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Moving On: please share your story

Old 05-31-2012, 04:01 PM
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Moving On: please share your story

Please use this post as a forum to share your stories of moving on- struggles and successes. I feel I have so much to learn about loving, letting go, grieving, and moving on with forgiveness and acceptance.

3 weeks of virtually no contact and I feel alive again. I feel empathy that he is having a very hard time with his feelings that his life is crumbling around him right now. He asked me once again through indirect communication if we could speak or meet up briefly when he passes thru town. I replied NO, absolutely not- and please read the letter I sent again for clarification. Any further attempt to find me or contact me will result in my attempt to get a restraining order. I expressed that my health is at stake by having any contact with him. Again- I said one year if and only if there is significant recovery progress and I will choose to contact him if I feel I am ready.

There is no turning back, finally. And the beauty that has poured into my life since walking away and detaching with love has been abundant. I am breathing new and fresh air. My feelings of attachment, yearning, and desperation are fading. Even the sadness is fading. I am left with hope, renewed strength, and love. I even have new love for him. He was my best teacher so far. I have faith that god will look after him. The only shakiness left is resonant of the transition through each step.

Now I see at the core of this dysfunction lies the dysfunction in my family of origin. Even that is changing as I am changing. For me, creating emotional stability, mending my heart, and nourishing my spirit are how I will maintain this new found sense of serenity. I have come so far with the loving support of so many here in SR and am excited to see what each day brings.
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:48 PM
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You sound like your recovery is well in place, may the road ahead be filled with blessings for you.

I had to move on when I could not take one more day living the life of fear. My "enough" just came and that was when I knew that moving forward could not be worse than staying the same.

My son was the one who chose no contact, I haven't heard from him in 8 years, but I pray for him each day. I think he knew that I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe it was his one final act of love because if I hadn't found recovery I am certain I might have died.

Hugs
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Old 05-31-2012, 07:18 PM
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Well, you've read my story (I believe). Moving on is a process. What's great about life these days is I'm living it on my terms. In hindsight, I was dealing with a very sick, promiscuous, deceitful, duplicitous and manipulative human being, And when she left, the clouds lifted.

But, what I wrestle with is how anyone can be that sadistic towards another human being. That's not how I'm wired. That's not how I was brought up to treat people. But, people being people, everyone's different. And one of the lessons I've learned the hard way is to never assume someone has the same values as you do until you see them in action. Because what you believe to be true and what's really the truth can be totally orthogonal to each other.

Those in active addiction are very sick people. My clinician, who is a social worker in a psychiatric unit and specializes in addiction, tells me only 10% of people that show up on the unit for drugs and alcohol get clean and find recovery. That is a pretty disheartening number. Would I date another addict again? No. My boundaries are a lot firmer than they were before, and I won't let myself "go there" again. Doesn't mean I don't want the best for them, or I don't care about them. It just means I'm putting my well-being first, and I can't compromise myself emotionally by dealing with a sick person.

I pray for my AXGF every night. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. But what I've learned, and what helps me the most, is there is a God. And my AXGF doesn't answer to me for her misdeeds. She answers to God, or whatever Higher Power she subscribes to. And whatever is meant to happen to her simply will.

Hope this helps.

ZoSo
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:52 AM
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Moving on for me right now looks like this.
I'm on a course called the Freedom Programme, it's about abusive men and their tactics, the effects, their beliefs and our beliefs which make us think their awful behaviour is ok. It's an amazing experience and I've also met a couple of really lovely people. I'm also on a self esteem course which is good too. I'm no contact with my ex, any contact has to be through my lawyer regarding our daughter but he's chosen not to bother seeing her.
After a 2 hour call with my sponsor last night, I'm starting to realise that everything he ever did to me, I just put it into a little box and nailed a lid on and threw it into the back of my mind just so I didn't have to feel it and so that I could get on with my day without having a breakdown. I know I've got a mega warehouse in the back of my mind now full of these boxes I need to deal with and I think the door to the warehouse is unlocked now if not trying to open. I know I need to find a counsellor to be prepared in case one of the lids flies off unexpectedly.. But I am already on 2 separate waiting lists through the DV project and the Rape Crisis Centre for my area. As they're both charities the counsellors are trained volunteers who specialise in DV and rape. Obviously the waiting lists are really really long but I think I need to make a few calls to check on my progress up the list. I'm terrified in case I accidentally light a match in this 'warehouse' or spark a chain reaction of lids spontaneously opening, because I know I can't deal with all this and it's going to turn me into a wreck if I don't have professional help. I've spent so long not feeling anything, he could do anything to me and I'd barely react. But now with no contact, plus I have moved into my new apartment and he doesn't know where we are, I am starting to thaw a bit I guess, I'm no longer waiting for the next crisis. I've never cried over the things he's done, I've always just thrown everything into a box and slammed it shut. Last night I cried during the call with my sponsor, she was talking about progression and how every incident gets worse and told me to remember what his face looks like while he's doing something awful.. And she was right, he obviously got a kick out of it. That was maybe the third time I have cried since I left in October.
This IS relevant to moving on by the way. I know I'm rambling. I need to deal with all this and forgive myself and let it go, stop allowing him to keep me stuck, in order to move past this and get on with my life. I know it's hard for some people, particularly men I think(?), to understand.. But in my situation with my experiences, I know it's necessary to actually deal with all of this in order to move on. That was probably a load of rubbish!

Last edited by Windmills; 06-01-2012 at 01:53 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:38 AM
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Moving on:
Let's see. When I finally came to see the light had alot to do with SR.Seeing all
the same tactics used on me ("You are the only one who hasn't given up on me!")
----described by others.The senior members quiet counsel that this codependency
illness can go on for DECADES if not checked.
In the end--a decision to be a human being and not an animal (ruled by sense
rather than biochemical/reactive emotion).
Do I still think of her? Yes.I am not perfect.But I am 99.99% sure her
opiate -destroyed life is solely in her hands.Nothing I do will make any difference
----and would only destroy me.
One thing is for SURE.It is becoming clearer and cleared that the further
that AWFUL 30 months receeds into the past
.....the better I feel!!!!!!!!
Vale.
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:51 AM
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Two days ago I signed a lease on the MOST AMAZING office for myself. It has 12' high white tin ceilings, a working fireplace, wooden floors and a gorgeous view of downtown.

A few days before that I was struggling...yet again sorting through the traumatizing negative affects of my latest "mini-slip" with the ex. I was with a friend who helped me through it and encouraged one of my final detaching actions...I realized that instead of going through and processing every detail of the slip...instead of defending against the assault of blame, shame, deflection and criticism...I could just let go, again.

So I did. For one thing it is just too embarrassing to have to process yet again...over and over, insanity style....to try to justify and/of deny the kind of character attacking, spiritually abusive garbage that the mechanisms of addiction were throwing at me.

So instead I directed my energy toward the next inventive, creative, progressive, development in my own life. I used my imagination toward my vocation and creative play. And? VOILA!!

This office space APPEARED...with just the tiniest amount of scratching the surface I not only have a simply and totally amazingly gorgeous space...it also is situated in the middle of the most fabulous wedding venue in my city...an amazing Italian Renaissance style 13,000 sg ft mansion. This means that I have a whole host of built in clientele and I become high profile in my field.

I am done dragging my emotions through the muck. I had to learn to quit doing it.

Every single time I have turned away life has shown up with truly amazing, beautiful, creative opportunities for me to grow and be happy and evolving and standing true and tall.

My friend (who encouraged my cell disconnect AND my imagination of an office...which turned then into an actual office in less than a week!) said, wow...some people get a tap on the shoulder and a smile when they are on the right path. I feel like I keep getting lightning bolts.

Of course he will be in my memory. And that is okay! But he will no longer belong in my personal space berating me to my face. I love myself and I am gently trusting in these beautiful opening doors, that all will be okay, and in fact life is waiting for me. My time will no longer be spent wrestling with a demon. My time will be spent appreciating and loving the blessings in my life.
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:07 PM
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What I've noticed is that everything is changing right now as a result of this new path I have chosen. The path of recovery, letting go, and moving on. Old relationships patterns are dying. Not just my intimate relationships but also mentor, family, and friend relationships, and even strangers. I feel my boundaries are clear and people receive me and approach me differently. But my imbalanced relationships are suffering with growing pains, changes, and drama. My family sees me as crazy now and too sensitive. I realize I have spent the majority of my life trying to please others, appease others, and NO just was not in my vocabulary. I feel more grounded in who I am now that I am not trying to satisfy others needs before my own. I have never really moved on from anything. I have always held on to the drama. I realize that no drama does not equal boring. I was always afraid of boring. Now I realize, all of the things I had been seeking outside of myself exist within. Getting honest with oneself is challenging. It is powerful to be honest about what I desire, want, need, hope for, etc. I can differentiate more clearly what is and is not serving me in a healthy way.
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:27 PM
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it sounds to me like you are in the process of INDIVIDUATION! as you become more fully engaged with your self/spirit/life and become whole...it may well be that those people who have shared unhealthy boundaries with you will resent the change.

remember that great slogan: "it's not my business what other people think of me"

this is the "grateful" part of my recovery! that in detaching with love from a horrible addiction/codependency we grow and become whole! we gain perspective and compassion! so awesome, so glad you are experiencing this growth and freedom!!

I know your broken wing is going to get re-set and am-mended (we do make amends to ourselves you know!) and that dark blue sky is going to have some brilliant light shining in it! XOXO
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Old 06-01-2012, 04:40 PM
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I'm so sorry for your pain, but glad to hear you are healing.

It took 7 months for me to realize that I shouldn't respond/contact. I read and read everything I can on this site and it all finally just sunk in. I accepted that I coulnt change his mind. That he was an addict and that there was NO rationalizing. Disappointment after disappointment left me colder and colder. Its nice to hear you have empathy...I have none. He has hurt me and my son so badly I don't think I can ever forgive unless he proves himself otherwise. I would cry to and from work. I would obsess about it all day, but something clicked. I want peace and happiness. I think I was honest with myself and let myself feel, which lead to healing. I accepted everything, and moved on. I am lonely and battle with some minor depression and anxiety, but I'm finding ways to help with that...yoga, st. Johns wort and walerium tea! I have realized I don't need him to be happy. I don't need him to have a family. That a drug addict should not be in our life. It is sad. Every holiday I feel sorry for him that he is missing out and just angry that he chose drugs and whores over his family. He never grew up. I worry about my son and his future. But, this whole situation has been such a positive learning experience for me. I have awknowledged and dealt with my anger. I have become more patient. I have realized that life isn't perfect, but its how you come out of the bad times. I have more empathy for people and children who are going thru rough periods in their life. I actually feel more warmth, love and kindness towards others. And my son. My son saved me. He is my sun. Everything I do and everything I am is for him. Life is too beautiful. We don't need to deal with the pain and craziness of an addict. Good luck to all.
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Old 06-01-2012, 06:39 PM
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I love this post that your son saved you. I have three children from a previous marriage and I now realize howm much pain this caused them to see their mom so completely consumed with a spouse that was clearly in need of help and I was always making excuses for him. I have along way to go in my recovery and everyday is a challenge but they make me see there is so much out there for all of us and I need to let go and move on. I haven't really been ther for them even though I was home I wasn't present and I feel so guilty for that it was selfish of me. I love them more ten anything in the world and I want peace and serenity for all of us . Life is too short and I missed so much these last seven years , I even lost myself.
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Old 06-02-2012, 12:30 AM
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remember that great slogan: "it's not my business what other people think of me"

Thank you for that post I am discovering that now that I am working on me my one family member who I always use to call has been a bit distant and when we do talk has been negative. Possibly because now my calls are to see how they are and not about me needing them? Things sure change when we work on ourselves.
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Old 06-02-2012, 07:22 AM
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remember that great slogan: "it's not my business what other people think of me"
One of my favorite quotes of all time.
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by story74 View Post
I'm so sorry for your pain, but glad to hear you are healing.

It took 7 months for me to realize that I shouldn't respond/contact. I read and read everything I can on this site and it all finally just sunk in. I accepted that I coulnt change his mind. That he was an addict and that there was NO rationalizing. Disappointment after disappointment left me colder and colder. Its nice to hear you have empathy...I have none. He has hurt me and my son so badly I don't think I can ever forgive unless he proves himself otherwise. I would cry to and from work. I would obsess about it all day, but something clicked. I want peace and happiness. I think I was honest with myself and let myself feel, which lead to healing. I accepted everything, and moved on. I am lonely and battle with some minor depression and anxiety, but I'm finding ways to help with that...yoga, st. Johns wort and walerium tea! I have realized I don't need him to be happy. I don't need him to have a family. That a drug addict should not be in our life. It is sad. Every holiday I feel sorry for him that he is missing out and just angry that he chose drugs and whores over his family. He never grew up. I worry about my son and his future. But, this whole situation has been such a positive learning experience for me. I have awknowledged and dealt with my anger. I have become more patient. I have realized that life isn't perfect, but its how you come out of the bad times. I have more empathy for people and children who are going thru rough periods in their life. I actually feel more warmth, love and kindness towards others. And my son. My son saved me. He is my sun. Everything I do and everything I am is for him. Life is too beautiful. We don't need to deal with the pain and craziness of an addict. Good luck to all.
...Story74:Seldom do I see such a concise,on the nose description of what we go/went through..
----ESPECIALLY:
Disappointment after disappointment left me colder and colder. Its nice to hear you have empathy...I have none.

Thank You Story74!
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Endofline View Post
I love this post that your son saved you. I have three children from a previous marriage and I now realize howm much pain this caused them to see their mom so completely consumed with a spouse that was clearly in need of help and I was always making excuses for him. I have along way to go in my recovery and everyday is a challenge but they make me see there is so much out there for all of us and I need to let go and move on. I haven't really been ther for them even though I was home I wasn't present and I feel so guilty for that it was selfish of me. I love them more ten anything in the world and I want peace and serenity for all of us . Life is too short and I missed so much these last seven years , I even lost myself.
Another keeper!! (Thanks,Endofline)
Life IS too short....and WE DID LOSE SO MUCH. If there was one thing that
stood out above ALL things---> No matter WHAT happened to you that day,
IT DIDN'T MATTER!! You friend was killed in an accident? You don't even get
an acknowledgement!!!
What a fool I was to give this person ANY of my time and care.
Folks,never forget the six rules of dealing with an addict:

1.ME
2.ME
3.ME
4.NOW
5.NOW
6.NOW
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Old 06-02-2012, 10:33 AM
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I was with. Man who helped me raise my daughter since she was only a few months old for two years a perfect relationship... until he started using then I went thru aother whole year of bad abuse physical amd mental abuse really bad until one day it got to much called the cops he went o jail for one night.. I picked him up in the moring. Cuz noone else could dropped him off and. That was it.... I felt physically sick this man was my addiction he was evedrything to me but for a month I was a wreck then he got a little better and now this month its been a year... bout 6 months ago in jan he finally contcted me and I saw him a few times... he was my friend but feelings were still there and he wanted me and I wnated him but he had not changed still using still not trusting and angry so I told him no we can't eventry as friends.. he wanted to try as friends and regain what we had and I cudnt he was already pulling me back down into depression.. now we don't talk at all .... I texted him the other night and told him I forgave him for all the bad stuff and that I wanted to be forgiven and I was sorry for the things I did but he just said something mean so obv he isn't ready.. but I wanted him to know I finally forgave him and I can share my story without being so sad... yes of course I will always love him buts its different at times I miss and want him and prob will always just like ay addiction... but all I can say is as time goes on and u learn to forgive and let go it gets better.. I joine3d a bowling league to meet ppl and get out of the house and I'm still doing it.. find something u can do to get ur mind of it... this month marks a year and were celebrating :]


Good luc and just remeber time really does heal all wounds
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Old 07-05-2012, 06:18 PM
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Thank you for sharing!
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:52 PM
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I, too, am learning. 3 weeks is a great beginning...keep at it and stay strong. As for me, it has been almost 3 months that I have gone "no contact" with my addicted brother. I feel lighter, happier, more focused on my own children and husband, and I can sleep now. In the back of my mind, I worry about him, sure. I hope and pray he is ok and that he will find recovery. But it is SUCH A RELIEF to not be involved in the drama, the chaos, the BS. It feels great. You will find so much freedom in letting go. So, so much freedom. Congratulations! You should commend yourself and reward yourself.

I too owe my own progress to the people on this board and their support.
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