Bekindalways

Heya TMC, This sounds so dang tough. I'm glad you found us and horrified at what has brought you.

Huge kudos for documenting everything you can and getting a lawyer.

Tina Swithin of One Mom's Battle has a lot of information on divorcing a narcissist. Even if your AH is more alcoholic than narcissistic, you might find her information helpful.

Keep taking that next right step and please take care of yourself.

Bernadette

[QUOTE=toomanychances;8038434]venuscat - thanks - I wish this was like Facebook and I could like your reply.


I know right? We used to have a THANKS button on here, for years, and one day it went away (I thought it was temporarily gone till they updated the site or something) but it still hasn't come back...

Peace,
B

toomanychances

well, he continues to call me a toxic, raging monster. Oh and repulsive with mental disorders.

I asked today - because it has been 12 days since we last talked - if he made a decision about the house. He hasn't and said there are a lot of considerations. Ok... so what are they?

We agreed we'd talk about this stuff to save money with the lawyers. He got all flustered. I said I don't want to be living with him when he starts dating. - I didn't say this - but I was living with him when he cheated. He accused me of starting to rage at him and that my mind was racing.

So more gaslighting. I said no - I'm not raging and my mind is not racing - but I want to move quickly. I've been calm since 2/27 - and I plan to stay that way. When he spews his venom at me - I just acknowledge and move on. I'm not defending or giving a response.

He also told me the other day that I will rage at the kids and he will take them from me. This is in text so I'll share with my lawyer. I have been angry over the years - I feel like I've been reacting to the manipulations, projection, lying, and gaslighting he has subjected me to.

I talked to my friends and I'm going to start documenting when I listen to podcasts and which ones, when I join al anon meetings, and when I meet with my therapist. I'm working on myself which is more than he is doing right now.

And I read something on another recent post - I think my husband wanted attention from other women and had affairs because he was chasing that drug. Somehow he doesn't realize marriage doesn't have to have dopamine hits all the time.

I'm now to the point where I know 100% I'll be happier divorced.

toomanychances

something just hit me - my husband told me oldest he was looking at 55+communities because he is almost 54. He just went grocery shopping and I bet he is stopping by open houses. I wish he would just be honest with me - his decisions impact me. but why would he start now?

Bekindalways

Ugh TMC. This sounds just so hard. In spite of all the hardships, you seem to be doing all the right things. Your determination to stay calm in responding to him sounds like the "Grey Rock" technique that is recommended to use with Narcissists.

Please take care of yourself and take that next right step no matter how small.

Courage and strength to you fine person!

toomanychances

hi, me again...

I'm trying to figure out what is real and what isn't with my H. I know in time this won't matter - I think he is being a dry drunk - these are his specific symptoms:

Feeling like you're always the victim
Anger and resentment towards family and friends who intervened in your drinking
Not acknowledging the problems your substance abuse caused

I know he hasn't been sober - but he's not drinking every day.

Back in June/July he was seeing a therapist and was so remorseful for things he had done and begging me to reconsider divorce. Crying about losing me.

Between then and now - there have been other alcohol things and non-alcohol things and I have at times flown off the handle.

Now I get messages like this:

"I hope to heal at some point in the future and I don't know if I can ever heal but people have been through far worse and somehow survive so I'm sure I can. I have been toxically damaged so badly by you - the damage to me that you have inflicted does not even allow me to stay for the kids."

He says I deflect and am defensive and that I lie.... I fully admit I snooped and yelled. I can take partial blame for the demise of our marriage - lately I think he is blaming it all on me.

Is this the disease? I'm just so confused as to what is going on.

He is telling me that he will resist all urges to correct the lies and ******** he hears. I'm not the liar. He tells me my mind is racing (times when it isn't) and that I am making things up and calling them fact. He tells me I only think of myself...and that I'm cryptic.

This is all projection right? This is what he is doing and turning it around on me?

trailmix

What this is - alcoholism.

He's not sober, even if he isn't drinking as much, even if he takes a couple of days off - most alcoholics who aren't too far gone in their addiction can do that, they generally suffer but they can get through it.

It absolutely sounds like he is deflecting. What is the alternative for him? He could say, I have been a raging drunk, I've abused you and everyone else at some point, sometimes often. I am careless with others and think only of my next drink.

He is in no state of mind to be making heartfelt confessions - maybe someday - maybe not.

But it is surely not your problem anymore. Try to think of yourself with some kind of shield around you - like a big bubble. Whenever he hurls this stuff at you it just bounces back.

I know you believe you can't leave, but delusional people are dangerous, please keep being aware (and block him in text maybe?).

You know, you should never, ever let someone speak to you like that. You don't deserve that, ever. He has no right to sling these things your way.

LucyIntheGarden

Hello TMC, I feel a lot of dread when I read your recent posts, I feel he is unraveling. Do you remember Glenn Close's performance in "Fatal Attraction"? How she unraveled when she did not get what she wanted? He is reminding me of her. He reminds me of the witches in the fairy tales who shriek violently when they are thwarted. I am worried for your safety.

Be making a plan to move out of the house as soon as possible, is my suggestion.

I left my house, all those years ago, to protect myself and my son from my alcoholic husband. Professor Jekyll during the day and Monster Hyde in the evening. I moved out when he was away long enough that I could get some things out of the house and I moved into a little apartment and I never went back. I never regretted how it set me back financially. Never. I knew in my gut that in a drunken rage he could snap my neck if he wanted. Set fire to the house. I'd had him arrested once, when my son and I had to flee the house.The universe, God, let me know then and there what I needed to do. I am telling you, we cannot predict what someone will do in the psychosis of alcoholism. And I tell you this too: there are clues. Leading up to catastrophe, there are always clues. And women ignore them at their peril.

I would be seriously looking at leaving that house and filing for divorce ASAP from a safer distance.

In your life, he is your greatest threat.

toomanychances

@trailmix - I think I let him say these things to me because I know I have raged at him in the past. I have yelled at him for doing stupid stuff when drunk, for not talking to my friends, etc.

@lucyinthegarden - funny you should mention fatal attraction. He told me my rage was some rabbit boiling $hit.

I too feel a sense of dread - not for my safety (which I appreciate everyone here being concerned) but that he is going to mess up big soon. This morning I saw a cup in the sink and it had soap bubbles in it - he drinks water - why would it have soap in it. So I suspect he drank yesterday. He left this am for a work trip and didn't do soberlink - so again more reason to think he drank. I really think he will be drinking the next two nights and I'm worried - but there is nothing I can do. He is supposed to go to my daughter's college on Friday - and I have this suspicion he will miss the train and ruin her weekend. Usually when I feel this way - something bad happens. I removed him from life 360 - which makes me anxious - but I can't use it to see if he's ok - and that's not my role anymore.

toomanychances

@trailmix, I shouldn't have yelled then - but he shouldn't be doing this now. We can both be wrong at the same time.

LucyIntheGarden

tmc,

If you had sat in as many Al-Anon meetings as I did over the years, you would know that your "rage" and "yelling" are very common in the alcoholic marriage. Emotions are ramped up to the max, and the armor that usually keeps us civilized is shattered.

I hope you are at least physically safe. Just listen to your body, you have instincts that can alert you.

All his moaning and self-pity reminds me of the phrase passed around in AA, "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink."

And, yes, he drank yesterday and today and will drink tomorrow and the next day and the day after that....or is planning to. He's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. If he hasn't had a drink it doesn't mean the alcohol is out of his system. Or that his pre-frontal cortex is functioning normally and he is rational.

So: now that you have accepted that nothing you do will: (a) make him stop drinking or make him start drinking or (b) make him treat you with loving kindness.....all you can do is continue on your path toward health and happiness.

toomanychances

lucyinthegarden,

You are right. I went to a friend's tonight who got divorced last year. We weren't good friends previously - but she said she wanted to pay it forward and help me because so many helped her get through it. I told her everything - more than most of my friends know. I have a lot of friends - just not a lot who are divorced. It was so helpful to have someone who gets it. She doesn't get the alcoholic behavior - but gets that we deserve better. We only have so many years and we should spend them happy. I have been dealing with this for 8 years. It is enough.

trailmix

In a "normal" relationship, these things would be talked out. You're yelling at me, I'm yelling at you, what are we going to do about it. Maybe marriage counselling etc etc. It either gets fixed or that's that.

There won't be any apologies worth giving or receiving at this point. None of this is "normal". It can be helpful to really accept that - there is nothing normal here.

I was married to someone once upon a time who liked to yell. Well I don't know if he liked it but he had a lightning fast temper and would never back down. Maybe half an hour later (after I had finally shut down the "discussion" because it was getting to that point where he might hit me) he would come back and say - yeah I guess you are right.

But in the moment, he would argue until - yes, it reached that point. It's not rational, it's defensive. Anyway, long story short, we got divorced and guess what, I'm not really an arguer, I don't really yell and I knew that about myself really.

Now, if you are a person who is quick to temper or rage, that is absolutely something to work on, then again it may be circumstantial, you probably know which it is. Doesn't make either "right" just understandable.

Anyway, that's water under the bridge. You are divorcing him! You are basically no longer in a marriage. Time to drop the weapons. You don't owe him anything. I'm sure you have apologized for yelling at some point, maybe many points, that's done.He doesn't get to berate you at will, please don't let him do that to you.

toomanychances

My sense of dread was right on. I got a call at 2:30 that he was in the hospital in NYC. Someone called an ambulance because they were concerned. I talked to him this morning and he was all "don't worry you'll get life insurance money" and the "kids will be fine without me". And "I'm not his problem".

This is a roller coaster and I'm getting off.

trailmix

I'm glad. It's nice that you were concerned and called, but he is ok and that's that.

He needs help, maybe he will get it there, but I suspect he will just check himself out of the hospital as soon as possible and carry on.

Bekindalways

Good to hear this TMC.

I know lawyers are expensive but he might not be functional enough for you two to separate on your own.

Please keep taking care of yourself and your "side of the street" and let us know how i is going.

toomanychances

An update - this is becoming my journal

Wednesday night of last week - H was taken to a hospital because people were concerned. Thursday night it happened again. He was out of town last week.

We found out about Thursday night because he mistakenly facetimed my 8 year old son. It lasted 2 seconds but my son saw his dad with police officers around. He said - mom I think dad is in trouble - I think he's being arrested. He wasn't - the police officer was a special agent who got my H an ambulance to a hospital. But in years - my son will probably remember this and think that was traumatic.

My H did meet us at my daughter's college - but he smelled and his hair was a mess.

I have kept my cool and haven't yelled - but I'm still trying to control the situation by telling him he has to get help. This will keep progressing and get very bad - he will end up dead or in jail. I look at Wednesday and Thursday like he overdosed - and if it was Heroin - he'd probably be dead. I'm not leaving the kids with him alone and he isn't driving them. I'm supposed to travel for work at the end of the month and I really don't want to tell my boss I can't go - but I might have no choice but to skip it. I almost filed for emergency custody - and still might. He has two weeks to get help and then I'm doing something drastic.

This disease is baffling. And my H is at conference dinners this week and is traveling next week - I'm just putting my phone on do not disturb and going to bed - and praying he stays alive and employed.

toomanychances

yes, you were right - he just carried on and had a repeat experience.

Bekindalways

It is so horrific to watch what alcohol and drugs will do to wonderful people. Our helplessness in the face of this destruction is the crux of our suffering.

Keep posting TMC. Many of us have gotten through times like these but being in the midsts of it is terrible.

It was good to see you have a friend who gets the pain of a wrecked relationship. Ugh.

venuscat

I would go for the emergency custody order if I were you; this guy shouldn't be around his kids.

If they have admitted him to the ER twice this week, surely someone can order him hospitalised for 72 hours to get sober and be treated. I hope so.