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Old 08-15-2019, 06:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

Being with an addict that's in recovery


I have a long history with this guy. I've known him for years and our love rekindled a year ago. We had a beautiful relationship but the whole time he was not totally honest with me about how much he did drugs (specifically cocaine), drank & gambled. He would sugarcoat things and be honest about it a handful of times and when he was I got so hurt but I would always be understanding of his situation.

Eventually he was totally honest with me and said that when he wasn't with me he felt like he could finally do all the drugs & drinking that he really wanted to do. He tried to go for help when we were together but it was just to make me happy. We broke up because he essentially chose the partying lifestyle over me.

Fast forward to a year later and he's reached out to me doing so much better. He did a rehab program, actively goes to meetings and practices meditation. I've always known him to be a go-getter but never to be this focused on being sober. He does not have a bad bone in his body but was always out for a good time. Now he is so calm & zen. We've started talking again because we both admit that we can't move on from one another... We still love each other.

He's only been sober for 6 months & I am so scared to be vulnerable to him and get hurt again... It's almost as if he's addicted to his recovery now. It's most of all we've talked about when we've hung out again a few times. I know he's in recovery and things are looking great right now. But getting back together, I would essentially be opening myself up to future pain and possible relapse which scares me.

Is there anyone that can speak to being with an addict that is in recovery? I know it's a constant battle for the rest of their life but i'm worried I will regret it in the future if things were to go down a bad path again and that I essentially set myself up for a lifetime of pain. There's no denying that I love him. This would be tough to work on together & I just don't know if it's worth it to accept all of this for myself...

Should I walk away?
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Old 08-15-2019, 07:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Any addict can relapse in their future. It's a risk to be with an addict, and only you can decide if that is a risk you can take.

My recommendation would be to ignore all words and always watch actions, that is what matters. To be honest, six months of being clean is not a very long time. To him it is, but the big picture? No. No one wants to hear it, but time will always tell.

In the mean time, I would follow your own gut and what it's telling you is right for you. Take good care of yourself and keep the focus on YOU.
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Old 08-15-2019, 08:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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He has told me that he's incredibly happy with where he's at today and his life continues to get better as he works his program. He's always been very driven & loyal.

He says he believes having me in his life again will be another inspiration to keep him on his better path.

I told him that this relationship couldn't just be about him & his recovery and that I'd need to be considered just as much.

I always try and see the best of things which I feel can skew my judgement at times but considering I've known him for 15 years - It's hard for me to just walk away from this...

It's very true that actions speak louder than words & his actions do say that he is putting himself first.
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Old 08-15-2019, 08:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Recovery is every bit as selfish as addiction. Keep in mind, by him putting himself first right now, he may have saved his own life. It must be first, and that's hard for your loved ones to grasp.
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Old 08-15-2019, 09:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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How was your life & how were you doing during the year you were away from him?
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Old 08-15-2019, 09:21 AM   #6 (permalink)
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since you've known each other for 15 years, i really don't see any RUSH here? you don't have to decide anything today.

six months is very very young fragile recovery. it is and should be his focus. because without recovery, it's back to the drugs and all the misery. starting up a relationship is a distraction that is really unnecessary at this point.

give time time. if he starts pressuring you, that's a red flag.
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Old 08-15-2019, 09:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi all my Eddie Lee. March 23 1992 we met at my work for lunch. this great looking guy in black leather sweating like it was 102 outside. the building held its breath.. April 23 1992 I walked into his flat it was hot and cold running women drugs and teenagers. I laid into him solid. that was it. have a life.. he had to go to the bus to follow me home. I went to a friends house with broken heart and hippup tears. called my kids and said this is what happened..now my kids were Ivan 22 5 foot 9 inches tall Moose 21 6 foot 8 inches tall and my Melanie 20 and over 5 foot 7inches and a real Mother of a Mother... Eddie lee showed up in the snow dark out and after 9pm ,,, they let him sit in the snow on the front porch. let him in at 1 am. and all laid into him hard. what the H do you think your are doing dummy. Where's your Mom. not here. they let him stay till the bus was going to come at 6:30am... he showed up at the building on Monday flowers down on one knee and the place went silent. promised to never do any of that again..
yep kids he quit and never touched any of it again. it was bliss.. we had a great life .. then in 2006 Dec he had an accident at Work. neck shoulder and back had to have surgery April 2007 neck August 207 shoulder.. Oct 2008 back.. I was the only provider in the house. work care for him work worry about how to feed us work and doctors and hospitals. and then they gave him Morphine tables 2 a day . life went to hell fast. I was afraid for my life. had friends that would hide me over the weekend until he cooled off or realized his meal ticket was running off.. took until Nov of 2011 for the workmens comp case to start to give us something back.. and the morphine and the drugs for pain had him solid....
140,000.00 went thro his fingers in less then 2 years.. zip I gotta have you never let me do anything I want and pop went the temper..
Nov 2014 they had tried to work down the amount of morphine they were giving him. the last two weeks of that month were hell.. I was watching and additic that was loosing his fix. and then on the phone with Emerency unit of hospital I heard him fall. call the EMT's now get them here now..
they restarted his heart .. in hospital for 11 days. did not know who he was who I was or where he was. I have video of those days .
Sept 2016 my Daughter has bought a bungalow to have me safe and Eddie lee forever... I call home to say Hi Babe what you doing. and this babble happens I fly out the door. he has fallen off a 6 foot ladder .. emts come and hospital for a week.
March 2018 something is just not right lots of head aches pain in arm and hands and his temper again is out of control.. I feel safer at work then anywhere..
Nov 2018 we are having a good evening volunteering with the folk fair. but there is something just so wrong.. by that Sunday before Thanksgiving I have him back in hospital Doc take one look and says you have had a stroke... first thing they do is IV with morphine..... I am in tears.. 5 days in hospital. day before Thanks giving bring my Eddie Lee home..
April 3 2019 he is screaming at me at 3am he has to drive I know if he pops we will both die.. drops me at work 6:15am I look into the car at a face that I have given 26 years of my life to to keep him alive.. and know this might be the last time I see him alive. Babe What he scrams.. I love you Babe.. and he stops .. but the black lay of cloud is all around him. be safe going home Babe I love you.. ya ya ya . and he roars off.. kids I love my Eddie lee more then life.. knew at noon that something was wrong but his cell phone had sounds.. had to be a wrong number dial again. sounds of a hospital ER.. hang up.. third time lady This is Mr. Richters phone who is this. I knew just had to confirm is this hospital ER,,, my pal Mikey came roaring out to grab me. in ER in 45 minutes after call.. April 4 10 am our family Doc we just can't find anything wrong He is going to F---ing Die what do I do then. blood test Friday april 5 10 am they take him from the special room for tests. 3pm tiny little Doc pulls me down to his size. if I say Widowmaker to you how upset will you be. all of my clown my security guard and my Pop on my shoulder held me tight.. is he still alive. we have to do emergency surgery as soon as we can.. ICU Sat morning they had him doped proper. Sunday 7am going down the hall he knew I was there. hug me Toots I love you I love you too. Dummy Screw this up and I wil find you and kick your sorry ass. he is laughing we kiss RN looks at me .. and pats me softly..
long story kids but now 5 months later.. my adittic now has 19 pills he has to take daily some 2 times in a day.. he hates it. tried not doing a couple just once.. and his Heart screamed at him big time.. everything he puts in him is watched everything he eats is measured everything he drinks is noted. why .. because I have his cremation urin in the living room no kidding as a reminder that is his next rooming area without me or pills or sun or books.(well maybe I 'll burn a book and put some ash with him)(not joking)
but yesterday his laughter was back he patted me on the butt. he gets up with me at 3am and sits while I have coffee. and tries to find a funny movie for us to watch as we have dinner that I made after work fresh.. maybe I will not have my Eddie lee for long but I do have him again for awhile...
.. there are people that scream no one helped Elvis and his problems with drugs and life. but know what I know how Cilla felt when she was afraid for her life... no weapons in my house but a big male animal that is out of control and has forgotten why he loved the female. her life means nothing to him.. at all.. so the hard part is .. and this is only if no children are in the mix.. what are you willing to give up ... to stop your addittic from killing you or themselves.. or the bottom line ... how much are you willing to watch them die in a slow and type of death you know is coming you just can't do anything about it.. medically I am a Mother of a Mother. and this is the last male I will have in my life. I miss my Eddie Lee from 1992 so very much. have some photos taken of us by very close friends that saw the best of us together. love you all so much for holding me tight over all these years. ardy...
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Old 08-15-2019, 09:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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There is no one in a million years that can tell me that by legalizing anything for the public to take will help their families or live. I need a tissue big time. love you all so much. be safe and hug someone you love. .
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Old 08-15-2019, 11:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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My year without him was extremely hard. I thought about him every single day and tried to move on talking with other people and had a fling with someone new for a month but it simply didn't feel the same. I couldn't shake the connection I felt i had with him.

He is not pressuring me into getting back together at all. Only trying to be very open & honest with me about what he's going through and realizing that he feels very confident in how he's handling things right now.

He actually came to me 4 months ago and we started talking casually. Then we hooked up and he ghosted me because he was ashamed over how he acted and felt that his motives weren't right. Sex is a drug too as they say... 4 months after that is where i'm at right now. He's come to me again and it seems as though the universe has willed it. There has been many signs and I could just feel that he was going to message me again. I'm glad he did because I feel like i had to get things off my chest that I wasn't able to before.

I know there isn't a rush. But it literally hurts to live this life without him. But then I think there can be someone out there for me that doesn't have addiction problems. But would I feel the same connection I have with him?

It's a big pill to swallow.
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Old 08-15-2019, 12:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You have known him for 15 years.

Your love rekindled a year ago. He was totally honest about his addictions & you broke up because he continued to choose partying over you.

He is 6 months sober

After breaking up because he chose partying over you, six months later he contacted you & you "hooked" up but he ghosted you for the next 4 months because he was ashamed about how he acted.

He is not pressuring you now to get back together but currently told you "He says he believes having me in his life again will be another inspiration to keep him on his better path."

Question:

How long was he addicted to coke, alcohol, & gambling? BTW that's a fairly common combination.
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Old 08-16-2019, 09:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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He started drinking and doing drugs when we knew each other in high school so has been active with substances for like 10 years.

He did psychedelics every now and then too. Gambling & coke started maybe 5+ years ago.
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Old 08-16-2019, 11:05 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Which means he has a long relationship with substance abuse that will be hard to break. Just saying.

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Originally Posted by CellarDoor123 View Post
He started drinking and doing drugs when we knew each other in high school so has been active with substances for like 10 years.

He did psychedelics every now and then too. Gambling & coke started maybe 5+ years ago.
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Old 08-16-2019, 11:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Should I walk away?
i think you answered that:
But getting back together, I would essentially be opening myself up to future pain and possible relapse which scares me.

i'm worried I will regret it in the future if things were to go down a bad path again and that I essentially set myself up for a lifetime of pain.

sure reads like ya have the cart before the horse. reads like ya have yerself married and all that stuff before even dating for a year at LEAST.

We've started talking again because we both admit that we can't move on from one another... We still love each other
not moving on is a choice. nobody is chained down to any relationship unless they allow it.

its reading like ya have quite a bit of low self esteeem and insecurities. prolly a good idea to work on that rather than work on a relationship.
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Old 08-16-2019, 11:26 AM   #14 (permalink)
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He is 6 months into recovery after many years of addiction which started at a young age.

I am guessing you did drugs with him but he was lying about how much & often he was doing drugs.

You have good reason to make the below statements:

" I am so scared to be vulnerable to him and get hurt again

I would essentially be opening myself up to future pain and possible relapse which scares me"

I cant predict how this turns out if you get back together but it honestly doesn't sound good. No matter which way it goes your in for a very rough ride.

Don't give him access to your finances. If he relapses, it will be off to the coke dealer then in the car & off to the casino or insert whatever gambling. Just having a couple drinks could trigger off all this behavior. Coked up gamblers can go through a ton of money & not even blink an eye.

I hope you also understand that coke, alcohol, & gambling addicts are not the faithful type. Its just the nature of the beast so to speak.

I hope you do a lot of reading & research concerning addition so you can make informed decisions. You should be extremely nervous & cautious.
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Old 08-16-2019, 05:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi Cellar. It's been a rocky relationship.

Two things stand out in what you have shared:

Quote:
He says he believes having me in his life again will be another inspiration to keep him on his better path
You then said to him that you would have to be considered as well. That should go without saying but it's good that you did say it because this statement above seems very self-centered.

The second part and for me this would be the big, big! waving red flag:

Quote:
Then we hooked up and he ghosted me because he was ashamed over how he acted and felt that his motives weren't right.
You can call it ghosting but as horrible as the connotations of that are, he just decided to ignore you, give you no explanation, show complete and total disregard for your feelings and just leave you hanging there feeling horrible.

This was 4 months ago - 16 weeks! Now he has had this huge revelation and he is all zen and together. Frankly I'm not buying it. Now that is just my personal opinion but I hear the doubt in your reply too.

You have known him for 15 years - as HL said, no rush here. How about you review in say another six months when he has a year of sobriety? Even then, you might want to take it slow.

In the meantime, how about being friends (not with benefits, because as soon as you add that to the mix there is all the emotional/hormonal bonding).
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Old 08-17-2019, 11:05 AM   #16 (permalink)
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You saying
. . . but it literally hurts to live this life without him

is a big red flag you should pay attention to for you. You also need recovery and healing from the relationship so you can take care of your boundaries and make safe and positive decisions for your future relationships and life.
If you've been in a kind of "holding pattern" since he left, well, I would suggest that you are not yet in recovery and very vulnerable to getting back into a relationship prematurely that isn't in your best interest right now.

Him saying
. . .he believes having me in his life again will be another inspiration to keep him on his better path

is a red flag coming from him. He is in charge of his recovery, and being an "inspiration" is sort of like being a resource where he isn't relying on himself, but someone else to prop him up. If so, he will not be successful in the long term.

Two dependent people don't make a stable couple. You need to be strong and happy in your own company before you get involved with anyone, let alone a recovering addict who has already ghosted you recently. That shows he lacks empathy and maturity. Healthy adults don't do things like that to people at all, especially ones they have known for fifteen years. Not cool and a bad sign.

Right now he is one tiny six-month step away from the open door of addiction. He needs to focus on recovery, not a relationship in the near future. That's a distraction from the hard work of recovery. When someone has been addicted from a young age, they have a lot of growing up to do, and it isn't easy. The ghosting incident suggests he is very immature at this stage.

Be careful and take care of you. It seems like you've been on the receiving end of a whole lot of hurt from this person, and no amount of love or time you have known him excuses that--
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