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Class of July 2015 Part 3

Old 07-16-2015, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by angd1978 View Post
I wish I could do both but I don't feel like I am ready to go back out into a busy, eventful life right now. Ughhhhh I am trying not to feel guilty for turning her down a second time this summer.
Congrats on day 13, Angd. Maybe it'll feel great to get out once you're out there. When I've forced myself in that way, I do an "as if" (looking forward to enjoy myself), and I'm often have a nice time or a much needed break from the doldrums. You can always have coffee with your teacher friend another time, initiating it yourself.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:28 AM
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Thanks Kalegrrl! Instead of lying and making up an excuse, as I would've in the past.... I told her the truth about me already having a busy day and plans with another friend. I took time to think about the guilt and realized that there is nothing wrong with saying "no". I have a really hard time doing that without guilt and that has to stop. Trying to please others before making myself happy is what has fueled a lot of my alcoholism.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:36 AM
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I did challenge myself on Day 13 yesterday by going to a local tavern I was frequenting recently for Happy Hour...enjoyed the free appetizers and had a couple diet cokes, stayed about an hour. Saw a few people I know there, just a nod of acknowledgement.

Not sure if it's a little too early in my journey for this, but I can be very strong willed when I make the decision.

I keep thinking that in my IOP therapy I need more tools for abstinence than I'm getting now. From what I see and can deduce I'm on the low end of the addiction scale (if there is one).

I failed the codependency quiz yesterday, which was a good thing...I'm not codependent at all!
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:20 AM
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Morning, Day 3 again and also had drinking dream, weird to remember dreams now. Same 3 am wakeup and tried to get up and do things vs trying to become calm and go back to sleep, not sure what the best strategy is yet. In this dream I was offered a toast in celebration and when I drank this toast which I thought was tea, I became very warm, joyful , felt healed. It was like eating lembas from LOTR. I asked the host what was this wonderful tea and he said it was whiskey (gag). I became sick , devastated and disgusted. I'm glad my brain is not imaginative as so far my dreams have been pretty direct . AV trying to fool me in my sleep, what a jerk!!

SO even though it's a day full of anxiety normally , being a work meeting, I'm looking forward to coming home and opening up my weekly recipe and food delivery and learning to cook again, rather than rushing home to pound down a bottle of wine or more before my husband gets home. The cost for 2 delicious healthy meals is less than I was spending on wine at the store.

Nervous, exhausted, but very resolved and happy ? daresay as I know I will not drink today. We are all experiencing different withdrawals, emotions , etc getting sober, it helps to know others have experience getting thru it. had no clue about nightmares or drinking dreams before reading about them here. Not sure if the one beer monday night set me back on physical withdrawals as it seems sleep issues, anxiety hang on a bit for some, but certainly Im ticked its Day 3 not 8.

Hang in there all!
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:28 AM
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Thank you for the warm welcome!

I have been "pondering" my relationship with alcohol for the past 5 years or so. Last year about this time I did the 100-day challenge and actually make it 125 days. Then the holidays hit. "Whats one glass of wine?!" Well, now 7 months later I have many more drinking days than I do sober days and I am just done. I am done.

My question to you all is what did you have in your toolbox for the first few weeks? The first time I quit, I listened to the Bubble Hour podcast non-stop, which helped a great deal (and is currently playing in my ear). My biggest triggers are anxiety and stress and I have the delusion that drinking will help me relax.
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by 2WheelsGood View Post
Day 37. Woke up at 6AM this morning. Technicolor sunrise was beautiful. The clouds have finally cleared out and the endless rains have subsided. (It's been WET in the midwest USA from El Nino.)

Joints are sore, but that's OK. It comes with being oldish. A hot shower and a cup off coffee on the back deck have me feeling better. Brisk 53F outside, morning dew on the grass, birds singing their lungs out.

It was never this nice when I'd wake up at 8AM still half drunk. The crispness of reality is kind of cool.

Take care all of you. My thoughts go to all who are starting this journey.
Send some rain over California way if you have any influence. We are all dried up!
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:37 AM
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Back from Rocky Mountain NP for a mini-vacay. I thought I'd have time to keep up with y'all, but my internet connection was non-existent. Lots of folks have joined -- welcome! In my brief read-through THIS section (i.e., #3), I saw a reference to Austin. One of my campground-mates was from Austin -- a spray-paint artist!

Sad to be away from the mountains' majesty, but glad to be back on (this) board!

KO
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by 4stars View Post
Last year about this time I did the 100-day challenge and actually make it 125 days. Then the holidays hit. "Whats one glass of wine?!" Well, now 7 months later I have many more drinking days than I do sober days and I am just done. I am done.
This is when my last stint fell apart too. I was about 2 months in and feeling better, and seeing all the booze being gifted, drunk at parties, I started to get jealous and convinced myself I could do that too. I didn't immediately go back to alcoholic drinking, but it was a slippery slope.

Starting day 2 here.

Last night was interesting, I was dreading going to sleep because I knew how frustrating it would be. Sure enough I feel like I could only stay down for ~30 mins at a time, but at the same time in a way enjoyed seeing it was still dark out and rolling back over 20-odd times. Maybe because had I drank the morning and hangover would have come as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Alcohol made 2 appearances in 2 separate 'daydreams' (which is what they felt like with no deep sleep). One was a vision of the usual 1/3 of a fifth of bourbon or wine that would be left in the morning, which I'd dutifully inspect so I could gauge when I needed to get more, the other was some friends stocking up for a party at the store. My reaction wasn't longing for a drink, but "oh no!", and had to remind myself this morning that I made it a day.

Last time I went sober for a couple months I had the same thing lasting a week or two. It took a while to stop literally my first thought on waking being that I drank and have to suffer through another hangover to get to the next one.
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Old 07-16-2015, 10:06 AM
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Hi everyone, I have come to the decision I need to stop (again) so here I am. I hope this time I can do it better
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Old 07-16-2015, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by BobBFree33 View Post
Starting my 13th day of sobriety. Wish I could say I feel all shiny and wonderful, but I don't. But, I do feel hope, and that's good enough for now.

I can relate to everything whiteturtle said. To me, drinking was like being in prison. Trapped, yeah, but I knew that prison very well, every inch of it, all the routines, all the patterns. I knew what to expect.

Sobriety, to me, is like someone opened the jail cell. The outside world is an unknown world, like being in the woods, sorta semi-lost. Their are some half-remembered paths, some familiar places, but, overall, it feels strange and different from the jail cell I was so used to.

But we know we'll find our way and learn to enjoy being free! That's my hope.
I love this too BobBFree, a great analogy...

I took my son to football after work today, normally I would have been itching for a glass of wine. Instead I decided to walk all the way around the park which is quite a long way! It was amazing to see so many people out enjoying themselves playing tennis, jogging, walking dogs, bbq's, playing with the kids, dog walking, just taking a stroll like me etc etc etc.

None of them were drinking and this was after work so tea/dinner time ish. I have been so conditioned for years into thinking that everyone drinks after work. They don't!!!!!

It was really relaxing and I have decided to walk off the stress from work with going for more strolls in the park. You never know, I might even take a pair of trainers and try a little jog here and there

m
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Old 07-16-2015, 01:36 PM
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Hello from me on Day 4.
I slept better last night, after waking at 3am yesterday, and not feeling sleepy til midnight another day.
Welcome to the new posters! and good health to all xx
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Old 07-16-2015, 01:40 PM
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This is going to be a long one so I would grab yourself a tea or juice or mineral water or a Dr Pepper, whatever tipple suits your sober soul, and make yourself comfy.

First off hello to all you wonderful people. I have been catching up on the July club on and off for the past two days. So many of your stories have resonated with me and helped me focus my mind. I have cheered at your ups and I have understood and sometimes shed a tear for your darker moments.

So who am I? I am... sorry WAS yet another of the wine drinkers. Generally one to two bottles though at my worst up to three. Being only 4”11 and about 87lbs this is of course an unsafe amount. A fact I need to remember when just one seems a good idea as just one flips the switch that says another one wont hurt. Not every day of course. Just every day I achieved a lot or every day I screwed something up. Every day I felt productive, every day I felt a failure. Every sunny day, every rainy day. The day I stubbed a toe the day I broke a nail. Every victory and commiseration and moment of boredom. Only those days.

So what's changed. Well everything except that up till now. For ten years the relationship I was in was unstable in many ways. There were good times. There was also abuse. He did have many periods where he had serious issues with drinking, some of which I was pretty sober or rarely drank. Not that I had never had issues I had quit when he needed to for mental health issues and found it oddly easy back then. I remember how I couldn't understand when he'd steal cash out of the rent to get wasted. Felt a punch in the gut every time I found a hidden vodka bottle. Was frustrated every time he said never again and I didn't believe him. Both before and after this period there were bigger issues swept under the rug. It would be easy to suggest the drink as a cause of abuse but it wasn't. It was a symptom, at different times, for both of us of more. The abuse was there on so many sober occasions and was both physical and emotional. The drinking and the way it bought up all my anger about the hidden ignored incidents even made me think I had become abusive. As all would pour out and of course escalate everything.

In this period I had no real day ones. I did have a never ending torrent of Never agains. With each the person I shall call Idiot Drunky became stronger. Idiot Drunky is someone I have never met. All I know is what I have read posted online or messaged or what I have been told. I have never had a clear memory of what it is like to be Idiot Drunky, I just know she scares the hell out of me. She destroys pretty much everything she touches. The never agains became THIS CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN, as Idiot Drunky's behaviour spiralled further and further out of control. She sure seems like some kind of demon that is bent on destruction and so unlike me.

But it did.... In fact it became a drink to forget all the things drink was causing as well as the things it hadn't.

Sometimes your brain makes you feel you would be giving up a constant friend and companion. But then with a friend like that, who can destroy both body and soul, who would ever need enemies?

So back to what has changed. I have left my ex and after a period sleeping on an old camp bed at my brothers have a flat of my own. I didnt really drink much at my brothers. It was a rough time and very low. Felt bad being technically homeless and unemployed and having drunk away a large chunk of life or spent it hidden away scared. Getting my flat and moving my dogs in was such a high......

But then I built up a brand new collection of bottles, a brand new collection of never agains. The first month here has seen drinking escalate along with debt and feeling isolated and stupid. Last week I felt I was on a tightrope in the fog. I knew I had to keep pressing forward as I knew if I fell it would get harder every time to climb back up and the fog would be thicker. I fell.... but I climbed back up and it's not as dark up here as I thought it would be. I think I can see some light this time.

The short version is Hi, this is Day 2 and I talk too much. Oh and I had an interview today and did not use it as an excuse to get a bottle in.
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Old 07-16-2015, 01:53 PM
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Well crap.
Took tomorrow off for floating birthday day off w pay. 2nd job called begging me to come in. They didn't know I was off they're just desperate, so at least I scored points w them, guess. I really wanted a break.... Well how about let's work late today BS, so now I can't make counselor appt. (2nd time).
Work late, break your back, no OT, no day off, no counselor meeting.
Oh yeah my money psycho wife just signed up for a get rich quick scheme before asking me anything about it. Obviously it's a scam so lockdown on her account and lost whatever......WAIT, she was 280$ overdrawn ( thank god I got seperate account few yrs ago when the lights went out a few times w checks bouncing).
I'm still the proud owner of a huge home equity loan from multiple "oh god what're we gonna do" crap because she wants to live above our means. Her family stays like that too do it's not like some immediate evil, I just resent the hell out of having a " 48k- used to be 60k$- car with 182,000 miles on it, while she just went out and bought a junker at a new car price, which she'll lose in a few months. We already don't make bills, so uh..... Let's add a 7 yr 250$ a month car loan ( 7 yrs can you even do that???)
Whoof !
Why do I drink. Like a Gdang country song. Ri-dam-diculous, I swear.
Ya can't make this stuff up !!
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Old 07-16-2015, 02:00 PM
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Welcome to SR, DitzyDandelion! You've made a wise decision joining this Class. Hope you'll be an active participant. I'm not a member of this class (proud member of May 2015 and July 2013 in da house!) but do stick my nose in here pretty often as I love the vibe of this class. These are good people who have drank just like you and want to live a better life just like you. You belong here.

JL2014 -- I can only imagine how frustrating your wife's horrendous financial decisions must be, but we both know that drinking isn't going to make it any better. Hang in there, my friend. Post in here once a minute if you have to. That was nice of you to go work at your other job but don't be afraid to put JL first sometimes.

You're in my thoughts and prayers today, JL. As are the rest of you! Hope you all remember that you do not have to take that first drink today no matter what.
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Old 07-16-2015, 02:00 PM
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Hi DitzyDandelion I am glad you are on day two! Stop now, you are doing yourself a favor. Glad you are here with us. Do you have any other support?

Well I am off to do a 30 minute brisk walk... I am tired and fighting my need to stay inside and do nothing. I don't feel like doing anything. Had a nice lunch including a healthy serving of steamed greens though it seems laughable to try and save myself with healthy habits now. Anyway yeah we are all familiar with that thinking so like the deplorable, sweatshop employing Nike said, I'll "Just do it".
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Old 07-16-2015, 02:24 PM
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Dandelion welcome !
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Old 07-16-2015, 02:43 PM
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Casey yes they seem lovely people. I am sure we have all had times we thought we were terrible people. The closer I get to clear headed the more I can really see how dangerous and unhealthy that relationship was. The alcohol let me believe it was my fault too easily by making me behave in ways that made me feel I deserved it. Now I am out of that toxic situation I should be better set to rebuild. I am a tough cookie really.

Hi sleepie thank you for the kind words. Most people have no idea how bad my drinking got. Perhaps hints, the odd over doing it at family events perhaps. They had no idea about most of what has gone on over the years I ended up pretty shut off. I did finally to turn to people on other issues and have had a lot of support moving out. The pool that know I am struggling with drink is very small but I have been open that I am not drinking anymore. I did announce I no longer drink on facebook a couple of weeks ago. So oops but I was trying to make it stick by saying it.

Hi JL My heart goes out to you hun. It is very difficult when a partner is squashing your sense of control over life. It can make you feel very powerless. Financial stress can be one of the worst and we both know drinking wont solve it. It wont fill the bank account and it wont make you feel better about it all.
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Old 07-16-2015, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by angd1978 View Post
Checking in on the start of day 13. I am forcing myself to go out with a dear friend/co-worker who has been going through her own set of issues this summer. We have stayed on the phone for hours each day growing stronger together, but basically staying away from the outside world. She knows my struggle with alcohol and getting sober, so I am not worried about being tempted to drink. We are supposed to do a bit of shopping for the new school year and go see a movie. I was a little nervous about that but then another old teacher friend invited me to meet up for coffee this afternoon while she's in town. I just felt too overwhelmed to meet up with her too. She's not a drinker. I wish I could do both but I don't feel like I am ready to go back out into a busy, eventful life right now. Ughhhhh I am trying not to feel guilty for turning her down a second time this summer.
I can relate with you soo much! My roommate has a friend that isn't an alcoholic that invites us out on the pontoon boat. I have passed up the past 2 times because I know she will have a few drinks for herself on the boat. Its not her problem that I can't handle drinking, so I can't ask her not to. It sucks but I know it's not a place that I can be on day 11. Thank u for sharing your story & showing me there are people going through the same situations of keeping a distance
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Old 07-16-2015, 03:01 PM
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There is another little situation that impacts on all this. Not ready to go right into it but one the one hand there is someone who cares very much and is very supportive of me not drinking. On the other hand being close to this person at the moment comes with a ton of baggage that is very painful to me. So it creates a mix of huge highs and deep lows that makes it harder to stay stable.
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Old 07-16-2015, 03:32 PM
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Day 11

What's cracking SR Class of July 2015?!?

I haven't posted in this thread for a while so thought check in.

All things being equal: it's been a great 11 days. Physically I had very little withdrawal symptoms. The first day or two I had a little stomach issue but otherwise it was all gravy. 😀

I've been sleeping better and eating better (and less) as when I'd drink I'd tend to eat a big snack before bed. In addition to the 1000-1200 calories of booze I'd ingest. So I've losed a couple pounds and feel less bloated. Also as my drinking progressed I would sweat a lot more and my face was a little more red. Anyway, I feel better
than when I was boozing.

I've decided to stop drinking. I don't want to get over-confident but as long as I stay vigilant; think about not drinking instead of plotting how/when I could drink, reading SR, thinking it through to the regret and depression I'd always wake up with. Why live like that? So that's my focus while I'll build out my plan.

Lots of love and luck sent out to all who are giving it up. We don't need that parasite living off of us!
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