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Old 01-22-2012, 05:51 PM
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First Post

Hello...

This is my first post, and I really don't know where to start. I guess I first have to admit I'm in a lot of pain.

Eleven days ago, the addict in my life suddenly, and sadistically, ended our relationship via text message, attaching a photo of her and her new boyfriend in the process. She has not picked up in 10 months, to the best of my knowledge, although she has lied about a lot of things over the past year. 2011 was a nightmare.

I am in Al Anon, which is a tremendous source of support. I have been practicing a lot of its principles, especially detaching with love. But this is a blow I didn't expect and I'm having a lot of difficulty processing it. So, I guess I'm looking for support from people who have been through similar experiences.

Zoso77
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Old 01-22-2012, 06:22 PM
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(((Zoso))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here. I'm glad you are going to al-anon, SR is a great place to add experience, strength and hope. There are "stickies" which are posts at the top of the forum that have a lot of good info, and when I first came here, I read a lot of other posts...helped me to realize I'm not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-22-2012, 06:47 PM
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Hey Zoso:

Sorry that you're in pain, but you've definitely come to the right place.
You mentioned you are working on detachment with love...so am I. You are not alone. Whether it be a boyfriend, spouse, parent, adult/teenage child...it doesn't matter, chemical/alcohol addictions play out all the same.

I remember when I first came here, I was in such a dark place. I sat in my dark place for over a year, trying to deal with it all. This forum is what helped me to start climbing out, whenever I would read stories similar to mine. And you WILL hear a lot of that, with a lot of good support to go along with it.

Sometimes, I couldn't even post, because I was afraid that if I'd post, I'd feel the pain again. However, I am learing that sharing is freeing.

I read and re-read a lot of the stickies up on the top. I still go back and read them when I'm having a particular problem that I stumble back into.

Congratulations for taking your first step...it's a journey to wellness,
Huggs,
Hope
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:58 AM
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Welcome to SR. This is a great forum and you'll find many people who have dealt with similar situations.

Glad to hear that you're in Al-anon and getting support there. The tools you are gaining will help you through this.

There is no doubt that a break up via text with attached pic of the new boyfriend was particularly cruel. But sometimes it's those cruel actions that make moving on a wee bit easier.

I'm sorry your heart is hurting.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
She's acting like a jerk and it may not have a thing to do with addiction and more with just lacking in character. Have you thought about blocking her from being able to communicate with you at all? This includes either blocking her phone or changing your number, automatically forwarding her emails to the recycle bin without reading them, removing her as a contact on any social networking site, not allowing mutual acquaintances to talk about or tell you things about her, and no longer frequenting places you know she will be.
Well, she's also dual diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder), so that sort of cruelty could be classified as devaluation (as opposed to idealization). I've blocked her number, blocked known phone numbers associated with her, blocked her on Google chat, etc.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Welcome to SR. This is a great forum and you'll find many people who have dealt with similar situations.

Glad to hear that you're in Al-anon and getting support there. The tools you are gaining will help you through this.

There is no doubt that a break up via text with attached pic of the new boyfriend was particularly cruel. But sometimes it's those cruel actions that make moving on a wee bit easier.

I'm sorry your heart is hurting.

gentle hugs
ke
I took her in when she had no where else to go and supported her through two detoxes, an overdose, and a lot of self-indulgent behavior before finding my way into Al Anon. Through Al Anon, I realized that I had enabled her quite a bit and had become part of the problem. It was during this time we weren't together, but a month after I started Al Anon, she wanted to reconcile.

So, we did, but despite her saying she was trying to change, she was still susceptible to self pity, self absorption, suicidal ideation, etc. Only this time I didn't bite. Six months ago, I would have taken her out to eat if she hadn't eaten in two days. I stopped doing that. I stopped enabling her to be helpless. And then, out of the blue, she dumps me via text message and confesses she slept with two other men while living with me. And she took sick pleasure in telling me, too. It was sadistic.She said that when she was with me, she had no grace or dignity, and now she does.

She's dual diagnosis (addiction and Borderline Personality Disorder). I've read a lot about the latter, and Ann's sticky note about addiction drove home that my ex is not a well person. I don't want her back in my life at all. I was willing to tolerate the mental health/addiction stuff as long as she was working her program. She's not.

I've been warned she may try to contact me again. I want nothing to do with her. I just want to mourn in peace and move forward.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:13 AM
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This is JMO...i was diagnosed with BPD in my 20s. Now 49, sober for a good many years, now in the program and considerably mellowed out. I look back on myself in this period, and the way I am now, and I almost don't reognize that person. Borderlines tend to mellow with age, and I wouldnt relive my 20s for any amount of money.

My heart goes out to you, and to her, too. Despite her cruel act of sending you that photo, she is in a lot of pain--pain that you can't ease, and that she will drag you into.

Sounds like you're getting very wise advice here. Might I add: Please take care of yourself first. You cannot help her.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:14 AM
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Just read your last post. Sounds like you are on the path to healing.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post

I've been warned she may try to contact me again. I want nothing to do with her. I just want to mourn in peace and move forward.
My daughter has "emerging' BPD and I know what you have been dealing with in this relationship. Bless your heart for being so supportive through all that sh*t!!! Your plan to block her and move on with your life is absolutely the path to healing for you, although it most certainly WILL be painful. Going "no contact" is the shortest route to serenity. Having contact would only fan the flames of the drama she is creating, and you know how that will go...

Keep doing what you're doing. We are here to support you. (((Hugs)))
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
My daughter has "emerging' BPD and I know what you have been dealing with in this relationship. Bless your heart for being so supportive through all that sh*t!!! Your plan to block her and move on with your life is absolutely the path to healing for you, although it most certainly WILL be painful. Going "no contact" is the shortest route to serenity. Having contact would only fan the flames of the drama she is creating, and you know how that will go...

Keep doing what you're doing. We are here to support you. (((Hugs)))
I've read that 50% of those afflicted with BPD also have substance abuse issues. It's an explosive mix. And I seriously underestimated her potential to be vicious and sadistic. See, nothing is ever her fault. It's always mine. And when she takes responsibility for something, she's not sincere about it. When she says she's trying to change, working her program, I don't see how what she pulled is working her program. Frankly, I'm grossed out by her now.

I once heard in Al Anon that you can't fight anger with anger, or fight hate with hate. You can only fight those with love. Right now, I'm working on compassion for her. Because she's very truly sick. It doesn't mean I want her back. It's doesn't mean I'm OK with what she did. I'm really done with her act. But I believe that by showing compassion, it will help me heal as time goes on. Whatever HP she answers to can deal with her act. I'm done.
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:07 AM
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Zoso

just sending you some support. there can be anger at what and how she did what she did, then there can be something opposite seeing that for someone to do that, they must be in some pain themselves. riding some honeymoon phase and i would venture to guess that this new 'great' relationship is going to come crashing down not too far down the line. so, the further away you are the better. you seem to have a good idea of what is going on and how to protect yourself. it really sucks to have helped someone so much and then get slapped in the face for it, but like you and others have said, it is best to move on. it is very VERY likely she will contact you if/when things go wrong. hopefully by then you will have moved on and will not get sucked back in to the drama.

now on another note-

as soon as i saw the your name- four sticks popped in my head. recently that one has helped me through some bad times. and when the levee breaks. battle of of evermore.

good luck man
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post
Zoso

just sending you some support. there can be anger at what and how she did what she did, then there can be something opposite seeing that for someone to do that, they must be in some pain themselves. riding some honeymoon phase and i would venture to guess that this new 'great' relationship is going to come crashing down not too far down the line. so, the further away you are the better. you seem to have a good idea of what is going on and how to protect yourself. it really sucks to have helped someone so much and then get slapped in the face for it, but like you and others have said, it is best to move on. it is very VERY likely she will contact you if/when things go wrong. hopefully by then you will have moved on and will not get sucked back in to the drama.

now on another note-

as soon as i saw the your name- four sticks popped in my head. recently that one has helped me through some bad times. and when the levee breaks. battle of of evermore.

good luck man
Thank you for the kind words. And while I do love the fourth album, Physical Graffiti is my fave.

The anger and the pain are like a see saw. But what makes it easier to deal with is, for me, there is no going back. For her to take pleasure in cutting me down as far as she could after a very strong, good faith effort on my part to support her means whatever we had is unsalvageable. And from what I've read here thus far, I think whatever we had was contingent on what she wanted from me rather than a mature, loving relationship.

We can have compassion for people, and we can forgive people, but I'm not tolerating that level of abuse from anyone.
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Old 01-23-2012, 12:15 PM
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ten years gone has been my fav from that lp. well, basically just about every song from every album is a favorite.

from my experience, looking back, the part where i continued to fall, was forgetting the anger and pain i dealt with and excusing her behavior for one reason or another.

And from what I've read here thus far, I think whatever we had was contingent on what she wanted from me rather than a mature, loving relationship.

this is what keep me hooked for so long. sometimes i knew for certain is was all about what she wanted, but i kept myself involved because i believed there was that loving relationship underneath. i think you are doing what is best for you and hope you find something nice.

how long were you guys together? was she an active user when you met her?

and without working a program i would be suspect of her being 10 months clean. and the kicker of all though is that while with you, she cheated, at least twice, breaks up via text with a photo sent to meet your ire, but SHE has dignity and grace?!?! sounds like what my gf would have done a few years back.
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Old 01-23-2012, 12:45 PM
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Steve --

She was using when we met, albeit "responsibly" since she needed to be on pain medication due to a serious medical condition. She had surgery and had to be weaned off those meds in the hospital. A week after that, I discovered she was using more than the prescribed amount. Like 100 pills in two days. I brought her back to the hospital to detox. But that wasn't the end of it. She also had Fentanyl patches, and two months after her detox, she orally ingested the contents of the patch. Almost died. She joined NA after that and, to the best of my knowledge, has been clean. But, like I said, she's lied about a lot of things.

We were together for 14 months. She was great the first few months. After she got clean, though, is when her ugly side really came out. Didn't respect boundaries or my wishes on certain things that I felt were important. For a month, it was like benign indifference, and I got sick of it and called her out on it. She responded by dumping me and ripping me to shreds.

Got into Al Anon after that and started reading up on BPD, and I got a pretty good handle on things while we were apart. What was a pretty blurry picture got clear quickly. She came back early December, wanting to reconcile and apologizing for her behavior. I had changed a lot of my codependent behavior by this point. She needed to take responsibility for her own well-being. If she didn't eat, for example, that was her problem. If she had suicidal ideation, I didn't bite because people with BPD use that as a trump card in order to manipulate people. I believe what happened is she became resentful that I didn't drop what I was doing in order to rescue her anymore. And, to punish me, she did what she did. When dealing with someone with BPD, it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. So by doing the right thing -- detaching with love -- she stuck it to me.

It hurts like hell, man. It really, really does. Whatever failings I have -- and I have a lot -- I made a good faith effort to be a loving support for someone that didn't have a lot of them. Her sadism is striking. Her lack of self awareness is incredible. And when she pulled what she pulled, it was devastating but it also closed the door in my mind and heart when it came to her. There is no going back after this. She is, unquestionably, the sickest person I've ever known. She used, lied, and manipulated the whole time we were together. She doesn't know how to love. She only cares about what she wants at any given moment, and doesn't care about who she hurts in the process.

So, I'm done. I'm going to mourn. I'm going to suffer. But I no longer long for her. In fact, it's just the opposite. I want to fumigate my house.
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:11 PM
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zoso-

your attitude is great. keep it up. i went through nearly the same exact thing with my gf even before the hard drug abuse. things started off great, but like a switch everything changed. when she finally put put the daggers in, i was dumbfounded, hurt, and confused. so i read up on stuff too, and when i read the book "help, i am love with a narcissist" everything made sense. i do believe she has personality disorders. after some time, a switch in me changed and i could see in her all the things you are saying about your girl. i git right back on my feet and was liking life just fine. over a year later she made contact. i thought, hell, i'm way over her, besides, she's crazy, i'll never get sucked back in so it's ok to have contact.......

.....holy smoke was i wrong. fast forward 2.5 years later and i am here today. and it took me a year and a half to really understand what i needed to understand. so i think it is great you are seeing it the way you do. do not only no contact, but just dont let your guard down later because those people are masters at manipulation and now i dont know what it would take for me to ever think she has truly changed for the better.

you sound like you are doing great, and at some point it will barely be a thought to you
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post
zoso-

your attitude is great. keep it up. i went through nearly the same exact thing with my gf even before the hard drug abuse. things started off great, but like a switch everything changed. when she finally put put the daggers in, i was dumbfounded, hurt, and confused. so i read up on stuff too, and when i read the book "help, i am love with a narcissist" everything made sense. i do believe she has personality disorders. after some time, a switch in me changed and i could see in her all the things you are saying about your girl. i git right back on my feet and was liking life just fine. over a year later she made contact. i thought, hell, i'm way over her, besides, she's crazy, i'll never get sucked back in so it's ok to have contact.......

.....holy smoke was i wrong. fast forward 2.5 years later and i am here today. and it took me a year and a half to really understand what i needed to understand. so i think it is great you are seeing it the way you do. do not only no contact, but just dont let your guard down later because those people are masters at manipulation and now i dont know what it would take for me to ever think she has truly changed for the better.

you sound like you are doing great, and at some point it will barely be a thought to you
I read I Hate You Don't Leave Me and Stop Walking on Eggshells. There were other points of reference as well that I won't address in this post, but I had enough information to conclude she was a severe Borderline Personality. And that was not a unique conclusion on my part.

And that has to be awful for her, those feelings of emptiness and fears of abandonment. But the thing about BPD is it's treatable with CBD, DBT, etc. I didn't expect miracles, but I expected a good faith effort. Honestly, it's my own fault for letting her back in the picture. She said all the right things, just the right way, and then BLAM!!! Heck, ten days before she did what she did, she was talking marriage. And my reply was "let's get through January". And then she pulls this? At least I don't have to go through a divorce.

There's no daylight between BPD and addiction as far as I'm concerned, at least in her case. They overlap. I have zero confidence she'll ever change. She's in her mid thirties, and her behavior didn't improve with time. It got worse. She can tell me or anyone how she's in recovery, but until she starts taking responsibility for her actions and how they impact others, she might as well still be using. And by the time she does legitimately, truly own up to her behavior, it's too late for us.
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:34 PM
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((Zoso))

Sounds like you are doing a very healthy job of detaching and taking good care of you!

I learned alot about that in Al-Anon and reading the book "How Al-Anon works" chapted 11 - Detachment, love and forgiveness"

that some of my favorite recovery info!!

Keep up the good work - never forget YOU deserve the very best!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
zoso, the above is perhaps the most crucial part of this painful lesson FOR YOU. this relationship started off with one seemingly needy person and one compassionate/rescuer person...she was a taker, you were a giver....perhaps not consciously but you EXPECTED a return on the time and energy you devoted to her...you EXPECTED her to be grateful for all you did for her. anytime we go into a "relationship" with expectations of either what we are going to do for them or vice versa, rather than just as two adults meeting on even ground, it's a setup for disaster.
That's a fair comment, yeah. My expectation was for her to pick up the ball with her recovery and run with it. Frankly, I didn't know what I was dealing with then. By the time I realized I was over my head, I was fearful for her life, for as I said, she used SI as her trump card and it was something I needed to take seriously. It was only after getting into Al Anon and listening to others that I truly understood that it didn't matter if I was good to her or a jerk to her; she was going to do what she was going to do in any event.

What really drove it home, though, was coming here and reading "What Addicts Do". That was, at once, painful and helpful. She's not active, but in terms of her behavior, she may as well be, and that post described her with deadly accuracy.

So, yeah, I became part of the problem, I recognized it and took action. Problem is, with her being who she is, it didn't matter what I did because she, as always, does whatever she wants to do and doesn't care who she hurts in the progress.

And that's why I'm changing my locks.
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:18 PM
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This is a reason to be in a lot of pain. This is rejection and abandonment in one. It really hurts when you find out the one you love does such a thing to you. The nerve of texting you and not facing up to the issue. Sounds like a coward thing to do. If your 2011 was a night mare then you may have a better 2012. It takes time to get over this pain and trust me at some point in your life you may be able to look back and see this could be the best thing that happened. It is good that you are getting support and finding people who really care. I pray you will seek God to get you through this and find yourself a good church family and surround yourself in a better environment with positive around you. It may take time for the scars to heal but down the road you will see truth about it all.
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Old 01-24-2012, 08:42 PM
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you are going to be just fine. i know u are hurting & do not understand this at all. i am sorry about that. i just bet you in 6 months with no contact with her you will have all of this behind u. will be so happy. i just bet you!!
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