AnonWife

Im not asking for help with Smart. I was only asking how people handle their emotions.

Maybe I phrased it where people dont understand. Regardless of what approach you use, or if you cut someone out of your life - dont you have emotions that bubble up?

No one here has times they are frustrated, sad, angry, afraid things are going too well. You know EMOTIONS

Needabreak

Actually no, you didn't just ask about how to deal with emotions. You asked about how to deal with emotions specifically related to the approach you are using toward your addicted husband. It is this question of yours that we have all been responding to.

As far as dealing with difficult emotions in general, well, I have been known to go and get an hour massage if I am worked up about something. I do yoga regularly -- this helps. And if I am having an emotional reaction to a circumstance in my life, or a person in my life, I ask myself if there is something wrong with my own thought processes, or if those emotions are warning me about something. I have learned that it is usually the latter.

I'm sorry, but your posts are very circular, and I am finding myself less and less able to figure out what it is you are looking for. It seems like you have an approach that you want validated, and that you are getting frustrated that it isn't being validated, but you expect it to be validated at some point in the future if you just keep posting. Not sure where you are going to get with this.

AnonWife

Ive been on this site a couple weeks but this was my firsr post to this particular forum. I assumed my question would be answered by women who are in a relationship using an approach like mine or something close.
Im not certain but it appears everyone who replied is in a different place. Going through a breakup, divorcing, already divorced, long time breakup.
If I had known this I would have phrased the question different,
Or is there more of a relationship forum here for people living with an active addict or alcoholic?

Regardless, your reply is more of what i was looking for except I guess I hoped people were talking more about their feelings.

No I dont want validation for using my approach at all. Im content although some people made interesting points. But I didnt even expect those kinds of replies.

NoelleR

AnonWife.......Yes, since most of the folks here in this Forum are closely allied with Al-Anon, your assumption/misunderstanding that folks here would understand.......perhaps your question would be better suited for.................:

Secular Connections for Friends and Family

Alternatives to 12 Step Recovery Support for Friends and Family of Alcohol and Substance Abusers. Discussion of Non 12 Step alternatives and recovery programs such as LifeRing, Smart, SOS, CBT, AVRT, and utilization of other non 12 Step tools for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's addiction
12 Step Programs are off topic for this forum and posts that negatively reference 12 Step programs will be removed

Even though not specified, CRAFT is often discussed.

(o:

P.S. I have no problem with SMART, but as a recovered 'A,' I always get a chuckle out of CRAFT; it would never have worked on me to change my behaviors/my using, nor with any of my recovered friends with whom I've discussed it.

mamaof3boyz

Anonwife
I truly hope your journey with your husband has a happy ending. Of course we all wish nothing but recovery and happiness. What ever the approach, sobriety is a long hard road for all involved. I pray for your family's health and well being. I hope you find the answers you're looking for...but really, no one has the answers except you..And eventually you will figure it out...At least that's what I've been told. Good luck xoxo

AnonWife

I find 5 family forums but only this one and alcoholic one look to have any traffic. These dont say they are AA specific.

I bet your program is AA Noel? I decided to look into smart/craft because it best matches what my family; especially my husband did to help me. I dont label myself but Im a recovered addict also. Before my daughter, before my husband ever touched the stuff. It helped me realize I needed to make a change, and I feel it kept me from having a low bottom. I escaped with help from my doctor and several months of therapy. I can only imagine how low I might have gone, unecessarily if he hadnt been there for me in the way that he was. Those who recover usually swear by their own experiences Ive found. Its all we have to go on for the most part.

Happy to meet you,

AnonWife

Thank you, all your posts were very kind and I appreciate the support and care.

NoelleR

#1--If you're going to call someone out, the least you could do is spell his or her name correctly.

...and Nope, not AA. I've been to meetings; I've read the BB; I've also studied and researched SMART, and RR, and LifeRing, and others........if nothing else I'm 'none of the above' and 'all of the above.'

(o:

AnonWife

Didnt mean to mis-spell your name there, sorry. I guess I was still in Christmas jargon mode and "noel" stuck in my mind.

Hawkeye13

I think mindfulness and fun are excellent additions to anybody's life,
but are particularly useful for those of us dealing with the stress of
living with an addicted spouse.

I began a yoga practice Anon which has really helped me in so many ways.
I cultivate mindfulness as part of this practice, and plan on adding a
separate "pure meditation" component to my self-care plan this coming year.
I feel better physically, mentally, and spiritually since I started yoga
and strongly advocate trying it.

I actually do a combination of face-to-face classes and DVDs.
Face to face gives me some interaction with others,
and I find a nice peacefulness to the yoga studios I go to.
The DVDs are excellent and I can do them whenever I want
and they are quite a bit cheaper than paying for classes.

Having fun for me is hiking and learning to play guitar and now piano.
I do a serious gym routine 3-4 times a week which helps release strong emotion
and I'm much handier around the house and yard lifting heavy things as a result.
I also started taking voice lessons last Fall and am continuing that.
I make simple jewelry as well and do some reading and journaling
to pass the time.
Cooking is a huge passion and fun for me.
I like to blend herbal teas as well--I am a recovering alcoholic so of course
making tasty things I can drink safely has a double-reward.

What does "fun" maybe look like for you?
I actually had to think for quite some time what it was for me
as I had spent years deeply enmeshed caregiving to my alcoholic mother
so this question is actually more difficult than it seems. . .

AnonWife

Its funny you mention yoga. I began focusing on my overall health and emotional wellbeing when I recovered from substances but over the years and after my daughter came along, then I began to focus more on her, other priorities and short changed time and care for myself. I made a commitment to turn this around especially as a way to ensure my health now Im dealing with my husband.

There is this new yoga studio I am trying to get up the nerve to try out. It looks very sleek and I feel out of shape, insecure to go there. Silly I know, but honest. Having done yoga I felt the same sense of peace you did.

I DO need to rethink fun and what makea ME feel good.

Hawkeye13

Yeah--the "sleek studio" put me off for a long time too. . .
What I did was to get there early and set up in the back corner so I was looking forward
but nobody was looking at me, except my partner to the right, who also was very
likely shy as I was, but I beat them to the corner

Check out what a series of classes costs--after I tried it and liked it
(although it was hard and I was really out of shape)
I got a set of 30 visits good for a year much cheaper than the pay as you go.

Now I have my yoga friends who I only see at the studio, but we see
each other there and I'm cordial with the teachers, so I feel like I "belong"
and am not so worried about being in the back anymore.
I just worry about me and what's happening on my mat. . .

Go for it!
Time for you--taking care of you benefits the family.
They say around here "put your oxygen mask on first" just like on an airplane

PinkCloudsCharley

Anon wife you are doing awesome!

I too have a young child and a teen, and live in a cold winter climate, so "getting out" isn't always an option. I try to do things like use essential oils to help my own moods. I find they provide a lift or relaxation depending on the blend I use.

I also use games on my phone as a way to cool down or think my way through a stressful time. Doing something mindless for a couple minutes allows my heart rate to stabilize and the anger or sadness or frustration to slowly wash away. Or I use these games to allow my mind to think through the situation and the best way to handle it.

Not sure if you are spiritual but I find praying helps too.

I for one think you are on the right path. Dignity and respect for both people is key and of utmost importance.

hopeful4

I understand what you are saying. I went through a time of this, where I tried this. It did not work for me personally b/c even though I did carry on with my own life, and make sure I was having enjoyment, etc. It was just really too hard to ignore the pressure building up inside me all the time. The walking on eggshells.

I had to leave a lot to be honest. Planned a lot of things out of town and outside the home. Took a lot of walks. Exercise. It was easy to stay busy b/c of having two kids, but eventually it was just too much.

Hugs to you.

AnonWife

You know what I mean then, that studio calls to me everytime I pass by and I have started to think its a good thing because instead of saying something negative in my mind like you wont fit in, Im finding myself saying you can do this. Walking in the door is a win no matter what follows. But I do need to buy a new outfit first all my stuff is faded and looks more like mom house attire than workout gear. Thank you for the encouragment. One reason I signed up here was to have some moral support as I begin to do more for myself.

AnonWife

What kind of pressure was building up? Was it your spouse behavior was getting worse and too hard to live with?

Im not looking within and wanting to focus on me to get out of the house and avoid him. Mostly its because I woke up and realized I no longer have a lot of outside interests, and have focused less on my overall health. I want to be the best version of me and be healthy for my daughter. Bonus too. Hawkwye13 (hopefully I spelled your correct) at Smart they use the oxygen mask idea too, and they say taking care of myself and being fit will help me, my family, my ability to cope with what gets thrown at me in life more successfully.

AnonWife

I would like for us to get back into church as a family. Its another on my to do list.

Ive never tried oils but was recently watching a show on skincare and they recommended oils. We have a nice organic seller nearby and its pricey but I was going to take the list mentioned and check them out one day. I think they must be diluted someway, hope they sell small quantities for experimenting.

Respect, yes. Using Smart so far Im focusing on how we interact, and the more I include him in things, listen to him - even the self pity parties now and then - it is changing how he responds to me. Its as if Im not as hurt or angry, treating him as bad or damaged. He is more wounded and slowly he is sharing more of his feelings on certain things, and I am finding I enjoy listening, and he is doing better listening to me when I share. Its been a huge change because we were getting cold toward each other. I was causing part of it with my attitude. Its got a lot to do with respect and acceptance I think.