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Old 03-13-2012, 01:38 PM
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Confused

I originally posted to Newcomers to Recovery someone helpful told me this would be a good place for me. Sorry for the rambling:

I am new here and rather nervous. I have been married for 8 years and together for 10 with my husband. We have three beautiful children, 6, 4 and 1. For the past three years my husband has been addicted to cocaine. It began slowly and started I think because of all the money problems we had. In this span of four years we lost a restaurant, a home and went bankrupt. Because of this we moved to NC for a new start. We got pregnant with my 1 year old there so I couldn't work right off. He started to disappear for days at a time, sold our things and took our money. Because I was not working at the time it made it all so much worse. After I had the baby he swore to me he would stop and everything would be okay. It didn't of course. I was so scared, I had never dealt with this before so I called my family and they took over. They came and got me and my kids and took us back to NY. For the 6 months I was away from him he called me constantly, begging me to return. Saying he would die without me. I loved him so much and was so scared that I went back against my families wishes. We moved to Florida for a fresh start. I got a job, the kids were settled in school and daycare and I was waiting for him to get a job as well. We have been here a year, no job and he started using again. He has stolen from me, sold his wedding ring, which I still can't forgive him for. The latest was he used up all of our tax return that we needed so badly. He came home a mess and the kids saw him like that! I told him that was the end and told him to leave. He pleaded and cried but I stayed firm. We have no money for him to go to a good rehab place and he says the state ones are terrible. So he left for NY to stay with his parents. I told him he is not allowed to see the kids unless he is clean and has had treatment. The calls started again, he wants to come back to do an outpatient program here, which means he would have to come back home. I am so scared of this. Part of me wants him back, but the other just wants this over. I keep telling him no but he keeps calling and texting and emailing me. He says that this is the only way it will really work, if he is here with his family. And his parents will pay for it. I haven't told all of my family yet, just two sisters and they want him out of my life of course. I just don't know what to do anymore. My 6 year old son is so angry and sad all the time. He wants his dad back. I told him he was sick and had to be away for a while. I am just so confused and tired. I have three babies to care for, work and bills that are taking over everything. I am sorry if I am rambling I just don't know what to do.
If anyone has some insight or anything please let me know.
Thank you
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Old 03-13-2012, 01:54 PM
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I suspect he's been messing around with drugs a lot longer than he has let on.

Addicts are not competent to parent. Absolutely nothing good can come of exposing your children to anyone in active addiction/early recovery.

Maybe down the road when he has 1-2 years clean time, is employed, paying child support, has his own car and is paying for insurance...stuff that adults do.....he will have earned his way back into his children's lives.

Absolutely no reason for you to feel any shame about his choices.
You did not cause this.
You canot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Ask your family for help.
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:02 PM
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I feel that is true most of the time. But he tells me that if he isn't with me when he comes back after the treatment he has a bigger chance of relaps because he wasn't at home. I feel so foolish and weak even saying this but when he talks to me he is so convincing I doubt everyhing I decide on.
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:28 PM
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Don't buy his excuses. Addicts are very convincing. Let him get help where he is now. Let him prove himself to you. If he comes home, it'll be too easy for him to fall back into his old habits and you'll be stuck in a worse place than you were before.
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:38 PM
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That is what I feel too. I have to be stronger when I speak to him and not let him intimidate me.
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:50 PM
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Yez5

I'm sure your husband does miss you and his children*
And I understand your thoughts that he might have a more successful treatment if he were at home with you for love and support. *But you were all home with him when he was using before; it didn't make him stop did it?

I think you really need to make your decision based on what you really feel is best for you and your 3 children.

If he comes home right now, there are many uncertainties about his future. *Will he really start the program, will he finish it? *What happens if he doesn't? *What will he do after the program ends? You and the kids dont want to be back to square one.

Your husband has to make his own decision to end his drug use; but since you and the kids are a huge part of his life; *returning home healthy to you and the kids I would think to be a huge incentive.*

Stand your ground; once he completes treatment and shows signs of real change - then talk about reconciliation.*
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Old 03-13-2012, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
I feel that is true most of the time. But he tells me that if he isn't with me when he comes back after the treatment he has a bigger chance of relaps because he wasn't at home. I feel so foolish and weak even saying this but when he talks to me he is so convincing I doubt everyhing I decide on.
Hello...

I hope that you recognize how manipulative his words are. It's transparent.

May I suggest reading the sticky note "What Addicts Do". After you read it, read it again. Because it's true.

Please be safe.

ZoSo
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Old 03-13-2012, 03:56 PM
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Welcome, Yez. Take a read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you will gain a lot of knowledge that may be helpful in making up your mind.

I agree with others here, let his actions guide you, words mean nothing. The Salvation Army has a free program that is very good. Most programs are about as good as the willingness of the resident to work at it. If he wants sobriety he will get it. Having you near has nothing to do with his choice to use drugs or not. Nothing we do or don't do controls that, if love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

You have children to care for, that alone should help you decide. Whatever you decide, please know we're walking with you here.

Hugs
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Old 03-13-2012, 05:14 PM
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I just don't see how you could possibly have it in you to deal with one more 'child'....because that's how he's acting. It's ALL about him and what HE needs! If he were capable of helping YOU in any way, he would have done it long ago. You are spread so thin, I just don't believe you can take any chances.

If his calls & emails are so troublesome, it may be time to consider 'going no contact' until his actions (in NY!) start to match up with his words. (He can get treatment there just as easily as in FL.) And you may just have the peace and quiet you need to make the right decisions for you and your children. When our afflicted ones keep at us...begging, crying, pleading....it is impossible to see things clearly. You must have some space! Really, he knows your boundaries are weak...and getting weaker... just TRY going no contact and see if it helps.
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Old 03-13-2012, 05:16 PM
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I'm so sorry Yez, this is a terrible path for you and your children to have to go down. It's my son who's the addict, I've done anything and everything I thought would help for 15 years - anything that might make a difference for him. Many thousands of dollars have been spent, promises made, lies believed - and tonight, 15 years later, he is sitting in jail for stealing money to buy drugs. Your husband will clean up only when he's ready to - regardless of what you do or don't do. Please take care of yourself and your children. Prayers for you.
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Old 03-13-2012, 06:51 PM
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Thank you all so much for all of the support. I have felt alone and lost for so long. Just reading your words helps me see that there is a posibility to find some peace in my life again. I know he will call soon and I am dreading it but I will be strong and finally stand my ground. I am so afraid of how he will react even though he is all the way in NY I am still afraid. How pathetic is that. But I have to be strong for my babies I know. I just have to get passed this step. I have to.
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Old 03-13-2012, 07:37 PM
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I think he needs to focus on himself and recovery.

You need to focus on your kids and yourself.

He won't love anyone until he gets over his addiction and loves himself first.

Good luck and stay strong, but he's an anchor right now.
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Old 03-13-2012, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
Thank you all so much for all of the support. I have felt alone and lost for so long. Just reading your words helps me see that there is a posibility to find some peace in my life again. I know he will call soon and I am dreading it but I will be strong and finally stand my ground. I am so afraid of how he will react even though he is all the way in NY I am still afraid. How pathetic is that. But I have to be strong for my babies I know. I just have to get passed this step. I have to.

Did he have a bad temper, or was he ever violent while using the cocaine?
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:04 PM
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He was never violent. Just cruel with his words. He would be himself for small moments and then this stranger would appera and nothing I do or did would be good enough. Kids are too loud, food taste strange, house is too disorganised... I work all day and then pick up the kids and feed them, clean them, homework, bedtime... But I don't give him the attention he needs. He says that if we were closer and communicated more maybe it would help.
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:22 PM
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However much he weighs....that is the size of the rock you are carrying on your back.

While he is in NY, the rock is not weighing you down.

Everytime you take his calls and listen to his pleading, you are contemplating strapping that rock on your back again. Visualize actually holding the rope in your hands, beginning to tie the rock around your arms and torso, to begin carrying it on your back yet again.

He became the rock you carry when you discovered his addiction.
He became the rock you carry when he chose not to work, not to be a proper father, a proper husband.
He became the rock you carry when he pawned your belongings and used money needed for food, clothing and shelter for you and your children.

You and you alone hold the key to not strapping that rock on your back again.
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
He was never violent. Just cruel with his words. He would be himself for small moments and then this stranger would appera and nothing I do or did would be good enough. Kids are too loud, food taste strange, house is too disorganised... I work all day and then pick up the kids and feed them, clean them, homework, bedtime... But I don't give him the attention he needs. He says that if we were closer and communicated more maybe it would help.
Just keep in mind all those words were caused by his addiction.
My BF is recovering from a cocaine addiction too. From what I understand it can cause sort of like hyper activity,impulsive actions, irritability, restlessness, anxiety among other things..I'm sure other drugs are similar but it helped me to understand what affect it has.

Someone will likely come along and say his behavior without drugs may have just been that way; possibly true - only you know that.

Stay strong; have faith; you will be okay.
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:38 PM
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Before all this ugliness he was wonderful. Someone I thought I would grow old with. That is what is so painful too. The fear that the man I once loved and trusted completely has thrown that all away.
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:52 PM
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yez5, consider changing your phone numbers and email address. That's one easy way to free yourself. It's time for you to call the shots, not him. And if you want to return to your family in NY, you can choose to do that too. It's your turn to think of you and your children.
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by yez5 View Post
Before all this ugliness he was wonderful. Someone I thought I would grow old with. That is what is so painful too. The fear that the man I once loved and trusted completely has thrown that all away.
He probably realizes this too; my BF was aware of all he was losing while he was using ( sorry didn't mean to rhime) but he still couldnt stop; the pull of the drug was stronger. But then one day something clicked' it's not been an easy road but he is recovering. Don't give up hope; just be practical dealing with the here and now.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:12 PM
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Using drugs is not a good enough excuse for bad behavior, kicking isn’t either, nor is being out of drugs…
Actually there is no excuse good enough at all.

Do not make excuses for his behavior, accept that this is how he is now, and what the future holds you have no idea about.

Addiction is a progressive disease, if he doesn’t stop using he will get worse…

Also the happy times of the past are a trap and a fantasy now, stay away from them too as it won’t help you now because now is different. The past is part of the problem and a future should contain nothing but change.

Take good care of you, make the kids rule it all, their happiness their safety.
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