HitRockBottom70

OneLess,
Yes!!! The anger thing is real. When I drank, I used it as a reason to drink. I made the decision not to drink anymore ever... Even more anger... Yesterday was particularly bad. I went to sleep angry, without drinking. Today it is gone. I am getting my kayak on the car and going out fishing today. Had I drank, I would be so depressed I could not move today.

When I am hit with the anger, I try to stay away from my partner and not talk too much because it is so easy to take it out on those that are closest to us. I know if I get my butt to the gym and start running things will be better, but it is so hard to motivate after just completing two 12 hour shifts where you don't have time to eat or sit until you've been there for 9 hours.

One thing at a time I guess. The most important thing is not drinking. The rest will come little by little.

Luling

LOL, I was thinking about you when I commented about my two-year-old, Payton; I knew you would relate. I just picked up Drinking: A Love Story yesterday. It's all part of my plan to brainwash myself into not wanting alcohol, which is why I subjected myself to that bleak documentary last night. I need those images in my mind for those times my AV gets really pushy. Nice job handling the turd husband, btw.

OLL and HRB -- I'm with you on the anger thing as well. It's not so much that I get angry easily (okay, it's that too), I just can't let things go and calm down. Thank God for this forum though, because it means a lot to know other people who are in the same boat.

Saskia

So many things I've read here that I can relate to. One perspective I thankfully haven't seen much about: what happens when you have very bad cirrhosis of the liver. Prior to this past year I didn't drink for about 14-15 years. The docs said my cirrhosis was of the non-alcoholic type though I have my doubts about that! In any case, that's why I had gastric bypass because they expected I'd be in complete liver failure within about 5 years and would be too old for a transplant. What I didn't know then is that after gastric bypass (the traditional type), alcohol can become a big problem. I started drinking again. Not the super heavy stuff but a glass or two of white wine in the evening. It progressed for awhile to 3 glasses and occasionally 4. For the past month I've been really limiting it to 1 with occasionally 2 with the plan to quit completely.

Sadly, there are few if any symptoms of advanced cirrhosis until it's too late. For the past few days I've been having some mild symptoms which means it might already be past the point of no return. I've now stopped and pray that it's not too late. I'm not ready to die yet. This time the decision to stop was easy.

Please don't let any of you, dear friends, let your drinking bring you to this potentially lethal point. It's not worth it. No matter how crummy, stressed, angry and whatever you feel, it's not worth this. If I do make it, I will bless every day I have and not waste it being in an alcohol fog or even buzz.

2magnolias

it's a reality check! through all the pain that you're weathering sober, which is absolutely fantastic, it's a subtle reminder that things could be much worse.

you're going to make it. hang in there, and hang on us.

2magnolias

Absolutely lovely. Thank you!

tanja

Saskia,

I hope you see your doctor about your symptoms. Thank you so much for your heartfelt post and selfless nature. I believe you will be around to as we take this sober journey together. Sending love and prayers your way

Payton

(((Saskia)))

Luling

Hugs, Saskia. I'm praying for you.

Leemzer

Deserto: Hope you are hanging in there, brother. Don't let life upset your sobriety. It would be easy for any of us to do...

Just a basic check-in today, day 39. Good day and SOOO grateful I didn't cave 3 days ago...would NOT want to be on day 3. Have a great evening, everyone. Sorry I haven't posted much lately. Nothing bad, just not much to report!
Take care,
Lee

Deserto

Thinking of you, Saskia. Do you have an appointment with your doctor?

Leemzer -- thanks... I'm hanging in there, doing ok.

Payton, I've lost 12 lbs in the last month... though probably most of that in the last few days unfortunately.

Deserto

East vs. West Poetry slapdown is in the haus!

To fling witty barbs
against the elephant's hide
is an action to which I incline.

I cannot deny
the deep pleasure inside
when I provoke the elephant's whine.

I don't want to injure
but the barbs won't subside
until (s)he looks like a porcupine.

It's Day 32.
and it can't be denied:
FP, on desert dust you dine.

MalkavianEmily

Saskia, hope you get things sorted. Good luck.

Deserto

I sent part of this in a PM to a friend, but thought I'd share and expand on it here... because it's a fairly good summary of where things stand.

Had a pretty tear-filled counseling session today with the Misses. Who knew desert rats held so much water?

This separation is very hard, and I don't think it will turn out well. The wife and I have grown pretty far apart over the last two years, and I know that distance has been made worse by my drinking. I accept that, and can't change that, but it seems she's given up hope. It's hard because I know we both love each other, but I think now that the alcohol is out of the way it's becoming clear to us that we both want some pretty different things out of life and out of marriage. For a time I think we thought if drinking was out of the way, everything else would be fine. But maybe that's not the case.

I still feel like there's plenty there that we do have in common and that we share, and that it would be foolish to throw that away. But I'm also so faithful and dogged that I'd pretty much follow her to the ends of the earth, even if she was shooing me back Which is pretty much what she's doing

My counselor said to me today, "You can still love her and not be together." This does not compute in poor little Deserto's head, but maybe he's right. And I do feel that (while I own my mistakes) I've given so much to the marriage that I neglected to take care of myself. She'd probably say the same thing, both about me and about her. The difference is, she's brilliant, and has an idea of what she wants, which is not to be with me (at least for now, I would say, but "for now" may be something I'm just searching for between the lines).

Sigh. I don't understand anything at the moment. Or more accurately, don't want to.

Soberjanedoe

Hugs ((deserto))

I have no experience in what you're going through so all I can offer you is my support.

Family are irritating me today but I recognise I need to adjust my attitude so I'm going on a 5km round trip walk to my local shops for a break.

I have a question for everyone else here? Have you guys found your caffeine/coffee intake has increased since giving up drinking? Im up to 4 coffees and 2 black teas a day and I'm getting coffee withdrawals in the morning. I've decided to focus on cutting down on my caffeine intake this month and I'm allowing myself 1 coffee a day.

FrenchPink

Very nice, Thursday. Very well said. I agree with you completely.

pink62

Thank you for sharing your update Deserto.
My heart aches for you and wish for you the strength to keep putting one sober foot in front of the other, slowly moving forward to what ever your future holds.
Many hugs and love to you Deserto.

FrenchPink

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Ugh. Sending you my strongest, most magical wishes for a healing miracle to occur in you. Your posts are always filled with wonderful insight and admirable wisdom. We are so incredibly fortunate to have you in our Class of May. Big hugs to you, dearest Saskia. And yes, I agree with our classmates: please get thee to a doctor ASAP.

pink62

Saskia, I hope you are able to see your doctor soon.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

Saskia

Thank you all for your wonderful and heartfelt wishes. I will admit I'm scared but the only thing I can do now is to stay completely sober, eat well and exercise and hope. I have my semiannual liver blood tests in about 2 weeks which also include a test for liver cancer. After the doctor sees those results, I will hear from her. Unfortunately at this point there's nothing she can do. That's one of the nasty parts of this condition.

I feel very blessed to have this wonderful class of May for support. If I'm lucky and caught this in time, then it should improve if I stay sober and eat the way I'm supposed to.

If I can help just one person to avoid this awful disease, I will be very happy.

Deserto, what you're going through must be agony. I split up with my ex during a time when I was drinking and he was drinking and smoking pot all day. Even though there wasn't much left, the breakup was still devastating. You sound like you are lost and that's understandable. From all of your posts it's clear that you are a very thoughtful, sensitive person and in time the pain will decrease. It may be especially difficult to stay sober at this time but imho it's really important for you to do so in order to process what's happened instead of burying it. I'm sending you my thoughts to keep strong, just as I am sending my thanks and love to everyone in this class.

FrenchPink

Oh, how humbled I am by your wisdom, Guru of the Gobi. How will I ever surmount the proverbial Mt. Everest to attain the supreme level of your profound genius in concocting the exquisite gem, "squirty," to rhyme with such an arcane, obscure, maddeningly uncommon word as "thirty"?

Hmmmm....