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Old 03-13-2012, 09:14 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Yez, dear, he is wearing you down.

I think you need to tell your family and to move your babies back to New York.

You are too alone and everyone here can tell you, you can lose your mind if you have to deal with an addict all alone.

The best thing for you is to surround yourself with people who will love and protect you and your children.

Please consider calling your family again. Have them come and get you and your children. Your children and you are in such grave circumstances.

Everyone here knows how fragile you are. We know.

Cocaine makes people very powerful and ruthless.

Please call your family. This is too much for you alone and your children need security.

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. The children must come first.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
Don't give up hope; just be practical dealing with the here and now.
This is an important point.... many of us desperately want to cling to the vision of what he USED TO BE or what HE COULD BE if only.... This is dangerous thinking. Dangerous because it's an illusion. It's a dream of what could be, or a memory of what once was. This is the trap we fall into and what causes misery for many of us. It is SO important to stay rooted in the reality of WHAT IS. Acceptance of your reality (and his) is the key to the chains that bind you in confusion. If you take away all the promises and the flowery words, what are the actions you see? What has he DONE (not said) to prove that he is ready kick these drugs and to be a good father and husband?

These two articles have been very helpful to me, personally:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
I am Quitting Drugs and Alcohol For Good this Time – 10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap
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Old 03-14-2012, 06:39 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I was going to call them today. I just don't know how we can afford another move. All are furniture and things are here...
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post


He says that if we were closer and communicated more maybe it would help.
Where's that BS flag?

He's manipulating you. He wants you to believe you caused this, can control this and even cure this. Just a HUGE load of poop.
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post

I know he will call soon and I am dreading it but I will be strong and finally stand my ground. I am so afraid of how he will react even though he is all the way in NY I am still afraid.
Don't answer the phone and change your phone number.
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:25 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I am getting a new phone. The one I currently have was given to us by his Mother and she was paying for it since we couldn't afford. She keeps trying to make me give him more chanes. I don't think she understands how bad its been. But he is with her now so maybe she finally will. Anyway I am mailing the phone back to her as soon as I have my new one.
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
I am getting a new phone. The one I currently have was given to us by his Mother and she was paying for it since we couldn't afford. She keeps trying to make me give him more chanes. I don't think she understands how bad its been. But he is with her now so maybe she finally will. Anyway I am mailing the phone back to her as soon as I have my new one.
It's common stuff for families to impose the burden of keeping their adult child clean and sober on the spouce. It's easier than accepting that their adult child is a dope fiend.
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Old 03-14-2012, 09:02 AM
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My husband's DOC is also cocaine. I understand and sympathize with you like you wouldn't believe. He is currently in rehab and he actually asked to go. So, we'll see. Regardless, my children are priority #1 and he knows the boundaries I have put in place. They are non negotiable. In the meantime, I am working my own program and getting stronger and healthier everyday! PLEASE do the same. It will change your life!
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Old 03-14-2012, 09:51 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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It is very hard to sort things out, make plans, when we are crumbling beneath the manipulations of an addict.

If you call your family, let them help you solve the practical problems of moving and money. Your sisters will be there for you. They will all be there for you, they have demonstrated this in the past.

It is all right to be wounded and confused and overwhelmed. This is the normal outcome of being the spouse of a cocaine addict. And although you are a strong, hard-working, devoted mother of three and there is no question you are a survivor, in this time right now, you need help. Major help.

As was said earlier, take care of practical issues of security. When that is accomplished, time and God will determine the future of your life with your husband. Build a solid foundation under you and your children right now, one that will hold you through anything to come.

You do not need to make any decisions about your marriage right now or at any time in the near future. That can wait. I would for now take a break from communication with your AH and his mother or anyone associated with him. You do not have to justify it. Just say, "I am taking a break to clear my head." No long discussions or justifying. Say it and be done. Mail the phone back. Don't share the number of your new one. Block emails.

Then concentrate on making a concrete foundation of security--emotional, mental, physical, spiritual--for your children, with your family's help. That done, you can eventually return to the issue of the marriage to a coke addict.

I hope so much that the call today to your family puts something in motion for your children's greater good.
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Old 03-14-2012, 10:08 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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You words are so good to hear and are giving me so much courage. Thank you EnglishGarden.
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Old 03-14-2012, 12:24 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
You do not need to make any decisions about your marriage right now or at any time in the near future. That can wait. I would for now take a break from communication with your AH and his mother or anyone associated with him. You do not have to justify it. Just say, "I am taking a break to clear my head." No long discussions or justifying. Say it and be done. Mail the phone back. Don't share the number of your new one. Block emails.

Then concentrate on making a concrete foundation of security--emotional, mental, physical, spiritual--for your children, with your family's help. That done, you can eventually return to the issue of the marriage to a coke addict.

I hope so much that the call today to your family puts something in motion for your children's greater good.
Beautifully written English Garden. And it is exactly the advice my counselor gave me.......you don't have to make any decisions about your marriage now or anytime in the near future. It's a relief to realize that's truth. Hugs to you sweet Yez! We are all here for you!
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:40 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Morning Everyone, I finally got the courage to speak to my family last night. So far it went better than expected and they are supportive and behind me. That gives me strength and hope. On the flip side, I haven't heard from my husband since Monday. This of course can only mean one thing to me, that he is using and disappeared. But his parents haven't contacted me to let me know if this is true or not. I am fighting the incredible urge to call and find out. Old habit of HAVING TO KNOW where he is and how he is doing at all times. But what if something bad has happened? What is the right thing to do here?
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:59 AM
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Gosh. This is a tough one because of course you are worried. However, surely if something bad had happened his parents would have contacted you, you know? Would his parents tell you if he was using and had disappeared? I hope he's not on his way back down to bother you again? Looks like I'm not really helping....I'm sorry! I can say for sure that hearing about your family being supportive is wonderful news! That is a great relief to you I am sure! Just know we care and are supportive of you whatever you decide to do!
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Old 03-15-2012, 07:06 AM
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He doesn't have the money to come back unless he took it. I hope his parents would contact me. If she is blaming me for this I don't know...
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Old 03-15-2012, 11:51 AM
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When people stop rescuing addicts, Yez, addicts have a chance to get better.

Enabling addicts includes checking up on them to see if they are all right, if they need anything (money, food, shelter, a shoulder to cry on).

How are your children today? As best you can, mother them instead of him. It's hard, we all know it's hard. But it will be the right thing to do.
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Old 03-15-2012, 11:57 AM
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I joined today on my first day in along time without a drink. You sound like a good woman. I had one also but chose alcohol over her. Kinda sick.
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Old 03-15-2012, 12:57 PM
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I didn't answer his texts or email. I am going to fight this urge with all I have. My kids are doing very well, thanks for asking EnglishGarden. I am doing all I can to keep them happy and healthy and just have a normal life.
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Old 03-15-2012, 01:43 PM
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Yez, I would like to suggest that you block his number from your cell phone, and also block his email address from delivering to your in-box. If an urgent matter comes up, his parents and your family know how to reach you. It's perfectly okay for you to go "no contact". I didn't understand that for a long time.
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Old 03-15-2012, 01:54 PM
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knowing that you do not have to make a black and white decision TODAY is a great relief isn't it?

how about this too...

you do not have to worry what anyone else thinks of you...him, his parents, etc.
give yourself a break from this, I know for me there was a layer of fear and hurt that had to do with the idea of my own character being betrayed...that I would be misrepresented by my ex to his family and our common friends.

just breathe in, keep doing the next right thing for you and your children.
you are a sober woman in a very difficult situation doing the best you can, including reaching out for help and support...BRAVO!
there are a lot of people keeping you in their prayers

remember...your future is spotless, including this very next moment
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Old 03-15-2012, 02:00 PM
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I am so glad I found this place. You can't imagine how your words help me! And make me feel like maybe I am not a failure and am a good person.
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