Soberwolf

Congrats 1step

Melina

Hi Lill!!

I'm with you! I'm still battling this thing. Beating myself up for drinking two times this month but I have to remember I was a nightly black out drinker, so I've made progress. I'm not saying that to justify the two nights I drank this month.

I most definitely am an alcoholic and I not only always needed a drink in my hand at home, I was double fisted every night during my drinking career- wine and whiskey, classyyyyy!

I feel really good about not drinking but my emotions are everywhere- mainly anger. Last night I heard some really great music and I was smiling ear to ear and I realized how much I missed smiling instead of angrily judging everyone all the time.

My goal for the day is to look for the good all day- in people, my environment and my thoughts.

Let me know how it's going with drinking at home. Do it if you can control it and doesn't give you any anxiety about doing it, if you start to get worried then try to give it a break for a while. It really is nice to see sparkly eyes and hydrated skin in the mirror! It's vain but I can't see how my liver looks so I'll have to go with the outward indicators

Hugs, Lill!

LillianGish

Music is just the best, isn't it?!! I hear you about the emotions too.

I've read anger is the hallmark of addiction...or something along those lines. I'm no expert in it for certain....I just know that anger feels more powerful than vulnerability. Anger pushes away other icky feelings and I find myself slipping into anger quickly sometimes. That's my own insecurity talking - it feels better to be mad than hurt.

And even worse is swallowing the hurt - in whatever form. Pride or alcohol. Sweep, sweep, sweep under the carpet. And when I'm done sweeping - the hurt is still there because I've never addressed it.

I see the problem. I even know how to resolve it. Doing it....well, I'm a work in progress just like everyone else on the planet.

Like I tell my teen daughters when they tell me they don't know how to do something...."No honey, you don't know how to do it yet".

I'm going to give meditation a try.

Thank you Melina ~ I'll take those hugs and send them right back to you hon. Really happy to see where you're going.

Dee74

Good to see the both of you Lillian and melina

I really hope that works for you Lillian but I have to be honest and say I've never seen that moderation thing work for anyone here for long.

I'm not being critical or judgemental - I just remember how good my own addiction was at lulling me into a false sense of security.

I genuinely hope your experience is different

I hope meditation helps

____________________________________________

when it came down to it Melina, what I really needed to do was change.

I had to find other options besides the bottle, and whatever I wanted that bottle to do for me.

D

Kaneda8888

Hey Lillian

Wonderful to hear from you ! Your career sounds like its going really well which is great as I remember you had that glass ceiling issue.

Hmm, not sure about your drinking. You sound a lot like my sis to be honest. She has to have a drink every night. Has to. Usually 2-3 beers and then she is done. On the odd occasion, she will go to a social event and get waxed. The reason she drinks beer is that it fills her up and she cant handle a greater volume. I am not sure if she is an alcoholic or problem drinker. Her ex drove her crazy; she told me of the huge anger and resentment she had towards him. They just separated last September which I think was a major release of stress. I've never seen her drunk but I do see her with a beer all the time. I think she has fanatical self control....

Anyway, back to you. At the end of the day, if you think its a problem, then its a problem ! I always harp on about a recovery plan as I just cant figure out any other way of staying abstinent. The point of the recovery plan is to change your habits and outlook. Consequently, there isnt one size that fits all. Do give it some thought and of course, bounce your ideas here !

Stay close !

Kaneda8888

Hey Melina and Liilian

Glad to hear from both of you ! I have been doing a Buddhism course which is quite heavy duty but there is a module on Meditation which is free. It is designed for beginners to meditation and Buddhism. The good thing is that the course is designed to enable you to explore Buddhism. Their attitude is if it works for you then great but if it doesnt, then no big deal, just drop it. Happy to share the link with you. Just PM me

Cheers !

LillianGish

D, I obviously was unclear. That's my life story!

I'm quitting drinking. I've been moderating and that is kind of a soul killer for me.

So...I admit defeat, just like about everyone else here who tries.

Stick a fork in me. I'm done!

Dee74

Sorry Lillian

I'm a little sore today, just woke up, didn't have my glasses on...

this was clear

I just missed it

Welcome back

D

LillianGish

Hiya Kane!!
Yes, I still have the bruises from the glass ceiling. Since my company was sold last year, luckily things are starting to change. Feeling optimistic.

Your sister and I sound very much alike in our drinking habits. ...eerily alike actually (except for the husband part). Now I don't feel so weird. Thank you for that.

I went shopping today. My other addiction. I have some nice outfits to wear to work this week, so I'm ok with that right now. I do remember this before....sobriety cost me a lot of money...LOL!

Sending good thoughts from Southern California.
Lillian

phoebe64

So nice to come read back and see all of you here. Melina! Lillian! Nice to hear from you, and good to see updates from Kaneda, and Work. I am still at it here too. Similar to you Lillian, I try a go at moderation here and there and fine my clothing gets tight, I get tired, etc... So, my life never spirals out of control, but I am not my best self when I drink.

So, I am still working on it as well. I feel good though. Progress is happening. So far from the daily drinking, obese woman I once was. I have much less stress, am healthier, and just need to get that last bit done.

It is Rochele, BTW, for those who missed my name change. Never liked Rochele, and I was not really trying to get sober when I first came here and registered that name. So, I gave myself a fresh start with a pretty name.

Melina

Hi Septies!

Nice to see you, Phoebe!

I missed it too, Lill, where you said you were quitting. I thought you were going to try to moderate. Well I'm glad you think quitting is better. I wouldn't judge you either way but I think of how utterly exhausting trying to moderate is, and how mentally uncomfortable it is, and I want better for all of us.

Trying to pretend I can moderate makes me want to scream. I have to rearrange everything to fit the lie and pretend things aren't going downhill, and minimize everything. Like straightening the picture frames in a burning building. But it's all just happening in my mind and I can't truly lie to myself with any measure of comfort.

It is just easier for me to not drink. There is a point every evening at work where I feel a little annoyed and I think about drinking that night. I have no intentions on giving in. My mind pops up with a million reasons why it's not going to happen and everything settles down. It's getting easier and easier, and the urge gets more short-lived each time.

I feel like I have an arsenal in my head that fiercely wants to protect me. When I think of drinking, ALL the reasons not to come at once and on top of each other.

All at the same time I hear, 'you're just hungry. Oh hell no, you'll drive drunk. You'll have a horrific hangover. Your stomach will feel awful. Your head will be in agony. You'll say all the bad things. You'll miss work. You'll miss another beautiful, peaceful morning. Drinking is not an option, I don't drink. Sober is sexy and I'm proud of it. Go eat something instead.' Etc, etc.

I used to be scared when the AV came bc I thought it could get me. But now I think the AV talking is part of the deal for now, and only has the power I give it. I don't feed my AV. Something has changed in me and now I can observe it without giving it any anxiety or emotion. I don't think my AV means I have to drink... What I think it means is I need to take a breath bc I'm irritated, or I need a snack, or I need to get in bed and relax.

That's pretty much it. I don't have that terror that bc I am thinking of drinking means I actually want to drink or am going to. It's just me going back to my 'coping' skills and how I used alcohol to erase time. I am learning new methods to deal with things and I like this way better. I do have confidence that the AV will get quieter over time. I don't have to feel like I'm bad at quitting bc these thoughts pop up. I just don't have to drink over any of the chatter in my head.

The last time I drank I was having a conversation inside myself about how I did not want to be drinking, that it wasn't a useful tool for what I thought I was using it for, and that the hangovers were a hellacious price to pay for something I don't even want to be doing.

There's no relief in alcohol for me anymore. It's not good medicine for me and it hasn't been fun for years.

So, I know I can't moderate, I know I can't drink socially and be ok, I know I can't drink alone and thrive/survive very long, etc. I'm pretty much at the point where it is just easier to put the load down.

I try to stay in a state of openness and flexibility so I remain humble and also connected to a spiritual channel that seems to help with my anger issues. I do this by listening to AA speaker tapes on the way to and from work and I talk to God as if we were listening together. It's fun. Sounds weird but feels great and leaves me relaxed. I cry and laugh with these tapes sometimes. I like where it puts my mind.

That's enough of my bla bla bla. I don't have time to write posts as often as I'd like so I think I needed a major thought dump.

Thanks for being with me,
Melina

Dee74

great post Melina

D

Kaneda8888

Sounds like you're on the right path Melina !

GotGrace

Melina, what a great post. Although I've managed to stay sober, your words are an inspiration to me. You've got it right, friend!

Lillian, I am so glad to see you back here again! I've missed you!

Ipanema

Melina, talking to God is a big part of my day. I think it's amazing, not weird!! After work my drinking urges were the worst. I used to head directly to a meeting, usually very late, and that helped tremendously. The tapes were very helpful too. It's a disease that needs constant reminders of the tragedies that can result from that first drink. Thanks for your post as it was so relatable. Keep coming back, Melina

Melina

Hi everyone,

How's everyone doing? You hanging in there, ladies and gents?

I'm doing well. I'm in a satisfied state of sobriety. I wouldn't call it a pink cloud but it's like a delicious sense of private pride that I'm doing something wonderful for myself.

Every day I reflect on my yesterday and think of all the things that happen during the course of a day that I would usually use as my drinking justification for that night.... when I realize I didn't drink over them, and that it didn't even occur to me or I was easily able to dismiss drinking as an option... I feel inside what it looks like when I see a cat take a big stretch on the floor lazily flopped in a sunbeam. It feels sooooo good.

I drank one time this month, enough research for me again to know what a bogus idea that was. No relief, no fun, no nothing. Crappy hangover, too.

I'm starting to get a handle on some fatigue issues I was worried about. I just had enough strength in me every day to pull a really hard work day, but then I was done. I would sleep as much as possible.

Now I am feeling stronger and I'll see f there's some kind of physical fitness I can incorporate, little by little.

How's everyone else doing? Grace, how'd you stay sober this long? That's amazing and I am proud of you!

Xoxo,
Melina

MrFixit63

Great news Melina...


Fishy

phoebe64

Hi Melina! So glad to see you are doing so well. You really sound different. You sound quite content.

Melina

Hi Fishy and Phoebe!

How are you two doing?

Phoebe, I'm feeling a lot less willing to put up with things, but not in a negative way. I see things clearly now, but also I see that I'm only just starting to see.

I really fuzzed up my poor little brain these past years. I can tell there is some fried spaghetti up there in my head

Becoming even this little bit more clearheaded has helped me make quick decisions about accepting and discarding my behaviors and how I'm treated by others, and how to be productive at work, etc.

I had to make a difficult decision about a relationship recently... I had to evaluate my partner's behavior and decide to handle some short term loneliness as I navigate my way out of the relationship for my long term mental health and peace of mind.

In the past, I would've drank my way through the doubts in order to not have to be alone. I would've continued to not trust this man but accept all scraps of love thrown my way and lived in paranoia of him contacting the ex again. I would've been miserable and make him miserable as much as possible, just to 'stay in love.'

So when you say I sound content, I chalk it up to facing reality, acknowledging I am a little apprehensive about the loneliness, but also realizing that I will be just fine very soon and that I'm really excited to strike out on my own.

I'm content that I realized very quickly he was another one of my fixer-uppers. I have made sure not to mingle any finances in this relationship. I'm content that I'm going to walk away knowing it wasn't going to work and it would have been very constraining and counter productive to enmesh myself with someone who is wrong for me whom I no longer trust.

I have never been this happily sober since I was a child and I find it really exciting. I feel like magical worlds await if I began to practice principles of self care and self love, things I've denied myself my entire life even though I have been characterized as very self-centered and selfish.

Magical worlds for me means real smiles, real contentment, real appreciation for moments of silence, time for reflection and time to really give this sobriety thing the whirl it deserves.

I'm enjoying being sober even though it's not easy every day.

And I hope to capture and savor more moments of being content as I go along this path.

Xoxo,
Melina

Kaneda8888

Hey Melina

Loneliness is an attitude only! It is not fact or physical 😊