PennyLane76

[QUOTE=TroyW;5472234]Ladybug, glad I'm not alone in the emotions department. Yeah, I think it just takes time. Personally, I'm planning it to last around 6 months at least, as I've been drunk for past almost 14 years. I'm assuming it's almost like trading in one set of emotions for another

LetitGo, I find it helpful to hear everyone's tools and try them out to see what fits as well. TroyW, have a great sleep! YT has been helpful too, are you the one who recommended documentary Rain in My Heart? I'm keeping busy looking up things on YT, reading here, avoiding my physical trigger place as much as possible ( darn store) . Trying to up exercise while managing the pain I was anesthesizing with wine (didn't even realise that, Doh! ) I suppose I view my AV more as a real being than RR suggests. A bully that sucks souls like a Dementor that I fight, and the cursing and telling it to eff off I'm enjoying a bit. Hope that lasts! Last day or two finding I am more forgetful short term, like just now I wanted to respond to what others posted but forgot already sorry. I guess cognitive takes a bit to even out, as well as emotions and sleep.

I believe I am older than many here, and have gone through the wringer with physical/mental withdrawal over last couple of weeks , more than I have posted here because I was tired of my litany of symptoms . Twice I almost went to ER thinking I was having a heart attack in middle of night due to crushing weight on chest. It was withdrawal. I just want to congratulate you younger folks for taking steps now. It just gets worse, and harder to stop, and to be self aware enough to make changes now you should be proud for being here, getting back up on the horse when you fall off. Not saying us older ones shouldn't be proud, , just saying I was as self aware as a potato until about age 35, and obviously in denial about alcohol until 50s so it's great to see others stopping this nasty progression in its tracks early on.

Stay strong everyone this Sunday or Monday!

angd1978

I hit a small mini-goal of 15 days sober! Today, I start day 16 and I have not really had any cravings this whole time but I am taking every piece of advice to heart that I hear from our group and putting them in my alcoholic tool belt. I know that as soon as I go back to work in two weeks the temptations will come. I have a lot of emotions and still have anxiety but I feel like my brain is starting to heal and I am getting my personality back little by little. I am a teacher and I can't afford to lose my cognitive function, which in looking back it almost feels like I was destroying little pieces of my brain. My AV is in effect everyday causing me to think forward in life and making me constantly think that there is no possible way for me to last a lifetime without so much as one drop of alcohol. It is not sending me out to the store now, but it sure is a sneaky little ba$tard! I can only live for this day!

wallup

Checking in! Howdy

whiteturtle

I am checking in, Day 20; I'm so sorry I haven't been able to respond to individual posts the past few days, but I have been reading everything (spent about three hours straight reading on here instead of going to the store yesterday). I am really proud of everyone for posting here, even and especially when things have been hard. For those starting sobriety over, that is what matters, not how many Day 1s. I am happy to read all your posts, whether negative or positive. It is just so humbling and helpful to know we are not alone.

I have been very depressed the last few days. I read somewhere online that depression and anxiety can kick in at about 3-6 weeks into sobriety, so maybe that's what's going on (I am a couple days away from having three weeks under my belt). It has made things so hard, though, because I figured if I am this depressed and unhappy with the day without alcohol, surely reintroducing it is the best thing I can do..because what's the point of sobriety if it isn't helping me? Reading that it can be a symptom of the continued "withdrawal," or even PAWS (which I'm not sure it can be that since I have had no physical withdrawal at all), makes me think okay, I may just have to keep sticking it out, and this depression actually means I am on the right path.

I hate feeling so disinterested in everything and lazy, though. For some reason, drinking wine makes me feel like I can get more done; if i could drink, I feel like the tasks of getting laundry done or showering would be far less daunting. I guess the wine would take the edge off worrying about mustering the energy? Make me feel like I am rewarding myself for getting things done? I know the reward should be that the chores are done...but whether it is the AV or just me being messed up, it feels like it's harder to get things done without wine.

My in-laws (for lack of a better term, as my boyfriend of 8.5 years and I just aren't married yet) are squabbling and being impossible over his brother's wife's baby shower and a years-long feud with their sister that is threatening to tear the family apart and ensure that the imminent grandparents never get to be a part of their future grandchild's life. Very long story there, but my boyfriend has vowed to cut his sister out of his life, and I am in the middle of the whole thing because I have remained on normal terms with everyone. I wish I could just sit them all down and work this out rationally, but it's not entirely my place...and all I can think is that I just need to drink the day away and drown these issues surrounding us in wine.

Being so depressed, my recent AV has been very powerful. I am not sure how it is that I still haven't given in, despite basically whole-heartedly wanting to. I know I should have a concrete plan in place, but I don't feel I have the energy...I can't even get myself into the shower this weekend! I feel like such a mess, and it just seems easiest and most comforting to slip back into how I was coping (wine) three weeks ago.

I just want to be happy. If I was ashamed and hazy and just functioning by society's standards when drinking, then I am depressed and lost and without drive when sober, why bother fighting so hard to be sober? It's a losing situation either way, but the sober path is harder.

This doesn't feel like my AV talking. It feels like my helpless, depressed, exhausted brain wanting to stop having to fight.

Sigh.

BringingBackB

I watched 'Rain in my heart'. Wow It just shows how fine the line is..
Anything to get that AV to shut up though. I had a SMART meeting tonight and they recommended thinking of it as that sleazy salesmen trying to scam you off with a scam.

I think I may call it Mr. Sleaze from now on...

KeepingOn

Great start to yesterday, as I posted. Busy all day.

Stumbled in the evening -- too fatigued, I guess to say "No.'' Dumb.

Back to square one; the battle begins again.

KO

whiteturtle

Ugh. Waiting in line to check out at the store right now. I came with the purpose of buying wine. Of just enjoying myself and indulging in what I know would make me happy for the last five hours of my weekend.

I nearly cried in frustration and just stood in front of my favorite, familiar 1.5L bottle, imagining being able to pour a glass of it. I was trying to play the tape ahead, to picture the end outcome, but all I could see was enjoying myself and feeling okay again. Dare I utter the alcoholic phrase, feel normal. I thought of having to reset my days of sobriety back to one, and nearly screamed there in the store with the frustration of knowing that I do have the willpower to stay sober. If I didn't, I could just abandon this all, blame it on the disease, and then enjoy my life. Instead, I walked away from the wine to get my second 2L of Coke in as many days and head dejectedly for the register.

I am annoyed that I know I can stay sober, whether I feel like it or not. I don't want to fight it anymore, I just want to give up and go back to the way things were. I was functioning, and my drinking never truly hurt anyone but me. And yet, here I am, committed apparently to making myself miserable.

/pityparty. Sorry everyone. I am so full of emotions, largely negative, and I can't really make much rational sense of them. I am just mentally exhausted from the fight to be sober.

KaleGrrl

WT, people say the mood swing gets better with time. Maybe you should see a doctor. It's good to find things to do, join things, get involved with other people--I don't know what your life is like but I do know I have to do some things differently, change my routine and work on my problems while in sobriety. Eating healthy, exercising and accomplishing things I've put off helps, too. But I know it's hard when you feel badly all the time, so maybe your doctor can prescribe something or you could look into counseling as well. Hope you feel better with a little time.

Kaiflyguy

Glad you walked away with just that 2L Coke Whiteturtle. You stood strong. It is a tough fight each day and at that magical hour each night. The good side of it is you will feel great in the morning and will be fine. I have been to a few pity parties myself. Best to leave that party and know we are here with you. Keep up the good fight.

SansaS

Starting afresh day 1. Going to the gym as part of my sober plan.

lovehoops

Hi all,
Just checking in. Still hot in NY but I love it!
Sansa and FABL, I'm glad you're here. Keep posting, stay close ....we are all in this together! Remember that drinking only adds to the problem, never the solution.

I actually had a good day...feeling much better emotionally. I spent the day with my daughter!!! Surprise surprise!!! I guess our conversation yesterday may have hit her heart just a bit. We live near the water on eastern Long Island so we went down to the beach for a few hours, then got massages and then a quick bite for dinner.. My treat for all but it was well worth it!! I used as much of all of your pieces of advice as I could remember when we spoke yesterday....so I truly thank you all xoxo
Have a great night everyone

lovehoops

Just saw your post WT... Always grab a coke!!

toadie54

lovehoops, great report on your weekend, glad you are making the connection with your daughter.

Timeforchange18

Hey everybody. I joined at the beginning of the month and have had a few false starts. I've decided enough is enough and am now on day 5. I've found that the stay sober weekend thread is very helpful as well. I know I need to post in here as much as possible and now I am looking forward to next's weekend stay sober thread so I can say I'm 10 days sober. As I said in the weekend thread I really appreciate every posting and am reading as much as I can on here. Without all the great people on here I wouldn't have even made it this far. I am also the chat room and online meetings on here very useful. Feel free to come and chat with me in the chat room if you want. We can do this. One day at a time. Be safe everybody.

Dee74

Sorry I haven't been around much - battling a migraine of a few days duration.

Congrats to everyone hitting a milestone or coming back for another go.

The thing I really want to impress on people is this is early recovery - it's hard and rough - but it won;t always be like this., It does get better

get through this early period and you can tackle anything.

Stay strong - you're all worth the effort

D

DitzyDandelion

SansaS and FABL I am glad you both sound so positive about moving forward. I know you reset your days but it sounds like you have both grown and learned from the experience and are in a good place to stick it out now.

WT I really feel for you. While you may feel really down you need to remember that walking out of that store with your coke was amazing. You should feel proud. As someone else said you could seek help for the depression and remember the only way to know for sure if it will lift without a drink is to try. Also remember the drink will only make it seem it went away for a few hours. Then you will feel more down as alcohol is a depressant. Then the next day you will feel really down from the combination of the hangover and feeling you have to start over.

I struggled a bit today. I didn't really feel close to getting a drink in but I felt bad. Hung out with my brothers a bit which was lovely. For some reason it made me miss drinking as both like a drink to unwind (although weren't drinking today) and both manage to know their limits. Well for one he has always been able to drink sensibly. The other is regularly tested and monitored at the hospital due to fatty liver disease and has to moderate drinking and watch his diet. I know it must have got further than he'd like as he has not become worse but it has not got any better either. Thinking of that my Uncle died due to alcohol abuse ( He used to be very smart and very rich. No one knows how much of his property he sold off to drink or whether some he just forgot about. My Mum and nan had to collect him from an institution in Spain after being picked up on the st, he traveled a lot for business and pleasure. He left a car there as no one knew where it was. Wound up homeless a long time after everyone sorting a flat out for him and him selling the furniture for drink. This the man who won a classic car at a card game and threw a set of expensive golf clubs in a lake cause he lost a game. He was a hell of a character) and my Cousin is addicted to alcohol and coke. Thinking of her should spur me on as she was pretty smart and articulate but when I do see her she seems rather tragic. Her speech is effected and her train of thought seems muddled. So far so my partner thought she was mildly ******** at first. I am well aware that is more the drink than the coke. So perhaps there is some genetic predisposition there from my mothers side. It skipped her (though she liked a Sherry after work and on holidays wine was called moms pop, she actually never got drunk and could leave it as and when, her final year or two she didn't drink as she was sick a lot which turned out to be bowel cancer and she passed when I was 19) and my Dad probably has no more than one maybe two drinks a year. It just never seemed to interest him. My Dad is awesome by the way (total daddies girl lol).

Troy I had been watching the you tube documentaries too. Some can be a double edged sword as so many include extreme cases and AV says well your no where near like that. I know it's a matter of when, not if, though if the booze carried on.

I am sorry for the rambling. I was really down this afternoon and went for a lay down and woke up at 1:30 AM. It's rare for me to be out of my usual sleep pattern and my brain is a bit all over the place. I am now into the very start of Day 6 though.

BobBFree33

Finishing up a stressful day 16. Drove 300 miles to the beach with the boys and that went well. The timing on going to the store was off though. So I ended up at 5pm walking by the wine section...hungry....felt like whistling in the graveyard....But I made it. I was able to turn off the internal dialogue which, of course would have ended up talking me into how great it would be to drink! After dinner we had a scare. My son's insulin pump shut down and I had to call tech support. It was blocked tubing and we solved it. I wonder if I was sauced if I would have solved that one as easily considering how critical it is?? My internet sucks here so I have to type, walk into the other room for the page to load. Some I"m reading some things and missing others.

Great job whiteturtle! You've been beating your brain with a hammer for a while and its not happy! Give it time to recover and just maybe some tiny specs of warmth will creep in. That's what mine's been doing....I mean tiny...but detectable. I lean more toward the physical side of recovery....if we can just quite hammering our brains and give them some time they will recover and things will feel better.

Anyway, crossing my fingers that when I hit the button this post goes through...

DitzyDandelion

Well done BBB.

DitzyDandelion

My Oriental Lilies I bought on Day 2 instead of a bottle of wine are starting to flower. They smell lovely.

KaleGrrl

Lovely, DD! Coincidence--I bought daisies yesterday. So nice to having something cheerful and of more permanence (relatively) than a bottle of wine!