Lacey's new theead
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Lacey's new theead
i won't talk about my specifics in this one. Thanks for closing the last one.
Im having such a hard time with my eating disorder since coming back from that trip. It's all day, every day anymore. It makes me sad, because I had actually made a decent amount of progress. I'm on a liquid diet so I don't purge right now. The first time I typed it, it autocorrected to "liquor." No- I haven't drank over it, but it's safe to say this is an ED relapse.
I dont want to seek seek treatment because I don't want to get better. I want to lose the weight.
Im having such a hard time with my eating disorder since coming back from that trip. It's all day, every day anymore. It makes me sad, because I had actually made a decent amount of progress. I'm on a liquid diet so I don't purge right now. The first time I typed it, it autocorrected to "liquor." No- I haven't drank over it, but it's safe to say this is an ED relapse.
I dont want to seek seek treatment because I don't want to get better. I want to lose the weight.
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What every addict wants- to live with it. To have your poison in your life, and control it.
To eat eat enough to function and lose weight, but not get my life all screwed up like last time.
To use symptoms to feel better, but not to the point that it takes over my life.
i know...I know...THATS realistic...lol...
To eat eat enough to function and lose weight, but not get my life all screwed up like last time.
To use symptoms to feel better, but not to the point that it takes over my life.
i know...I know...THATS realistic...lol...
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Originally Posted by LaceyDallas 
What every addict wants- to live with it. To have your poison in your life, and control it.
The struggle to control it will destroy you though, no matter what your poison - thats a iron-clad guarantee.
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Right now I'm just so excited about going back to my County and my new job, which starts tomorrow. I think I'm going to go work at my house today, even though it's pretty cold. I'm tired of being bored.
i just feel pretty much over the guy situation right now. I'm too excited about going back to really worry about him (he's in another state anyway.)
i just feel pretty much over the guy situation right now. I'm too excited about going back to really worry about him (he's in another state anyway.)
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Hi, Lacey.
I did't read your old thread.
May I ask - what type of eating disorder do you have? Is it bulimia?
I suffered from binge-eating (didn't purge).
Though an eating disorder shares common features with other substance addictions, it's a different animal entirely.
One of the major issues I see with eating disorders is that they are still rarely taken seriously (unless it's a life-threatening condition like severe anorexia).
And it makes the entire process of battling it exponentially harder.
Sometimes it feels like hope is lost and it's easier to give up.
Don't give up though, Lacey.
And, if you don't mind me asking - why do you want to lose weight? Will it make you feel better? Look better? Is it a health concern?
I did't read your old thread.
May I ask - what type of eating disorder do you have? Is it bulimia?
I suffered from binge-eating (didn't purge).
Though an eating disorder shares common features with other substance addictions, it's a different animal entirely.
One of the major issues I see with eating disorders is that they are still rarely taken seriously (unless it's a life-threatening condition like severe anorexia).
And it makes the entire process of battling it exponentially harder.
Sometimes it feels like hope is lost and it's easier to give up.
Don't give up though, Lacey.
And, if you don't mind me asking - why do you want to lose weight? Will it make you feel better? Look better? Is it a health concern?
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Ionce I accepted that I couldn't have it, then everything changed. Not only did I not want it anymore, but I'd do anything so I never have to have it in my life again.
The struggle to control it will destroy you though, no matter what your poison - thats a iron-clad guarantee.
The struggle to control it will destroy you though, no matter what your poison - thats a iron-clad guarantee.
And, actually, disciplined control vs. "I am helpless over" is an important factor to deal with an eating disorder.
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Scott, in this case poison matters. You can't "accept" that you can't have food. And believe me, almost any kind of food can trigger a food addict.
And, actually, disciplined control vs. "I am helpless over" is an important factor to deal with an eating disorder.
And, actually, disciplined control vs. "I am helpless over" is an important factor to deal with an eating disorder.
I don't have an eating disorder myself but have immediate family members who do so I definitely understand the seriousness of the condition.
But I still think that it's important to accept the reality of addition or any kind of disorder before one can make steps to improve. I am diagnosed GAD and health anxiety and I had to accept that there is simply something different about the way my body reacts to stress in order to start getting help for example. Obviously I can't remove stress from my life completely, but I can learn different ways to deal with it and change my lifestyle.
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
And, if you don't mind me asking - why do you want to lose weight? Will it make you feel better? Look better? Is it a health concern?
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Originally Posted by LaceyDallas
Because I have an eating disorder. That's kind of like asking an addict why they want to get high.
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Sorry for being pissy, but I've just not been sleeping/eating well and it shows in my temper sometimes.
I know there's a million reasons why people get high. I was an alcoholic. The point is, after a while, your addiction (bingeing, drugs, alcohol, losing weight)- it just becomes what you do when LIFE shows up in any form. So, that's the reason why I want to lose weight: because I always believe it will make me happy. It's always the answer to everything. Happy? Lose weight and you will feel even better! Sad? Stop eating and feel totally numb.
My job went went well today, but there was an awkward moment with the background check and I honestly think if I didn't have the reputation and experience working in the area that I have, that I probably wouldn't have a job right now.
Im also, once again, incredibly tired and hungry. I'm at that uncomfortable moment where there's nothing to distract me from the reality that the guy isn't writing back and this is it. I'm just here, feeling every last bit of that. And, as usual, in my life, there's no one around to talk to.
I know there's a million reasons why people get high. I was an alcoholic. The point is, after a while, your addiction (bingeing, drugs, alcohol, losing weight)- it just becomes what you do when LIFE shows up in any form. So, that's the reason why I want to lose weight: because I always believe it will make me happy. It's always the answer to everything. Happy? Lose weight and you will feel even better! Sad? Stop eating and feel totally numb.
My job went went well today, but there was an awkward moment with the background check and I honestly think if I didn't have the reputation and experience working in the area that I have, that I probably wouldn't have a job right now.
Im also, once again, incredibly tired and hungry. I'm at that uncomfortable moment where there's nothing to distract me from the reality that the guy isn't writing back and this is it. I'm just here, feeling every last bit of that. And, as usual, in my life, there's no one around to talk to.
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So. A job I applied to our of state closed yesterday. It's a really good job. If they call me for an interview, do I go?
I found out something really disturbing about the area where I live that makes me question the wisdom of spending tens of thousands of dollars on renovating the house and staying there. I also found out that the stupid state screwed up processing my check and it's going to be four more months of living I the house without proper anything and driving a car which I thought I was going to have to have towed last night. Things are bad here. Really, really bad. I don't have money to fix the car and there's no public transit here. At all. Where my new job is. I honestly don't know if the car will last four more months. I don't know if I will last mentally in a house with no running water for four months.
I found out something really disturbing about the area where I live that makes me question the wisdom of spending tens of thousands of dollars on renovating the house and staying there. I also found out that the stupid state screwed up processing my check and it's going to be four more months of living I the house without proper anything and driving a car which I thought I was going to have to have towed last night. Things are bad here. Really, really bad. I don't have money to fix the car and there's no public transit here. At all. Where my new job is. I honestly don't know if the car will last four more months. I don't know if I will last mentally in a house with no running water for four months.
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I think it's always a good idea to accept an interview, even if it's only to practice our interview skills. I also believe in seeking opportunity rather than foolishly watching it pass by. That could be the opportunity my Higher Power had planned for me.
But as far as the rest of the circumstances go, those are things that could exist anywhere. One of the many things I learned in life is that no matter where I go, there I am. I had to work on making myself right before I could think about blaming the circumstances around me for the way my life was going. What I know nowadays is that I control things in a small circle around me, while those poor situations in a much broader area I have come to accept I cannot change, I can only change my perception of them.
But as far as the rest of the circumstances go, those are things that could exist anywhere. One of the many things I learned in life is that no matter where I go, there I am. I had to work on making myself right before I could think about blaming the circumstances around me for the way my life was going. What I know nowadays is that I control things in a small circle around me, while those poor situations in a much broader area I have come to accept I cannot change, I can only change my perception of them.
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I found out that something went wrong in processing my 401k check, so the timeline for payment not only starts over, but actually- hasn't started yet. Minimum of four more months of living like this.
I don't think anyone realizes how extreme it is. NO running water in the house I'm moving into next week. No running water until I get the check. I did six months like that. It's HARD. You feel like an animal. The furnance leaks carbon monoxide outside and it's only a matter of time before it leaks inside, too, so I sleep with the detectors next to my bed. There's a massive pool of water in the crawl space under the house and mold under there and who knows where else. Plus, now the car is breaking down at random times. I'm tired. Tired of living like this. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I don't know if I can do this for four more months without a clear end in sight. That may be more "acceptance" than I have in me.
I don't think anyone realizes how extreme it is. NO running water in the house I'm moving into next week. No running water until I get the check. I did six months like that. It's HARD. You feel like an animal. The furnance leaks carbon monoxide outside and it's only a matter of time before it leaks inside, too, so I sleep with the detectors next to my bed. There's a massive pool of water in the crawl space under the house and mold under there and who knows where else. Plus, now the car is breaking down at random times. I'm tired. Tired of living like this. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I don't know if I can do this for four more months without a clear end in sight. That may be more "acceptance" than I have in me.
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Lacey, what is keeping you from just letting the house go and starting over? You are earning a wage right now. Can you apply that to getting current housing in order and then worry about the rest later?
I would also reach out to the community and see what's available. Many churches have people who will come out and work on your home. Or maybe something like Habitat For Humanity for a new house all together. I personally would do what I need to do to stabilize myself for the time being and worry about all the details later.
Why on earth would it take 4 months for a 401k check to process? That sounds fishy to me.
I would also reach out to the community and see what's available. Many churches have people who will come out and work on your home. Or maybe something like Habitat For Humanity for a new house all together. I personally would do what I need to do to stabilize myself for the time being and worry about all the details later.
Why on earth would it take 4 months for a 401k check to process? That sounds fishy to me.
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