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Old 06-05-2007, 02:54 PM
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New Here Need Advice

I have a boyfriend that I have been on and off with for 14 years. He is a drug addict which coke is his preference drug. That is the reason things have not worked out with us. He went to 3 month treatment facility last year and got out in Nov that is when we got back together and started taking things serious. He started drinking not that long after he got out and smokes weed. He said he doesn't have a problem because he isn't doing coke. Well the drinking leads him to leaving me wherever we are so he can go do coke. I am so mad at myself for taking him back as many times I have since he got out. Last week he left the BBQ and came back high - first time since he has been out has he been on that in front of me. I told him it was over he said I just did it once sometimes I just want to do a couple lines and drink I don't do it everyday. He says I give up to easily and just leave him. I don't know what else to do when he does that I don't want to be with him. We worked things out and then yesterday I had a feeling he was on something he wouldn't come over and didn't have a reson. So I went to his house and sat outside for a half an hour and he wouldn't let me in and wouldn't come outside. this just proved that he was on something. I am mad at myself for doing that. I just need to walk away but it is sooooo hard!! I love this man so much and if he didn't do that he would be perfect. I have read co-dependent no more but just don't know how to stop being co-dependent I need the first step - is that just no communication at all with him? I need help! I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
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Old 06-05-2007, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by jsjohnson72 View Post
I have a boyfriend that I have been on and off with for 14 years. He went to 3 month treatment facility last year and got out in Nov that is when we got back together and started taking things serious.

He started drinking not that long after he got out and smokes weed. He said he doesn't have a problem because he isn't doing coke.

He says I give up to easily and just leave him.

I just need to walk away but it is sooooo hard!!

I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
Welcome! You will find a lot of support here. There's a lot of people having the same problem as you.

I have a good idea of what you are going through. My ex bf was a crackhead. I was with him for 3 1/2 yrs. until this Feb.

He had a problem with it before I met him. Was off it when I met him and started back on it after we had been together for about 9 months. (He later told me that he did it occasionally during that first 9 mos., but hid it).

So during about a 2 year period he put himself in rehab twice and went to jail twice.
Each time he got out of rehab or jail he swore he was going to be clean.

Each time he started with booze and pot and in two weeks time he was back on crack....just as bad as before. He thought he could drink and smoke pot without using anything else, but it never turned out that way.

It sounds like your man is in DENIAL just like mine was.

I got my hopes up everytime he said he was gonna quit. Finally i sort of 'bottomed out' and realized that he was maybe sadly enough NEVER going to quit. I couldn't take it anymore. The lies, stealing, drama, having this problem that I hid from almost everyone.

It is so sad because everyone has good qualities and IF ONLY they would get sober things would be great. There are things about my ex that I miss alot.

You are making a lot of progress! You read the book-you know what to do! Believe me I know how hard it is!

He says you give up too easy...maybe HE gives up too easy!!

You said that you don't want to live the rest of your life this way. If you stay with him there is a good chance that you will live your life this way.

Read that book again. Start setting some boundries that you can stick to. Or even just one. pick one that you know you will stick with. it will make you feel stronger and then as you go you will get stronger and stronger and not feel so out of control in the situation.

Also protect your $$ and remember one thing please. You cannot trust him!

(((hugs)))
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Old 06-05-2007, 04:26 PM
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Thank you so much! I know what to do I just need to do it. I am not stupid I know he lies and I just need to walk away. I am going to re-read that book tonight. I am hoping that will help me let go. I just need to stay strong! My ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic, my son's dad I went through the whole drug thing went to his AA meetings with him and everything cried when he wouldn't go because I didn't want him to go back to jail. So it is obvious I am co-dependent. I need to figure out how to turn my life around so I do not have to deal with this anymore. I even went to counseling when I was with my ex-boyfriend to find out how to let go but she didn't seem to do anything for me just told me to read that book but never gave me any advice on what I should do. When I read the book the first time seemed it tought me how I was and probably stemed from something that happened in my younger years. Just need to know how not to pick these type of guys anymore. I am 30 years old I have a son that is 8 and a daughter that is 6 I really need to learn how to pick the right person. I know there is a lot of issues I have just need to figure out how to change maybe I need more than a book. I have never attended alanon meetings but thinking maybe that should be my next step along with having no contact what so ever with him. I am just scared of starting over. I really thought things were going to work between us. I guess I was wrong. Thanks for listening and I hope this message board will help me. It is really wierd and most people on here probably think the same thing I have my life together I am responsible, my kids are raised well, I have a good job and make good money but for some reason I find these losers that have issues and I try to change them when really it is myself I need to change to not attract these type of men.
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Old 06-05-2007, 04:32 PM
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Prayers To You, You Will Find A Lot Of People Here That Have Good Information, And Support
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Old 06-05-2007, 05:28 PM
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"Better a painful ending than pain without end."

Just break it off and don't look back. Abf went to treatment but didn't get sober. You did it once and all those reasons still exist.
Mourn the loss while learning about yourself so that you choose healthy lifestyle in next bf. Best wishes as you do what ya gotta do.
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Old 06-05-2007, 06:03 PM
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Welcome to SR! I found Alanon and Naranon meeting very helpful, my sponser and this site. Keep coming back! When you gut has had enough of the crap you will make a move. Looking back I was amazed at how much I put up with - I don't put up with a whole lot moving forward. Life is good on the other side - I would read detachment and some of the following links found at the beginning of this forum and the Freinds and Families of Alcoholics - when I first found this forum they helped me.

Can it be any clearer?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-clearer.html
it is under the classic reading link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:42 PM
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I am sorry you're feeling down. Have you found an alanon meeting? They really are life savers. You're not alone in your feelings.
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Old 06-05-2007, 08:35 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by jsjohnson72 View Post
Thank you so much! I know what to do I just need to do it.

So it is obvious I am co-dependent. I need to figure out how to turn my life around so I do not have to deal with this anymore.

When I read the book the first time seemed it tought me how I was and probably stemed from something that happened in my younger years.

Just need to know how not to pick these type of guys. It is really wierd and most people on here probably think the same thing I have my life together I am responsible, my kids are raised well, I have a good job and make good money but for some reason I find these losers that have issues and I try to change them when r
eally it is myself I need to change to not attract these type of men.
hi Jsjohnson, I also realized after reading the book that I have have too much codependency in pretty much all my romantic relationships.

Before the crackhead I was with a guy who had severe clinical depression. It was just as bad as the crackhead! Just in a sort of different way. He used to get suicidal... He didn't want to take meds or go to counseling like the Dr. recommended.

I went to a counselor and she said "well he can't help being that way, but he can try to do something about it". One could say the same for an addict. They can't help being an addict. But they CAN try to do whatever they can to help themselves.

I am taking some time off from relationships now to work on myself so that I will not get involved in more messed up relationships.

There have always been red flags in the beginning...I just ignored them...

Maybe I can't help being codependent, but I can try and do something about it!

Sometimes like you i wonder why i could let these things happen.

I think we need to not be overly hard on ourselves. We can learn from mistakes and learn how not to repeat them.

Just before i posted this. My ex tried to call me. I didn't answer!!!!

You can do this !!!!
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Old 06-05-2007, 08:36 PM
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JS,

Welcome to SR. You've found a great source of support in the good people here. They understand what you are going through, so make yourself at home.

You said it best, "You do not want to live like this the rest of your life." You are also very smart in seeing that the changes need to be made in you, not just the addict. And besides, I know couples where the addict got sober/clean and they were still (the couple) just as miserable. That's the problem....we think if the drinking and drugging go away, we'll have this fairytale relationship. WRONG!

I'd recommend finding some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area. I can't stress how much they have helped me. I found that by going to those meetings and following the 12 step program, I HAVE been able to change the way I think, therefore changing my behavior. And those things are key to who I allow and don't allow in my life. So, if you want to change yourself so you'll stop this pattern of picking addicted men, meetings would be a great place to start.

And JS, it is NEVER too late to start over. I know this sounds so easy for me to say, but it isn't. But I KNOW, JS...I KNOW because at middle age I have changed myself and my life by working a 12 step program. Now ask me would I go back to the old way I used to live. NEVER. I pray I NEVER have to go back to that life of stinkin' thinkin'.

I pray you'll find some meetings and go and continue to go. And in the meantime, just ask you HP to help you through this. He will because He is in control.

Hugs and prayers,
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:58 PM
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Thanks everyone for the support! I am going to check out some meetings, read Codependcy No More again and have no contact with him what so ever. I am going to focus on myself and my kids right now and learn how to change myself so we can have a better life without the men that have been giving me drama in my life. Thanks again!!! I am trying to stay strong!!
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Old 06-06-2007, 02:11 PM
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sorry that you are going through this, there is good advice above and i agree with them all. you are not alone here so i just want to welcome you and pray for you and yours
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Old 06-06-2007, 02:16 PM
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JS,

Just a little note. Recovery is sloooooooooooooooow. Will power alone won't do it. That's why I recommend reading here and face to face meetings. The only way I got better was to feed myself good recovery daily. I tend to backslide very easily if I don't work at it everyday.

Just remember, you did not get this way overnight so the change won't come overnight either. Best approach I could tell you is start today and do it one day at a time .... slow and steady will pay off.

Big hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 06-06-2007, 04:17 PM
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Welcome JS. Glad you found SR, sorry for your situation. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum. My favorite that helped me so much and was a real eye opener was "What Addicts Do." Learn all you can about addiction. Keep reading and posting here... you'll find so much encouragement and support from others who are going through or have gone through what you are.

And remember the 3 C's of addiction... you didn't Cause it, you can't
Control it, and you can't Cure it.
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Old 06-06-2007, 04:41 PM
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Hi, I am new here. I feel so confused and lost. I feel like I am alone, but I have the best family in the world. They are supporting. But, I have had a relationship with this guy for 14 years. I have always been understanding, but I was so wrapped up after being so pleasant and cooperative as well as supportive for everyone else; I lost myself and substituted an addition for my comfort. Now, 3/4 years later I am regretting everything. I feel that I cannot get back up. I start school in July, but I really want to stop this addition, but I let the saddness & confusion get the best of me.
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Old 06-06-2007, 09:04 PM
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Just want to jump in here, and welcome you JS.
Lots of good, positive, thoughts coming your way...
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Old 06-07-2007, 11:02 AM
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Just wanted to check in and tell everyone how I have been doing. I have had no contact with him still. Has been since Monday so that is good for me! I told him on Monday that this time I am going to be really strong. So far so good.

I started reading Co Dependent No More again and again see all the signs of myself being co-dependent. What is really weird is when I finally left my ex-boyfriend that was an alcoholic I read this book and thought I was doing better and then got into the relationship with my boyfriend that is now doing drugs. At least this time I didn't waste as much time as last time (3 1/2 Years) and I saw the signs and am starting walk away early on and realize that the way I am acting is not healthy.

Thanks for all the encouragement!!! I am looking forward to living a better life!
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Old 06-07-2007, 03:34 PM
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Talking

I'm so happy to hear that!!

you won't be sorry.
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Old 06-07-2007, 04:39 PM
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Hi Jsjohnson72,
I quickly scanned through a Co-Dependency book at Barnes & Nobles (a bookstore; free read time in store); I too noticed that I am a co-dependent. At first, in my relationship I was not in this stage; after losing control while working on my job, I later learned that I have grown to be co-dependent. It is not a good feeling, after finding out I am additive in many ways I cannot seem to pick myself up. Just say I do not know what direction to take to bring myself back. I left my husband because I lost myself in the relationship, so this is a long going habit for me being co-dependent. But, I feel okay to know that I am not alone and there is support.
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Old 06-07-2007, 04:41 PM
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just wanted to welcome you! keep posting, k
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Old 06-07-2007, 04:49 PM
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New Here Need Advice

Thanks for the welcom parentrecovers. This is a big step for me!
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