CellarDoor123

It's been 2 months since he kissed the other girl.
It's been spooky how he appears when I will him into the universe.
He reached out again and we hashed everything out. We hated how we had left things and that we still love each other. Something keeps bringing us back together.

I am trying to understand his side of the story because I realize more and more that mental health is a serious thing and you can't always blame the person for doing what they do.

I am putting no expectation on this. I just know that I feel relieved that he has reached out and that we are talking again. His absence from me felt more like a dark cloud than when he is with me.

He will be 9 months sober and he is doing the work.

trailmix

I wonder if it's willing him in to your universe or just that he is pretty much on a 4 month rotation of contacting you. A couple more weeks and he would be spot on - April - August - December.

But anyway, he has been doing the work but that didn't stop him ghosting you or kissing some other girl (he was sober when he did that).

Now, again, a few weeks later, he is asking you to trust him (again). His track record is not good. He is working on recovery and has this epiphany to contact you - and oops he sleeps with you then ignores you. You discuss that the relationship needs to be real and with a real future then oops, he kisses some other woman.

He keeps claiming he is on this great path then showing you he is not.

Please protect yourself, I think he has probably caused you enough grief and hurt at this point? I hope you will be really cautious and take this slowly.

Being hurt in this way is really damaging to you. That's really my only concern here by the way. I certainly don't begrudge you happiness whether that is with an alcoholic or someone who never drinks. What I do see though is a guy in early recovery who may not be fully out of that self-centered "thing" that addicts do/are.

Of course it feels that way because it takes more than a few weeks to separate yourself out of a relationship. You need time to heal from it.

Proceed with lots of caution?

pdm22

On the previous page, you said this:

..so it sounds like you were already trying to understand his side of the story, and getting a boatload of hurt dumped on you in the process?

This sounds like a slippery slope here (for you) :/

AnvilheadII

I am trying to understand his side of the story because I realize more and more that mental health is a serious thing and you can't always blame the person for doing what they do.

couldn't you apply that same reasoning to his reaching out to you?

you seem to desire to fluff this thing up quite a bit - the Universe brought him to you, you WILLED him to come to you, it was meant to be, love like no other, how bereft you feel without him.

i strongly suggest you slow your roll, stick to the facts, watch his actions.

hopeful4

I gently agree with Anvil. I know it's hard. Sending you a hug.

CellarDoor123

Thank you all for the words of caution.

It definitely does feel different this time than the last couple of times we have "tried things again". We have been in communication and have seen each other only a handful of times but are taking it slow. The other times it felt like we went in so hard and almost acted as if nothing bad ever happened between us. We are both making sure that we are still taking time for ourselves. We haven't even been saying "I love you". I think previously we both put such a high expectation on each other and this time we're not so there isn't that constant anxiety of "what is this? what are we? are we back together? will this work?" Day by day.

I admit that it is challenging to be talking him again and not call him "my boyfriend" considering our history but I am happy to have him in my life rather than not at all. I am not totally closing the book to other guys either - but I am not out there seeking them. I only have one foot in the hot tub so-to-speak. He is still earning my trust back after all...

My biggest concern now is our different lifestyles. He is sober and VERY spiritual now. I am very much on the outside surface of spirituality slowly starting to explore it. It has always been a goal of mine. I worry that he may want to be with someone that is as sober & spiritual as him.

I know there is the chance of getting hurt again but I have not been totally convinced that I can walk away from this.

Is there anyone that has been in this position before? I do feel our relationship getting stronger and more multi-layered throughout all of this.

trailmix

You mean in an on again off again relationship that seemed to be working better?

Sleepyhollo

Recovery is selfish, at least if they are doing it right. That’s why they recommend not starting any new relationships for that first year (and I know for you it wasn’t new but your weren’t in a relationship together when he sought recovery). You are addicted to him and what might be with him. Have you done any counseling yourself? Gone to Alanon? Researched addiction and codependence? Read codependence no more? Because truthfully it sounds like you really need to work on you before you can move on with either him or someone else. Us Codies tend to end up in similar relationships if we don’t work on us. Us non addicts think it will be ok once the addict gets sober but we need our own recovery from being codies. We have our own issues that lead us down the path of bad relationships with addicts, we tend to be rescuers and care takers which is why we end up with addicts . I never understood that until my now ex went to rehab and I started counseling. It has been a long road for me too, to not fall back into codependency, work on my self esteem and to put myself first instead of others. I never realized how much work I needed myself.
Tell I’m to come back when he has been at least a year sober. You may also find that he is a changed person and no longer the fun person he was. He has to change if he wants to stay sober and that may not be the person for you anymore. Unfortunately by the time my ex went to rehab I had hit rock bottom and had detached so my love for him was gone (which I did not really realize yet at that time) and that probably leaves me a little biased but he is no longer the same person he was when we met. He has grown up and become an adult (in his 50s). He isn’t a bad person at all but he is different. Not the person I fell in love with. I also was not going to give up my alcohol as I don’t have a problem with it. But it makes parties very different when everyone drinks and he cannot. It shouldn’t matter but it is just different. And like I said our relationship was in a bad place already but sobriety does change people, it has too.
So far your guy doesn’t really seem to be very stable emotionally yet. He needs to focus on himself. My ex admitted that me being distant and detached after rehab actually helped him because it forced him to focus on himself and not on trying to fix our relationship. I think we would’ve been at a real risk of falling back into codependency to be honest. He wanted it to work so badly.
Focus on you, let him focus on him and set boundaries. Because if you don’t he will continue this off again on again relationship when it is convenient for him and you will end up hurt over and over again. You and he need to learn to be happy all alone. Until you do, you will just end up in a codependent relationship again

CellarDoor123

I just want to say that I really appreciate the time ya'll take in responding to my posts... I know we're all strangers on here but there is definitely comfort in knowing that I can keep coming back to this thread and get the insight that I need. I don't want to get caught up in the strong feelings I have for him...

There was a situation that happened that is telling me it's a RED FLAG.

We have been talking for 2 months now and it's been going great but we're still not officially "together". I decided to finally make it out to his band's show since we're on good terms. On my way there he texted me and told me that SHE was gonna there...

"SHE" as in that girl from his recovery program that he was casually seeing before we tried things again. "SHE" that ended up kissing him and what ended things for us last time around. I knew this moment was going to come sooner or later...

It was also my first time seeing his family again which was nice. I told him I was going to get a drink and he was totally cool with me drinking around him. When She arrived, he ended up making a point of introducing us all. It was awkward AF. He was very open with me afterward over how awkward the whole situation was for all of us. I found out she ended up leaving before their set because some of her old using friends were there and she had to leave the situation. He thought she was coming to the show with their other recovery friends but she came alone. Red flag? What business does she have showing up alone? He hasn't been totally transparent with her lately that we're talking again so I feel like there was an ulterior motive there and maybe she also left because she felt uncomfortable meeting me...

I told him how upset and uncomfortable it made me feel that she felt the need to come alone and that I don't trust her around him. He expressed that he felt like he should reach out to her to make sure she was OK after seeing her old using friends and that he didn't realize the venue would be full with such drug users (for the record it was kinda sketchy) -- which I understood. I know it's part of the program to be there as a support for others in your fellowship. I know this makes him feel good. It feed his ego since he's been on such a good path to recovery and he's happy to share his knowledge.

But what hurt me even more was...
We hung out the next day and he didn't bother bringing it up again even though he knew how much it upset me. I had to ask him what She said about the night and it was at that point that he finally told me that he ended up messaging her to make sure she was ok. I was very offended that he made the effort to make sure SHE was ok but not the effort to make sure I was ok??

Again I feel like I'm not the priority here. I feel like in the situation with her, he feels like the hero because it wasn't totally his fault that she had to leave. Rather with me, he doesn't feel like a hero and feels like he's done wrong so he avoids bringing up the conversation because he knew I was so hurt by it and he had a hand in that.

I am just so very hurt that it didn't seem like a concern of his to check in with me but made the effort to check in with her. And why was the situation so awkward in the first place? If it was all said and done with her and he totally wasn't worried about their feelings towards each other anymore, it would have been entirely platonic. But it just seemed to be this big thing. And I was the one who had to bring it up again the next day. He used to do this when he didn't tell me he was doing drugs. It wasn't until I brought it up that he would admit it.

RED FLAG. I don't feel like i'm being irrational here...

trailmix

No, you're not being irrational. Why did he text her to see if she was ok anyway? I doubt it was about the venue, it was probably that there is still something there, at least on her side.
If there is and he hasn't been upfront about you two working on your relationship, so he allows her to show up and you are there, what's that about?

Was it inappropriate for him to invite her, yes, when you two are just trying to work things out.

Have you considered that using drugs or not, maybe he just is not the best guy for YOU? If this is playing out the way it appears to be playing out, this is high school stuff, is he generally immature?

The whole story is weird to be honest. I'm not sure what he is getting out of this except maybe an ego boost.

HardLessons

Im sorry but yes you are not the priority. I was doing a huge amount for her & I often felt I was not a priority in any way shape or form. Every other form of BS was often the priority.

Its just the nature of the beast type of thing.

AnvilheadII

well, for starters, you two are not a thing again - you've been talking and taking it slow. again. this is a pattern. no one is committed to anyone or anything.

you decide to see his band play. you went on your own.

meanwhile, another female he has maintained contact with, also decides to show up, on her own.

it sounds like she had already decided to attend, and then you made the same decision, so he texted to you to let you know this.

you decided to proceed.

she left, for whatever reasons. he texted her. which i doubt was done with pure altruistic motives.

he's got you both on the hook. he probably didn't plan for you both to be in the same place at the same time.

you get to decide how long you want to play the game. be strung along. get disappointed. keep trying over and over with one person who to date hasn't exactly beamed with stability, commitment, direction or focus. you can move on at any time. any.time.

Derringer

He is your primary addiction.

You should seek recovery and permanent abstinence from good looking bad boys with just enough going for them to make you think you can salvage them.

CellarDoor123

I wanted to update this thread for anyone that might have gone through the same thing as me. There is hope.

He is 18 months sober and we are doing fantastic. We are officially back together and we actually moved in together. He is active in his recovery group, chairing meetings and recently became a sponsor. I still occasionally drink and smoke around him and it is not a trigger for him. We continue to be open and honest with one another and I truly believe that he is in sober recovery for the long haul. I realize that with big life changes, he can always relapse but he has told me of the signs to look out for.

I am still working on trusting him again but his actions have finally spoken in how serious is he willing to be this time. I hope that this lasts and I hope that it is possible to be with someone in recovery forever. Despite everything, nobody truly knows him as much as I do. I appreciate everyone's advice on this journey.

nez

Hi Cellar Door 123. Sounds like y'all are in a good place. My wife has been with me on our recovery journey for over 17 years now. We both trust and have faith in each other to be there for the good times and the bad. Together we will help each other through any challenges that arise. Our marriage, bond, and intimacy continues to grow. For us, that is what life is all about.

maelhe

Remember how you feel now because he will come back again. He feels you are an inspiration to help him in his recovery? To me that means he’s looking for something outside himself to hold on to his recovery and that’s a train wreck waiting to happen. My ex partner told me that if she was with me she knew she could stay away from alcohol. What I didn’t k ow was she was on Vicodin. But that shouldn’t have even mattered. I felt a lot of pressure to make sure she stayed sober and I finally let that sink in. I’m only in the very very early stages of “no contact” with her (she’s a narcissist). I pray for strength every day to keep that. I have amazing support from my friends. They help keep me accountable even though this is all so new.