How do you handle your emotions when using incentives
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
How do you handle your emotions when using incentives
There are so many forums here but I fit into several. My husband uses pain meds and drinks in-betwwen those uses.
My question is when applying incentives how do you manage your emotions? Im having success opening up options and seeing him choose the healthy alternative (not using) but
sometimes its frustrating because he has
periods of time where he is unreachable
because of already being buzzed, or obviously
high. Those times I try to carry on with the planned activity on my own or coming up with an alternate plan for myself. Usually I am able to express clearly I wished he could have participated because I enjoy his company when he is sober. Sometimes its frustrating and I still feel sad even while Im trying to make the best of it.
My question is when applying incentives how do you manage your emotions? Im having success opening up options and seeing him choose the healthy alternative (not using) but
sometimes its frustrating because he has
periods of time where he is unreachable
because of already being buzzed, or obviously
high. Those times I try to carry on with the planned activity on my own or coming up with an alternate plan for myself. Usually I am able to express clearly I wished he could have participated because I enjoy his company when he is sober. Sometimes its frustrating and I still feel sad even while Im trying to make the best of it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think trying to incentivize an addict to NOT use is ultimately doomed to fail. thus your frustration. drinking and using are his NORMAL.....and without a complete commitment on HIS part to 100% sobriety, at best you are going to get his company on the occasional outing, IF you can catch him before he's too f'd up......pain meds and booze are a BAD combo.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
My question is when applying incentives how do you manage your emotions?
The only thing you can control, AnonWife, is your choices and your behavior. Trying to change or modify his will compromise you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Your correct, his current normal is to self medicate. However its not the normal state of his being. Its because he is sick with an addiction which can be overcome.
The use of incentives comes into play before a person makes the 100% commirment to change. Its not an act of control what so ever, its about providing a positive option, something to encourage a change in behaviors and plant the seeds of desire that a lifestyle change is necessary.
Ive found much to support this approach when studying my options, and have also been encouraged by others who have seen it work.
But its still a natural emotion I think to be sad when he chooses to use, or maybea better way to say it is he lacks the strength at particular times.
The use of incentives comes into play before a person makes the 100% commirment to change. Its not an act of control what so ever, its about providing a positive option, something to encourage a change in behaviors and plant the seeds of desire that a lifestyle change is necessary.
Ive found much to support this approach when studying my options, and have also been encouraged by others who have seen it work.
But its still a natural emotion I think to be sad when he chooses to use, or maybea better way to say it is he lacks the strength at particular times.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I think you'e looking for the threads on CRAFT. They're on this forum.
Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I work my own recovery program through Alanon and get individual therapy. I also left the situation where I was treating an adult man like a child trying to "encourage" him toward sobriety with incentives.
Sorry if that's harsh, but I made a choice to leave the situation that was constantly causing me pain, and that was a big part of my healing. I'm glad I didn't keep wasting my time trying to change him, because he's fallen deeper into the black hole of alcoholism during the past two years while I've rebuilt my life.
Sorry if that's harsh, but I made a choice to leave the situation that was constantly causing me pain, and that was a big part of my healing. I'm glad I didn't keep wasting my time trying to change him, because he's fallen deeper into the black hole of alcoholism during the past two years while I've rebuilt my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Oh no not harsh. If you werent happy and didnt want to stay then you made a good choice.
You tried incentives? Did you wing it on your own like an addict who tries to stop without assistance and flounders or did you work a formal program like Smart to help guide you
? Or your therapist?
Im enjoying the Smart meetings and thinking I may look for a trained therapist after the New Year
You tried incentives? Did you wing it on your own like an addict who tries to stop without assistance and flounders or did you work a formal program like Smart to help guide you
? Or your therapist?
Im enjoying the Smart meetings and thinking I may look for a trained therapist after the New Year
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was in an abusive relationship. I did whatever he wanted trying to control his drunken rages. I didn't have a therapist or program back then because I never knew what I'd be coming home to, so it was all I could do to go to work and run errands.
Like I mentioned earlier, the Secular Connections Forum will have more threads tailored toward the approach you're using here. Good luck getting your husband sober.
Like I mentioned earlier, the Secular Connections Forum will have more threads tailored toward the approach you're using here. Good luck getting your husband sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Your situation was different than mine. No abuse here fortunately.
The choice to get sober can only be made by the individual with the addiction. Think of it this way since your a.follower of AA. Someone has the option to attend a meeting and maybe their sponsor even.suggested they go, or offered to go along. The addict still has a choice and thesponsor is not getting the.person sober. the meeting is not even getting the person sober. It s all happening within the addict.
Now replace the sponsor and the meeting with a choice offered by your wife to have a nice dinner out but only if your sober.
Like AA meetings its incentive to make a different choice, and to begin to remember there is more to life than sitting stoned or
drunk.
The choice to get sober can only be made by the individual with the addiction. Think of it this way since your a.follower of AA. Someone has the option to attend a meeting and maybe their sponsor even.suggested they go, or offered to go along. The addict still has a choice and thesponsor is not getting the.person sober. the meeting is not even getting the person sober. It s all happening within the addict.
Now replace the sponsor and the meeting with a choice offered by your wife to have a nice dinner out but only if your sober.
Like AA meetings its incentive to make a different choice, and to begin to remember there is more to life than sitting stoned or
drunk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Well that could be considered a healthy boundary, as opposed to an incentive. Boundaries are a good thing, and it is understandable for you to say you will not go out to dinner or for an evening out if he is not sober that night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Yes Priscilla right on. I pick a healthy option we both enjoy, like a favorite eatery. He is motivated to stay sober so we can go. We BOTH have a good time and it reinforces positive behaviors, happiness associated with sobriety. And Strong boundaries are necessary for myself and to show a negative reinforcement or consequence he suffers from using.
Ive seen a reduction in his use since I started but clearly sometimes I have to figure out my emotions and its hard to replace dinner alone, or a last minute call out to invite someone else. I guess my feelings are normal and I need to look deeper at them to have peace.
Ive seen a reduction in his use since I started but clearly sometimes I have to figure out my emotions and its hard to replace dinner alone, or a last minute call out to invite someone else. I guess my feelings are normal and I need to look deeper at them to have peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Yeah I think it's impossible to avoid negative emotions like sadness altogether. Especially since you are in a relationship and living together. The answer is detach with love, but that doesn't erase all moments of sadness.
All the advice in the world is great, but as someone said in Nar Anon this evening, people have to go at their own pace and do it their way on their own time. He was referring to friends and family of an addict, though it goes for the addict as well. If what you are doing is working for you guys for now, then just realize there will be sad days for you. If you can accept that and still want to keep trying, more power to you.
All the advice in the world is great, but as someone said in Nar Anon this evening, people have to go at their own pace and do it their way on their own time. He was referring to friends and family of an addict, though it goes for the addict as well. If what you are doing is working for you guys for now, then just realize there will be sad days for you. If you can accept that and still want to keep trying, more power to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by AnonWife 
I pick a healthy option we both enjoy, like a favorite eatery. He is motivated to stay sober so we can go. ...
Just watch things, and decide what you are willing to sacrifice. Are you ok with the idea of being with him 2 years from now if he's still using and you're still experiencing these negative emotions frequently? What about having kids with him if he is still using? What if he gets worse? Future tripping isn't a good thing, but the reality is, some addicts make it to sobriety, some just don't, no matter what program they follow, no matter what rehab they go to, no matter how much healthy love they have in their lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
We have a daughter together. He's a good dad but obviously limited when he's using. He enjoys family activities and loves to see her laugh and smile. Planning activities with her like ice skating, a movie and pizza are things I try to schedule during times he would normally use. Those are very frustrating moments for me when I smell alcohol or see his pinned eyes. I havent always cancelled those plans if he appears stable because she is so happy and excited. That is one of my struggles. But I think hes aware when hes high and around her and I hope in his heart it reaches out and makes his brain think.
I think its best not to react too strongly or pull away exactly. Only recognize the behavior and do my best to enforce my boundary, and let him know I still want him and miss his not being able to be involved. And then I recognize it as a moments lapse on his part and will discuss it with him if he brings it up later. I do sense some remorse or realization he cant control his urges and I hope this will eventually lead to him visiting his doctor and getting honest.
Hope is fragile though isnt it.
I think its best not to react too strongly or pull away exactly. Only recognize the behavior and do my best to enforce my boundary, and let him know I still want him and miss his not being able to be involved. And then I recognize it as a moments lapse on his part and will discuss it with him if he brings it up later. I do sense some remorse or realization he cant control his urges and I hope this will eventually lead to him visiting his doctor and getting honest.
Hope is fragile though isnt it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
What you choose to do for you is one thing,
but keeping a child in a household with an active cross-addicted alcoholic is questionable.
The child has no choice.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and no, it didn't get better.
You can't love them clean and sober, and meanwhile, your child
deals with the fallout of his using, and your tension and anger around his using.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, and I wish you and your family the best,
but please bear in mind you are making choices that will have lifelong impact
on your daughter, including her choice of mate, her way of coping,
and her understanding of personal boundary-keeping--
by this I mean you have to be so hyper-focused on "helping him" you neglect
yourself and dealing with you own justifiable anger and hurt.
This models a dynamic of one partner walking on eggs sacrificing themselves to keep
the other one "happy" or at least "managed". That isn't a healthy model to teach.
Have you considered finding a family therapist skilled in dealing with addiction
and sharing the situation with them?
Discussing the real life impact growing up with addiction has on kids
would be very helpful in your making the best choices long-term for your daughter.
Take care and I do hope things work out.
but keeping a child in a household with an active cross-addicted alcoholic is questionable.
The child has no choice.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and no, it didn't get better.
You can't love them clean and sober, and meanwhile, your child
deals with the fallout of his using, and your tension and anger around his using.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, and I wish you and your family the best,
but please bear in mind you are making choices that will have lifelong impact
on your daughter, including her choice of mate, her way of coping,
and her understanding of personal boundary-keeping--
by this I mean you have to be so hyper-focused on "helping him" you neglect
yourself and dealing with you own justifiable anger and hurt.
This models a dynamic of one partner walking on eggs sacrificing themselves to keep
the other one "happy" or at least "managed". That isn't a healthy model to teach.
Have you considered finding a family therapist skilled in dealing with addiction
and sharing the situation with them?
Discussing the real life impact growing up with addiction has on kids
would be very helpful in your making the best choices long-term for your daughter.
Take care and I do hope things work out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Planning activities with her like ice skating, a movie and pizza are things I try to schedule during times he would normally use.
i find that to be such a sad concept.....holding the kid out like bait....and then still allowing him to participate when he's drunk and/or high. it's also sad that you know the timetable to his using, but still call it a moment's LAPSE. dude is in full on ACTIVE addiction.....and you aren't CHANGING that. in fact, you are making it easier for him.....the boundaries are still low enough he can just stagger right over them.
i find that to be such a sad concept.....holding the kid out like bait....and then still allowing him to participate when he's drunk and/or high. it's also sad that you know the timetable to his using, but still call it a moment's LAPSE. dude is in full on ACTIVE addiction.....and you aren't CHANGING that. in fact, you are making it easier for him.....the boundaries are still low enough he can just stagger right over them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by AnonWife
We have a daughter together. He's a good dad but obviously limited when he's using. He enjoys family activities and loves to see her laugh and smile. Planning activities with her like ice skating, a movie and pizza are things I try to schedule during times he would normally use. Those are very frustrating moments for me when I smell alcohol or see his pinned eyes.
Heroin epidemic fuels spike in number of Manatee County children removed from their homes | Bradenton Herald
Not trying to condemn you here -- I stayed for years longer than I should have, even after being put at legal risk by my ex. But all it takes is one major screw-up on his part to change your and your daughter's life forever. Hope is a dangerous thing to rely on when the stakes are so high.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Caring for myself and my child are the top priorities. She is still very little and is thriving and happy. Smart allows me to decide whats in her best interest.
Maybe I took the comment wrong, but shes in no way a pawn or bait for him. Its only about scheduling family time, activities with him included in the plans. Time after work or on a weekend where he would burrow himself away in seclusion to drink or pill. Not heroin, no needles, prescribed by the doctor he works over to keep up his supply.
I feel like there is less walking on eggshells, less fricton, less tension in our home because of the way Im handling it.
My biggest issue is what I posted dealing witg my own emotions when I feel frustrated, angry,sad so I dont put this on him or subject my daughter to stress.
My goal is to do more to care for myself this year. Ive started with doctor checkups, have a full physical scheduled, think I will look for a therapist trained in addiction and Smart. Im reaching out online for additional ideas and support. Im open to learning and trying new things.
Thank you all for being concerned, especially for my daughter. My job is to protect, guide her, help her grow up healthy mentally and physically. I know this is my number 1 job.
We had a tough time even bringing her into this world and I know Im priveledged to be her mom.
Maybe I took the comment wrong, but shes in no way a pawn or bait for him. Its only about scheduling family time, activities with him included in the plans. Time after work or on a weekend where he would burrow himself away in seclusion to drink or pill. Not heroin, no needles, prescribed by the doctor he works over to keep up his supply.
I feel like there is less walking on eggshells, less fricton, less tension in our home because of the way Im handling it.
My biggest issue is what I posted dealing witg my own emotions when I feel frustrated, angry,sad so I dont put this on him or subject my daughter to stress.
My goal is to do more to care for myself this year. Ive started with doctor checkups, have a full physical scheduled, think I will look for a therapist trained in addiction and Smart. Im reaching out online for additional ideas and support. Im open to learning and trying new things.
Thank you all for being concerned, especially for my daughter. My job is to protect, guide her, help her grow up healthy mentally and physically. I know this is my number 1 job.
We had a tough time even bringing her into this world and I know Im priveledged to be her mom.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I believe I was given emotions for a reason. Ignoring my emotions gains me nothing, and as a matter of fact invalidation of my emotions leads to mental illness when I am no longer acting in my best interest or in the interest of my healthy survival. If I am angry - there's a reason. If I deny that, or try to stuff my emotions, I stop trusting myself and my ability to make good decisions.
AnonWife, trying to deny your healthy emotions around your husband's drug abuse is not healthy for you. There are no extra points for martyrdom.
AnonWife, trying to deny your healthy emotions around your husband's drug abuse is not healthy for you. There are no extra points for martyrdom.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
