control quickly and I don't want to see that happen.

nymets86

Yeah, I might join that.....for the time being, I started a "Relapse" thread on the newcomers board and have been getting support there.

For me, February 2015 is still really when this journey began and I feel a bit more in common with you, Ready, than with people just beginning.

And yes, I owe that co-worker a lot. I was pretty frank with him that I was ashamed/embarrassed and he said that it's happened to him before and that he's got to conciously cut back at work events. I told him that I was planning to take "the next few months off." He's someone I know decently well, but not well enough to to be like "I've been trying to kick this and Friday was an absolute disaster for me mentally."

So yeah, I appreciate the support Ready.

Dee74

Mets while I appreciate this maybe be home for you, sometimes I think we can get a little too comfortable for our own good.

I'm glad you started another thread

D

nymets86

Just checking in. Slept a lot better last night than the night before and went for a jog outdoors, rather than the gym. It's a bit more invigorating and hadn't done that in months.

Feeling like I'm getting a bit more back on track, but still fully aware that I need to take it more seriously now and not wind up where I'm OK with occasional slips as it sets up for the horrible binge I just had.

ReadyOrNot123

Good I'm glad. The important part is to not dwell on this as a failure because in my experience, that kind of thinking gets you nowhere fast. You're right, you started the journey over a year ago and the journey continues. Stick with it Mets - you've seen things go south in a remarkably quick period of time, so the good news is that you don't have to wait through a period of time where things seem like you can manage them only to find out that it's not the case. It doesn't sound like good news, but it is!!

I like that coworker of yours. And you've set the table for future events - good for you.

I hope you continue to feel better as the week goes on.

ReadyOrNot123

I found your thread Mets. I really love how honest you are and how well you take feedback from others.