Just not getting it
Hi everyone. I feel funny posting so much lately when normally I am not a big poster, but I really need you guys right now. I have been coming here for almost 2 years now. I understand the steps and letting go and letting God or HP. I understand detachment. One half of my brain understands the rationality and logic of all of this, but the other half is not cooperating. No matter how much I understand any of this, ,I cant seem to practice it. At least not for two days in a row. I cant get past the anger part. I am still so angry all the time. I wake up and the first thoughts I have are hateful thought about my husband and his addiction. When I go to bed at night the last thoughts I have are hateful about my husband. I am going to Celebrate Recovery meetings now. Been to 3 so far. I absolutely love it and cant wait for Fridays nights cause thats when the meetings are, but I feel like I am still missing something. We have a three year old son. I try so hard to put most of my focus on him as much as I can to keep my mind wandering into codie land, but it doesnt work all the time. I keep waiting to have one of those a-ha moments that every one here speak of so often, but my moment has yet to come.
I gripe and nag and yell at my AH all the time it seems. And in the back of my mind I am saying to myself, "Why are you wasting your breath and energy doing this? It does no good. Your husband is in active addiction and he doesnt care what you are saying and he doesnt care what he is doing to his family, so just shut yourself up." But I cant. I want to shut up, I want to abstain frfom the yelling and nagging. But then there are days where I feel like if I dont yell and nag, then he will think he got away with something, and lord knows, this codie cant have that. I just wont stand for him thinking he got away with something. Even though I knowe eventually he will get his payback for everything he has done, I have to give him some sort of payback now. So I yell, and little boy thinks momma is always mad at daddy, but doesnt know what daddy has done and that its wrong, but he seems momma mad at daddy for no apparent reason. I cant keep going on this way. How do I learn to bite my tounge and hold back my emotions from him. It does absolutely no good for me to act this way and I know it. I just cant stop it.
I seriously need to get some medical help I think. I need something for anxiety and depression. I am constantly fearful and always awfulizing everything, and I can "What if?" myself to death if I am not careful. I was on Lexapro once before and family said I was a different person. Maybe I could ask the doctor about that?
I just know I need some help before I do something irrational or crazy, cause I think I am at that point. I hate being angry all the time. I am either yelling and ready to spit at anyone who looks at me, or I am crying at the drop of a hat, and then once the tears start I cant stop them. I go from extreme anger to extreme depression and I cant seem to get a grip on myself these days. Right now not having a front row seat is not an option as much as I would like it to be, so in the meantime while I am stuck in my situation, I need help learning to let go. I feel kinda like I dont even know how to pray anymore.
For anyone who could stand to listen to anymore of my whining thank you for listening, any and all suggestions are welcome. I love you all.