Starting To Feel Bad For My AS
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Starting To Feel Bad For My AS
My AS has been back in jail 2 wks & 2 days. He cannot call me since I have a collect block on my phone. He had relatives of fellow inmates call my parents & he has written my parents letters & I have stayed strong. I have told my mom not to take the phone calls & even when she tries to read me the letters he has written I tell her please don't I don't want to know anything about whats going on in his life.................it hurts too much. Since he has been in he also keeps calling his brother. My SS took his first phone call but has refused all others but AS keeps calling him, up to 9 times in a row. He tried to call him again tonite then SS called me to ask what he should do. I told him not to take his phone calls. Then my SS says AS is saying " Please Bro, pick up " All of a sudden I found myself feeling bad for him.
Up till now I have been really angry with my AS but I still love him very much & am starting to think how he must feel all alone in jail & noone in his family will even talk to him.
Help!!!
Diane
Up till now I have been really angry with my AS but I still love him very much & am starting to think how he must feel all alone in jail & noone in his family will even talk to him.
Help!!!
Diane
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is a 40yr old man, he has created this circumstance, he has done everything in his power to get where he is. He has a roof over his head, three squares and lots of people to talk to, he will be fine. Time to face the music, if you all stick together he may finally understand his addiction and his behavior is not acceptable, and will not be tolerated.
If he were 18, I would feel differently, but at 40, it's now or never, he is a middle aged man, behaving like an 18 yr old kid. Different age, different rules.
To me, now is not the time to be wishy washy, stick to your guns, for him, not you.
I do not mean to sound harsh, I know how difficult this is, but, this may be his last chance to turn his life around, give him that chance.
All said with love,
Dolly
If he were 18, I would feel differently, but at 40, it's now or never, he is a middle aged man, behaving like an 18 yr old kid. Different age, different rules.
To me, now is not the time to be wishy washy, stick to your guns, for him, not you.
I do not mean to sound harsh, I know how difficult this is, but, this may be his last chance to turn his life around, give him that chance.
All said with love,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
I know that it's hard to not pick up those calls, especially when they start to sound so desperate...but, you have your boundaries, and only you can either enforce them or readjust them. I agree with the others that time alone may just be the best thing for your son, but I also understand that you love him and it's hard.
If you want to readjust your boundaries, maybe you could start small, by sending him a letter (with maybe some NA literature enclosed, tee hee.) You can tell him what you want to without having to pay a fortune in collect calls to do it, and without interruption. Sending a letter doesn't mean you have to give money, accept collect calls, or go to visits. It can simply mean "I love you, I support any good decisions you make, and wish you only the best."
If you want to readjust your boundaries, maybe you could start small, by sending him a letter (with maybe some NA literature enclosed, tee hee.) You can tell him what you want to without having to pay a fortune in collect calls to do it, and without interruption. Sending a letter doesn't mean you have to give money, accept collect calls, or go to visits. It can simply mean "I love you, I support any good decisions you make, and wish you only the best."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
It is one of the most difficult things to do - not taking the phone calls. I've done it both ways and find that there isn't an easy answer. Just do what you belive is best and stick to it. My son is an older addict, too. We don't love them any less. It's very hard to watch such wasted lives. I did find that the times my son was incarcerated, I would up worrying less after the initial shock. I knew there was nothing I could do and actually found some peace in that because as long as there was a way to "help", I'd be there.
I hope you find peace during the storm.
I care. Washbe
I hope you find peace during the storm.
I care. Washbe
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Diane,
Having both of my sons in prison at one time or another, I know how hard this is for you.
I am surprised he hasn't written you a letter.
The bottom line is do what YOU feel comfortable doing. If you feel okay writing him a letter, do so. Chances are he's nice and sober right now, and he may be able to hear what you're saying.
Hugs,
Having both of my sons in prison at one time or another, I know how hard this is for you.
I am surprised he hasn't written you a letter.
The bottom line is do what YOU feel comfortable doing. If you feel okay writing him a letter, do so. Chances are he's nice and sober right now, and he may be able to hear what you're saying.
Hugs,
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
You might try getting to an open AA meeting - or see if there is an AA speaker meeting this week. Listening to those guys share about what it took to get them sober is INCREDIBLY good for my hope.
Plus, it only takes one or two of them to say how grateful they are to the woman or mother who finally said "no" and meant it... that helps me.
(((hugs)))
Plus, it only takes one or two of them to say how grateful they are to the woman or mother who finally said "no" and meant it... that helps me.
(((hugs)))
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hey Rozied,
You know that you and I are in the same boat.
I know your pain, I know the bleating of the addict for his momma. It's pitiful, and it tears our hearts out.
As a parent who loves our son, the pain of their suffering causes us twice the pain. But, without their going through the consequenses of their own actions, how will they ever learn to stop doing it? And, if we continue to enable, then the pain continues and never stops for us and our child.
As I write, I am talking to myself too, Rozied.
You are being strong, and you are doing the right thing. He will eventually get the message and stop calling. He'll settle into the life he made and he'll live with it. Then, one day he will get out. And with any luck and sense he'll wonder if that's what he wants for the rest of his life.
Keep the faith, lean on God. Things get better. I have been through the jail things with my youngest non addicted son for 9 years now. I hardly know him since he was 17 because all but 1.5 years of this time he's been in jail.
Now the older is in jail because of drugging.
I have all my children in jail Rozied. But, God is helping me through this. I actually have many good days with peace in my heart about the whole mess.
You will too. It will come to you.
Take care my friend.
You know that you and I are in the same boat.
I know your pain, I know the bleating of the addict for his momma. It's pitiful, and it tears our hearts out.
As a parent who loves our son, the pain of their suffering causes us twice the pain. But, without their going through the consequenses of their own actions, how will they ever learn to stop doing it? And, if we continue to enable, then the pain continues and never stops for us and our child.
As I write, I am talking to myself too, Rozied.
You are being strong, and you are doing the right thing. He will eventually get the message and stop calling. He'll settle into the life he made and he'll live with it. Then, one day he will get out. And with any luck and sense he'll wonder if that's what he wants for the rest of his life.
Keep the faith, lean on God. Things get better. I have been through the jail things with my youngest non addicted son for 9 years now. I hardly know him since he was 17 because all but 1.5 years of this time he's been in jail.
Now the older is in jail because of drugging.
I have all my children in jail Rozied. But, God is helping me through this. I actually have many good days with peace in my heart about the whole mess.
You will too. It will come to you.
Take care my friend.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Diane, Sending hugs...I think you know what works for you, so trust yourself. There is lots of great expereince and hope in the responses you received. I know this is very hard for you and for your SS too...Those desperate calls are tough and it is sad to hear them pleading. I personally like the idea of a letter...I think for me..if I was in that situation, writing one would be comforting to me because I'd think it would be comforting to my kid. But that is just me...we all are different and htere is no magic answer. Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
((((rozied)))) i know how you hurt.my son has done the same things,leaving the messages.it makes you feel ready bad sometimes.this is part of their consequences.it could also make me madder than heck that he would call & call up to 50 times a day knowing i was not going to answer.,almost like he was punishing me.they have time on their hands & my son just stays on the phone calling whoever.turn him back over to your H.P. maybe this will be the time he learns his lesson.i am saying a prayer for you & him both.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((((Rozied))))))))))))
Sending you love, hugs, prayers, and lots o' support tonight, Diane.
I know how your feeling too. When my son was in jail, it tore my heart out
everytime the phone would ring and he would be yelling into the phone...
"Please let me talk to you for a minute, mom. Please."
I eventually would hang up as soon as the recording from the jail would start.
He stopped calling, but I started visiting. lol
He started playing cards, reading, and yes, he did fit in. He got use to it, and even admitted that if he weren't in jail, he'd be out using.
That is what kept me strong. He stayed there for 6 months, even though I could have bonded him out. I learned my lesson from that too. lol
It's tough, but your tougher. You can get through this and so will he.
He still has a chance at sobriety. He has to make that decision, though.
It'll be easier to make if he knows what the consequences will be if he has to do time again. I pray he gets it this time.
Loving hugs and prayers for you, too.
From one mom to another, with love,
Linda
Sending you love, hugs, prayers, and lots o' support tonight, Diane.
I know how your feeling too. When my son was in jail, it tore my heart out
everytime the phone would ring and he would be yelling into the phone...
"Please let me talk to you for a minute, mom. Please."
I eventually would hang up as soon as the recording from the jail would start.
He stopped calling, but I started visiting. lol
He started playing cards, reading, and yes, he did fit in. He got use to it, and even admitted that if he weren't in jail, he'd be out using.
That is what kept me strong. He stayed there for 6 months, even though I could have bonded him out. I learned my lesson from that too. lol
It's tough, but your tougher. You can get through this and so will he.
He still has a chance at sobriety. He has to make that decision, though.
It'll be easier to make if he knows what the consequences will be if he has to do time again. I pray he gets it this time.
Loving hugs and prayers for you, too.
From one mom to another, with love,
Linda
Last edited by bookmiser; 05-30-2007 at 09:46 PM.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
What wonderful support + suggestions here. I like the idea of writing a letter and maybe he'll write ya back and a dialogue can start that way. He is in a place to learn some lessons that he wasn't able to learn before. hopefully, he'll get it now.
I am so sorry you have to go through this for so many yrs. There is always hope. Sometimes when they're in jail it is the only time we can relate to them, because they're sober.
I am so sorry you have to go through this for so many yrs. There is always hope. Sometimes when they're in jail it is the only time we can relate to them, because they're sober.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I cannot possible thank you ALL enough for this hugh show of support. They say if you have 1 true friend you are blessed................OH MY Goodness I had 14 responses............I am tearing up & feel so full of graditude. Thank you each & everyone.
I agree as to the letter, in fact I did write him one & mailed about 2 days ago. In it I told him I cannot deal with any of this anymore as it hurts too much. I also told him that if money could have helped him he would be fine by now but how can anyone help someone who is hell bent on destroying themselves & no matter how much help he gets he keeps throwing himself under the bus. I told him the only way he can get help is to help himself. Until he does I told him I cannot have a relationship with him. That is how I feel right now. Yes it is hard especially last nite when he was begging his brother to pick the phone up. BUT then my SS called & said he had 2nd thoughts & was about to answer the phone when AS started threatening him. SS was FURIOUS & DID NOT ANSWER. Said Mom after all he has done to hurt me now he is threatening me. AS has used SS's identity a few times with drivers license & SS took an 18 month suspension cuz of his brother plus tons of other abuse over the yrs. He said let him sit in jail now all alone & think how he has hurt everyone in our family. Today SS is putting collect block on his phone or changing the number to a non published one.
So far I haven't recieved any letters. He cannot call me cuz of collect block but he hasn't even had someone else call me. I guess hes mad at me!!!
Then last nite about 11pm I saw a message on my answering machine. It was my ex saying he wanted to know how things were going & he'd call another time! Just what I DON'T NEED. I deleted it & did not tell my husband. I would like to change my number but hubby's family had it for 50 yrs & he doesn't want to change it & by gosh why should he, he is an innocent by stander in all this drama. I think I will get caller id. My hubby is not feeling good from all this stress & doesn't need to know that dead beat called again. We have enough going on with SS's problems. Hubby is tired from helping me watch SS's 2 little ones & we have had to help him financially since his unemployment stopped & he has gone bk to wk. Babysitting is 3 nites a wk from Fri to Sun then we have them till Monday. He wks from 6pm till 5am so the boys stay with us. Then he goes to school Tuesdays & Thursdays from 6-9pm & we watch them again. It is alot at our age.
My carpal tunnel is acting up & I have to go get the 5 yr old to th bus. Talk to you all later.
Love & Hugh Hugs To You All,
Diane
I agree as to the letter, in fact I did write him one & mailed about 2 days ago. In it I told him I cannot deal with any of this anymore as it hurts too much. I also told him that if money could have helped him he would be fine by now but how can anyone help someone who is hell bent on destroying themselves & no matter how much help he gets he keeps throwing himself under the bus. I told him the only way he can get help is to help himself. Until he does I told him I cannot have a relationship with him. That is how I feel right now. Yes it is hard especially last nite when he was begging his brother to pick the phone up. BUT then my SS called & said he had 2nd thoughts & was about to answer the phone when AS started threatening him. SS was FURIOUS & DID NOT ANSWER. Said Mom after all he has done to hurt me now he is threatening me. AS has used SS's identity a few times with drivers license & SS took an 18 month suspension cuz of his brother plus tons of other abuse over the yrs. He said let him sit in jail now all alone & think how he has hurt everyone in our family. Today SS is putting collect block on his phone or changing the number to a non published one.
So far I haven't recieved any letters. He cannot call me cuz of collect block but he hasn't even had someone else call me. I guess hes mad at me!!!
Then last nite about 11pm I saw a message on my answering machine. It was my ex saying he wanted to know how things were going & he'd call another time! Just what I DON'T NEED. I deleted it & did not tell my husband. I would like to change my number but hubby's family had it for 50 yrs & he doesn't want to change it & by gosh why should he, he is an innocent by stander in all this drama. I think I will get caller id. My hubby is not feeling good from all this stress & doesn't need to know that dead beat called again. We have enough going on with SS's problems. Hubby is tired from helping me watch SS's 2 little ones & we have had to help him financially since his unemployment stopped & he has gone bk to wk. Babysitting is 3 nites a wk from Fri to Sun then we have them till Monday. He wks from 6pm till 5am so the boys stay with us. Then he goes to school Tuesdays & Thursdays from 6-9pm & we watch them again. It is alot at our age.
My carpal tunnel is acting up & I have to go get the 5 yr old to th bus. Talk to you all later.
Love & Hugh Hugs To You All,
Diane
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
PS The whole family totally turning their backs is the ONE thing that hasn't been tried. The last time he was in he got a taste of it as my parents did not go visit or send any money. I did help him get a tv last time & I think I was sending him a $20 money order once a month.... all the other times my mom made sure he had whatever he said he needed & sent him enough money to live comfortably. I did not visit for 7 months so he has gotten a small taste of really having none of his family & because of that he did do better than he has ever done in the 6 yrs since this jail thing started. This time he manged to stay out 9 months which is the longest he has been free in 6 yrs. So cutting him 100% loose is the ONLY thing left to do & I am doing it & I really think my parents are also.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Hey girl.. coming in late on this.. just lending support and hugs to you. You know I am here if you need a friend!
I have nothing really to add.. it sounds like the whole family is doing tough love and that has never happened before to your AS. It will certainly save your sanity (and yoru family's sanity) and it may even provide your AS a chance to save his own!
I like the letter thing. He can write back if he wants to. The phone is so easy.... best to not answer it. Caller ID is a good investment.
You are doing great. ((((Diane))))
I have nothing really to add.. it sounds like the whole family is doing tough love and that has never happened before to your AS. It will certainly save your sanity (and yoru family's sanity) and it may even provide your AS a chance to save his own!
I like the letter thing. He can write back if he wants to. The phone is so easy.... best to not answer it. Caller ID is a good investment.
You are doing great. ((((Diane))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Know it's hard for you , an your hurting. Your letter was great letting him know you still love him, but not what he does. Want you to know also that your an inspiration to me, I hope someday I can be as strong for my child as your being for yours.
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