Codependency and Beyond - part 12
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Annie))) - I'm glady you had a good meeting, and sorry you didn't get to spend time with your son, but I'm glad you put your meeting first...I'm very impressed!!!
Getting ready to head out and do stores. The rain is supposed to move in today..yuk
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Getting ready to head out and do stores. The rain is supposed to move in today..yuk
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"The Five love languages"
I have that book! I got it five or so years ago. I'm going to hunt for it. Although, I don't seem to think I have anyone to practice it with at the moment. :-P
I also have the five love languages for children. I do know where that one is. :-) At least I have my priorities in order!
Scavanger hunts-- hee, hee
I have that book! I got it five or so years ago. I'm going to hunt for it. Although, I don't seem to think I have anyone to practice it with at the moment. :-P
I also have the five love languages for children. I do know where that one is. :-) At least I have my priorities in order!
Scavanger hunts-- hee, hee
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Annie)) So glad you enjoyed your coda-meeting, I agree with Amy that you did the right thing by going...you are taking very good care of yourself.
Last edited by SerenityGirl; 03-09-2010 at 07:23 AM. Reason: posted twice
Congratulations on your wonderful recovery.
7
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,630
Amy, Congratulations and thanks for being you!
Annie, I'm glad your meeting went well. I hope your husband didn't have an ulterior motive when he invited your son over. I guess time will tell.
Annie, I'm glad your meeting went well. I hope your husband didn't have an ulterior motive when he invited your son over. I guess time will tell.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are readings from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Taking Care Of Ourselves
March 9
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. We will learn grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
Taking Care Of Ourselves
March 9
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. We will learn grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((SG)), I know, eh...This was the big one for me and so deeply ingrained was my pattern of everybody first, otherwise how could I possibly get the love I needed.. and the thing that enabled my caretaking and made it so confusing for me, is that I am very altruistic by nature...
It took me a very long time to separate the two...
I think our mantra should be : first, do no harm...to thyself!!
((Annie))) I am sorry, but knowing how difficult and emotional it has been for you regarding your son, I can't get over that you chose to go to the meeting...amazing! ...good for you...I know I would have gone with son, not the right move for me, but I was a flaming codie, out of control, back than..
I chuckled as I read the ways you used to love your husband...I respect his way of being loved, But I kept thinking how cool this lady is, and what fun and interesting ideas
Gys,,thinking of you:ghug3
Amy
Happy, Happy Birthday!!
Congratulations on your three years!
and we know just how huge that is, with all the other big stuff you have been dealing with...
yay you!
:day1
It took me a very long time to separate the two...
I think our mantra should be : first, do no harm...to thyself!!
((Annie))) I am sorry, but knowing how difficult and emotional it has been for you regarding your son, I can't get over that you chose to go to the meeting...amazing! ...good for you...I know I would have gone with son, not the right move for me, but I was a flaming codie, out of control, back than..
I chuckled as I read the ways you used to love your husband...I respect his way of being loved, But I kept thinking how cool this lady is, and what fun and interesting ideas
Gys,,thinking of you:ghug3
Amy
Happy, Happy Birthday!!Congratulations on your three years!
and we know just how huge that is, with all the other big stuff you have been dealing with...
yay you!
:day1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Wow, ((Grateful)) - I didn't know I WAS pink until you pointed that out! I knew I'd told them I'd be a mod with Miss ((Done)) but didn't know it was done yet.
Thanks, everyone for my b'day wishes. I did stores all day, but had fun...cruising around in the "limo" - the rental suburban. I had to do stores 1-1/2 hours away, took the back roads and it was beautiful...had the stereo cranked up and sang all the way. Spent a lot of time thinking about all that I have to be grateful for.
I just got off the phone with my one remaining g'ma - she's 91, in CA and is sharp as a tack. I also talked to my uncle, who is a longtime heroin addict, now maintaining VERY well on methadone and helping my g'ma out financially. She would love for dad and I to come out to CA, and we would LOVE to, but neither of us are in a position to drive/fly out there right now.
I'll just say that stepmom is giving me many opportunities to use my codie recovery tools
LOVE, hugs and prayers!
Amy
Thanks, everyone for my b'day wishes. I did stores all day, but had fun...cruising around in the "limo" - the rental suburban. I had to do stores 1-1/2 hours away, took the back roads and it was beautiful...had the stereo cranked up and sang all the way. Spent a lot of time thinking about all that I have to be grateful for.
I just got off the phone with my one remaining g'ma - she's 91, in CA and is sharp as a tack. I also talked to my uncle, who is a longtime heroin addict, now maintaining VERY well on methadone and helping my g'ma out financially. She would love for dad and I to come out to CA, and we would LOVE to, but neither of us are in a position to drive/fly out there right now.
I'll just say that stepmom is giving me many opportunities to use my codie recovery tools
LOVE, hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
Nice surprise....husband is on the road traveling...and son showed up unannounced last night to spend the night because he scheduled a dentist appt. this morning and didn't want to drive all the way from his house (1/2 hour away). Actually got to talk with him for about 1/2 hour...before he went out to party and came back at 1am...but anyway....it makes up for the other night when I missed him.
I would ask for continued prayers for him. I do think he is making progress, but I think it doesn't take much for him to be drawn back into the pothead mode.
Thanks for being here as always.
Annie
I would ask for continued prayers for him. I do think he is making progress, but I think it doesn't take much for him to be drawn back into the pothead mode.
Thanks for being here as always.
Annie
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Living With Families
March 10
I was forty-six years old before I finally admitted to myself and someone else that my grandmother always managed to make me feel guilty, angry, and controlled.
- Anonymous
We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.
It can be difficult to achieve detachment, on an emotional level, with certain members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power.
Difficult but not impossible.
The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgement, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts. We do not have to blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We are recovering. Progress is the goal.
Today, Higher Power, help me to be patient with myself, as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance.
Living With Families
March 10
I was forty-six years old before I finally admitted to myself and someone else that my grandmother always managed to make me feel guilty, angry, and controlled.
- Anonymous
We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.
It can be difficult to achieve detachment, on an emotional level, with certain members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power.
Difficult but not impossible.
The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgement, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts. We do not have to blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We are recovering. Progress is the goal.
Today, Higher Power, help me to be patient with myself, as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance.
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