Codependency and Beyond - part 12
 

part 11 can be found at:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-11-20.html

"We don't always have to be so strong to be so strong."

I love these words and I appreciate the truth of them now..I always used to feel I needed to be strong, no matter what but I didn't understand why...
my mother was a martyred codie. Her life was shaped by this...Her mother was made of cast iron...

I suffered for years feeling I had to be strong while I denied myself the experience of embracing my weakness, vulnerability, my humanness and my deepened connections with people, and allowing people to be there, to help or care for me...I finally learned how rich my life can be by allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting others to be there for me...I love the feeling of having friends I can trust and friends I feel comfortable enough to be, all of me, with...
What was a total surprise to me was understanding that I am my strongest when I am vulnerable, and in need of others help and caring..
I can trust myself to be vulnerable and know that I can feel strong in the the process of doing so.

I have learned to let myself fall apart when I need to, where I use to fear disappearing altogether, but now I feel safe enough that I can trust that when it is time, I am able to refocus..

Part 12 already! Cool!:)

My apologies...This is Monday's reading. We will be back on track tomorrow..


You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright -1990 The Hazelden Foundation


Solving Problems


February 22


I ask that You might help me through all my problems, to your Glory and Honor.

- Alcoholics Anonymous

Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.

In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.

A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.

In recovery, We learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain that the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may be setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.

Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.

Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear; we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.

Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.

God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.

Hi everyone,

I realize this is Codependency and Beyond, but I've just started doing Codependent No More with a group in RL, have numbers to get in touch, but would like to be able to talk about it more. I'm finding it's easier to sign in here and talk whenever the mood strikes and getting in touch with others in RL isn't as easy. Is there another group starting for newbies? Thanks. :-)

Hello Prentiss and welcome! this is a group for newbies, and anyone, at any point, along the path...
So please feel free to join us in our little corner of SR:)

Hi can I join too? Ive been lurking for a little while.

That reading was really appropriate for me just now, im procrastinating a bit atm with problems that I'm making bigger in my head. And because ive built them up to be so big I get really anxious when i think about them so I think I'll deal with them tomorrow. One of them involves going to a neighbour's house to ask them something and I'm terrified of doing it.

I have been praying for God to give me the courage to deal with these problems, becuase I know the more I tackle the more I'll move forward and grow which will help my esteem.

Phew, it felt really good to let it out. I'll just let go and enjoy the rest of my evening and not think about it til tomorrow :tyou

Hi Prentiss,

Welcome!

You will find lots of wonderful people on this thread who are sharing their experiences on this journey.

Hi Kirsty,

Welcome and I'm glad you decided to post. Would it be helpful to take a family member or friend with you when you go to your neighbors to talk to them?

Hi Kirsty, I am so glad you posted..
and yes, come join us....that overstuffed chair by the window is empty!

Kirsty I love what you say here, so true..

I have always had a relationship with my Higher Power in my life as far back as I can remember, but when confronted with my daughter's addiction and my codie addiction, I was so lost and in need.

I dug deep and asked for, literally every step of the way, the guidance I needed and in turn received. I was in awe of this and it changed me and deepened my relationally profoundly. We only have to ask, trust, and be open to receive.

I like Anna's suggestion and I trust that you will receive the guidance you seek:hug:

((Prentiss)) ((Kirsty)) so glad you have joined us...:welcome

Welcome ((Prentiss)) ((Kirsty))!!

Okay, this is OT, but important to me, so bear with me. Elvis has feline leukemia and feline AIDS. There is not much I can do for him, other than keep him comfortable, try to keep him eating/drinking and then when it's time to let him go, let him go:( We are going to give him another antibiotic shot, as the vet says he absolutely doesn't need to get any infection. The swelling of his eye area could be a lymp node/glad tumor from the leukemia.

I was working for a friend, V, who does expediting work like my dad does. She lives near us and wanted help getting old paperwork ready for the shredder, so called me and offered to pay me. Lucky for me, she is awesome and was just the person I needed to be with when the vet called because I fell apart. Her daughter is going to school to be a vet, has 10 cats with feline leukemia so she knows a bit about it.

I have to have Mots and Patches checked for both disease, but the leukemia is very contagious. Patches actually may have been vaccinated as stepmom's drug friend owned her before and had her spayed..she may have had shots. Mots never has. He has an appt. at 9:30 a.m.

I've gotten Elvis his own heating pad and blankie, to keep him warm; got him some grilled chicken as that's something he will always eat, and I've been crying on and off, as has stepmom. Dad's pretty torn up, too.

What makes this harder is that I walked away from the cats I loved so much when I got addicted to crack, and I've never really forgiven myself for that. Elvis was the first cat I got attached to, and he's like my amend to them. The thought of losing him brings up a lot of the self-hatred I have for what I did back them, on top of the pain I feel about him. I know...deal with the feelings. They won't kill me and I've got to get through them.

Sorry this is so long.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

(((Amy))), you and I have talked quite a bit today about your little sweetie, so I won't repeat myself. I am glad you have finally come to share about him with your codie family..I am glad you are letting the tears flow; staying in touch with your feelings...that will help you stay strong..

We are here for you... prayers for you and Elvis...you are such a good mommy to him:hug:

Oh Amy, so sorry about Elvis, this must be so hard for you..:hug:sending my love and prayers, we will be here for you.....

aww honey, I'll keep you and your fur babies in my prayers.

Thank you everyone! I'm going to be doing my homework this weekend and will be posting more.

((hugs)) Impurrfect. I am a cat lover too.

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


Recognizing Feelings


February 24


Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we are feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.

Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings.

Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, "If it was okay to feel whatever I am feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?" Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble notes on a note pad.

Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?

What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?

Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find out that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.

We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.


Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling. I will accept myself.

Amy,

I'm so sorry about Elvis.

He needs you right now to take care of him, and when the time comes, he needs you to gently let go of him. Be there for him, and don't get stuck in the past. You are where you are for a good reason.

I used to be very blocked in my feelings. I grew up in a household where one's feelings were not recognized.
Many years later, when I began to explore them, it was difficult, by so much like priming the pump on a well, at first nothing, eventually they began to come, at first a trickle, and with practice, and a growing confidence, a flow...and in time an exercise that allowed me access to deeper feelings.

Now, though I have moments where have to dig a little, I am very much at home with my feelings as they point the way in my life...

I know I have a ways to go yet with being open to my feelings...there was no such thing as expressing feelings when I grew up, my family did express angry feelings though, I don't think I ever expressed my anger, I kept all my feelings inside. I am still afraid or uncomfortable with mine or others strong feelings, my first instinct is, to run away...I have done some journaling about my feelings, but must get into the habit of doing it more. I know when I keep everything inside, I feel uneasy and anxious, I can't focus..Alot of times I am afraid to talk about how I feel, because of the reaction I might get from others, I don't want to rock the boat...but if I want change in my life I probable need to learn to rock the boat once in awhile.

(((Amy)) I so agree with what Anna said about not getting stuck in the past and that you are where you are for a good reason...

I grew up, being allowed to express my feelings, in fact was ENCOURAGED to express my feelings, but for some reason, I felt I had to be "the strong one". At some point, deep into my codie relationship with XABF#1 I realized I didn't even know what I was feeling. I kept reading "feel your feelings" but I didn't have a clue WHAT I was feeling or how to feel it! I don't know that I always get to the base feeling, nowadays, but I'm much better at knowing "something's not right".

I do have good news...Mots is negative on both tests:) He is being neutered as we speak, and will get his vaccinations all up to date. Patches goes in tomorrow for shots. I am going to get the swedish bitters that ((Grateful)) gives her cats to help Elvis with his digestive and urinary tract, he's been eating chicken and loves his little bed I set up with a heating pad and sheepskin blankie, under the lamp - his little tanning salon

http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/i...8/HPIM0522.jpg

I'm going to run some errands..take my car by the shop and let them look at it, go get the cats some GOOD food, since I found out what they eat is basically "junk food" and it's why Patches has a "Buddha belly" that wobbles when she walks.

Then I will come back and snuggle with my Elvis. Thanks so much for being here for me. Dad is in an ill mood, so I am getting out of the house. We had snow flurries but it didn't stick.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy