teke

trying to figure out the mind of an addict

literally going crazy trying to figure out if i was going crazy.

spending so much time trying to excuse or justify someone else's actions.

i hated all the time spent actually thinking that addicts don't know any better than to do whatever it is they do and say.

being so decieved into thinking that i was to blame for most everything.

being decieved into thinking no matter what, "for better or worse" applies to every situation.

being a ra, looking back and realizing how dumb i must have sounded/ how sick i had become.

i hate that i thought it was somehow better for my kids for me to continue to try to live with someone else's addiction.

i hate i spent 21yrs basically waiting for what was never to happen. ok, so i didn't know that it wouldn't happen but never the less, 21yrs of a person's life is far too long. i hate i didn't find sr sooner.

i hate that even though he's no longer alive, our lives are still being effected by what he left behind, and i hate that i feel angry sometimes thinking that my ah took the easy way out. shame on me.

i hate looking back but i do pray that the past will somehow benefit the future.

Hammerhead

I too hated that I doubted myself....so much that I began to keep a daily/hourly journal of what I saw and heard... just so he couldn't twist events around... I knew I could catch him then. Looking back occasionally reading the journal sickens me... to see what I was willing to tolerate... for what?

I hated finding pills and him telling me they were vitamins... only to Google them and find out they were Valium.... AND still not throw him out.... ICK

I hated hiding the truth from my family... I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I hated having that "kicked in the gut" feeling all the time....

I hated seeing him waste money and time chasing drugs and alcohol when I just knew he was smarter than that.

So glad I divorced the Addict/Alcoholic and now moving on..... Praise The Lord!!!

tchappy

I hated the helpless feeling I felt because I could not do anything about his drug use. Well I made him leave...but that is all I could do.

It was so hard watching him choose drugs over everything...me, his kids, his family, his job...everything! But he was blind to it.

Drugs/addiction takes away everything if you let it and I almost did.

The worst part I think for me was the LIES. Amazing, awful and hurtful LIES!

Glad I'm out of that life now!

Soleus

This was a great thread. It was really helpful to see that so many others feel the same way I do. Many of those things I relate to, and I think it makes us all feel better to know that others feel/felt that way also, knowing that we're not as crazy as we thought : )

There were a lot of things that I wasn't even sure how to describe or what to call how I feel so it's very helpful to read these posts and be able to identify and put into words how I feel when I'd been having some trouble with collecting my thoughts.

Thank you everyone for your responses, so nice to know that I'm not alone.

cessy68

um.... wow., just realized this was an old thread, and wow.......

How far I have come.

I don't 'feel' any of those things anymore, my my, how one's 'perspective' can change.

I'm not annoyed anymore, or pissed. I have given up trying to rationalize or justify his behavior and 'how' that affects me.

I have given up talking myself into, "this allows me to look at myself, and Love others more"

I realize now, that although I have my 'moments', I don't have to 'have' those moments, I don't have to be-in-it at all.

Anything I choose is a direct reflection on ME, and I can have appropriate dialogue w/myself and blame ONLY myself.

Just as his behavior, (choices) are his and only HE can be truthful with HIMSELF, all the stuff I did in the past was so wasteful... energy wasted.

I find myself tired and older, because I choose to WASTE all my energy trying to 'fix' 'help' the situation. It's nothing that 'annoys' me anymore, rather than I just look back and shake my head.....at myself. (stubborn Irish girl).

I give myself credit for my tenacity, yet realize now it was fruitless effort.

These days, I just let well-enough be. He can do as he pleases, and I ALWAYS do what I please now. I NEVER cater to him anymore, he does the laundry, he cooks. He grocery shops, and I do not ever make excuses. I guess he's functioning 'well' within his addiction. As long as it dosen't affect ME, as long as he continues on doing the responsible things..... who am I to try and discover what lies under his smile?

Does he lie to himself about his addiction. Yep. Does he lie to me? No. Why, because I no longer put him in the position to do so.

Someday, I'm sure this will end, but it hasn't happend yet. It's been about 2months since I put up my boundries, and he knows what they are. When he breaks them.... so be it. My door is always open.... (meaning that he is free to leave). For now, I see it as, he is living his life like a productive man, involved and present. It's not my issue if he has to swallow pills to do so. If he spirals out of control-- he will suffer the concequences.

I will never waste that much energy on somone again...... it's always an inside job.

Love,
Cess

Insulated

oh hammerhead, too funny! I mean that in a good sense. I too used to journal/log. until one day i used the handy 2 min recorder on my cell phone and he STILL denied it was him! i stopped wasting ink and cell batteries after that.

ladyhawk69

Coming to terms with the past when they are in "recovery" is always the hard part. They are taught to move forward.

ladyhawk69

My biggest thing was allowing my children to get close to someone that would eventually dissapoint them................I blame myself for that.

Chino

In addition to the ambiguity that Shaman mentions, I'm annoyed by the lack of common sense, logic. Over the past year, I've realized I'm annoyed by these two things regardless of active addiction and with everyone. Addiction just intensifies it. I've had to step away from everyone free falling without a parachute.

Insulated

Definitely the poverty. Food Pantry for thanksgiving dinner. Poverty is too rich a word for the lifestyle with an addict. Definitely the damned poverty! Skid Row broke. Got drugs, but not a penny for gas.

bluebelle

Putting my life on hold waiting for him to get his act together.

Soleus

I couldn't agree more. I feel so ashamed and embaressed now to think of how much of my life I let slip by that year I was with him. He never forced me or told me to stop doing or seeing anyone but I had such a strong pull to him. I didnt know he was an addict until the end of our relationship but I really felt like he needed me so much that I just poured myself into him.

Now I'm getting back in touch with the people and things I enjoyed before and I feel bad that I let him take me away from being me. It's not his fault those, previos posts have helped me to realize this was my choice and I did it to myself. Thank you for the clarification!

cmhcali

Although I am grateful for feeling my feelings it makes me made that they can numb the pain and I cant. I have to feel it and grow from it while they feel nothing and could care less.

FLLNINE

T add to the list, I Hate how he verbally attacks me every time he is using for no reason at all! Over a simple conversation at diner in a restaurant he began calling me names , then got up and just felt me there....I wanted to dig a hole and crawl in and hide! The best part is his amnesia the next morning....

Insulated

nodding out driving the car on the way to the movies...
nodding out IN the movie and dumping a bucket of cola on the guy next to him...
not seeing the ending of Inglorious Bastards

Nodding out in the restaurant
Nodding out in the plate of food
Me nudging the nodder to keep him awake long enough to finish my meal...

outtolunch

Crazy making for me, at the time, was the time, energy and money I spent trying to fix my daughter's addiction.

Looking back, it was all about my illusions and choices. I empowered her addiciton and made it all about me, me, me.

It's all about ego.

Hammerhead

Yep... I recorded too... audio AND video.... Although I never confronted him directly about what I heard or saw... just had it for my own sense of sanity. He could deny all he wanted... when asked... but I knew in my mind what actually happened... in the event I would question myself.... (how sick is that?)

Hammerhead

Today I experienced fallout of my EXH... I approached a customer and I didn't even get a word out she said.... "I told you all NOT to come back!!!"

Yikes! Come to find out from her that my EXH had recently stopped by her house late one evening looking for "something".... she said she couldn't figure out what he was looking for.... he kept telling her "you know".... she said "No... I don't know"....

She said she thought he came looking for some tail... cuz he said "Don't tell my wife".... eventually he said he was looking for drugs.... she sent him packing and told him to never come back.

I clarified that he and I were no longer married because of a history of this behavior and that I really wanted to keep her as a customer.

She agreed to remain a customer and I was happy to hear that (in this economy)... but I felt icky.... I didn't like having my integrity or character questioned....

Why he chose to ask her for drugs is beyond me... but she was really, really mad.

This is what happens when you are involved with an Addict/Alcoholic.

aah1977

I'm late on this post and loved reading through all the entries. The thing that annoys me the most is that addicition even exists! For me every single thing has annoyed me-what it did to me as a person, what it did to my husband, the financial ramifications and the worry of how my STBX's addiction will affect my son.

SarahDoll

I hate how things get turned around. I try to handle something in a healthy way but it threatens how the addict thinks or what he believes about himself so he tries to flip things so I feel like I am doing something wrong. Whether it is to protect his own way of thinking or to make me go away or to send me on a guilt trip because he's made I called him out on his crap, it makes me so mad!