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Old 11-20-2019, 05:15 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Talking again

It's been 2 months since he kissed the other girl.
It's been spooky how he appears when I will him into the universe.
He reached out again and we hashed everything out. We hated how we had left things and that we still love each other. Something keeps bringing us back together.

I am trying to understand his side of the story because I realize more and more that mental health is a serious thing and you can't always blame the person for doing what they do.

I am putting no expectation on this. I just know that I feel relieved that he has reached out and that we are talking again. His absence from me felt more like a dark cloud than when he is with me.

He will be 9 months sober and he is doing the work.
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Old 11-20-2019, 08:55 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I wonder if it's willing him in to your universe or just that he is pretty much on a 4 month rotation of contacting you. A couple more weeks and he would be spot on - April - August - December.

But anyway, he has been doing the work but that didn't stop him ghosting you or kissing some other girl (he was sober when he did that).

Now, again, a few weeks later, he is asking you to trust him (again). His track record is not good. He is working on recovery and has this epiphany to contact you - and oops he sleeps with you then ignores you. You discuss that the relationship needs to be real and with a real future then oops, he kisses some other woman.

He keeps claiming he is on this great path then showing you he is not.

Please protect yourself, I think he has probably caused you enough grief and hurt at this point? I hope you will be really cautious and take this slowly.

Being hurt in this way is really damaging to you. That's really my only concern here by the way. I certainly don't begrudge you happiness whether that is with an alcoholic or someone who never drinks. What I do see though is a guy in early recovery who may not be fully out of that self-centered "thing" that addicts do/are.

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I am putting no expectation on this. I just know that I feel relieved that he has reached out and that we are talking again. His absence from me felt more like a dark cloud than when he is with me.
Of course it feels that way because it takes more than a few weeks to separate yourself out of a relationship. You need time to heal from it.

Proceed with lots of caution?
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Old 11-21-2019, 05:30 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CellarDoor123 View Post
I am trying to understand his side of the story because I realize more and more that mental health is a serious thing and you can't always blame the person for doing what they do.
.

On the previous page, you said this:

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Originally Posted by CellarDoor123 View Post
This doesn't excuse his actions at all and quite frankly I am tired of using his addiction as an excuse to accept hurt unto myself.
..so it sounds like you were already trying to understand his side of the story, and getting a boatload of hurt dumped on you in the process?

This sounds like a slippery slope here (for you) :/
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Old 11-21-2019, 10:30 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I am trying to understand his side of the story because I realize more and more that mental health is a serious thing and you can't always blame the person for doing what they do.

couldn't you apply that same reasoning to his reaching out to you?

you seem to desire to fluff this thing up quite a bit - the Universe brought him to you, you WILLED him to come to you, it was meant to be, love like no other, how bereft you feel without him.

i strongly suggest you slow your roll, stick to the facts, watch his actions.
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Old 11-25-2019, 09:38 AM   #25 (permalink)
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I gently agree with Anvil. I know it's hard. Sending you a hug.
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Old 12-01-2019, 06:47 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Thank you all for the words of caution.

It definitely does feel different this time than the last couple of times we have "tried things again". We have been in communication and have seen each other only a handful of times but are taking it slow. The other times it felt like we went in so hard and almost acted as if nothing bad ever happened between us. We are both making sure that we are still taking time for ourselves. We haven't even been saying "I love you". I think previously we both put such a high expectation on each other and this time we're not so there isn't that constant anxiety of "what is this? what are we? are we back together? will this work?" Day by day.

I admit that it is challenging to be talking him again and not call him "my boyfriend" considering our history but I am happy to have him in my life rather than not at all. I am not totally closing the book to other guys either - but I am not out there seeking them. I only have one foot in the hot tub so-to-speak. He is still earning my trust back after all...

My biggest concern now is our different lifestyles. He is sober and VERY spiritual now. I am very much on the outside surface of spirituality slowly starting to explore it. It has always been a goal of mine. I worry that he may want to be with someone that is as sober & spiritual as him.

I know there is the chance of getting hurt again but I have not been totally convinced that I can walk away from this.

Is there anyone that has been in this position before? I do feel our relationship getting stronger and more multi-layered throughout all of this.
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Old 12-01-2019, 07:14 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CellarDoor123 View Post
Is there anyone that has been in this position before? I do feel our relationship getting stronger and more multi-layered throughout all of this.
You mean in an on again off again relationship that seemed to be working better?
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Old 12-03-2019, 06:03 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Recovery is selfish, at least if they are doing it right. That’s why they recommend not starting any new relationships for that first year (and I know for you it wasn’t new but your weren’t in a relationship together when he sought recovery). You are addicted to him and what might be with him. Have you done any counseling yourself? Gone to Alanon? Researched addiction and codependence? Read codependence no more? Because truthfully it sounds like you really need to work on you before you can move on with either him or someone else. Us Codies tend to end up in similar relationships if we don’t work on us. Us non addicts think it will be ok once the addict gets sober but we need our own recovery from being codies. We have our own issues that lead us down the path of bad relationships with addicts, we tend to be rescuers and care takers which is why we end up with addicts . I never understood that until my now ex went to rehab and I started counseling. It has been a long road for me too, to not fall back into codependency, work on my self esteem and to put myself first instead of others. I never realized how much work I needed myself.
Tell I’m to come back when he has been at least a year sober. You may also find that he is a changed person and no longer the fun person he was. He has to change if he wants to stay sober and that may not be the person for you anymore. Unfortunately by the time my ex went to rehab I had hit rock bottom and had detached so my love for him was gone (which I did not really realize yet at that time) and that probably leaves me a little biased but he is no longer the same person he was when we met. He has grown up and become an adult (in his 50s). He isn’t a bad person at all but he is different. Not the person I fell in love with. I also was not going to give up my alcohol as I don’t have a problem with it. But it makes parties very different when everyone drinks and he cannot. It shouldn’t matter but it is just different. And like I said our relationship was in a bad place already but sobriety does change people, it has too.
So far your guy doesn’t really seem to be very stable emotionally yet. He needs to focus on himself. My ex admitted that me being distant and detached after rehab actually helped him because it forced him to focus on himself and not on trying to fix our relationship. I think we would’ve been at a real risk of falling back into codependency to be honest. He wanted it to work so badly.
Focus on you, let him focus on him and set boundaries. Because if you don’t he will continue this off again on again relationship when it is convenient for him and you will end up hurt over and over again. You and he need to learn to be happy all alone. Until you do, you will just end up in a codependent relationship again
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