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Old 02-03-2019, 10:20 AM   #41 (permalink)
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The car is back. Those people robbed my mom. I'm paying her back when I get my big check.

im going to sign the paperwork for the check tomorrow, and then I will see if I can put in an offer on the house I'm interested in with my check paperwork.
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Old 02-05-2019, 08:47 AM   #42 (permalink)
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I signed the check paper work yesterday.

I bought my mom mom some food and went to drop it off today. When I went to leave her house, my car won't go into gear. It's not driveable AGAIN.

I dont know what to do. My gut reaction is to tell my job I can't come back and just leave once I get my check.
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Old 02-05-2019, 09:50 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Im at my mom's house. She isn't here. I called work. She isn't there. She never goes anywhere this long. I'm waiting until 3:30 then I'm calling the police.

oh, and my sister is indifferent to any of this.
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Old 02-05-2019, 12:11 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Today is officially the worst day of my life
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Old 02-05-2019, 03:29 PM   #45 (permalink)
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She showed up, suicidal. I got a Lyft to my house and just called 911.
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Old 02-05-2019, 11:12 PM   #46 (permalink)
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I have no idea what happened with my mom, because I'm in another county. I have no way of getting back there and she won't answer the phone.

i want to just not be here anymore. I'm fighting so hard and it's never enough.
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Old 02-06-2019, 04:08 AM   #47 (permalink)
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I have to find a way back there to get my cats and no one is helping me.

i also had a pretty huge heartbreak happen within the past 24 hours. The pain is so bad it physically hurts. I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can do is cry.

i really don't want to kee fighting.
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Old 02-06-2019, 05:28 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Lacey, when I'm alone and struggling hard about the only way I've ever been able to get back up is to let others lift me up. Have you considered meetings or support groups again? Fellowship? I know you're hurting and life just seems as awful as it can get, those are times when we can consider asking others for help, face-to-face.
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Old 02-06-2019, 05:59 AM   #49 (permalink)
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I can't go anywhere. I have no transportation. There are no "others."
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Old 02-06-2019, 06:50 AM   #50 (permalink)
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If you dialed 911 and your mother was suicidal, there is a possibility that she was taken to a hospital and is under observation for a period of time. If she was not taken to the hospital and is not answering her phone, then she convinced the emergency personnel that she is not going to harm her. All of this is working on the assumption that you were not present, so if that's not true then you know what's going on to some degree.

If your mom is home and not communicating with you, she may be embarrassed or angry about what happened. Is there anybody you know that can speak with her, check on her, to see that everything is okay for the moment and to determine what really is going on now? The only other option might be a welfare check from the police.

On your car, do you have enough money to get it repaired again? You don't want to lose your job, I know, and you need the vehicle to keep it from what I have read in past posts. Are you able to work on this front while trying to determine what is going on with mom?

I'm sorry that you had a heartbreak experience, you don't need that emotional weight on you now, especially with all the chaos that you are trying to address.

I can imagine that you are feeling crushed by all of what is happening. Some things are in your control, like looking into the car needs, seeing what can be found out about mom without your being present. Are you able to take one thing like informing your work what is happening and are working on it, trying to verify the status of mom, then the car in a step by step way to try to untangle this state of affairs? It has to be hard, but you have been through many trials, and you can get through it.

It's hard to know from afar if it's possible for you or what your resources are, but you are being thought of here.
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Old 02-06-2019, 02:42 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Everything hurts and I can't stop crying. God I just want to not feel stifling, suffocating emotional pain the entire time in awake.

i don't know if I can do this, this going back to the motel for six weeks. I really don't know if I'm supposed to be here st all anymore. Maybe I should just leave once I get my money. I don't know if I can tolerate a world where I work, come home and sit in a dark, dirty motel and eat garbage processed foods and fall asleep as bedbugs bite me.

I loved him so, so much. No one will ever love him like i did. And I hate him, because he's ripping my heart out right now.
I've never felt pain like this before.

There is so much more to say, but I'm going to try to go to the library and actually be productive today.
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Old 02-08-2019, 07:08 AM   #52 (permalink)
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I'm here. Going back to the more today. Not happy about this, but I'm going to do it as long as I can tolerate it.
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Old 02-08-2019, 03:00 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Went to motel. Called to check on the progress of my check. She claims to never have gotten the fax I sent Monday. CHeck isn't being processed.

Im done. Seriously. This is all I can take. I started applying for jobs out of state and phoned in a favor for someone to help me. I can't take this anymore.
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Old 02-08-2019, 04:03 PM   #54 (permalink)
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I hate asking for help so much. Just want to delete the messages.

I just want to call my dad, have him come and pick me up and take me home. Except there is no "home" anymore, and my dad died in 2014.
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Old 02-08-2019, 10:12 PM   #55 (permalink)
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This was from earlier when I was wandering around "downtown" (Name of Town We Are In). I usually feel such a comfort at just being here, but tonight I get lost and dropped off somewhere I don't belong. I am fighting the eating disorder with everything I have. I am asking God that if I really try to do this, He will help me out of this mess.

My friend wont respond to my request. If he does anything, it will be behind the scenes and I will just get interviews.

Im terrified of moving out there, but I just cannot stay here.
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Old 02-09-2019, 02:05 PM   #56 (permalink)
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I hope to God he helps me. After I knew he saw it, I felt such a peace this morning. Ok so tired of swimming upstream to stay here. It's just a fight, all day every day.

my mom doesn't s seem to understand that if I thought I could get the same kind of jobs here, I would stay. Then she makes smart assed comments, but if I call her it in it she gaslights me with some TV mom ****. I don't WANT to do this. What I wanted- and gave up EVERYTHING FOR so I don't know how it's not PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT WHAT I WANTED WAS TO BE HERE. But I can't walk through fire every single day. This is just too much to ask for anyone.

No no one else is living in a motel and walking to work with blisters in the freezing cold. No one else has to go home to a house with no running waster making crap wages and a busted car. I don't get it- I said, do you want to be 75 with a walker and oxygen tank, going to work to support your40 something daughter? But it's only you WANT to leave. What I want is aNORMAL LIFE and I swear, I'd go to Antarctica if that's what it took at this point.

if I stay here, I'm going to just accept failure and completely self destruct. It's only a matter of time before I drink when I have to feel like crap 24/7. Is that what she wants? Me to be a failure in an unsafe house, working a dead end job with no money for car repairs?
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Old 02-09-2019, 02:17 PM   #57 (permalink)
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Just realized my sister blocked me on Facebook.

WHY
WOULD
I
STAY
HERE
??????
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Old 02-10-2019, 08:35 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Lacey, I thought these techniques you posted in "What helps you when you're depressed" were great: Trying to do things to counteract it- taking a walk or some sort of exercise every day (especially outside), eating good foods, controlling spending, talking to support people every day. So are you putting these into practice during these difficult times? Yes, there are other people going through extreme difficulties, and the choice is there to stay stuck or move forward and focus on ourselves and our recovery.
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Old 02-10-2019, 01:19 PM   #59 (permalink)
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I'm staying at work right now. I'm NOT spending ANY money on BS because I'm trying to save in case I get asked to go for an interview. I might go take a walk, but my feet are still trashed with blisters from walking back and forth to the motel in the wrong shoes, so walking isn't too pleasant right now. I could do some aerobics here. I don't have very many support people, but I do try to reach out to the one I have. I feel like everyone just failed to help me at all during all of this, so I'm actually in the process of cutting a lot of people off. I might try to get to a meeting tonight if there is one in town.

I don't think I added distraction to my list in the other thread, but it's helping. Last night I picked a topic and researched it, reading the Grand Jury report for the case and all the articles related. For about 3 hours, I didn't think about my situation at all.

Tomorrow is Monday. I hope my friend calls the places I applied and puts in a good word for me. This is weighing in me, but I try to remind myself I'm leaving it up to God. If God wAnts me to go, it will happen, and if not, I'm staying here. But it's hard. I just woke up (I'm doing midnights) so I have to get my bearings right now.

ETA: meetings on Monday and Tuesday!
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Old 02-11-2019, 01:14 PM   #60 (permalink)
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I went to the meeting. It made me feel a hundred times worse. I probably won't be going back.

I really, really just feel like giving up right now.
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