teke

after i think about, my reaction to his addiction is what bothered me the most. all the spy work that i set out to do almost drove me insane. my addict was doing what he wanted to do but i has no obligation to allow him to do it to me.

breakingfree88

I agree with all of you.
It really comes down to what I allowed my addict to make me do.
The BS lies that I believed over my inner voice.
My intelligent, soft beautiful inner voice that I screamed at.
I HATE that I told her to SHUT UP. That she didn't know what she was talking about.
I hate that I doubted myself.

I hate all the spy work I did, knowing things about him that I had NO RIGHT to ever learn (provided he didn't share it with me willingly). While looking for signs of him using I would always run across private things that I felt so horrible that I found. Old emails, etc. before I was even in the picture.

And I'm w/ HelloKitty. I hate that recovery means it shouldn't hurt any more. That everything's in the past.

But I love that its given me more motivation to put ME first.
Even if its not the purest of motives for doing so, I still love having that justification because if I didn't have it I prob. wouldn't EVER pamper myself (something worth looking into w/ a therapist.. I think)

I love the motivation to succeed that horrible domestic situations gives me. I have learned so much about myself, including MY ADDICTION to broken, sick people incapable of giving me love in return.
I know that I won't always get high off of them and escape relatively unscathed.
That one time, I could really get burnt and lose my life over it.
I see for the first time that its REALLY that serious.
Addiction is 100 percent crazy making for me.

Cath1029

Don't know if this was said yet, but my personal favorite is not taking responsibility for the things they say and do because they were "under the influence."

Hey! You said it. You did it. Own it!

BackToMe

Yeah, what hate about addiction is how I lost myself. I hate how I compromised my values in order to stay with him. I hate how I didn't take action that I knew I should take, how I stayed with someone who put drugs ahead of everything, how I let distance grow between me and other loved ones, how I followed along every time he promised THIS time would be different. Then how I became so angry, hostile, suspicious, closed to others.

I all comes down to not being true to myself. I wish I had taken action LONG ago.

rayofsunshine

Thank you for this thread teke. I know when I was a newcomer, I didn't know some of these crazy behaviors were addiction..... I learned alot here and know our newcomers can use this info. Also, a lot of good responses about recovery too, so we know we don't have to stay with a front row seat to the craziness.
We can learn how to not allow certain behaviors and put the focus back on US.

forwardbound

ME feeling guilty for HIS behaviour.

teke

oh, you have no idea how much this hit home for me. even though i believe i did find out stuff i needed to know, knowing caused me so much more pain, i've been emotionally tramatized. i was always told that if you go looking under rocks, that i was bound to find something, how true and unhealthy that was for me and my family. looking back, my co dependant behavior caused almost as much damage to me and my family as did his addictive behavior. today i can take it for what it was, a lesson learned, one that i don't want to repeat.

kristyk1

What bothered (bothers) me most about my brother's addiction is that he only wants to talk about the important stuff when he's coming off the drugs. When he's down and out and suffering through withdrawals, THEN he wants to talk about how he misses his kids, our other brother dying, how he's lost everything and doesn't know how to get it back, etc....

Then when he gets another fix, everything is hunky-dory. He doesn't have a care in the world.

damnedone

all the lies, not being able to tell whats thruth and whats not
not being able to have a normal rational conversation with him
not being able to make him understand things are not as he sees them
denial denial denial (probably the only good part in online convo is being able to keep logs and throwing them back into his face)
making up things and insisting they are true
his selfishness and ignorance

actually as a conclusion, i regret coming across him and most of all, falling inlove with him and putting all my trust and happiness into him, while he is far from being a reliable person

lexington

One word: forgetfulness.

He forgot wherever things were
He forgot whatever plans we made
He forgot how to use the phone
He forgot how to set an alarm
He forgot to ask me how my day was
He forgot that we were supposed to be having a relationship
He forgot that he'd said "I love you"

I wish I could forget him that easily!!

kj3880

I hate the way it robs a person of their dignity.

Love,
KJ

Callie

That he could TRUELY convince me that the sky was red. He would so vehimantly deny what I KNOW. He'd make me believe that it didn't happen or that something/someone else did what I SAW. The biggest mistake was questioning MYSELF and MY beliefs. I didn't have 100% proof, so I let it go.

imallright

Callie... that is it in a nutshell for me. I believed him even when I KNEW that he was lying. I thought I was the one that was screwed up. And I truly didn't understand what was going on or that I was doubting myself until I stepped away ... not voluntarily, but because I had a serious accident... and until I found SR. I had some HUGE OMG moments. What is amazing to me is that the moments were so OMG... when all that I was learning and amazed by was reality.

ladyhawk69

Believing what he said
Convincing you that YOU were to blame for an argument
Not knowing when he will come home
Not believing that you are STILL putting up with it
Trying to communicate to the kids where he is without making excuses for him or scaring the kids
The worry
The anxiety
the guilt
The judgements
And now that he's in rehab, I'M the one who's being medicated
........................The irony

RedTailHawk

I lost my spirit, my freedom, myself

I gave away normalcy and sanity because I thought I could save someone

I was the only one going to sleep at night crying....he was peacefully passed out

I stopped my life because I was hiding from friends who would tell me the truth

His addiction became my shame

I lied to protect HIS identity while mine fell into the pit

I let him blame me - and I accepted the blame for everything that went wrong

The gifts he would buy for me and have waiting for me right before he went on another binge

That I allowed anyone to convince me that this was LOVE....

That I did not educate myself on what to look for when he told me he was in recovery and I took him back....

Suspicious

That is what blocks me too. I cant prove it and on top of that his explanation makes PERFECT sense so he gets the reasonable doubt verdict from me. Which only benefits him because I then spend way to much time & effort rolling it around in my head, trying to find the weak spot in his story.

gotahavfaith

What do I hate about addiction....Absolutely everything.

What do I hate most, what it made ME become.

BS08

actually as a conclusion, i regret coming across him and most of all, falling inlove with him and putting all my trust and happiness into him, while he is far from being a reliable person[/QUOTE]

This is one of the things I hated the most about it all. I let him make me believe this was real love.

I also:

-hated that fact that inside I didn't trust him, wouldn't admit that to myself, and would always go searching in the house for things, like notes, cards, pictures, or emails.

-That I would stoop to sneaking in the bathroom with his phone looking for text messages before going to bed. And when I found them, just ignored them.

-tolerated behavior that I never would of normally. The lying, deception, dishonesty, disrespect, and manipulation.

-that I hid his behavior (the amount of drinking, pot use, immaturity and financial problems) from all my friends, ESPECIALLY my best friend! I wanted them to think that he was a great guy and life was wonderful. When I confessed after the breakup to friends about his problems and behaviors, they were all shocked I put up with it. That reaction from them really made me feel ashamed of him and his addiction.

-sitting in a room full of people at one of his parties and not being able to have one decent, sober conversation with anyone. Feeling that I was living in a frat house rather than with an adult.

-that I put his addiction and needs ahead of my well being. I bought beer for him when I knew it wasn't in his best interest. Like he'd love me more if there was a nice 6 pack in the fridge.

-that I always gave way more than him emotionally. I'd have dinner waiting for him, think and do special things for him, but I don't think he really every thought "maybe it would be nice to give her a massage after a hard day". My needs were secondary

-believed him when he did future talk

-believed he could be honest and open with me and be a true partner by handling conflicts between us in an adult way.

-hated that he could really never be there with me on the deep emotional level when I needed him. For example, having contact with family after 15 years of estrangement to get "Good Luck" from him. I had to deal with deep things on my own.

-inappropriate rationalization and denial

-and just really hating losing myself, my values, my sense of worth and the trust in myself that I allowed him to take away. I'm still working on getting it back.

Momsrainbow

Dang, this is exactly what he has been saying!!!!!!!!!!

I second the BS!

Envelope

Thank you for this thread Teke!! Shoo has given me perspective!!!