FrenchPink

Good Friday evening, boaters.

Thank you to every single one of you for your absolutely incredible messages of loving support for me today. I truly needed all of your cyberhugs. I had hesitated - was kinda embarrassed really - to say anything about losing my job, which is so very insignificant in light of authentically difficult issues some of our May mates are facing. But then, our class is all about helping each other through. Something Thursday had mentioned about one going forward and pulling the rest of us along, too? I think that sentiment is the soul of our class.

My work had offered me opportunities to help many different people, including my bosses, every day in becoming more adept in their profession. There was so much genuine appreciation for the assistance, and my co-workers and I could actually see the positive progress they were making as a direct result. A feeling that's hard to define, but it's both humbling and gratifying.

I took on this job during the later times of fire and brimstone with my ex, including the separation, and subsequent divorce. And finally, gradually reaching back up to the light, emerged a calmer, more thoughtful person. I'm no workaholic, but the job filled many social and emotional voids, albeit in an artificial work culture-ish manner. It also gave me an excuse to continue on as somewhat of a hermit in my personal life, though. It hasn't been a year, yet, but I suppose more progress needs to be made in that arena. Just hit me that I've got the time for that now.

Super-Crew, I had a padlock on my composure all day until reading your heartfelt thoughts to me, and then my tears started rolling. I love the way you write. Thank you for providing the catalyst for a much-needed release. And then, Luling, I read your "What the F are you doing!" frustration with your husband and I laughed so freakin' hard. Thank you for turning my kayak around.

While my work angst pales in comparison to others' more urgent issues, you all treated my pain as if it were comparatively equal in importance. Thank you for that. I am truly grateful. Oh, yes.... and sober!

Saskia

Thanks for asking, Crew -- yes, doing well :-)

Saskia

Dear FP: IMHO, there are no real differences between one pain and another. Whatever difficult thing we are dealing with at the moment is "the worst" in that moment. I don't believe that there is a hierarchy of pain. So yes, your pain is important to you and therefore to all of us, too!

You have incredible strength and are showing it by staying sober and thinking of the good thing of having more time available.

Many hugs!

crewisms

Frenchest Pink. You just made me bawl. Quit it, will ya. No, NO, keep doing it, whatever it is that you do that keeps us moving forward, keep doin' it.

crewisms

Dear Payton and Luling. quiet is a good thing, eh? Especially in our first days, weeks, months of sobriety?

Payton

FP, you are amazing. Thank you for sharing that. We are totally here for whatever you need in the coming days. Don't minimize your experience...I imagine you will grieve for this position and I don't blame you. Your sobriety this evening really, really inspires me. Stay strong and come back here!

2Magnolias, that's awesome you told your therapist about SR and she is so supportive! It truly is an amazing place. How are you feeling today?

Saskia, glad to hear you are doing well!

IW2, thanks for the direct questions. I am feeling clearer headed now. What's that saying - don't get to hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Well I was definitely tired and hungry. I am calling it a night with all of my cleaning, homework, workouts, etc etc. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

I feel stronger now. It's interesting that when you put your feelings and fears down on paper (er...in a thread i guess) for a caring group of friends to see, how much easier it is to them let them fly away instead of fixating. I am confident of today and that's all I need to focus on. Let the moments come as they do and I will respond and try to have my actions in line with my values.

Happy Friday all.

Payton

WHere is FlickedHisBic? I know Fort Collins is in the middle of that horrible wildfire...thinking of you and hoping you're ok...

FrenchPink

Congratulations on your 30 days, NeverTell! Yours is a hard won accomplishment that pays off well in many ways. Keep it up, sobermate. And don't be a stranger around this thread. We've missed you.

flickedhisbic

Sorry to disappear and worry everyone. I was having horrible cravings about a week ago so I decided to throw myself into school, working out, concentrating super hard on my diet, boxing up all my stuff for the move and basically pushing myself to the limit. The completely backfired I passed out at the gym today from heat, stress, lack of sleep and pushing way way way too hard with the exercise. So I got to spend a couple hours in the campus urgent care getting and IV. Now I'm home with orders to take it easy so I've watched 4 movies and I'm hoping to sleep really hard tonight.

FrenchPink

Hey, Flicked. Really happy to see you back and posting, but sorry to hear you're all laid up from overexertion. Yes, we were worried about you, buddy, and it appears rightly so. May I safely offer you a delayed congratulations on your milestone 30 days? We share the same sober start date, so today would make it 34 for both of us.

Be good to yourself. Enjoy your well-deserved rest.

Payton

(((Flicked))) Very glad to see you. Please get some rest.... <3

Payton

I feel sad, lonely, anxious, and depressed. I hate feeling like this.

If I was alone drinking on a night feeling like this I be would sloppy and self-destructive. I would drink almost a whole bottle of wine. I might add water to the bottle to make it look less suspicious, if I was feeling guilty. I might cut myself or cry or make myself throw up. Or I might just glaze over and fall asleep. I'd wake up feeling worse tomorrow.

Drinking does not solve problems. Sometimes you just have to sit through the discomfort and be patient.

Payton

Also want to say that it is feeling very difficult to admit to and deal with these feelings sober. When drinking alone when I feel like this you can just let out all of your grief in a big sloppy mess. And in my lifetime I would often drink wine and make myself throw it up and this had some sort of cathartic effect on me. But having to fight through and try and deal with and express these things while sober feels somewhat impossible and certainly lonely and uncomfortable. In this way I feel like alcohol was a friend or someone I'm missing. I feel like I'm trying to talk and don't have the words.

Sorry for being a thread hog tonight. I don't think anyone from our class is here and I'm just thinking out loud and trying to process. I know I don't have any specific problems right now compared to all the people who are struggling with legitimate events and problems.

crewisms

Payton. Our love. Our sweet devine. I'm here! I'm listening to you. Post at will. Let it out. I can see your emotions are all over the board. Me too. So let's hang together, eh? You are an amazing woman. So few are able to share an inch of their emotions and troubles, yet you are able to lay it all out. That's a beautiful thing, girl. Being vulnerable is one of the toughest, yet most important things we addicts can and should do. It allows us to let others embrace us for who we are. It enables us to finally be ourselves. It's a good thing, Payton.

By the way, your avatar (and Thursday's), reminds me of my great, great aunt, the wonderful and wacky Lillian Russell.

FrenchPink

Hey, Super-Crew. Sounds like you've already started the Jamaican Jam with a little hand-rolled home grown tonight. Are you doing okay? Could be that you're feeling high on life instead with your incredible 21 going onto 22 days.

Seeing as there are no horn parts available for this Pink Prankster, I'll take up that piano riff. Plastic keys, please.

HitRockBottom70

Payton, I just got a chance to log in, got a break at work. Hold strong my friend. I know my emotions have been more intense than usual. It's like an emotional roller coaster. I find if I can just try to get to sleep, I wake up and I feel much better. Sweet dreams my freind

Luling

Flicked -- good to see you! It's always good to try to work out that frustration that comes from not having a drink or 10, but I hope you'll be careful. Maybe try a little pampering here and there. A nice pedicure can work wonders.

FP -- hey, if anyone can see find a way to make something good come out of something not-so-good, it's you. New beginnings can be overwhelming, but you're going to rock it.

Payton, sorry you have such a case of the blues tonight. You've been having a kind of up and down day, haven't you? Is there anything you can do to take your mind off of it for the time being? Maybe watch a comedy? Read a murder mystery? (Nothing like a good murder to cheer me up, I'm sick.) I bet everything will look less bleak when you wake up in the morning. Take care of yourself this weekend. I know you have plans with guests (edit: or was that someone else? can't remember ...), but you don't have to overextend yourself or put yourself in a situation where you'll be tempted. ((hugs))

FrenchPink

Hey, Payton. You could never be a thread hog! I love your posts and thoroughly enjoy reading your thoughts.

Alcohol is no friend to miss, for sure. When I'd been a daily drinker and finally stopped for a while, I had frequent pendulum swings of emotions. Our brains, nervous systems, hormones, muscles... all experience a massive readjustment while we detox from the constant barrage of poisons we'd ingested.

Please be patient with yourself. Try having a set of backup plans ready to go when you're feeling lonely, full of self-doubt, self-hatred, angry, sad. If you have plans in place, they can offer immediate and safe comfort when you're suddenly faced with a void or crisis. Grab a DVD, keep the fridge stocked with food you enjoy, call a trusted friend, go out for a walk with the baby or just yourself. If our thread is quiet, or any other thread you frequent, check out the SR chat.

Big hugs to you. I know you have a lot on your plate at home. Make sure to do something nice for yourself every day. You're doing great!

Luling

Well, I'm out of the closet now! (In the literal sense, in case any of you missed my earlier post.) It's the quietest spot in this house, and the noise was driving me into a borderline homicidal rage. (Crew knows what I mean about noise.) Sometimes it's just too much! That hammer! And he was alternating between using the power drill, the hammer, and loud swearing to do the job, which turned out to be something with the entertainment center and our electronic stuff.

My husband's project wasn't going well (hence the swearing), and I couldn't get out to go to AA like I wanted to, because I needed to keep the little one out of his hair when she woke up from her nap. I was so frustrated that I was going to miss going to AA that I wanted to go drink. How screwy is that? I'm so devoted to my sobriety that I'm going to get wasted if I can't go to a meeting.

I'm also a little upset with my husband, because I needed to go run this evening, I was desperate to unwind somehow. No, he was tired and stressed and didn't want to be left with the kids and he wants me to hang out with him. So he gets to sit there and drink, and I have NOTHING to do except dissolve into a twitchy mass of anxiety.

Sigh. It's fine, I'm sober and not going for the kitchen knife yet, so I guess today was a win.

Oh, some of you wanted to know about AA. Well, if you're thinking about going, whether you're just curious and want to check it out, or if you're drawn to it philosophically, you should go ahead and go. When I went last night, several people greeting me as soon as I walked in. Once the meeting started, I introduced myself as a newcomer (I didn't have to, she asked if there were newcomers who wanted to be acknowledged.) Then the rest of the meeting the people took turns telling their stories and welcoming me. I wasn't exactly put on the spot, but it was strange having people take turns talking to me about their alcoholism. Not strange in a bad way, but this is something that I don't really know how to talk about, so it was strange in a new way.

The people there are decidedly non-scary. It's true what people say about AA members coming from all walks of life. Classy business women, rough tattooed guys, a couple of grandmas, a couple of very young people. Most of them would never be pegged as alcoholics. I could not believe that the gorgeous, elegant, mid-forties lady in her expensive power suit had a drinking problem. I really identified with their stories; every single person said something that hit very close to home for me.

At the end, all of the women wrote down their phone numbers, and several people came up to me and hugged me. We stood around and chatted for another 20 minutes and then went home. I didn't talk during the meeting itself, but I didn't mind sharing when we were casually conversing. That's a big deal to me because I have NEVER spoken aloud of my drinking except to my husband, who thinks I'm overanalyzing. So yeah, I respect that this isn't for everybody, but I can see why some take to it so well. I'm looking forward to giving it a chance.

Okay, long post ... I get chatty when I'm wound up like I am right now. Hopefully I'll get some sleep eventually, but it's better to be tired in the morning than hungover!

crewisms

Good Lord. The last time I inhaled the wicked weed was a mere 35 years...ago. And, yes, there are a few horns in that song. I really do know how to spell bass. And, yes, I'm high. Tiz the end of a long week without much sleep, so I'm buzzing on an SR high. It's now time to go to sleep, assuming our friend Payton will also go to sleep. Otherwise, I'm on watch tonight for the May Class of 2012.