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Old 09-06-2008, 07:57 AM
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Hello

Hello SR people. Not sure if anyone will remember me. Its been a loooong time. But, in light of recent events, I thought it was a good time to come back and update everyone.

I had left on rather "not good" terms, sinking myself into depression. I'm actually doing alot better. I have good days and bad days, but I do see the good in life and do take the time to appreciate everyone/everything.

A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. I'm doing okay! The whole thing was a real shock. Made me start planning for the future... starting writing a will, was going to basically sell everything I owned so that Jay would have money when he grew up. Was going to move back in with my parents, etc. Ended up that they were wrong. So, after months of tests, treatments, etc. I was told that all the worrying was for nothing. I was mad about that, but today I'm grateful.

Jay is doing well. He started Kindergarten last week. Some of you may remember that he was really sick for long time. He's doing so much better. He had surgery to correct his hearing (60% hearing loss for over 2 years). Now, he'll be hopefully getting Speech therapy, OT and PT to help him get through the rest. But otherwise, he's happy and healthy and just perfect. I took off most of the summer to spend time together and we had just a fantastic time!

Okay, now to what made me think to come back here today...... Anyone who remembers me knows that Jay's dad, Tim, had a heroine addiction. He had been sober for a long time. He was doing really well. After our year long court battle, we were actually starting to get along. He was paying child support. He was showing up to see Jay. We were actually becoming close friends. About a month or so ago, he had started talking alot about being depressed. And then 2 weeks ago, he'd picked up Jay and then called me and asked if he could bring him back, that he just couldn't do it and he needed to go to a meeting. Then he didn't show up last weekend (the holiday) like he had promised Jay. Called his phone to check on him. Of course, it had been shut off. After a couple of days, I called his fam. They finally called me back at 11pm last night.... his mom. She lied (in true MIL fashion, but I forgive her). Saying that someone had stolen his phone, blah, blah, blah. Then his sister called this morning and spilled the beans. He relapsed. They tracked him down by staking out his apartment ( I remember the days when that was my job). And he willingly went to detox and will be going to a 28 day program.

I'm actually not surprised the whole thing happened. Like I said above, I had seen him getting depressed and had just picked up on some things that used to trigger my brain to let me know he was using. What I'm concerned about, is Jay. Tim had been coming regularly for a while now. He had gotten very used to seeing him/being around him. If they weren't having a visit together, I was on the phone with him or Jay was on the phone with him. It's not like when he was 2 and didn't know any better. He's 5, he gets that dad is missing. What do I say? How do I tell him? What do I tell him?

So, after my one year absence, I'm back! I've missed you guys. I've checked in from time to time, just to read and still keep in touch with many off of here. But, I want to know how everyone is doing. So, even if you don't have anything to share about my question, please stop in and let me know how things are going!

Corine
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:07 AM
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Hi Corine,
Welcome back, you have been missed. I'm glad that your medical issues turned out to be a false alarm, but that is not fair that they messed up to begin with.
It sounds like Jay is doing well, and things are looking up for you there. It is a shame that Tim relapsed, but at least he is getting help.
Will keep all of you in my prayers, please keep coming back and posting, it is nice to have you back.
Hugs
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:19 AM
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Awwwww..... PB&J.... I've missed you! How are you doing??????
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:44 AM
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Corine, Great to see you. I've been wondering how your've been doing. Wow you have had alot going on. How scarey to think you have cancer. But how wonderful to hear they were wrong. I can't believe little Jay is in kindergarden allready!! Things here are pretty darn good here. My 22 yr old RAD has 16 plus months clean & sober. As far as what to tell Jay..maybe that daddy is sick & some people are trying to help him get better??

Last edited by helpus; 09-06-2008 at 09:11 AM.
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:59 AM
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Corine, So good to see you back. I have thought about you often. I remember the H#ll you went through with Tim and I am glad that he decided to go to rehab. Jay sounds like he is doing great. Don't you just love 5 year olds. They are eager to learn and still think that their mommy is the center of the universe. You just keep taking care of him and yourself. I don't really have any advice about what to tell him but I am sure that you will find the right words. On my end of the world, my daughter went to rehab at the end of May and spent two months in a recovery house. She has 103 days clean. She is on Suboxone and that has made all the difference (heroin addic also). She is living at home, working, meetings, etc. I just returned to work this week and am really busy. Started to go to an Alanon meeting and am enjoying it. Husband still has not found a job in his field (he has been layed off since last August) so money is tight but we will make it through. Again so glad to see you back Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-06-2008, 09:00 AM
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Hi Corine,

I too remember you ;P Haven't seen you for ages but, well, hardly surprising since we both disappeared from SR a bit!
Piuhhh scary your health thing! can't believe they made this mistake! but for sure, better this way than the other way around...
I'm glad Jay is okay and that his health is better, and i'm also glad he could spend some quality time with his daddy.
As for Tim's relapse, he did pretty good so far and has volonteered to go to 28 day program so i see it as a good sign for him to et back on track. I agree with Helpus: just tell Jay daddy is taking care of his health so he can be a greater daddy afterwards.

As for me, lots of things happened and the most important being that i am now a mum too! of a nearly 4 months old baby girl Her dad is Rain, my heroin addict bf. Things went well until he relapsed and he is now in one year rehab...

Glad you're back
Carine
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Old 09-06-2008, 09:05 AM
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My ABF is in jail and his kids are 5 & 7. The kids are being told that he is away on a project for work and can't come home until the project is over. (they are staying at thier mom's) ABF is writing the kids letters and that helps some. Plus he has talked to them on the phone. The kids don't like it of course, but it's something "normal" that is ok for them to tell their playmates. "Dad is out of town for work". Take care, sounds like you have had a tough year...
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Old 09-06-2008, 10:26 AM
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Trofnelo.... I just spoke to Tim's mom and sister. They both agreed to what you said. I think we all felt like being overly honest at this point might do more damage then good (his sister has 3 small kids that just love him). So, I'm gonna wait until he asks and then we'll have a whole conversation about daddy needing to be away for work for a little while.

OMG! It's sooo good to hear from everyone!

Helpus... congrats on your daughter's sobriety. I'm sooo glad to hear that she's doing well! I hope you're taking care of yourself! And yes, the cancer thing is good news. The whole thing just knocked me for a loop, but I am just so grateful!

Marle.... 5 year olds are just perfect. He's just so sweet and so much fun to be around. I love spending time with him and just completely miss him when I'm work... my baby! I'm glad to hear that your daughter decided to go to rehab. I know this has been a long road for you! But I also know how incredibly strong you are. You really do deserve to have sooo much joy in your life and I truly hope that she's able to stay sober and you can enjoy every moment with her.

Funky..... OMG!!!!! What a beautiful little baby!!!!!!!!! Soooo sweet! Well, I have been in your exact situation. So if ever you need to talk to someone, I'm here for you. I know how hard it is and I know how scary it is!!!!! Make sure you take care of yourself!

So, I had 2 very long conversations with Tim's mom and sister. The whole thing just seems strange to me, but it's also so interesting for me to hear it from their mouths. They both seem very optimistic about the whole thing, that he'll be okay and that they found him quickly and that it's all going to be okay. Funny, cause I remember thinking the same thing until he broke himself out of the rehab and was back on the street. The thing with Tim is that once he starts, he gets so out of control so quickly. I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic. I know that this will be a long journey for him and that there may be many more relapses before he finds his way again. But, he's alive and there's hope for him to make better decisions in the future.

I also learned alot of things that I wasn't really aware of. I knew (at some point I think you just know things, like no one has to tell you) that the girl he was seeing was someone that he met at meetings. I was a little uncomfortable with her being around Jay, but I'd never really met her and didn't think I was qualified to make that judgment. But apparently she's still an active drug addict who's much better at hiding her addiction then Tim ever was. And apparently he's somehow felt like he needed to save her, like karma to make up for all that everyone else did for him. But, as we all know, there is no saving an addict, they have to make those choices for themselves. And he unfortunately ended up in the situation where most of us find ourselves... codependant and depressed! It's just a bit ironic in my mind how things have changed so much.

Well, keep those updates coming! I've missed you all soooo much!
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Old 09-06-2008, 10:31 AM
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Oh, just wanted to write that I didn't really mean that comment about MIL that I made in the original post. I think that was just a little anger/resentment/fear slipping through and a tad bit misplaced. I apologize for that. I really don't harbor any ill feelings toward her!
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Old 09-06-2008, 01:52 PM
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Hi Corine!! It's really great to hear from you and I am soooo glad the cancer scare was just a scare. My heart was in my throat as I was reading. I'm glad Tim agreed to help too. I've heard the saying "scratch an addict and you find a codependent" and I have seen that in real life too. I think sometimes the desire for perfectionism, saving the world, control etc is what starts that downward spiral when it just doesn't work that way and then the feeling of failure can lead to self medication. Not saying that is the case all the time or even the majority - addiction is far too baffling for me to have a clue why!

Doing well here...unusual to be on the computer during the day in the summer on the weekend, but ole Hanna is doing her thing here and I imagine where you are too. My older daughter is doing well, still clean and sober, in a good relationship with a guy with about 3 years in recovery (they have had their on again off again moments but they seem determined to make a go and overcome the hurdles and grow); is back in college and working a full time job that has a career path and benefits...woohoo. Our relationship is better than ever and I am grateful for every moment. Despite not having active addiction in my life for over 2 years now, I still come here and go to Naranon since I find it benefits every aspect of my life.

One of my favorite ages is 5 too. I think if I stayed in teaching I would have wanted kindergarten. Enjoy.
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Old 09-06-2008, 02:32 PM
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(((Corine)))

It's so good to see an old friend, even if the circumstances stink. I'm sorry, Corine, and my prayers go out for Tim (and for you and Jay also).

Hopefully, he will get back on a good path soon. He's tasted sobriety and that often helps them find it again.

Big hugs to you and the little guy. Welcome back. :ghug3
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Old 09-07-2008, 06:29 PM
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Funny I came back here for the first time in a LOooong Time and there was your post. Not here much at all... rarely post. Got rid of the addict BF and got a dog... spend a LOT of time dog training. Lot of time working. Lot of time helping out my Mom cuz Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Sworn off relationships and my life has been really very very VERY good with that decision.

Even so, you crossed my mind from time to time and I was hoping you found a path and were happy in some way on tht path.

Just know I think of you from time to time and wish you the best.
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Old 09-07-2008, 06:53 PM
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Greet... I'm sooo glad to hear that you're doing well. And that your daughter is doing well and you're able to enjoy some time with her. We barely got hit by Hanna. We're on Long Island and it hit the coast really bad, but we're more inland and barely saw anything more then a rainstorm.... thank goodness.

Awe... ANN!!!! I've missed you so much. I know we're had this conversation before, but you've been so inspirational to me and I keep all that I've learned from you tucked away to help me make it through each day! Hope you're doing well and little Toby too! BTW, we got a new kitty. He's 12 weeks old now. His name is Rocco! I couldn't resist!

Elana... You definitely sound like you're keeping yourself busy! Woo girl! You've got alot going on. Yes, pets are so much better then men! LOL! Thank you soo much for all your kind words. There's been many nights when I sit up and just think about everyone here and how much I truly appreciate all the support, love and help they gave me over the years. I miss you and will definitely keep you in my prayers.



Okay, so I have a new question.... or 2. I plan on calling the lawyer tomorrow. Not to cause any problems, but just to get advise as to how to proceed. If you all remember, I had taken him to court with the purpose of getting everything set up so that if he relapsed there would be consequences. Part of that, was the the child support agreement which states that if he does not pay (I can't remember for how long) that a warrant would be put out for his arrest. Not sure what to do about that. I have no intentions of recinding the plan, but I'm not sure whether or not I should tell him or his family as I don't think they're aware of this.

My next thing, that I've been thinking about and will bring up to the lawyer, is how to proceed from here. What happens with the visitations? When is it safe to start again? Do we go back to supervised? Etc.

My last thing is..... I've just been thinking about what to say to him when he calls. I know he can't call for a couple of days, so I have some time to think about it. But, if anyone has any suggestions as to how to handle myself, I'd appreciate it!

Lots of love to all!
Corine
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:43 PM
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Hi Corine,
I am doing fine. Was away this weekend so sorry that I did not respond before now. You are doing the right thing with Jay, by waiting until he asks about his dad. When you go to the lawyer ask what you can do and take his advise and figure out what is best for you.
I would not allow him to see Jay unless someone was with them for awhile. You will know when you feel he is clean and is really trying, you have been there so you know him better than we do.
Take your time there is no rush right now.
Good luck,
Hugs and Prayers
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Old 09-07-2008, 08:47 PM
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Welcome back never!!! Glad to hear that your doing okay and the test were wrong. Its good to hear Jay is doing well.

Welcome back!!
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Old 09-07-2008, 09:02 PM
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hi corine, sure i remember you. you don't forget old friends. i have missed you. i am sorry about tim. i have no opinion on what to tell jay. i do know all children need to be happy & do not need to worry about their parents. glad you are here. prayers for aLL OF YOU.hugs,
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Old 09-07-2008, 09:11 PM
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Hey Nevergiving up,

Guess what? We never gave up on you....

So glad you are back, but sorry about the circumstances.

Regarding your question, try not to project too much. When the time comes for decisions regarding visitation with Jay, I bet you'll have a gut feeling as to what the correction thing to do is. Just try to stay in today and not get too far into the future. If we do that, we just lose the good of today.

Hugs,
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Old 09-08-2008, 01:32 PM
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PJB.... You're absolutely right. I need to slow down a bit! I always like to be prepared though
Thank you!

Lies.... I missed you! How's everything going?

Hope.... Thank you for your kind words. I do agree, 5 year olds do not need to be stressed out by the mistakes of the adults in their lives. Maybe he won't even ask! Let's just hope

Hangin.... Thank you for trusting my gut better then I do. LOL! I know, just breathe and slow down.




Okay, so I called the lawyer today. His suggestion was that I needed to deny him visitation until he can prove that he's sober with a certificate from the rehab saying that he completed it (we all know how much good that is) and then insist that there be supervision during the visits for a length of time. And, that if he fights it, then we'll go back to court, but that I need to make sure that I deny the visits or I'll be in trouble with the courts and Child Protective Services. He also said, if this is not just a short slip up and he continues using or leaves the rehab, we'll go back to court to have the order changed to remove him. So, now it's just a waiting game to see what he does. But of course, I'm not centering my life around this, so it's not even slightly as traumatic as in the past. Just something that happened. Something that will work itself and I trust that the answers will present themselves when I need them.

I got an email from his mom today. Funny how she's so blind to all of it. Or maybe I'm just marred by the experiences of the past. She's fairly certain he will be okay. She says that she talked to him and that he was worried about Jay and his bills and other normal stuff. I'd love to join in on her optimism, but I'm fairly certain, that this will not be the end of it (history does have a tendency to repeat itself).

She also said that she told him that they told me the truth about what was going on and that he was glad because he didn't want them to lie to me. I'm just slightly insulted by this, but I'm letting it go. How did they think they were going to be able to lie to me for detox+28 day rehab. Wow! They must really think I'm an idiot. So, with that being said, I'm wiping my hands of the whole situation. I'm protecting myself and Jay (legally and emotionally) and just limiting any contact I have with any of them. I really can't find myself tangled up in all of this again!!!!!!

Thanks all! Keep checking in and letting me know how you all are doing!
Corine
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:17 PM
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oh it is so awesome to hear from you - Corine - I have missed you so much.

Geez it seems like the last time we talked you had just gotten a new car. I have kept you & your family in my prayers. Sounds like you are doing well in taking care of you and remembering to do the Next Right Thing for Jay & for you.

Life is life as always with me - busy with those 7 grandkids & 5 daughters - still taking life, one day & one hurricane at a time (that's a little Gustav & Ike humor - ha ha ha)

Looking forward to catching up with you soon

Love & HUGS,
Rita
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:20 PM
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Hey Corinne- It has been a while since you've been here.

I'm glad to hear that you've gotten that situation straightened out with your attorney being involved. I do hope that Tim's relapse isn't a long one and that he can get back into Jay's life again as a sober father.

I'm not on much anymore either. Life has a way of becoming a little hectic a lot of the time.

My husband is clean and has been for over a year now. I allow him to handle his own life and he does a pretty good job at it!

You sound like you are doing great and I'm glad to hear that!
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