cessy68

Annoys me would be an understatement.

However, the biggest thing that pisses me off (still understated), is that addiction ripped away my dreams, my plans, my love.

Addiction has made my life unstable, unpredictable and confuseing.

Addiction creeps in the night, unable to be seen, until its too late.

Addiction leaves you filled with anxiety, because you don't know what to do.

__________________________________________________ _______________

On the flip side, Addiction shows me how to love.

Addiction has shown me my own weaknesses.

Addiction has taught me how to give without recieving.

Addiction has brought me closer to myself, learning everyday how to struggle and survive.

Addiction, finally, has given me an appreciation, of my life. The good in it, regardless of the bad. My children have become more of a priority, because I finally see how fragile life is. I take a glass half full outlook, when I used to think everything was half empty. Thank god I've had addiction In my life---- for this had been one lesson that I have truely LEARNED so much from, myself, and that of others.

Hugs,
Cessy

teke

thank you all, in read all of your esp, i'm learning a lot more about me. when i first came here i was a true mental case even though i had never been actually diagnosed as one. i didn't know what was real and what was not. i stuck around long enough for my ah to convince me and my family that i needed to be committed to some kind of asylum. thank god i found you guys before they all got together and signed the paper work. true story.

after separation, i learned to just except the fact that i would never know the true facts concerning whether or not i was really losing my sanity or was i being made to believe i was. all i knew was when he was away, i would regain some sanity. i felt better about myself as long as i was not being near him.

in reading here, i'm realizing that my case was not an exceptional one, that i'm not alone in all the confusion i exp.

"stop bring up the past" and "prove it", "you're crazy, your family need to help me get you committed" are just a few of the statements i really hated to hear my ah say. how could i get through the past when the past kept repeating itself and why did i believe that i had to prove everything.

i thank god that i'm not there today and i thank god that i don't have to go there in my future. for the longest i thought it was just me. i feel grateful right now, and i needed to write this, don't know why though.

lexington

I really feel for you after reading this Teke, because it just sounds a lot like the way I felt just before I 'came to' and realized that my relationship with my ABF was unhealthy. That was after a period of not seeing him for a few days, same as with you.

I realized something else while reading your post: given that people with mental health issues are more susceptible to drug abuse in the first place, wouldn't the people who get into relationships with addicts also tend to have underlying mental health problems? That may explain why we get so sucked in by the craziness and find it so hard to escape, once we're in. Not that either of us is actually 'crazy' to start with, but I bet we tend to be more emotionally/mentally fragile than the average person. That's why we identify with the addict's view of the world... and why s/he drags us down!

It's not your fault Teke, however I think people like you and I need to safeguard ourselves against meeting people who mess with the fragile side of us. What I feel I really need right now is a network strong, honest, reliable friends... and forums like this can be a part of creating that.

teke

thank you, lex, i'm so much better these days. its been a little over 2yrs since we separated and i'm loving living alone with the kids. i think i had to get through that "death due us part" part and i had to face the fact that even though i am a ra and did understand a bit about addiction, i still was no match for someone else's addiction.

in reading all of these responses, i began to see that a lot of what i went through back when, is just what living with addiction can and will do to anyone who will stick around long enough.

Inquisitive7

Oddly enough, I sometimes preferred e-mail over verbal communication - the latter one can forget and twist, the written word remains forever. Always could count on e-mail to show what he actually did say instead of how he was trying to twist things.

Inquisitive7

- Being there for him emotionally, but him not being there for me, or if he did, I'd feel timed and he would lose attention every time I tried to share something.
- Indirectly expecting me to give much more in the relationship and yet getting mad at me for saying all the stuff I am doing in the relationship.
- Being late all the time, but the one time I am late, he goes ballistic.
- Putting his sexual dysfunction on me (indirectly by not dealing with it).
- Trying to control our sex life because he couldn't deal with a women who had a healthy libido.
- Turning and twisting things around - for example, he spied on my computer (the even which ended the relationship) but then turned the tables on me saying I was making a big deal of it, then saying he's through unless I come chase him (which I didn't)
- Hurting me and then acting like nothing happened. He basically bailed on the relationship when I was wising up and we were in therapy (yet he was the one saying I wasn't committed). Then he writes to me two months after we break up acting like nothing much has happened and thinking I would want him back...yeah riiiiiigght....get a clue-by-four!
- Putting his children through all the same crap. When I first met his 10 year old daughter she actually asked me how much alcohol I drink and would check up on me and how much I was drinking.

teke

writing letters was the easiest way for me to communicate with my ah, even when he was here with us. like you, it was the only way i felt i could get any point across without feeling like what i had to say was timed. never did much good though. it was like in one ear and straight out the other. eventually i gave up even trying, like they say action speaks louder than words and i do think that goes both ways.

ladyhawk69

Yes, actions DO speak louder than words. Now that my ABF is in rehab, we'll see how the actions unfold. I'm still angry and especially so because we are all "supporting" him as we should. What about me, my kids, the bills and lack of food he left behind in his wake.
#1 thing that is crazy making:

PICKING UP THE PIECES HE LEFT BEHIND!!
:wtf2

lexington

I wonder if, subconsciously, this is why my abf avoided written forms of communication altogether - he didn't want anyone to have a permanent record of all the promises he'd broken; all the plans he'd 'forgotten' about...

teke

you know, i just don't think someone in active addiction cares about whether or not anyone keeps records of their broken promises.i think sometimes subconsciously they make promises knowing they are likely to find a way to break them. so they buy.

i think maybe their avoidance could be because its kind of hard to argue and make excuses with paper or emails. the back and forth conv. is made simple and the addict in my life don't seem to do so well with "simple."

cinderellawkids

That was a big annoyance for me.

The biggest I have to admit was my thoughts, my doubt, "is he telling the truth this time, will he be where he said, is he up to something,ect"
These thoughts are something if I allow them could follow a long long time

teke

gosh!!! i hated having to fight to stay out of my own head. looking back, it was a pity and a shame how much space i allowed him and his actions rent there.

Abundance

yeah... no fricking kidding about the "past". He would suggest that I was this "typical woman" who never forgot something from the past... as always bringing it up! OMG..... that would mess with my head - because he just didn't get it! He didn't see it all running together like puddles of water! I would just get over one thing.... and then less than 2 weeks later - it would be something else!

I can't stand how much I questioned myself!

rahsue

Lies are number one for me too. (the OCD that came along with addiction drives me a wee bit bonkers.) Stealing is my number2 peeve. But you can't be a good theif without being a good liar so i guess they can both be number 1. After all is said and done the Drama destroyed me.

lexington

That's a point, too - they do like to complicate things!!

BBD

The thing about addiction that bothers me the most is that the addict can't see what they are doing to their own health. And, there is a time when they all have to come to terms with the past and the hurt most be tremendous for them to bare. I know~I', a softy but the addict in my life has never stolen from me....I was the codependant one that gave it to him....ERRRRRRRRRR~~~~~~~

pinpoint

empty bic pens- i totally know what you're talking about. Go to write something down and the only thing in there is powder of some color! Embarassing!

URMYEVERYTHING

This reminds me of something.... my dwindling supply of QTIPS.... what in the heck was that about?? I still don't know to this day. I just remember cotton balls and QTIPS missing.

teke

god knows i hate addiction. i hate what it does to people. my heart hurt for all of those who didn't make it and for all of their families.

cessy68

I was thinking about taking out stock in cotton balls and qtips......... but it's because I just got my nose piereced......... (use those suckers to clean 3x's a day up your nose!!!) lol lol.

sorry.... just though it was funny cause there is a huge supply of those over here for a real purpose!

Love,
cess