Originally Posted by
anvilhead 
zoso, the above is perhaps the most crucial part of this painful lesson FOR YOU. this relationship started off with one seemingly needy person and one compassionate/rescuer person...she was a taker, you were a giver....perhaps not consciously but you EXPECTED a return on the time and energy you devoted to her...you EXPECTED her to be grateful for all you did for her. anytime we go into a "relationship" with expectations of either what we are going to do for them or vice versa, rather than just as two adults meeting on even ground, it's a setup for disaster.
That's a fair comment, yeah. My expectation was for her to pick up the ball with her recovery and run with it. Frankly, I didn't know what I was dealing with then. By the time I realized I was over my head, I was fearful for her life, for as I said, she used SI as her trump card and it was something I needed to take seriously. It was only after getting into Al Anon and listening to others that I truly understood that it didn't matter if I was good to her or a jerk to her; she was going to do what she was going to do in any event.
What really drove it home, though, was coming here and reading "What Addicts Do". That was, at once, painful and helpful. She's not active, but in terms of her behavior, she may as well be, and that post described her with deadly accuracy.
So, yeah, I became part of the problem, I recognized it and took action. Problem is, with her being who she is, it didn't matter what I did because she, as always, does whatever she wants to do and doesn't care who she hurts in the progress.
And that's why I'm changing my locks.