Control, Anxiety and Waiting for the Next Relationship
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Originally Posted by NewHeart 
There has been one thing on my mind and heart which is staying with me
I feel a lot of regret and sadness over how I treated my parents as an adolescent and in my 20s. My mom suffered from anorexia and alcoholism she became sober when I was in my early 20s. It took me a long time to stop playing victim and to realize how much resentment i was carrying and how I had not appreciated the love she had given me all those years.
I also have a twin sister who has a drug addiction. I spent my teenage years and 20s picking her up and making excuses for her until the point she put my life in danger and when I realized she was an addict. It made me go back to my parents and talk to them about all those years I thought they were abusing her it turned out they were trying to control her addiction.
I went through the al anon 12 steps made amends and have a wonderful relationship with them now but there are moments of deep regret and sadness over how far I pushed away the people who love me the most. I love my sister but I am very sad and disappointed that the rupture promoted between my parents and I were to feed something so useless and destructive as a drug addiction.
I feel a lot of regret and sadness over how I treated my parents as an adolescent and in my 20s. My mom suffered from anorexia and alcoholism she became sober when I was in my early 20s. It took me a long time to stop playing victim and to realize how much resentment i was carrying and how I had not appreciated the love she had given me all those years.
I also have a twin sister who has a drug addiction. I spent my teenage years and 20s picking her up and making excuses for her until the point she put my life in danger and when I realized she was an addict. It made me go back to my parents and talk to them about all those years I thought they were abusing her it turned out they were trying to control her addiction.
I went through the al anon 12 steps made amends and have a wonderful relationship with them now but there are moments of deep regret and sadness over how far I pushed away the people who love me the most. I love my sister but I am very sad and disappointed that the rupture promoted between my parents and I were to feed something so useless and destructive as a drug addiction.
You know what I mean? So you went and got that information, you acted, you did the 12 steps, you made amends. Can you not give yourself credit for that, for taking action? Maybe work on forgiving yourself for what you didn't know?
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Yes I think I am being too hard on myself here too by expecting myself to have already known it. When I did know I was brave and changed dramatically the direction of my life and was willing to put in the hard work
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NewHeart.......I agree that you need to give yourself more credit for what you have done. I think that making amends, that you have, is a very significant thing.
You know---life is hard and we are all flawed, in some way...nobody is perfect all the time.
It sounds like they have forgiven you.....but, I think that forgiving yourself is more of the issue, now...?
You say that your mother suffered from anorexia and alcoholism, during your early years;
I believe that it would be of help to you to study the Big Book and literature of the organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics". The guilt that you feel, is one of the residual effects of having a parent that was an alcoholic when you were a child.
You can get the Big Book and other literature and workbooks on amazon.com, in the book section. And, your local library, as well.
Just go to amazon.com ...to the book section...and google "Adult Children of Alcoholics"
I think a lot of it will resonate with you.
You know---life is hard and we are all flawed, in some way...nobody is perfect all the time.
It sounds like they have forgiven you.....but, I think that forgiving yourself is more of the issue, now...?
You say that your mother suffered from anorexia and alcoholism, during your early years;
I believe that it would be of help to you to study the Big Book and literature of the organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics". The guilt that you feel, is one of the residual effects of having a parent that was an alcoholic when you were a child.
You can get the Big Book and other literature and workbooks on amazon.com, in the book section. And, your local library, as well.
Just go to amazon.com ...to the book section...and google "Adult Children of Alcoholics"
I think a lot of it will resonate with you.
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Dandylion
I will look that up because I also feel that my guilt kept me in poor romantic relationships and in my co dependent one with my sister
I also want to add that your story about your daughter is helpful to me. I reference it a lot when I feel left behind. She was able to love her life and recognize we all have different paths. It’s helpful for me to recognize I can love my life even if it doesn’t look like how it should according to what I think it should look like
I will look that up because I also feel that my guilt kept me in poor romantic relationships and in my co dependent one with my sister
I also want to add that your story about your daughter is helpful to me. I reference it a lot when I feel left behind. She was able to love her life and recognize we all have different paths. It’s helpful for me to recognize I can love my life even if it doesn’t look like how it should according to what I think it should look like
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I wanted to update after doing some ACOA reading
I had more space and time with my decisions apart from my sister and I had left that one relationship where I had only been prized for my fertility to a new one. My current boyfriend already has a daughter who is 7 years old. I enjoy having her in my life and I feel I have some of the benefits of parenthood without all of the sacrifice which doesn’t interest me since I have such a full life. I work full time as an occupational therapist and that’s going well. My boyfriend flips houses and has a painting business which is growing and we want to expand both particularly in investment properties as we would like to increase the amount of rental properties we live on.
I got my basic scuba diving license and will be going for my advanced next month. My boyfriend and his daughter Are going to come and watch me get my advanced. He loves that I love his daughter and am a good role model for her and he wants her to see who I am. He has told me we don’t ever have to have a child we can make a good life for just the two of us and I can enjoy parenting if that’s what I want. He also said that in the future if I change my mind we can have a child if that is my desire. My parents have also talked with me about how they don’t need a grandchild and they said I am lucky that my boyfriend already has a daughter so I can enjoy the best parts of parenthood and have grandchildren without sacrificing all the other parts of my life. So the decision has no pressure from my boyfriend or parents and they are not withdrawing love based on me having children or not.
I also did a solo skydive, go rock climbing weekly, go to the gym weekly, and have a scuba trip planned in October for coral reef restoration. I love environmental conservation. I’ve been out primitive camping and traveling to see family across the US this year.
I still have some ups and downs about having a child but my life is more stable and positive. I think a lot of it is wrapped up in my worth as a woman and fear of the future being lonely instead of actual desire for the job. The possibility of being a step mom is showing me that a lot of my thinking is very black and white. I have to go 100 percent in on the parenting and make it my life or have no children at all in my life. Being a step mom allows me to do part time parenting with a long term relationship. It shows me a less black and white view of the world. I think further work has to be done on seeing my inherent worth as a person and with the therapy around being an adult child from an addicted family I’ve learned that black and white thinking and finding worth through other people and rigid lives and thinking is a result. I’m always looking for the role that will make me useful so I am allowed to have space. I did that in the military and now trying to do that with motherhood. But that’s a fantasy in my head. I just want to let life take me where it wants to go instead of controlling it and that might mean. I keep on having an idea of the timeline of my life and that I’m failing if I don’t hit this time and I am somehow behind but that is a fantasy
I had more space and time with my decisions apart from my sister and I had left that one relationship where I had only been prized for my fertility to a new one. My current boyfriend already has a daughter who is 7 years old. I enjoy having her in my life and I feel I have some of the benefits of parenthood without all of the sacrifice which doesn’t interest me since I have such a full life. I work full time as an occupational therapist and that’s going well. My boyfriend flips houses and has a painting business which is growing and we want to expand both particularly in investment properties as we would like to increase the amount of rental properties we live on.
I got my basic scuba diving license and will be going for my advanced next month. My boyfriend and his daughter Are going to come and watch me get my advanced. He loves that I love his daughter and am a good role model for her and he wants her to see who I am. He has told me we don’t ever have to have a child we can make a good life for just the two of us and I can enjoy parenting if that’s what I want. He also said that in the future if I change my mind we can have a child if that is my desire. My parents have also talked with me about how they don’t need a grandchild and they said I am lucky that my boyfriend already has a daughter so I can enjoy the best parts of parenthood and have grandchildren without sacrificing all the other parts of my life. So the decision has no pressure from my boyfriend or parents and they are not withdrawing love based on me having children or not.
I also did a solo skydive, go rock climbing weekly, go to the gym weekly, and have a scuba trip planned in October for coral reef restoration. I love environmental conservation. I’ve been out primitive camping and traveling to see family across the US this year.
I still have some ups and downs about having a child but my life is more stable and positive. I think a lot of it is wrapped up in my worth as a woman and fear of the future being lonely instead of actual desire for the job. The possibility of being a step mom is showing me that a lot of my thinking is very black and white. I have to go 100 percent in on the parenting and make it my life or have no children at all in my life. Being a step mom allows me to do part time parenting with a long term relationship. It shows me a less black and white view of the world. I think further work has to be done on seeing my inherent worth as a person and with the therapy around being an adult child from an addicted family I’ve learned that black and white thinking and finding worth through other people and rigid lives and thinking is a result. I’m always looking for the role that will make me useful so I am allowed to have space. I did that in the military and now trying to do that with motherhood. But that’s a fantasy in my head. I just want to let life take me where it wants to go instead of controlling it and that might mean. I keep on having an idea of the timeline of my life and that I’m failing if I don’t hit this time and I am somehow behind but that is a fantasy
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NewHeart......it sure sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself through studying the "Adult Child of Alcoholics" literature!
I am so glad that you were wiling to actually read it.
In my life, I have had several close friendhips with people who were raised in an alcoholic home---and I have always been impressed at how much pressure that they seem to place on themselves. And, sooo self-critical of themselves.
Personally, I think that every person who has been raised in an alcoholic home owes it to themselves to , at least, read the literature and material of the group
"Adult Children of Alcoholics". Actually joining a group would be wonderful, also.
I am so glad that you were wiling to actually read it.
In my life, I have had several close friendhips with people who were raised in an alcoholic home---and I have always been impressed at how much pressure that they seem to place on themselves. And, sooo self-critical of themselves.
Personally, I think that every person who has been raised in an alcoholic home owes it to themselves to , at least, read the literature and material of the group
"Adult Children of Alcoholics". Actually joining a group would be wonderful, also.
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Today I was talking to my co workers about my boyfriend and hus daughter. They both started talking about how if they did not have children they would be lonely in their 60s. They are in their 60s noe and they find people who do not have their own children sad and missing out. That is my biggest fear that I will find my life sad and lonely if I don't give birth to my own.
I can get on board of relaxing now in my 30s about being a step mom but I am afraid I will have serious regret if I don't take control and have one now before my fertility slips away so I have a meaningful life when I'm older and not feel lonely.
I was feeling better about relaxing into my life and now I feel silly and naive and missing out on the greatest experience of my life.
I can get on board of relaxing now in my 30s about being a step mom but I am afraid I will have serious regret if I don't take control and have one now before my fertility slips away so I have a meaningful life when I'm older and not feel lonely.
I was feeling better about relaxing into my life and now I feel silly and naive and missing out on the greatest experience of my life.
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I have a child, he is busy living his life. There is no big family gathering around the living room fireplace, eating cookies and discussing everyone's day. He works, he has responsibilities, he doesn't want to have children. What these women are talking about is quite foreign to me.
It sounds like people just following a narrative of this planned out life. Graduate from High School, go to college (maybe), get a job, get married have 2-3 children, work, retire at 65, settle down with the children and grand children.
I guess it happens, but you can't bet on it. People (including your own children) do what they want to do, they aren't beholden to keep you company. What if they move across the country?
I don't know it just sounds very black and white (as you mentioned) to me and it's not, in my experience.
My Mom had 3 children. One lived in New Zealand for many years then in the same city as her, one lives in Texas and one in another state. That seems more realistic to me.
Is this not a lot of expectation about something that hasn't even happened? Seems like a lot of pressure to put on a child - you will entertain me and keep me company. Your expectation or thoughts on what he/she will be and what they are, could be miles apart.
It sounds like people just following a narrative of this planned out life. Graduate from High School, go to college (maybe), get a job, get married have 2-3 children, work, retire at 65, settle down with the children and grand children.
I guess it happens, but you can't bet on it. People (including your own children) do what they want to do, they aren't beholden to keep you company. What if they move across the country?
I don't know it just sounds very black and white (as you mentioned) to me and it's not, in my experience.
My Mom had 3 children. One lived in New Zealand for many years then in the same city as her, one lives in Texas and one in another state. That seems more realistic to me.
Originally Posted by NewHeart
so I have a meaningful life when I'm older and not feel lonely. so I have a meaningful life when I'm older and not feel lonely.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
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Originally Posted by NewHeart
Today I was talking to my co workers about my boyfriend and hus daughter. They both started talking about how if they did not have children they would be lonely in their 60s. They are in their 60s noe and they find people who do not have their own children sad and missing out.
Originally Posted by NewHeart
I can get on board of relaxing now in my 30s about being a step mom but I am afraid I will have serious regret if I don't take control and have one now before my fertility slips away so I have a meaningful life when I'm older and not feel lonely.
I was feeling better about relaxing into my life and now I feel silly and naive and missing out on the greatest experience of my life.
I was feeling better about relaxing into my life and now I feel silly and naive and missing out on the greatest experience of my life.
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Originally Posted by trailmix;[url=tel:7821556
7821556[/url]]I have a child, he is busy living his life. There is no big family gathering around the living room fireplace, eating cookies and discussing everyone's day. He works, he has responsibilities, he doesn't want to have children. What these women are talking about is quite foreign to me.
It sounds like people just following a narrative of this planned out life. Graduate from High School, go to college (maybe), get a job, get married have 2-3 children, work, retire at 65, settle down with the children and grand children.
I guess it happens, but you can't bet on it. People (including your own children) do what they want to do, they aren't beholden to keep you company. What if they move across the country?
I don't know it just sounds very black and white (as you mentioned) to me and it's not, in my experience.
My Mom had 3 children. One lived in New Zealand for many years then in the same city as her, one lives in Texas and one in another state. That seems more realistic to me.
Is this not a lot of expectation about something that hasn't even happened? Seems like a lot of pressure to put on a child - you will entertain me and keep me company. Your expectation or thoughts on what he/she will be and what they are, could be miles apart.
It sounds like people just following a narrative of this planned out life. Graduate from High School, go to college (maybe), get a job, get married have 2-3 children, work, retire at 65, settle down with the children and grand children.
I guess it happens, but you can't bet on it. People (including your own children) do what they want to do, they aren't beholden to keep you company. What if they move across the country?
I don't know it just sounds very black and white (as you mentioned) to me and it's not, in my experience.
My Mom had 3 children. One lived in New Zealand for many years then in the same city as her, one lives in Texas and one in another state. That seems more realistic to me.
Is this not a lot of expectation about something that hasn't even happened? Seems like a lot of pressure to put on a child - you will entertain me and keep me company. Your expectation or thoughts on what he/she will be and what they are, could be miles apart.
I think there is a fear that there is meaningless if I don’t do childcare. That that is the most important work in the world and everything else is second best since love is the most important thing in the world.
I think when I talk about loneliness it isn’t necessarily that that child has to be near me but more the knowledge that they will live on after I die and that someone knows me and cares about me when I get old. But maybe that is black and white. After all those same people said that they couldn’t imagine life without grandchildren. You will not have grandchildren and yet I don’t imagine you being lonely and having a meaningless existence.
And let’s say I do have a child. Will I go through the same existential crisis if they decide to not have children that my life is meaningless. I feel like if I don’t deal with this now I would.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
Ouch! Talk about people projecting their expectations and fears onto you! Whatever they've got going on in their lives that they need to get "judgy" about others being sad and missing out -- red flag, this is how they feel about themselves. I would not want to go any further than that, what they said clearly tells me they have issues that are none of your business.
Don't for a minute allow other people to trample your peace. If you are making progress in your reality, and you feel comfortable in your current relationships with your boyfriend and his child, enjoy this time. Who knows, these relationships could become your family in the days, months, and years to follow. And loneliness? That is dependent on you. Having a child, spouse, family, you could have all those people in your life and still be lonely. It is the peace and enjoying the blessings you have in the present, today, that staves off loneliness.
Don't for a minute allow other people to trample your peace. If you are making progress in your reality, and you feel comfortable in your current relationships with your boyfriend and his child, enjoy this time. Who knows, these relationships could become your family in the days, months, and years to follow. And loneliness? That is dependent on you. Having a child, spouse, family, you could have all those people in your life and still be lonely. It is the peace and enjoying the blessings you have in the present, today, that staves off loneliness.
You walked me beautifully through that and I am sure I am not the first person to really wrestle with these questions
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Hey Newheart, you are wrestling with some important questions. I would think your life will be unique; as far as I can tell what works for one person may not work for someone else.
I'm pushing 60 and never married. I probably would have been appalled if I knew this would be my life but with time I have realized it is right for me. I'm Christian and as far as I can tell, Christ never said anything about anyone having to have kids. Maybe he did but it wasn't recorded.
My life can be sad and lonely but not nearly as sad and lonely as if I would have married. I would not be a good partner.
I am involved with my family and community as much as possible. Right now I'm taking care of my Great nieces. It is indeed tedious work but important.
It took me a long time to figure out and accept myself and my life.
Best to you as you wrestle with all of this.
I'm pushing 60 and never married. I probably would have been appalled if I knew this would be my life but with time I have realized it is right for me. I'm Christian and as far as I can tell, Christ never said anything about anyone having to have kids. Maybe he did but it wasn't recorded.
My life can be sad and lonely but not nearly as sad and lonely as if I would have married. I would not be a good partner.
I am involved with my family and community as much as possible. Right now I'm taking care of my Great nieces. It is indeed tedious work but important.
It took me a long time to figure out and accept myself and my life.
Best to you as you wrestle with all of this.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hey Newheart, you are wrestling with some important questions. I would think your life will be unique; as far as I can tell what works for one person may not work for someone else.
I'm pushing 60 and never married. I probably would have been appalled if I knew this would be my life but with time I have realized it is right for me. I'm Christian and as far as I can tell, Christ never said anything about anyone having to have kids. Maybe he did but it wasn't recorded.
My life can be sad and lonely but not nearly as sad and lonely as if I would have married. I would not be a good partner.
I am involved with my family and community as much as possible. Right now I'm taking care of my Great nieces. It is indeed tedious work but important.
It took me a long time to figure out and accept myself and my life.
Best to you as you wrestle with all of this.
I'm pushing 60 and never married. I probably would have been appalled if I knew this would be my life but with time I have realized it is right for me. I'm Christian and as far as I can tell, Christ never said anything about anyone having to have kids. Maybe he did but it wasn't recorded.
My life can be sad and lonely but not nearly as sad and lonely as if I would have married. I would not be a good partner.
I am involved with my family and community as much as possible. Right now I'm taking care of my Great nieces. It is indeed tedious work but important.
It took me a long time to figure out and accept myself and my life.
Best to you as you wrestle with all of this.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,017
Originally Posted by NewHeart
Do you think it would have been easier if you had lived the traditional life path? Do you feel like you missed out by not having your own biological kids?
I should probably tell you, I'm a depressive and a do-gooder. I do not want to inflict my mental health on someone else. Staying single to me has become a way to do good in this world.
I feel strongly that any path I chose was giving up another one. This is just life. I could have lived a more traditional life but that would mean giving up the life I have lived. . . . . . irk . . . .I suppose this idea can be paralyzing specially when young. All I could do was make the best decisions I could at the time. I do struggle to forgive many of my past shortcomings but I just keep working on it.
Newheart, you might have to struggle with this for awhile. I wish I could say something to give you peace but all I can do is give you a bit of electronic camaraderie as you make your way in this thorny world.
Peace and courage to you brave person!
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