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Old 05-24-2010, 09:42 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
grateful rca
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hey you guys

i'm sorry that i haven't posted in awhile, that don't mean that i don't think of you guys often, i still pray for all of you and your loved ones on a daily basis, i still come to read and visit the arcade. i guess i've just been taking some time out, trying to work on getting my life moving while trying to figure out whats going on with my stepson. i got a pm from a dear friend and felt the need to check in and let you all know whats been going on and that we are basically ok.

lately i've been struggling not to accept this guilt that my stepson seem to want me to feel because i can't be comfortable allowing him to stay here with us, day in, day out, for the past couple months while making little to no effort to look for work and just plain doing nothing except watch tv, almost 20/6.

i mean i took care of him while he was little but now he's 27 with 3yrs of college, has his own apartment and truck, for whatever reason, left the police force and seem to rather stay here day and night and do absolutely nothing as i can tell, not even for himself and i'm suppose to be alright with it. i would tell all of my adult kids the same thing but i guess because he's not really my kid then he should be an exception to the rules.

when i ask him what was the problem, if he need help with anything, he says everything in his life is just fine. i mean i don't understand and i'm beginning to feel used. i let him know that i do care about him and would help if i could but when i try to explain how i feel about him staying here like this, he tries to take me on this hard guit trip."no body loves me, nobody cares".

i explained to him that i want to see him to do good but that i couldn't provide for him now that he's a grown man. its not like he don't have plenty of biological family members in the area even though i know that they are not responsible for him either.

he says that what i'm feeling and trying to say to him, don't make sense to no one. maybe you guys can help me to understand. why do i have to feel obligated to allow him to lock up his place and come stay day and night here, wk after wk for months without leaving for anything, while doing nothing, yet maintain his own apt. i just don't understand and i don't read minds.

not gonna re read this, i'm just sending it and i hope it makes sense to anyone who want to share their thoughts.
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Old 05-24-2010, 10:18 PM
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I have to wonder if he sublet his apartment for the income. I'm guessing he's unemployed? It sounds like he's depressed, if nothing else.

Are you feeling strong enough for more boundaries?
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Old 05-24-2010, 10:37 PM
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(((Teke))) - so GOOD to see you!! BTW, I'm sorry I havent' called...started working at McDonald's, crazy hours and also working 2 other jobs.

Anyway, I think you are very justified in not letting your stepson live there. Yes, he may be depressed, but there are ways to deal with it. However, he needs to put forth the effort in doing that. My stepmom is chronically depresed and I used to do everything I could to bolster her self-esteem, bring her out of her depression and finally realized she wants to stay there. There's nothing I can do.

What I had to do was accept her for how she is. I have no choice but to live in the same house, but I severely limit contact with her when she is in "one of her moods". I've told her, a gazillion times, how much I love and care about her, but I don't know if it gets through. Once again, I had to accept that I've done the best I can.

You may have to do the same with your stepson. We can only do so much. If they don't want help, we can't force it.

I hate to see this happen...I know he has been part of your family since he was practically dropped in your lap and "given" to you.

Just know that you are doing the right thing, sweetie. You've done your job at raising him and it's time for him to find out what being an adult really means.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-24-2010, 10:38 PM
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i don't think he's subletting his apt, he says all is well there and he still live there. yes he is unemployed and i guess he still maybe grieving. i guess i don't understand because he's not saying anything except all is well and the fact that he seems to only spend maybe an hr on the net looking for work but never go out looking and its been 2 good months now.

he got angry or offended and went to his apt, i guess but i'm fighting guilt when i dont' know why i have to feel that way even though the last time he actually lived with me was when he was 16yrso, after he left college about 3yrs ago, we had little contact, he lived with his grandma and dad then moved to his own place. after his dad passed, i think he had little contact with his grandma.

now if he's depressed then i really feel guilty but while he was here, he sure didn't act depressed but it could have been internal.so what do i do now?

i did text him to say that i really do care about him and that if he really needs my help in some way, i hope he'll come talk to me.
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Old 05-24-2010, 11:50 PM
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(((Teke))) - sweetie, if he's depressed, it's NOT YOUR FAULT and you can't fix it. He has to work through his grief in his own way. Wasn't he angry, there for a while? He's just going through the stages.

When my mom died, I had heard about the stages of grief, but had no idea that my dad and I would be going through different stages at different times, and darned if THAT wasn't hard...he'd be wanting to talk about her, I'd want to NOT talk and NOT think about it (I'd be angry at God, the world, etc). Another day, he'd be moving on with life as if nothing had happened (sort of like denial) and I'd be wanting to talk to her...talk about frustration!!

I think you're doing exactly what needs to be done. He NEEDS to get out of the house and back into life. The longer he sits in your house and does nothing, the worse he's going to get. You're letting him know he's loved (but he knows this...I promise), but that he needs to act like the grownup that he is. It's one thing to want to be around family, but it's another to just sit around and do nothing and mooch off of family when you are young and need to have a life.

If I were you, I'd keep texting him, occasionally, to tell him you love him. If he says something about you not wanting him to be there 24/7, I'd say something like "sweetie, you're 27 years old..I'm praying that by not being here, all the time you'll find time to be with friends, have fun, get a job..ENJOY your life...it's what you deserve". Obviously not in those exact words, but something like that..JMO. He may not "get it yet", but at least it's giving him some it would be my codie way of saying what I want for him...not camping out on my couch, playing video games

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:10 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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thanks amy, i needed to hear that and i'll do just that.

i have 3 older adult kids and 1 younger adult kid who also live on their own, in there own place and they asked me "ma, what would you tell us". that made me think, cause i would tell them the exact same things only i would't feel guilty about it and it wouldn't take me long at all to tell them. i've never consciencely treated them any different from my stepson so why do i think i have to start now. thanks

btw, it was my youngest son who was angry and he seems better at times. my stepson is the happy go lucky one most of the time and i think you are right about him acting like the grownup that he so proudly confess to be when it comes to what he wants to do and when he wants to do it.
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:33 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
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Oh, that's right...wrong son...oops! Glad he seems to be getting better.

I'm about to go to sleep...keep us posted!

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-25-2010, 01:41 AM
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Teke, I think he's playing the "guilt card" because that helps stall facing that this is HIS problem and not yours, and he knows that guilt is your vulnerable button right now.

It's hard doing the right thing, but it's still the right thing. He may want to see his doctor and talk about this, if it's depression. Whatever it is, just isolating isn't going to help it. That's good for a short time, but the time has come for him to take better care of himself, and what you did is very loving.

It's okay to not take on the problems of others, especially when they are not willing to help themselves.

Hugs
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Old 05-25-2010, 03:37 AM
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((((Teke)))) I'm so happy to "see" you!

I have to agree with the others.....grown man may have depression and perhaps ought to see his doctor. But you are not qualified to provide him with the help he needs right now and shouldn't have that burden placed on you.

Take good care of yourself, teke!

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 05-25-2010, 04:13 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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teke,

thank you for posting! so good to hear from you.

you have nothing to feel guilty about. remember: give him the message that you love him, but trust HIM to figure out his life, and what he needs to do.

i think you have been a person that has been very giving to the people in your life. if you are changing some things - the way you respond to people - some of them are not gonna like it. you can still be the generous and loving person you are, but that love is shown in different ways.

yeah, he's probably depressed. still has to go to those things that will HELP him, not just help him stay stuck.

"God helps those who help themselves." (Benjamin Franklin)
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Old 05-25-2010, 06:12 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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(((Teke)))
Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm glad you popped in to let us know what was going on. It sounds like your step-son may have some mental health stuff going on; possibly depression. JMO... he's hiding out, avoiding his life and his responsibilities to himself. I don't blame you if you decided to kick him out on his rear and say I love you, but you gotta get to living your life man cause nobody else is going to do it for you. Sounds like he knows he gets sympathy from you and knows you'll let him stay. Now, think about how it would be if the roles were reversed. Does he really believe that you are helping him by letting him stay there and hide out? If he tries to guilt you it's because he knows manipulation will work and you'll give in, feel sorry for him, and let him stay longer. So, I say you have every right to tell him you can't take care of him and it's not about being mean it's about being loving. If you or anyone else continues to give in to him he will never get it together and pick up where he left off and start living. If he is depressed about his life a good dose of reality is sure to help him see that he needs to get himself together and take care of his issues. I don't know his personal reasons for leaving the force, but obviously it was something big and maybe now he's just having a hard time facing reality. I can relate to that right now. I want to hide out too and go home to mom but I can't...I never can again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you to have a thick skin around him to set your boundaries and follow through. I pray for him too that God will lead him out of the darkness and into the light and God will be with him through that tunnel and get him to a place where he can feel good about his next step. Hugs to you Teke!!
AJ
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Old 05-25-2010, 06:17 AM
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HEY TEKE!!!

Great to hear from you - you know I have been praying for you!!

You have gotten (as we always do) great responses here from our SR family and I agree - HIS emotional welfare as a 27 yr old is NOT your responsibility - serve an eviction notice on your Mr. Guilt Monster!!!!!

Your Step-son may also be drawn to you and your home because he feels that connects him to his dad (I don't know that for sure - I'm definitely NOT a professional - it just makes sense to me - I know I want to go certain places somedays because it feels closer to my step-dad who passed away several yrs ago)

But again - it is NOT your responsibility.

You must also take care of YOURSELF.

You can be kind but firm with him.

Honey, I know you have the stength, couarge and wisdom to do this!!!

PINK HUGS to you!!!!
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:12 AM
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Teke - good to hear from you. I agree with the others. Depression can be treated if that's what it is. If a push from you is what it takes to get him help, only good can come from it.

Take care of yourself Teke.
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:13 AM
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Hi Teke,
Something sounds truly wrong here. Let's think about it....he HAS an apartment but obviously doesn't want to be alone. Doesn't want the company of his dad, or grandma, but wants YOUR comapny, perhaps because you don't raise any issues of what is bothering him?

Sounds like some sort of depression to me, but I'm not a Doctor.

Do you know why he left his police job? That sure must have been a wrenching decsion on his part, a good job, alone with pension and benefits.
Did something happen on that job?

Sorry if this was already explained, I haven't been on too much as of late.

Hugs to you, Teke.
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Old 05-25-2010, 11:14 AM
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Hi teke! good to see you. He's 27, not 7, not even 17. I'm glad you are not enabling him and that you are giving him the dignity of making his own way in life - whatever life he chooses for himself.

(((hugs)))
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Old 05-25-2010, 06:35 PM
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oh my, you guys sure know how to help me to see things more clearly.

moose, i don't know why he don't have much contact with his grandma or uncles but remember his dad(ah) just passed away and i don't know what really happened on that job but he says that he didn't like it and didn't want to be a police. he tranfered to a guard position in the jail but eventually said something about a questionable ua. i don't think he drinks or drugs, but he talked about something found in his blood that was hereditary.

like i've said before, this kid don't seem to be depressed but its obvious to all of us that he's good at masking his emotions, so he could be, just trying to hide it. i think maybe he use his cheerfulness as a defense mechanism

. as a kid, i would keep him as long as his family would allow it but there were a couple of times that they would take him and send him away if they got angry or something with me. once at 12yro, they sent him away and he ended up homeless on the streets of ny. crying asking me to send for him. kind of sad, huh?

he got angry after our talk and i was sure that he wasn't gonna come around for a long time but he did drop by for a bit this morning to talk with his b and s, sat a couple hrs and left. i guess i'll know how its all going to work out as the days go by.

thank you for all of your responses, it really means a lot to be able to come here and have you guys to help me work through this stuff. most of the time it seems as if i should already know some things but for me, a lot of the time, its a whole lot easier for me to make suggestions when its not me who need to consider following them.
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