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Just not getting it

Old 08-30-2007, 08:13 AM
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Just not getting it

Hi everyone. I feel funny posting so much lately when normally I am not a big poster, but I really need you guys right now. I have been coming here for almost 2 years now. I understand the steps and letting go and letting God or HP. I understand detachment. One half of my brain understands the rationality and logic of all of this, but the other half is not cooperating. No matter how much I understand any of this, ,I cant seem to practice it. At least not for two days in a row. I cant get past the anger part. I am still so angry all the time. I wake up and the first thoughts I have are hateful thought about my husband and his addiction. When I go to bed at night the last thoughts I have are hateful about my husband. I am going to Celebrate Recovery meetings now. Been to 3 so far. I absolutely love it and cant wait for Fridays nights cause thats when the meetings are, but I feel like I am still missing something. We have a three year old son. I try so hard to put most of my focus on him as much as I can to keep my mind wandering into codie land, but it doesnt work all the time. I keep waiting to have one of those a-ha moments that every one here speak of so often, but my moment has yet to come.

I gripe and nag and yell at my AH all the time it seems. And in the back of my mind I am saying to myself, "Why are you wasting your breath and energy doing this? It does no good. Your husband is in active addiction and he doesnt care what you are saying and he doesnt care what he is doing to his family, so just shut yourself up." But I cant. I want to shut up, I want to abstain frfom the yelling and nagging. But then there are days where I feel like if I dont yell and nag, then he will think he got away with something, and lord knows, this codie cant have that. I just wont stand for him thinking he got away with something. Even though I knowe eventually he will get his payback for everything he has done, I have to give him some sort of payback now. So I yell, and little boy thinks momma is always mad at daddy, but doesnt know what daddy has done and that its wrong, but he seems momma mad at daddy for no apparent reason. I cant keep going on this way. How do I learn to bite my tounge and hold back my emotions from him. It does absolutely no good for me to act this way and I know it. I just cant stop it.

I seriously need to get some medical help I think. I need something for anxiety and depression. I am constantly fearful and always awfulizing everything, and I can "What if?" myself to death if I am not careful. I was on Lexapro once before and family said I was a different person. Maybe I could ask the doctor about that?

I just know I need some help before I do something irrational or crazy, cause I think I am at that point. I hate being angry all the time. I am either yelling and ready to spit at anyone who looks at me, or I am crying at the drop of a hat, and then once the tears start I cant stop them. I go from extreme anger to extreme depression and I cant seem to get a grip on myself these days. Right now not having a front row seat is not an option as much as I would like it to be, so in the meantime while I am stuck in my situation, I need help learning to let go. I feel kinda like I dont even know how to pray anymore.

For anyone who could stand to listen to anymore of my whining thank you for listening, any and all suggestions are welcome. I love you all.
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Old 08-30-2007, 08:16 AM
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i know i always say the same thing about anger, but here goes...

for me, anger is fear. when i let go and turn it over to my hp, i became less fearful and the anger goes away.

keep posting, wendy! k
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Old 08-30-2007, 08:23 AM
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(((wendy)))

I think talking to your doctor or a therapist about this is a great idea. It's so easy to KNOW what you should do but so HARD to put it to work. I struggle with that everyday.

I'm glad you love your meetings. That's got to help tremendously.
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Old 08-30-2007, 08:51 AM
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((((Wendy)))
It sounds like you are struggling emotionally, with what is transpiring. And if you're like me, the anger stems from fear (as PR mentioned) and the slow realization that the end result may well be what we feared most: No recovery for the addict.

I had to get to the point of realizing that all of our efforts are geared toward being healthy REGARDLESS of the outcome. And that was SO hard for me in dealing with my child. I'm not sure if I really got there given he began to improve, just when I had thought it not possible.

So, did I really give it up, or was my peace in good part due to his behaving? I may never know.

But what I DO know is that I have tools that I never had before, ones that I can use if it comes to it, and ones that I use everyday to work on me. You, my dear, are in an extremly difficult situation in that its there everyday, right in front of you. I imagine you can hardly breathe at times. You might want to start on a plan to change that.

As far as the meds, a good friend of mine went through a terrible time when her hubby left her right smack in the middle of dealing with very critical health problems. Her Dr. gave her a small script for depression/anxiety (I can't remember which one) with the comment that if she didn't have better coping skills afterward, she would need to seek therapy and further meds. She took them for 10 days, and as she began to think clearer, things started to fall better into place for her.

I wish you well Wendy, I know its hard for you right now.
(((Hugs)))
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Old 08-30-2007, 09:35 AM
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Wendy, see your doctor asap.
I had severe anxiety in the past. My program was solid and the anxiety was not due to not living in or practicing recovery. I was not my usual self at all. Under my Doctor's care, I received anti depressant therapy and it helped me so much.
Codependency and addiction are both progressive illnesses. Over two years time there is bound to be progresssion. Add severe anxiety to the mix and there's little serenity or peace.
Glad you are attending Celebrate Recovery meetings now.
Recovery takes practice and meetings really help.
Hugs

Last edited by frankie_b; 08-30-2007 at 09:52 AM.
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Old 08-30-2007, 09:53 AM
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Just crawled out of my pit recently

Oh Wendy! Please call your dr ASAP.

My hubby's DOC is cocaine. I was you just 2 short months ago. Always angry, couldn't focus on my lovely 3.5 yr old ds (and 9mth old daughter) because I was mad at daddy. I was anxious all the time, definitely not me.

Hubby and I have been together 10 years, the first 8 were wonderful. He fell into a depression after the death of his grandfather (whom my hubby looked to as a father) and started using (hanging out with undesirables at the time that lived in our neighbourhood.....bad timing, bad scene). I didn't find out until I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter and I've been dealing with stuff ever since.

Long story short, I was always the one in our relationship to keep things together. Once I fell into PPD, I could no longer be the strong one. Hubby couldn't emotionally support me, I couldn't emotionally support him and all went to hell in a handbasket.

Two months ago I decided to take things into my own hands and I saw the dr about medication. I am on a low dose, but it enables me to keep the racing thoughts at bay. This makes me less stressed, a better mommy, and able to emotionally support my hubby once again.

Everything is falling back into place again. Hubby has been clean for 3 weeks and has an appt tomorrow with our dr to get meds for his own depression. Our relationship is feeling a little more normal and our children are thriving once again.

It's a long road, but in my case the meds were what I needed to get me over the hump. Now that I feel like myself again, I can let go of my anger and leave hubby's recovery in his own hands. I'm strong again and feel that I can do this by myself if need be. I don't want that, but realizing that I will survive and be well helps the scared and trapped feeling go away. I told hubby "I'm here because I want to be, not because I have to be. Don't make me walk away." I put the ball back in his court and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Please take care of yourself and the rest will follow. God bless.

Rebecca
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Old 08-30-2007, 09:58 AM
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((((((Wendy))))))

You can bet your bottom dollar that I am so angry too. I could really blow a gasket if I let myself. God I am so pi$$ed at myself for putting up with my H's [email protected]

How can I get past it? Well I think that being honest with myself helps a lot. It is the first step I think. What next? Well then I have to stop feeling sorry for him,believing his BS, doing for him the things he ought to be doing for himself, ect...when I stop doing these things I will be on the way to detaching with love and I will be loving myself too....I have to stop doing something for the situation to change cause I know he is not going to. Pick one my dear don't try to do everything all at once. Is it possible for you to just stop believing his BS or stop feeling sorry for him? I know when I am being BSed don't you? I also know when I am feeling sorry for someone. My H has sucked a lot of juice out me on that one. I can't tell you how much better I feel my not feeling sorry for him. Oh how much more energy I have because I do not allow myself to feel sorry for him. Heck he feels sorry for him self enough for 10 people he don't need my pity...You can do this ((((((WENDY)))))))
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Old 08-30-2007, 11:26 AM
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Wendy,
The replies here are just wonderful.
I just wanted to affirm what has been said already. (((Wendy))))
huge hugs,
cmc
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Old 08-30-2007, 12:10 PM
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Thanks for all your replies. I dont have a family doc so I think today I will look for one and set up an appt.

Splendra, I get you. But see, not believing in his BS is part of my problem. I dont believe one thing that flows out of his mouth. When he is standing there feeding me a line of BS over and over again to my face and I know its BS I get so pi$$ed that I feel like if I dont retaliate and lay in on him then he thinks I am so stupid that I actually believe the crap hes telling me and I cant stand for him to think that.

And I stopped feeling sorry for him a long time ago. I think if I actually had some compassion for him having this disease of addiction I might be able to handle it better. I just cant get to that point yet.

I understand where you are going with it though. I just know something has got to give. I hate the thought of taking a pill to change my reaction to the world around me, cause I feel that I may as well be just like my AH then, but at this point if I dont get on some kind of medication I am going to end up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown or something. Thanks!
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Old 08-30-2007, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by WENDYLOST101 View Post
I hate the thought of taking a pill to change my reaction to the world around me, cause I feel that I may as well be just like my AH then, but at this point if I dont get on some kind of medication I am going to end up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown or something. Thanks!
I used to think the same way. But when I developed insomnia, I was beginning to be unable to think clearly due to lack of sleep. I now have sleep meds to help on the restless nights and can function "normally"

Sometimes a person under a lot of stress stops being capable of seeing the world as it is. The meds may help to put things back in perspective. Meds are not wrong, in fact they are often life savers.
Its the abuse of the meds that are wrong.

We all come to a point that its time to hang up our super hero capes and seek out the help we need.
(((Hugs)))
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Old 08-30-2007, 12:22 PM
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I feel the exact same way! I can't stand not saying something when I think he is BSing me. I don't want him to think I believe him or condone it. It is a total waste of my time and breathe, but I just cant't let it go! His BSing hurts me and I want him to know it and maybe hurt too....
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Old 08-30-2007, 12:47 PM
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Wendy,
I too am afraid to take some meds since I don't want to become addicted to them. I spoke to my doctor about it, and he gave me what I needed and said he was not afraid of me using the pills the way I shouldn't since I am parnoiod about becoming and addict.
Please see your doctor, I am on meds for anixety and depression and when I don't use them I feel myself slipping back to the hate, anger etc. Explain to your doctor how you feel and ask that they give you something to help but the chances of becoming addict to them are low.
Hugs coming to you, please keep posting as much as you need to, it helps others too to see they are not going thru this alone.
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Old 08-30-2007, 01:28 PM
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Cece, I know. I have just become so used to hating pills period. I hate to even take tylenol, but its to the point I know I cant think that way anymore. It is definitely time to hang up that cape.

Kj21, you know what I am saying. Yes I admit that when I let him know hes not pulling the wool over my eyes, I fully intend to hurt him. I say words to him that my mother would put soap in my mouth for. I call him names and belittle him. In that moment you would think I was the one on drugs. I just get so mad I cant help it and it just spews from my mouth before I can stop it. I always feel bad and I always know that it does no good, its just a waste of my breath, but I cant stop myself from doing it.
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Old 08-30-2007, 01:46 PM
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Oh Wendy honey! I've been where you're at. Not only was my ex blowing all of our money up his nose, not coming home but he was insulting my intelligence by looking me straight in the eyes and lying his a$$ off. I used to think "How dare he take me for some idiot!! And I'd let him have it..........BIG TIME!! I was so sick and tired of all the lies. I probably could have handled things so much better if he had just stopped and told me the truth once in a blue moon.

Some great advice has been given above. Just wanted to let you know I've been there and figured you might could use a hug. Love ya girl.

Kris
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Old 08-30-2007, 02:09 PM
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Thanks Kris. I can use the hugs. Wish you were here. Love ya!
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Old 08-30-2007, 02:31 PM
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(((((Wendy))))) Hun...Im sorry. I went through that too.....I was just about at my bottom at that point.
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Old 08-30-2007, 02:35 PM
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Well (((((Wendy)))))

If you ain't believing his lies or feeling sorry for him then maybe you are putting up with his [email protected] ...so if you are try stopping that. When he is serving up a big dish o'[email protected] just walk away say nothing do nothing but walk away....you can do it sweetie...just start ignoring the heck out of him act as though he is not even there. I'm on yo side....I have done it and I know it works. Nothing straightens him out more than ignoring him. Oh God he starts cleaning and giving me money. I still ignore him. I have lots more space now. try it it won't hurt one bit I promise.
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Old 08-30-2007, 02:43 PM
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Thanks Laura!

Splendra, you are right. I am putting up with his crap. Somedays he takes the ignoring and somedays he dont. On the days I try to ignor ehim and he keeps pushing and pushing and pushing I finally give in, but maybe if I am a little more persistent with it then he will realize when I ignore him he best back off. Maybe, I dont know. Thanks though.
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Old 08-30-2007, 02:49 PM
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I think some serious detachment is needed here Wendy. I did it with my ex and believe it or not..........cuz he got under my skin worse than a chigger.......or however you spell it.........it wasn't as hard as I first made it out to be. Then it became quite easy. What you need is a life outside of this marriage. Do you have friends you can go hang out with? Is there anything you like to do without the company of your husband. Detachment was always easier for me when I had a distraction.
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Old 08-30-2007, 03:11 PM
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Kris, I have done the isolation thing so much that I have no friends. The few I managed to hang on to for a little while I kind of ran off so my husbands addiction couldnt hurt them the way it has been hurting me. He pretty much throws a fit if I try to go do anything without him anyway. Really embarrassing, but what can I do? Nothing right now. Amazingly there are a few things I do enjoy doing with my husband but here lately we fight so much there is no time for those things. Most of the time when things are quiet around the house, he is watching tv or playing video games while I have my nose in a book.
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