Trying to stay strong and move on - LONG
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My husband has had 6 therapists. Some he didn't click with, so he moved on. A few he has been ghosted by the therapist.
Do you think there is something about him that some therapists just don't want to work with him?
Do you think there is something about him that some therapists just don't want to work with him?
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Could be a number of things but the one that comes to mind is he is an alcoholic.
If he is looking for therapy to help stop drinking, I'm sure they would be happy to help him. If he just wants to keep on drinking and won't be swayed from that, what's the point? It's kind of impossible to know where to start when someone is drunk.
Addicts can be very narcissistic, delusional (denying he even has a problem). Maybe he was only going to therapy to please you but I doubt any therapist, except the worst, would waste their time on someone who isn't interested in making changes.
If he is looking for therapy to help stop drinking, I'm sure they would be happy to help him. If he just wants to keep on drinking and won't be swayed from that, what's the point? It's kind of impossible to know where to start when someone is drunk.
Addicts can be very narcissistic, delusional (denying he even has a problem). Maybe he was only going to therapy to please you but I doubt any therapist, except the worst, would waste their time on someone who isn't interested in making changes.
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I've been crying on and off today. I know he is not the person I married - but I am mourning that person and what I thought our future was going to be. I look around my house and there are so many memories.
I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who would never put me in the position of thinking I had been cheated on.
because I'm codependent - I probably would stick around for the alcoholic shenanigans. even though I've had enough with that too.
I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who would never put me in the position of thinking I had been cheated on.
because I'm codependent - I probably would stick around for the alcoholic shenanigans. even though I've had enough with that too.
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Just keep going to Al-Anon meetings, do not stop, and keep seeing your therapist, for at least a year. I don't think you will get well without this. There has been significant trauma to you from your husband's abuse and there has been significant trauma to your children. You say you have a great relationship with your children. But they live with chronic daily trauma, so the great relationship may really be their attempt to keep up a facade so that you will not crumble. Or rage. (not at them, but at your husband).
"My oldest doesn't want to be home anymore."
"My 8 year old repeats what he heard my husband saying....that he hates me, that I am evil...."
You haven't found your bottom yet, toomanychances, but maybe infidelity will bring it. If it is his infidelity, I believe it will be the gift that brought you to your bottom. Because once you hit a true bottom,you will be completely CHANGED. You WILL NOT BE ABLE to continue living as you have. And you will do whatever it takes to escape the hell you are living. And the hell your children are also living.
I have a 6 year old granddaughter with loving parents. I cannot imagine her in a home like yours. Your children should not have to suffer witnessing such abuse.
Something in your early years has made you able to endure your husband's verbal lashings, his threats, his attacks, his ongoing (for years!) chaos and crisis and blaming everyone other than himself--blaming YOU most of all. You have been able to endure all of it and stay with him. You even say that if he's not cheating on you that today you "probably would stick around for the alcoholic shenanigans" (those shenanigans have given you PTSD). Something in your history, likely your family of origin, has set you up to be able to tolerate this life, this marriage. And whatever happened to you, you can be healed. It was not your fault. And you do not have to live in pain.
Stay in Al-Anon. Stay in therapy. You will work out the why of it all. You are honest, you are willing, and I believe you can find peace and serenity if you do your work in recovery.
"My oldest doesn't want to be home anymore."
"My 8 year old repeats what he heard my husband saying....that he hates me, that I am evil...."
You haven't found your bottom yet, toomanychances, but maybe infidelity will bring it. If it is his infidelity, I believe it will be the gift that brought you to your bottom. Because once you hit a true bottom,you will be completely CHANGED. You WILL NOT BE ABLE to continue living as you have. And you will do whatever it takes to escape the hell you are living. And the hell your children are also living.
I have a 6 year old granddaughter with loving parents. I cannot imagine her in a home like yours. Your children should not have to suffer witnessing such abuse.
Something in your early years has made you able to endure your husband's verbal lashings, his threats, his attacks, his ongoing (for years!) chaos and crisis and blaming everyone other than himself--blaming YOU most of all. You have been able to endure all of it and stay with him. You even say that if he's not cheating on you that today you "probably would stick around for the alcoholic shenanigans" (those shenanigans have given you PTSD). Something in your history, likely your family of origin, has set you up to be able to tolerate this life, this marriage. And whatever happened to you, you can be healed. It was not your fault. And you do not have to live in pain.
Stay in Al-Anon. Stay in therapy. You will work out the why of it all. You are honest, you are willing, and I believe you can find peace and serenity if you do your work in recovery.
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Your gut instincts are right, you have just perhaps forgotten to trust them.
You have someone that you could, at one time, love and trust who now says what a horrible person you are, cruel, inflicting pain on them etc. He's lashing out at you because what is the alternative? Looking in the mirror and seeing what he has done/is doing. The alternative to that would be to say he is an angry alcoholic, which would imply he should get treatment, that's not going to happen, at least not anytime soon.
You can stick around, but this will get worse. While, over time, you have learned to cope with this escalation, in some way, his alcoholism is progressing.
One other thing to consider is he is very angry and defensive. There is no guarantee he is going to stick around. As strange as it sounds that he might leave you, he just might. He has to protect his addiction, you are an enemy to that addiction.
At this point, he is not trustworthy.
You have someone that you could, at one time, love and trust who now says what a horrible person you are, cruel, inflicting pain on them etc. He's lashing out at you because what is the alternative? Looking in the mirror and seeing what he has done/is doing. The alternative to that would be to say he is an angry alcoholic, which would imply he should get treatment, that's not going to happen, at least not anytime soon.
You can stick around, but this will get worse. While, over time, you have learned to cope with this escalation, in some way, his alcoholism is progressing.
One other thing to consider is he is very angry and defensive. There is no guarantee he is going to stick around. As strange as it sounds that he might leave you, he just might. He has to protect his addiction, you are an enemy to that addiction.
At this point, he is not trustworthy.
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Lucyinthegarden - wow. I never thought of it that I needed to hit my bottom. You are so right. I honestly don't know what trauma I had in my childhood. It was your typical middle-class upbringing. But you are right - my kids have the trauma of living with an alcoholic and the trauma of divorced parents. I'm going to ask my therapist for referrals for my kids.
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trailmix - things have gotten so bad that he wants a divorce too. Right now he isn't drinking - but isn't in recovery. So I hear you about it progressing.
I do think my instincts are right - and I think all the suspicious stuff is true. I have just been gas lit into believing him over my gut.
It is coming to the realization that the suspicious stuff is true - and that my heart is broken that is making me cry a lot.
I was reading last night about when to leave an alcoholic - some articles said when your family and friends start telling you because they see things more objectively. There is not one person who thinks I should stay with him - well my 8 year old but that's it..
I'm just taking your advice and dumping here when I need to. I don't journal - this is the closest thing I have to that.
I do think my instincts are right - and I think all the suspicious stuff is true. I have just been gas lit into believing him over my gut.
It is coming to the realization that the suspicious stuff is true - and that my heart is broken that is making me cry a lot.
I was reading last night about when to leave an alcoholic - some articles said when your family and friends start telling you because they see things more objectively. There is not one person who thinks I should stay with him - well my 8 year old but that's it..
I'm just taking your advice and dumping here when I need to. I don't journal - this is the closest thing I have to that.
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(((((toomanychances)))))
Very grateful for you sharing your story here. It's what helps all us desperate loved ones of A's feel welcome and seen... thank you.
Honestly, even in this short time since you started posting look at how your thinking has evolved and how much perspective you've gained It does give hope - it's an example that once we start to do the hard work on OURSELVES, even though it HURTS, our lives can and do change and ultimately will get so much better and healthier.
For all of the awful things that alcoholism has done to my family I try to remind myself that this terrible disease is also what pushed me into a journey of self-reflection and self-compassion, what I see as an endless opportunity in MY life to be honest with myself, to deal with my own setbacks and problems, to stop focusing on the As problems and on what I think will "help them" which keeps me trapped in a loop of absolute codependent madness.
So I'm grateful that at some point my pain was so deep that I sought out and accepted help and that has made, and continues to make through life's many trials, all the difference for me.
Peace.
B
Very grateful for you sharing your story here. It's what helps all us desperate loved ones of A's feel welcome and seen... thank you.
Honestly, even in this short time since you started posting look at how your thinking has evolved and how much perspective you've gained It does give hope - it's an example that once we start to do the hard work on OURSELVES, even though it HURTS, our lives can and do change and ultimately will get so much better and healthier.
For all of the awful things that alcoholism has done to my family I try to remind myself that this terrible disease is also what pushed me into a journey of self-reflection and self-compassion, what I see as an endless opportunity in MY life to be honest with myself, to deal with my own setbacks and problems, to stop focusing on the As problems and on what I think will "help them" which keeps me trapped in a loop of absolute codependent madness.
So I'm grateful that at some point my pain was so deep that I sought out and accepted help and that has made, and continues to make through life's many trials, all the difference for me.
Peace.
B
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My H uses soberlink twice a day so I know he isn't drinking. He doesn't use it when traveling... even though I've asked. He was fine last night. Today - he is in bed all day. He didn't use soberlink last night or this morning and when I asked him to do it because he wanted to take our son somewhere he flipped out on me. If he wasn't acting all depressed and angry - I wouldn't have asked but his behavior is concerning.
He is also yelling at me because my rage has torn him to shreds and my friends are supportive of me but they don't know what I've done to him. I definitely have a short fuse and have told my friends - and they all laugh it off and say they are the same way. My therapist knows and said to me - it seems like you have a lot of shame around this. It is on my personal inventory of things to work on.
He's also yelling at me that I don't know how hard he works and 75% of our income is from him (which is true) - but I have said MANY times he could get a less stressful job and we could live on less. We'd just need to budget and tell our kids no from time to time. and it isn't fair because when we divorce he will be paying for everything but not with the kids.... finances are definitely a concern as we live in a high cost of living area - but we can't stay together because it will cost us too much to live separate. Even today he is upset with me and then my 8 year old asks - what are you two talking about and why are you getting divorced. This can't stay the same. It is the definition of insanity - when you keep doing the same things but expect a different result.
I did another zoom meeting this afternoon for al anon. This group made me feel very positive and loved. So when he's yelling at me this time I'm just being patient and listening.
and he's like you'll rage again. I said I can't promise I won't but I'm working on me - and you can't promise you won't drink (even though I really think he did already today).
I just confirmed it - we have life 360. He went to get my daughter dunkin this am and I can see he also went to the wine/liquor store. what an ass. it makes me sick he wanted to drive our son and a friend to a playground. I have to travel next week for work - if he doesn't test I will have friends on stand by ready to intervene if needed.
He is also yelling at me because my rage has torn him to shreds and my friends are supportive of me but they don't know what I've done to him. I definitely have a short fuse and have told my friends - and they all laugh it off and say they are the same way. My therapist knows and said to me - it seems like you have a lot of shame around this. It is on my personal inventory of things to work on.
He's also yelling at me that I don't know how hard he works and 75% of our income is from him (which is true) - but I have said MANY times he could get a less stressful job and we could live on less. We'd just need to budget and tell our kids no from time to time. and it isn't fair because when we divorce he will be paying for everything but not with the kids.... finances are definitely a concern as we live in a high cost of living area - but we can't stay together because it will cost us too much to live separate. Even today he is upset with me and then my 8 year old asks - what are you two talking about and why are you getting divorced. This can't stay the same. It is the definition of insanity - when you keep doing the same things but expect a different result.
I did another zoom meeting this afternoon for al anon. This group made me feel very positive and loved. So when he's yelling at me this time I'm just being patient and listening.
and he's like you'll rage again. I said I can't promise I won't but I'm working on me - and you can't promise you won't drink (even though I really think he did already today).
I just confirmed it - we have life 360. He went to get my daughter dunkin this am and I can see he also went to the wine/liquor store. what an ass. it makes me sick he wanted to drive our son and a friend to a playground. I have to travel next week for work - if he doesn't test I will have friends on stand by ready to intervene if needed.
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I guess one thing to consider here is that he doesn't want a different job? Can't really fault him for wanting to make money. His priorities when it comes to life and family and work may be different from yours. It may even (alcoholism aside) make you two incompatible.
So this part I'm confused about, why are you just patiently listening to him when he's yelling at you? Why would you let anyone yell at you like that?
These are really just rules each of you are trying to get the other to conform to? You will not rage at him, he will not drink. Rules are really for children only. They depend on another person to follow your rule, adults don't really work that way.
You can have a boundary - I will not live with an active addict. I will not live with someone who does not treat me with respect and kindness. If either of these is the case, I will leave (or the other person will, depending on the circumstance).
The difference being, that is completely in your control, you don't have to count on him to keep a promise he isn't going to keep.
He is drinking whenever he can get away with not using soberlink.
Please know you can't trust him anymore, he lies to you, he's not your friend, he doesn't have you or your children's best interests at heart. He is an addict and his first alliance is to the drug, before you or them or work or friends and other family, probably before himself.
When you are away next week and a child needs to be picked up and he won't provide a soberlink reading, then what? He won't be waiting for your friend to show up perhaps and even if they just arrive, what will they arrive to?
Sometimes when someone is feeling really overwhelmed, I will say, hold on! The house isn't actually on fire, nothing needs to actually be done right this second, but as for him watching them while you are gone or driving them anywhere, that's a bit of a house on fire situation.
Do you mean you don't have the resources to live separately from him?
I did another zoom meeting this afternoon for al anon. This group made me feel very positive and loved. So when he's yelling at me this time I'm just being patient and listening.
and he's like you'll rage again. I said I can't promise I won't but I'm working on me - and you can't promise you won't drink (even though I really think he did already today).
and he's like you'll rage again. I said I can't promise I won't but I'm working on me - and you can't promise you won't drink (even though I really think he did already today).
These are really just rules each of you are trying to get the other to conform to? You will not rage at him, he will not drink. Rules are really for children only. They depend on another person to follow your rule, adults don't really work that way.
You can have a boundary - I will not live with an active addict. I will not live with someone who does not treat me with respect and kindness. If either of these is the case, I will leave (or the other person will, depending on the circumstance).
The difference being, that is completely in your control, you don't have to count on him to keep a promise he isn't going to keep.
I just confirmed it - we have life 360. He went to get my daughter dunkin this am and I can see he also went to the wine/liquor store. what an ass. it makes me sick he wanted to drive our son and a friend to a playground. I have to travel next week for work - if he doesn't test I will have friends on stand by ready to intervene if needed.
Please know you can't trust him anymore, he lies to you, he's not your friend, he doesn't have you or your children's best interests at heart. He is an addict and his first alliance is to the drug, before you or them or work or friends and other family, probably before himself.
When you are away next week and a child needs to be picked up and he won't provide a soberlink reading, then what? He won't be waiting for your friend to show up perhaps and even if they just arrive, what will they arrive to?
Sometimes when someone is feeling really overwhelmed, I will say, hold on! The house isn't actually on fire, nothing needs to actually be done right this second, but as for him watching them while you are gone or driving them anywhere, that's a bit of a house on fire situation.
finances are definitely a concern as we live in a high cost of living area - but we can't stay together because it will cost us too much to live separate.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
i guess one thing to consider here is that he doesn't want a different job? Can't really fault him for wanting to make money. His priorities when it comes to life and family and work may be different from yours. It may even (alcoholism aside) make you two incompatible.
I'm not good at quoting. His job is very stressful and puts him in situations where alcohol is free flowing and he travels a lot. It really isn't good for someone trying to stay sober. I fell in love with him because he was ambitious - among other things - but now i'm to the point where making a ton of money is less important than his health. But that is his decision.
So this part i'm confused about, why are you just patiently listening to him when he's yelling at you? Why would you let anyone yell at you like that?
Honestly, this time i was wondering what his was going to say. I was also trying to figure out what was going on.
These are really just rules each of you are trying to get the other to conform to? You will not rage at him, he will not drink. Rules are really for children only. They depend on another person to follow your rule, adults don't really work that way.
I'm trying to be done raging - that is something i can control. I can't control whether he drinks (see that's progress right?)
you can have a boundary - i will not live with an active addict. I will not live with someone who does not treat me with respect and kindness. If either of these is the case, i will leave (or the other person will, depending on the circumstance).
I can't leave yet. Neither of us wants to 'abandon' the house.
The difference being, that is completely in your control, you don't have to count on him to keep a promise he isn't going to keep.
He is drinking whenever he can get away with not using soberlink.
Please know you can't trust him anymore, he lies to you, he's not your friend, he doesn't have you or your children's best interests at heart. He is an addict and his first alliance is to the drug, before you or them or work or friends and other family, probably before himself.
When you are away next week and a child needs to be picked up and he won't provide a soberlink reading, then what? He won't be waiting for your friend to show up perhaps and even if they just arrive, what will they arrive to?
I have to think thru this more - i have to travel but i can hire a sitter. I have done it before.
Sometimes when someone is feeling really overwhelmed, i will say, hold on! The house isn't actually on fire, nothing needs to actually be done right this second, but as for him watching them while you are gone or driving them anywhere, that's a bit of a house on fire situation.
Do you mean you don't have the resources to live separately from him?
I'm not good at quoting. His job is very stressful and puts him in situations where alcohol is free flowing and he travels a lot. It really isn't good for someone trying to stay sober. I fell in love with him because he was ambitious - among other things - but now i'm to the point where making a ton of money is less important than his health. But that is his decision.
So this part i'm confused about, why are you just patiently listening to him when he's yelling at you? Why would you let anyone yell at you like that?
Honestly, this time i was wondering what his was going to say. I was also trying to figure out what was going on.
These are really just rules each of you are trying to get the other to conform to? You will not rage at him, he will not drink. Rules are really for children only. They depend on another person to follow your rule, adults don't really work that way.
I'm trying to be done raging - that is something i can control. I can't control whether he drinks (see that's progress right?)
you can have a boundary - i will not live with an active addict. I will not live with someone who does not treat me with respect and kindness. If either of these is the case, i will leave (or the other person will, depending on the circumstance).
I can't leave yet. Neither of us wants to 'abandon' the house.
The difference being, that is completely in your control, you don't have to count on him to keep a promise he isn't going to keep.
He is drinking whenever he can get away with not using soberlink.
Please know you can't trust him anymore, he lies to you, he's not your friend, he doesn't have you or your children's best interests at heart. He is an addict and his first alliance is to the drug, before you or them or work or friends and other family, probably before himself.
When you are away next week and a child needs to be picked up and he won't provide a soberlink reading, then what? He won't be waiting for your friend to show up perhaps and even if they just arrive, what will they arrive to?
I have to think thru this more - i have to travel but i can hire a sitter. I have done it before.
Sometimes when someone is feeling really overwhelmed, i will say, hold on! The house isn't actually on fire, nothing needs to actually be done right this second, but as for him watching them while you are gone or driving them anywhere, that's a bit of a house on fire situation.
Do you mean you don't have the resources to live separately from him?
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No problem following it all!
From what you have described, he doesn't sound at all like someone interested in quitting drinking at this time, or changing jobs. If he changed jobs and was home more and didn't travel, he wouldn't get as much time to drink, for one thing. But yes, as you said, that's all up to him.
Yes it is! This is actually a huge step. You might notice that you start to get a whole new perspective about all of this. It also means that you are starting to detach. Codependent no more may be in your future sooner than you think.
I can understand that. If this wasn't such a contentious parting, you could even consider making part of the house his and part yours and some common areas. Co-parenting would be easier but really, under these circumstances, I can't see that working very well. On the other hand, if this will be years rather than a few months, I would absolutely do it. Not sure if you have a basement area, or maybe a garage you could develop, for instance, or some part of the house that could be "his". As long as it was clear he wasn't welcome to visit when he's been drinking. It would kind of be making the best of a bad situation.
One other thing to consider is that, since he is still drinking and driving, at anytime he or someone else could get hurt. If he is sued, which he inevitably would be, that might mean you will have next to no assets. If you have legal separation where you live, that might be an option, otherwise a divorce, to protect yourself.
My Father was an alcoholic and yes, it does affect children in different ways. I don't consider myself a "victim", it was what it was (my Mom was great), It tends to produce a large tolerance for less than stellar treatment from people, that can surface in different ways, with horrible employers, romantic relationships or even friendships, or a shying away from one or all of those to avoid that. And lots of other things.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
Don't you find this comment from him really odd? Of all things to bring up, this happened a few years ago and he's still resentful about it (and why the heck is that).
His job is very stressful and puts him in situations where alcohol is free flowing and he travels a lot. It really isn't good for someone trying to stay sober. I fell in love with him because he was ambitious - among other things - but now i'm to the point where making a ton of money is less important than his health. But that is his decision.
I'm trying to be done raging - that is something i can control. I can't control whether he drinks (see that's progress right?)
I can't leave yet. Neither of us wants to 'abandon' the house.
One other thing to consider is that, since he is still drinking and driving, at anytime he or someone else could get hurt. If he is sued, which he inevitably would be, that might mean you will have next to no assets. If you have legal separation where you live, that might be an option, otherwise a divorce, to protect yourself.
My Father was an alcoholic and yes, it does affect children in different ways. I don't consider myself a "victim", it was what it was (my Mom was great), It tends to produce a large tolerance for less than stellar treatment from people, that can surface in different ways, with horrible employers, romantic relationships or even friendships, or a shying away from one or all of those to avoid that. And lots of other things.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
His new thing now is that I have caused him pain by yelling at him and not letting up, by snooping all the time, by being someone he couldn't confide in (because of my reaction to his cheating friend). The pain I have caused him is worse than the pain he caused me.
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You might find these papers helpful:
https://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/...lcoholics.html
I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work
The addict insists that he will not be able to make a living or that he will no longer be successful if forced to "give up" the increasingly harmful and destructive behaviors caused by his addiction. He may regard the latter as "the cost of doing business." In the vast majority of cases, of course, his addiction has already begun to impair his work performance, his judgment, and his interpersonal relations.
I'd be OK if it weren't for you
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
https://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/...lcoholics.html
I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work
The addict insists that he will not be able to make a living or that he will no longer be successful if forced to "give up" the increasingly harmful and destructive behaviors caused by his addiction. He may regard the latter as "the cost of doing business." In the vast majority of cases, of course, his addiction has already begun to impair his work performance, his judgment, and his interpersonal relations.
I'd be OK if it weren't for you
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
No problem following it all!
I can understand that. If this wasn't such a contentious parting, you could even consider making part of the house his and part yours and some common areas.
Don't you find this comment from him really odd? Of all things to bring up, this happened a few years ago and he's still resentful about it (and why the heck is that).
I can understand that. If this wasn't such a contentious parting, you could even consider making part of the house his and part yours and some common areas.
Don't you find this comment from him really odd? Of all things to bring up, this happened a few years ago and he's still resentful about it (and why the heck is that).
I tried to put him in the basement - he refused. I tried to say let's have a custody schedule while we are both living here - he refused.
I kind of find that comment odd - but then again, I'm holding onto things that happened in 2017 (the woman he was "friends" with). I think it is dumb to have a competition about who has been hurt more. I also hope that someday he will be in recovery and will realize I wasn't as bad as he made me out to be - that is was the alcohol brain talking. I think he has made me out to be terrible to justify his behaviors - and by that I mean the suspected cheating.
Thank you for the articles!
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So 3/15 he was supposed to come home that night. He called me at 3 am that he messed up and drank and couldn't drive home. that's good he was smart enough not to drive. however, I had breakfast plans on 3/16 that I had to cancel because of HIM.
Then he came home on 3/16 at 7:30 (he had said he would be home before dinner) and proceeded to text me saying I'm a liar, I only think of myself, I harm the children, I'm repulsive and disgusting and I should F off. My 8 year old heard this all because he did voice to text.
So any hopes of an amicable divorce are squashed. Ever since I started therapy, posting here, watching tik toks on narcissists/abuse/alcoholism and joining AA meetings - I have been much more calm. I may still rage - but for the time being I'm doing ok.
So I backed up his heinous texts and sent the to my lawyer and said we need to expedite this. I go off on him cheating and drinking - and when drinking he can't be a good dad - but he accused me of being a bad mother, when let's face it - I'm the stability my kids have.
I have also learned that codependency is not love. And the things he was texting me are delusional. He said I refused to tell him where our daughter was... well, you were out all night and all day - I had it under control and you never asked. That isn't refusing - if he wanted to know of course I would tell him!
I also removed him from life 360. He has always hated it and said I track him. well, when I did track him it was because something horribly wrong had happened and I'd rescue him. He paused his location on life 360. The first time i said if he does it again I'll remove him. he begged to be back on it for the kids. Well he paused it again and I removed him. He can have his own circle with the kids. It is definitely anxiety provoking for me - but I needed to rip the band aid off and stop watching out for him.
I feel very used and like I was his supply. I really think he will move on quickly with someone else.
I found this quote and I just keep reading it.
"I remember crying to my best friend 'what if I leave and he treats his next girl exactly how I've been begging him to treat me?'
and she responded with something I'll never forget: 'what if you find someone that'll give you everything without ever asking?'
Then he came home on 3/16 at 7:30 (he had said he would be home before dinner) and proceeded to text me saying I'm a liar, I only think of myself, I harm the children, I'm repulsive and disgusting and I should F off. My 8 year old heard this all because he did voice to text.
So any hopes of an amicable divorce are squashed. Ever since I started therapy, posting here, watching tik toks on narcissists/abuse/alcoholism and joining AA meetings - I have been much more calm. I may still rage - but for the time being I'm doing ok.
So I backed up his heinous texts and sent the to my lawyer and said we need to expedite this. I go off on him cheating and drinking - and when drinking he can't be a good dad - but he accused me of being a bad mother, when let's face it - I'm the stability my kids have.
I have also learned that codependency is not love. And the things he was texting me are delusional. He said I refused to tell him where our daughter was... well, you were out all night and all day - I had it under control and you never asked. That isn't refusing - if he wanted to know of course I would tell him!
I also removed him from life 360. He has always hated it and said I track him. well, when I did track him it was because something horribly wrong had happened and I'd rescue him. He paused his location on life 360. The first time i said if he does it again I'll remove him. he begged to be back on it for the kids. Well he paused it again and I removed him. He can have his own circle with the kids. It is definitely anxiety provoking for me - but I needed to rip the band aid off and stop watching out for him.
I feel very used and like I was his supply. I really think he will move on quickly with someone else.
I found this quote and I just keep reading it.
"I remember crying to my best friend 'what if I leave and he treats his next girl exactly how I've been begging him to treat me?'
and she responded with something I'll never forget: 'what if you find someone that'll give you everything without ever asking?'
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 49
oh and when he said he messed up friday night - I said you made a choice. You chose not to take antabuse days ago so it would be out of your system and you chose to drink. I imagine alcohol addiction is hard and I can't comprehend how hard. I have an eating addiction which is not the same I know.. but I'm medicated and it helps. So maybe if he stayed on his meds that have been prescribed he would be doing better and not still drinking. I did say - tell whoever you are with that you are going down fast because he has already lost so much and regained it - it can be lost again and this time forever - like his freedom if he gets another DUI.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,530
I think that getting your lawyer on board with all of the texts is a very good idea. 
s
As is expediting this divorce and getting this version of this man out of your life.
Thinking of you and sending love (and smiling at your strength xx).
sAs is expediting this divorce and getting this version of this man out of your life.
Thinking of you and sending love (and smiling at your strength xx).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by toomanychances
oh and when he said he messed up friday night - I said you made a choice. You chose not to take antabuse days ago so it would be out of your system and you chose to drink. I imagine alcohol addiction is hard and I can't comprehend how hard. I have an eating addiction which is not the same I know.. but I'm medicated and it helps. So maybe if he stayed on his meds that have been prescribed he would be doing better and not still drinking. I did say - tell whoever you are with that you are going down fast because he has already lost so much and regained it - it can be lost again and this time forever - like his freedom if he gets another DUI.
Addiction is hard for people, manageable for some, unmanageable for others, but he doesn't want to quit right now anyway.
All that aside, he is delusional and that's dangerous. Please be really aware around him? If you must be around him, try to talk as little as possible and just watch him. While, from the outside, it all seems whacky and non-sensical, when he texts you:
a liar, I only think of myself, I harm the children, I'm repulsive and disgusting and I should F off
Now it really does sound like he is referring to himself, but in that moment, that's not clear to him. That should be scary.
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