Codependency and Beyond - part 12
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Annie, I know it started out really ugly, but I am really glad you reached out. I was sooo lonely in the beginning of all of this. Now I have found friends in recovery and I can't seem to shake a free moment some days. It's hard to see now, but by letting people help you you give them a precious gift.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
oh, (((Annie))) I am sorry you had such a tough day, but I am so glad your co-worker came through for you.
I am excited for you that you will be going to a CoDA meeting on monday. You will find some wonderful people there to connect with in ways that are important to you right now..
My daughter's experience is much like Lisa's...so many good friends in recovery...always on the go.
Anna, I am so happy for you that you had a great week with your family while staying in your hula hoop
...what a blessing
I am excited for you that you will be going to a CoDA meeting on monday. You will find some wonderful people there to connect with in ways that are important to you right now..
My daughter's experience is much like Lisa's...so many good friends in recovery...always on the go.
Anna, I am so happy for you that you had a great week with your family while staying in your hula hoop
...what a blessing
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Annie)) - sending you lots of hugs, prayers, and good thoughts today.
((Grateful)) - thanks for today's reading. I still have a ways to go on the self-trust..I always seem to need a little validation.
I'm still doing the detaching thing, here at the house. I finally did manage to color my hair and am trying to highlight it for the first time. Had a fun time trying to keep Elvis and Patches OUT of the highlighting stuff while they sat on the counter, "helping" me, Mots right outside the bathroom door....guess they think I'm going to sneak out the window, or something?
I'm hoping a boost to my OUTSIDES will bring about a boost to my INSIDES.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Grateful)) - thanks for today's reading. I still have a ways to go on the self-trust..I always seem to need a little validation.
I'm still doing the detaching thing, here at the house. I finally did manage to color my hair and am trying to highlight it for the first time. Had a fun time trying to keep Elvis and Patches OUT of the highlighting stuff while they sat on the counter, "helping" me, Mots right outside the bathroom door....guess they think I'm going to sneak out the window, or something?
I'm hoping a boost to my OUTSIDES will bring about a boost to my INSIDES.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((Amy)))..
..I am glad you are doing what you need to have some serenity in your spot..good for you....what a great lift a tube of colour can be, eh...
I have been waffling about as to whether to put a color rinse in my hair...my hair is turning white and I love it, but it is coming in too slow...
So I decided last week that I am going to put my color(med brown ash) rinse in...should be fun!
..I am glad you are doing what you need to have some serenity in your spot..good for you
....what a great lift a tube of colour can be, eh...I have been waffling about as to whether to put a color rinse in my hair...my hair is turning white and I love it, but it is coming in too slow...
So I decided last week that I am going to put my color(med brown ash) rinse in...should be fun!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Good for you, ((Grateful)). Well, I think the highlights are definitely "subtle"...hard to tell if they are even THERE with blonde hair..what WAS I thinking? At least I kept Elvis from getting blonde highlights
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,527
SG,
I hope you have a wonderful visit with your daughter and it's great that you're offering your support.
Annie, oh gosh the 'empty nest' thing is so hard to deal with. We really want our children to spread their wings and fly, but it's bittersweet. I'm so glad you reached out and connected with your co-worker and had a chance to talk. Annie, know that you have a purpose here on earth, at this moment in time. Know deep in your soul that you belong here. And, please, please PM me anytime you want to. I'm never very far away from SR.
Amy, good for you for working on feeling better. It really does help sometimes, to try something a bit different...and with Mots & Elvis helping, what could go wrong!
I hope you have a wonderful visit with your daughter and it's great that you're offering your support.
Annie, oh gosh the 'empty nest' thing is so hard to deal with. We really want our children to spread their wings and fly, but it's bittersweet. I'm so glad you reached out and connected with your co-worker and had a chance to talk. Annie, know that you have a purpose here on earth, at this moment in time. Know deep in your soul that you belong here. And, please, please PM me anytime you want to. I'm never very far away from SR.
Amy, good for you for working on feeling better. It really does help sometimes, to try something a bit different...and with Mots & Elvis helping, what could go wrong!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
what a CRAZY life haha oh boy! "The baby" was here this weekend, we had a great visit. I threw a party Saturday night for a high school bud who is leaving for Afghanistan . 26 people ended up coming which was rad, a mix of people from the recovery community (he has 14 years I think) and old high school friends. It was so cool parading "the baby" around.
Today my dad came up to paradise and we had lunch. The idea of shopping for a house for me was bantered about, and the baby mentioned coming up should I have an extra room.
The room mate started her journey into recovery via al-anon full force this week, I am so hopeful for her.
The new guy leaves for Mexico this week (supposedly), so things have been 100 miles an hour for too long.
It has come time to completely severe ties with my longest standing friendship, which has turned hostile. I haven't yet figured out if I need to talk to him or just avoid communication.
Other than that, I am blessed. Each of you ladies has brought such joy to my life, I look forward to being able to spend more time here soon and give back.
Today my dad came up to paradise and we had lunch. The idea of shopping for a house for me was bantered about, and the baby mentioned coming up should I have an extra room.
The room mate started her journey into recovery via al-anon full force this week, I am so hopeful for her.
The new guy leaves for Mexico this week (supposedly), so things have been 100 miles an hour for too long.
It has come time to completely severe ties with my longest standing friendship, which has turned hostile. I haven't yet figured out if I need to talk to him or just avoid communication.
Other than that, I am blessed. Each of you ladies has brought such joy to my life, I look forward to being able to spend more time here soon and give back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Lisa)))
Oh what a wonderful weekend it sounds like you had.
I hope you can find a home...and glad daughter is visiting more. I know how refreshing that must be.
(((Anna and Grateful)))Thanks for the kind words and offers of support. It is a real lifeline to know someone cares.
(((Amy)))Wish I could see you hair. I'll bet you look beautiful!
(SG)))Thank you so much for the pm's. It made exhale just seeing I had that blinking box when I signed on this weekend.
As you know, this weekend was very hard for me. Being alone with nobody calling...nobody but the dog (whom was a big help) to talk to...made me realize how isolated I have made myself during all my increasing codiness these last 3 years.
Though I know all the right things to do (detach, take care of me, trust my HP, stay in my hula hoop..etc)...it's more difficult than I would have imagined to get my identity from something other than my kids' successes. It is how I have defined myself for the past 22 years ...and since my work still centers around the youngest kid and I have no friends in the area, I really don't know HOW to define myself...so I feel like this empty, shapeless blob....
and a blob is nothing...and since I am nothing...what's the point of going on....
(Well at least that's how my thinking went this weekend. I am in a better place now.)
CoDa meetings and SR are a great help...but I can't have then with me all the time.
Any suggestions on how to stay centered during those times when there is nothing to do and no one to be with?
Love you all
Annie
Oh what a wonderful weekend it sounds like you had.
I hope you can find a home...and glad daughter is visiting more. I know how refreshing that must be.
(((Anna and Grateful)))Thanks for the kind words and offers of support. It is a real lifeline to know someone cares.
(((Amy)))Wish I could see you hair. I'll bet you look beautiful!
(SG)))Thank you so much for the pm's. It made exhale just seeing I had that blinking box when I signed on this weekend.
As you know, this weekend was very hard for me. Being alone with nobody calling...nobody but the dog (whom was a big help) to talk to...made me realize how isolated I have made myself during all my increasing codiness these last 3 years.
Though I know all the right things to do (detach, take care of me, trust my HP, stay in my hula hoop..etc)...it's more difficult than I would have imagined to get my identity from something other than my kids' successes. It is how I have defined myself for the past 22 years ...and since my work still centers around the youngest kid and I have no friends in the area, I really don't know HOW to define myself...so I feel like this empty, shapeless blob....
and a blob is nothing...and since I am nothing...what's the point of going on....
(Well at least that's how my thinking went this weekend. I am in a better place now.)
CoDa meetings and SR are a great help...but I can't have then with me all the time.
Any suggestions on how to stay centered during those times when there is nothing to do and no one to be with?
Love you all
Annie
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,527
Gypsy, it sounds like you have a lot going on and I hope you find a new home too.
Annie, I was SO much like you are. I was a military wife for 22 years, which basically means you are always second fiddle. We had to move for hubby's job and leave the two kids behind because they were 19 and 21 and both in university. I was devasted and felt like we were abandoning them. We had also moved to a new city so I knew no one. My HP stepped in and brought me to a volunteer job which truly changed my life. I urge you to take a look around your community and see what you can offer. It's a fantastic way to meet people and to get outside of your head.
Annie, I was SO much like you are. I was a military wife for 22 years, which basically means you are always second fiddle. We had to move for hubby's job and leave the two kids behind because they were 19 and 21 and both in university. I was devasted and felt like we were abandoning them. We had also moved to a new city so I knew no one. My HP stepped in and brought me to a volunteer job which truly changed my life. I urge you to take a look around your community and see what you can offer. It's a fantastic way to meet people and to get outside of your head.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Lisa)) Sounds like you had a great weekend..how exciting, you may be getting a new home..good for you...
(((Annie)) My whole life has been revolved around my children and H to the point I had no life of my own..I still struggle with this..but it's getting better..at first it feels weird like what do I do if I'm not worrying about others or trying to fix things. I have to change my thinking, that's all I thought about..the biggest thing for me to realize is that I am not responsible for others, just myself..it's been very hard learning to focus on changing myself..What is helping me is my dependence on my Higher Power, turning my life and will over to my higher power everyday and trusting him..and this thread has been a Godsend, it has helped me understand how much of a codie I am, and also I'm learning that it's ok to take care of myself and how to do it with the codie tools..I feel more hopeful now, even when I am going through problems.
(((Annie)) My whole life has been revolved around my children and H to the point I had no life of my own..I still struggle with this..but it's getting better..at first it feels weird like what do I do if I'm not worrying about others or trying to fix things. I have to change my thinking, that's all I thought about..the biggest thing for me to realize is that I am not responsible for others, just myself..it's been very hard learning to focus on changing myself..What is helping me is my dependence on my Higher Power, turning my life and will over to my higher power everyday and trusting him..and this thread has been a Godsend, it has helped me understand how much of a codie I am, and also I'm learning that it's ok to take care of myself and how to do it with the codie tools..I feel more hopeful now, even when I am going through problems.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Removing The Victim
March 15
"Don't others see how much I'm hurting?" "Can't they see I need help?" "Don't they care"?
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, it's because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for an awareness in another that we have not had yet.
It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
Removing The Victim
March 15
"Don't others see how much I'm hurting?" "Can't they see I need help?" "Don't they care"?
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, it's because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for an awareness in another that we have not had yet.
It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
oh I remember when it was all about what others should do for me, feel for me, when I was not able ( I thought) to do for myself...yeah, I played that game with myself..for a long time..wow..
I am so glad I eventually uncovered myself, the real me, who was there all along ...
Anna, my heart stopped when I read this...I almost don't know what to say
because as a codie and then, a stay at home mom, I can't imagine being in your spot ...it touched me so deeply...
We moved constantly when I was a child (airforce) and it was like you say, mom was second fiddle, but she felt she had to be the perfect wife and everything had to revolve round him..
and a blob is nothing...and since I am nothing...what is the point of going on...
I remember those feelings and thoughts! in the midst of change, in the transition of that, is where we can find ourselves at times...you are in the process of rebuilding your life and finding a support system within, and those feelings can be difficult, but they are only feelings, thank God...
You are enough, just as you are AND right where you are suppose to be in your journey...
(((Annie)))...I have always felt that you are so brave...throwing yourself headlong into recovery....I love it..
I have said it time and time again, That I spent a lot of time over the years at the Community Health Center talking to a counsellor and it helped my process more than I could say...and I still seek out someone from time to time if I have something I need to untie that requires another pair of eyes.
So I would definitely suggest that as another source of support...
Have you managed to get some phone numbers yet from people from your coda group? They would be an important support to you, if you find yourself needing it at a difficult time..
I love Anna's idea of volunteering...great way to help out and you will meet a lot of wonderful people...
Annie Please know that you can pm me as well when, you feel the need.
((Gyps)), that is exciting...the possibility of having your own home!...no more roommate silliness..I pray that comes to pass...
I am sorry about your old friend, bittersweet, I am sure I know you will take care of Lisa...
Good news about your roommate, good for her! that is wonderful..
Your weekend sounds like a bunch of fun! I am glad you had precious wonderful time with your girl...
I am so glad I eventually uncovered myself, the real me, who was there all along ...
Originally Posted by Anna 
We had to move for hubby's job and leave the two kids behind because they were 19 and 21 and both in university. I was devasted and felt like we were abandoning them.
, my heart stopped when I read this...I almost don't know what to saybecause as a codie and then, a stay at home mom, I can't imagine being in your spot ...it touched me so deeply...
We moved constantly when I was a child (airforce) and it was like you say, mom was second fiddle, but she felt she had to be the perfect wife and everything had to revolve round him..
and a blob is nothing...and since I am nothing...what is the point of going on...
I remember those feelings and thoughts! in the midst of change, in the transition of that, is where we can find ourselves at times...you are in the process of rebuilding your life and finding a support system within, and those feelings can be difficult, but they are only feelings, thank God...
You are enough, just as you are AND right where you are suppose to be in your journey...
(((Annie)))...I have always felt that you are so brave...throwing yourself headlong into recovery....I love it..
I have said it time and time again, That I spent a lot of time over the years at the Community Health Center talking to a counsellor and it helped my process more than I could say...and I still seek out someone from time to time if I have something I need to untie that requires another pair of eyes.
So I would definitely suggest that as another source of support...
Have you managed to get some phone numbers yet from people from your coda group? They would be an important support to you, if you find yourself needing it at a difficult time..
I love Anna's idea of volunteering...great way to help out and you will meet a lot of wonderful people...
Annie
Please know that you can pm me as well when, you feel the need.((Gyps)), that is exciting...the possibility of having your own home!...no more roommate silliness..I pray that comes to pass...
I am sorry about your old friend, bittersweet, I am sure
I know you will take care of Lisa...Good news about your roommate, good for her! that is wonderful..
Your weekend sounds like a bunch of fun! I am glad you had precious wonderful time with your girl...
I am busy getting ready...leaving first thing tomorrow morning. Hope everyone has a happy and peaceful week.Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Gypsy)) - sorry about your friend, but do what is best for you, sweetie.
((Annie)) - I tend to isolate, a lot, but I've always done that so to me, it is almost comforting at times. I need my "me time".
((SG)) praying for you to have a great trip!
((Grateful)) - loved the reading. I remember wanting everyone to see what I was going through, too, and "fix it".
I did a few stores today, then went to my favorite state park..to see the waterfalls. I could tell we've had a lot of rain..there's not normally this much water and it's not normally muddy. Here are a couple of pics. I'd forgotten the camera, so these were taken with the blackberry.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Annie)) - I tend to isolate, a lot, but I've always done that so to me, it is almost comforting at times. I need my "me time".
((SG)) praying for you to have a great trip!
((Grateful)) - loved the reading. I remember wanting everyone to see what I was going through, too, and "fix it".
I did a few stores today, then went to my favorite state park..to see the waterfalls. I could tell we've had a lot of rain..there's not normally this much water and it's not normally muddy. Here are a couple of pics. I'd forgotten the camera, so these were taken with the blackberry.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I was just saying to Amy that I was so glad she had such a wonderful place to go for needed peace and serenity....
I grew up in nature and it was my refuge, and right now I am missing being able to "be" in nature when I feel the need and that eats at my soul...I must find a way to change that...thank you for the pics, Amy....such a beautiful and pure place...
I grew up in nature and it was my refuge, and right now I am missing being able to "be" in nature when I feel the need and that eats at my soul...I must find a way to change that...thank you for the pics, Amy
....such a beautiful and pure place...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,527
SG, have a wonderful trip!
Grateful, the reading for today really hit home with me. I tried so hard for so long to get someone to notice how much pain I was in. I made a couple of feeble attemps with teachers at university. And, then I kept hoping that my husband would see my pain and help me. He didn't, so I acted out more and more. I would be dramatic, horribly angry, and the drinking was also an attempt to get noticed. None of it worked, but at the same time, I had no clue how to help myself or to believe that I could help myself. I had to hit bottom and then begin to climb up.
Grateful, the reading for today really hit home with me. I tried so hard for so long to get someone to notice how much pain I was in. I made a couple of feeble attemps with teachers at university. And, then I kept hoping that my husband would see my pain and help me. He didn't, so I acted out more and more. I would be dramatic, horribly angry, and the drinking was also an attempt to get noticed. None of it worked, but at the same time, I had no clue how to help myself or to believe that I could help myself. I had to hit bottom and then begin to climb up.
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