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Codependency and Beyond - part 12

Old 02-25-2010, 04:35 PM
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((Kirsty)) I have always had control issues, for a long time I didn't realize I did...now I understand that I cannot change others, I can only change myself...but it's a daily thing for me...working on acceptance..accepting things I cannot change..

((Least)) Good for you taking care of yourself...
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Old 02-25-2010, 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
I was so upset by dk's horrible attitude and treatment of me just now I had a fleeting thought of getting a bottle of wine and just getting numb... but I didn't. I know better and didn't allow myself to fall back into that black hole of misery. Good for me! I guess I'm getting smarter!
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Old 02-26-2010, 05:38 AM
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I have a temporary desk to type on YAY! I also woke up sick at 430 and dont leave for work for 2 hours, so I have time to read and post today. Annie, I learn soooo much from your posts, it hurts, but in a healing way. My parents tried EVERYTHING to get me back on the "right" path in the beginning. They sent me to shrinks, punished me, bribed me, etc. I came from a well off home and was smart enough in their opinion to accomplish great things. I am so eternally grateful for my path, and I am sorry they hurt so back then.


You just have to believe that your son was meant for his own form of greatness Annie. Where I come from, kids go in the military because they are screw ups, not the other way around . There is still a rich and fulfilling life available to him. Above all, you have to remember its not about you. Just as our lives as adults need to be about us, not our parents or our kids, you son's decisions, path and journey are about him. Where ever he is meant to go, he can't get there going your way, he has to find his own.

Least, I'm proud of you!

Amy, hugs for you and elvis. I am grateful you didnt have to deal with this until after your settlement came in

So the room mate told me I go beyond brutally honest into being cold-hearted, and called me judgmental yesterday, sigh. My HP picks interesting people to place in my life to teach me interesting things haha. The new guy wants to take me on trips, move me to his ranch, make me pitch my job, all before we have officially started dating (boys are so silly) Actually, I guess we are dating, we just aren't getting naked, which is totally new behavior for me and I am really pleased at this manifestation of my growth and healing.

My job has cut me back to about 3-4 hours a day soooooo


Things are shifting around in the life of Lisa again. It reminds me that it is not a destination we are after, and that the only time our twists and turns cease in this life is when we leave it.

Thanks be to "one day at a time". If I was dwelling on next month or the next 6 I'd be in big trouble. For today I will take myself to work, and be happy its friday and I can rest.
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Old 02-26-2010, 06:52 AM
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I used to always compare myself to others.

It was my first reaction to meeting someone and always on my mind with friends, acquaintances, everyone.

And, I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to find women friends. I think women reacted to the vibes I was sending out and held back.

Recovery has been a godsend to me.


Lisa, I think it's great that you are taking things slowly with the new guy. And, it's also great that you are recognizing the shifting and changing of things in your life and accepting that. Sometimes change can be upsetting, but it doesn't have to be.


Annie, you are doing great and some days are easier than others. You are allowing your son to be on his own path, and that's the most important thing.


Kirsty, I was a HUGE control-freak and I was so much in denial. I convinced myself that I was 'organized'. Wrong. For me, I realize that being a control-freak was all about fear. I lived my life in fear and tried desparately to hold onto my kids, my husband, everything. When my kids reached their teenage years and pushed their independence, I lost it and fell apart. It's such a relief to know that I only have to deal with myself now.
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Old 02-26-2010, 07:43 AM
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((Lisa)) thanks so much for what you shared, it was very helpful...especially the part about our children needing to find their own way, and it's not about us.

((Anna)) that is so true that being a control freak is all about fear...
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:53 AM
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Here's another good "Ralph" that seems to fit in with what we've been discussing...amazing how he does that

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Friday, February 26, 2010

Bend reality
+++++++++++++++++++

Is there something outside of you that's troubling you? The
distress you're feeling is not from the thing itself.

The distress you experience is from what you think of it and
the way you feel about it. You can change that in an
instant.

You can change what you fear into what you eagerly
anticipate. You can change a burdensome problem into a
magnificent opportunity.

The vast majority of all that happens in this enormous
universe is out of your control. And yet with every bit of
it, you can control what it means to you.

Do you fully realize how much power that gives you? Do you
understand the unlimited nature of what you can do with
whatever you have?

Just by the way you choose to accept and to make use of
reality, you can bend that reality to empower your own
unique purpose. See what is, accept what is, and use it to
achieve your finest dreams.

Ralph Marston


Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-26-2010, 11:15 AM
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Thanks Amy, I really like that reading...I have a couple of readings I want to share too.

Here's one of them for now:

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

There are no perfect days. We have struggled hard against this truth. In our demanding ways, we haven't wanted life to be a process; we have wanted to reach a secure point of arrival. We have struggled against the dialogue and learning process of experience. We've looked for a "fix it" and for perfection. Even now in recovery we long to "get it right" We continue to learn and to grow, but the lessons we learn are not the things we expected. We grieve the lateness of our learning. and then we go on to learn more.

As we grow in this program, we learn how to learn. We become more accepting of life as a process with no shortcut to the truth. We learn to engage inthe process and accept that there usually is no right or wrong answer at the end of the search.

Today, may I accept the truth, which comes from the lessons of my experience--and be tolerant of its incompleteness.
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Old 02-26-2010, 11:46 AM
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


Twelve Step Programs


February 26


I was furious when I found myself at my first Al-Anon meeting. It seemed so unfair that he had the problems and I had to go to a meeting. But by that time, I had nowhere left in the world to go with my pain. Now, I'm grateful for Al-Anon and my codependency recovery. Al-Anon keeps me on track; recovery has given me a life.

- Anonymous


There are many Twelve Step programs for Codependents; Al-Anon, Adult Children Of Alcoholics, CoDa, Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, and more. We have many choices about which kind of group is right for us and which particular group in that category meets our needs. Twelve Step groups for codependents are free, anonymous, and available in most communities. If there is not one that is right for us, we can start one.

Twelve Step groups for codependents are not about how we can help the other person; they are about how we can help ourselves grow and change. They can help us accept and deal with the ways codependency has affected us. They can help us get back on track and stay there.

There is magic in Twelve Step programs. There is healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power by working the Steps and by allowing them to work on us. The Twelve Steps are a formula for healing.

How long do we have to go to meetings? We go until we "get the program."
We go until the program "gets us." Then we keep on going - and growing.

Selecting a group and then attending regularly are important ways we can begin and continue to take care of ourselves. Actively participating in our recovery program by working the Steps is another.

I will be open to the healing power available to me from The Twelve Steps and a recovery program.
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:11 PM
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((SG)) - I like that reading, too. The funny thing is, someone here at SR had e-mailed it to me earlier, so I'm thinking I must really need to pay attention to this reading, huh? I don't much believe in coincidence any more

Dad accidentally let Mots out, went to chase after him and let Elvis out....sigh. Elvis came right back, but Mots is out roaming. Feeling a little (okay a LOT) frustrated that he was so careless, but not much I can do about it. Mots will be back and I may have to keep him in my room.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:12 PM
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CoDA

Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps


Step One

We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.


Step Two

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.


Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will over and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.


Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.


Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.


Step Six

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of our character.


Step Seven

Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.


Step Eight

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.


Step Nine

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.


Step Ten

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.


Step Eleven

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.


Step Twelve

Having had a spiritual awakening, as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:33 PM
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Thanks so much for the Twelve Steps Grateful
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Old 02-26-2010, 05:55 PM
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(((Amy)) Hope that Mot's is back home safe and sound..and that you are doing ok..
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Old 02-26-2010, 06:32 PM
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SG, thank you for the reading today...it tied in well with what we have been talking about.

Amy, another really good "Ralph"..and for me one of the really important readings for us all, codie or not, I think...we do get to choose at every moment, our reality, what we wish to think and feel...and this is a principal I have come to embrace in my life.

Lisa, there is so much light in your post...your recovery is shining
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Old 02-27-2010, 07:53 AM
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You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

February 27

PEOPLE-PLEASING

Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety-producing.

People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.

People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you. Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.

Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others, but ultimately please themselves.

Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself...
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:35 AM
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My stepmom is a people-pleaser and it IS annoying. I know that I have been one in the past, and I'm sure that is part of what is annoying me.

Mots came home and was put back on "house arrest" then dad turned around and let Elvis out, accidentally. Luckily, he only wants out for a short period of time and comes right back to the door, but it is truly frustrating to walk by the sliding glass door and see Elvis on the other side.

We had a wonderful dinner out, but there is a good bit of unresolved tension between us. This isn't something I can "fix" and I've been pretty snappy, which doesn't help matters. I'm about to go for a walk, then come home and get things straightened out to where I can get back to work on school. I've got to be able to "shut out" the stuff on the other side of my bedroom doors, in some way. I did apply for a couple more jobs, including one at the Pet store I'd just bought the cat food from I will also get to do the work in my stores this next month, so that will get me out of the house.

I'm seeing that the more I'm around untreated codependency, the more I want to run like he!! away from it, which I guess is a good thing?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-27-2010, 11:30 AM
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(((Amy)) I'm sure things will be better for you once you get back working, in the meantime going for a walk is good, that's what I do with having a retired husband around all the time..lol

I am definitely a covert type of people-pleaser, making important decisions based on pleasing others, I have regrets about that over different situations in the past..all because I didn't want to appear as selfish...

So we have a tsunami warning on the west coast because of the earthquake in Chile, we are suppose to just have strong currents coming in our inlet. We live across the road from the waterfront houses up a little higher, so we are probable fine..it suppose to get here about 3.pacific time..I am a little nervous so have my cat kennel ready and if need be will get my pets out of here fast, that's all I care about, except for my pictures...I tend to overreact when it comes to my furry kids..
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Old 02-27-2010, 12:06 PM
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Wow, SG, I'm glad you're being cautious, but hopefully you won't need to evacuate.
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Old 02-27-2010, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
I'm seeing that the more I'm around untreated codependency, the more I want to run like he!! away from it, which I guess is a good thing?

definitely a measure of how far you have come, for sure, Amy
you continue to be in my prayers for that job that is meant for you

SG, thank you for today's reading...but, oh boy, yes, I too, am glad you are being cautious....sending prayers of protection to you..please keep us posted
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Old 02-27-2010, 01:01 PM
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((SG)) - I've been accused of over-reacting about my furbabies, too Please keep us posted...I've been paying attention to the tsunami updates. Tess said they were more worried about a possible earthquake (she lives in Seattle).

Wow, what a difference a walk made in my attitude! Feeling SO much better. Went to PetSmart (they're hiring, too, so I applied for a job there last night online) and got more cat food. Had fun shopping with all the dogs that were in there.

Mots has escaped again, but I think he's fine. He will most likely come back in, later this evening and I will hold him hostage in my room until daylight. I can't get dad/stepmom to remember to not let him out, so I will do the best I can do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-27-2010, 01:42 PM
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OMG...people pleasing. It's the reason I have no real friends. How ironic is that. I see myself in all the situations mentioned above. I talk a mile a minute...trying to show people how much I know and how much I can do for them. I fuss over others, AND I have made most of my most important life decisions based on how other would feel about them...

all of which has left me lonely and alone. I know I give off a vibe that turns people off. I used to think it was because I was loud and flashy...which could be part of it...but now I'm seeing that it may be beause I have no personality of my own....I just sort of morph into whatever the person closest to me wants me to be....and that could seem kind of fake.

It seems the more you want/need friends...the harder they are to find. So...how do you back off and still not seem cold?

Interesting ideas.

Love and hugs
Annie
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