Bewilderd

I have just sent an alcoholic family member to hell. I have had as little contact as possible with her for some time now, but even that is a like treading on hot coals. She cannot restrain herself or keep from treating me with extreme agression, scorn, derision, and it swings from occasionally being normal to mostly being abusive. I say abusive because not once has she ever explicitly asked me to stop doing something specific. The hatred is thrown at everything I am, do, say.

I will not interiorise it or put up with it. I have asked her to stop, repeatedly, but she doesn't, can't, or won't. She is sadistic. I cannot recognise her from who she used to be. She has abused different substances for 30 years. Other living family members will not recognise the problem. With them, she turns on the charisma, sweetness and caring appearance that I no longer even see.

Is it a tendency for alcoholics to become abusive like this? Unfortunately I can't sever contact altogether because we are waiting for a shared inheritance which I desperately need.
What do other people do to protect youselves or not be too deeply affected if you are still in contact with an abusive alcoholic family member?

velma929

Is this person the executor of the will? If so, I guess contact is unavoidable.
I had an abusive boss _ (so eight hours a day, five days a week, we had to cope) Sadly, it turned out he was mentally ill. I learned to work around him, ask questions of other people whenever possible, which meant saving *all* my questions and asking when Boss went to the men's room or out for lunch. At least I spoke with him a little less. I also had a mantra going through my head; "He does not sign my paycheck. He does not sign my paycheck." It did help.

I rarely answer my phone. When I return calls I try to have all my ducks in a row and conclude the conversation as quickly as possible. "The dog has to be walked/ I have company on the way / I have dinner on the stove / I have to get back to my Swedish death cleaning" would all be valid reasons to conclude a phone call

Can people be abusive of just one individual? Absolutely, in fact there are lots of cases of child abuse in which one child in the family was singled out.

If your addicted relative isn't the executor, you can have a conversation with the executor and tell him/her you wish to be contacted (emailed, maybe?) directly and not get information second-hand through your relative. That should happen anyway. You'd want things in writing, so the executor can bcc the email of each of you.

PeacefulWater12

I relate to this! I was same position with sorting out Probate and then actioning the Will of a parent. One sibling I was no contact with due to them having traits very like you describe.

I kept contact to an absolute minimum and did most of contact with them by email rather than in person.

Did have to meet a couple times in person but kept it very short. Kept conversation on the actual issue we needed to deal with.

I declined their suggestion to go out for a meal as that would have turned into them acting out. Tantrum, abuse etc. This is based on their previous behaviours. Obviously especially if alcohol in play at the restaurant.

All pretty common sense stuff. I used Medium Chill when we spoke which is where you stay neutral, don't engage, don't give them any personal information, just be grey and neutral, don't react to anything they say. Give them nothing to grasp hold of. My sibling baits a lot. They want a fight in everything, they thrive and feed in conflict. I did not provide it.

So anyways got through selling the property, sorting the finances etc. They offered to "help" with the practical clearing of the house but I politely turned this down, as when this person gets tired (H.A.L.T) they go off the scale so any initial help in clearing the property would have been out weighed by them melting down as soon as they got tired.

It was all sorted without a cross word or any melt downs or abusive attacks.

Oh I had created a new email address to give my sibling as when they emotionally dysregulate they send pages and pages of insane ranting!! I didn't want that. Two other relatives of mine made the mistake of giving them their actual email address and to this day (many years later) are bombarded by long insane ranting emails!

Hopefully something in there may help. You can navigate around this but it will all need to come from you. They are who they are and are not going to change.

Bewilderd

Thanks very very much to both of you. All good advice. It's hard not to get riled but in a way, the need to rile me is probably also her getting rid of her own tensions, the same ones that make her drink, on me.

I have one ex alcoholic friend who urges me not to take it persinally but it's always hard to know what that actually means. I mean the abuse comes my way and affects me. I know none of the insults apply, etc., but still it hurts so much that instead of pulling together, caring and showing love, all she can do is hate. Why does she need to act like that? And I also can't help feeling sad for her, she was such a sweet, funny, clever beautiful person once. I feel so sad, so hurt, but in the end I'm also hardening myself, because nothing will change.

velma929

Of course you feel sad! You have compassion, you have feelings.

I have a relative. the current political climate has made her -- well something. I don't want to veer into diagnosing her, because I'm not in that business. But -- she's taken to vilifying people who voted differently from her and threatening to un-friend them: people who have been her friends for decades. *I* remember the girl who hemmed one of her own dresses shorter in an afternoon because her classmate at graduation had alcoholic parents who never took her shopping for a floor-length dress for class night. That's what I want to remember . You post made me wonder if booze is an issue with her. I don't know. I love her - I don't want to create a lot of drama unfriending a relative, so I've stopped following her. I voted the way her ex-friends did - so that topic's off the table. I'm tired or her tirades and the hate makes me sad.

This is a long way of saying there may be a constellation of issues here, Alcohol may exacerbate a problem, but may not be the only problem. People are complicated.

PeacefulWater12

This is my view too, unhealthy people use baiting others into conflict as a vehicle to get their own inner tensions out. I have seen this play out in my family. The person riles and creates a fight and yells nasty words, then afterwards I have clearly seen the relief in them.

They are relaxed and smiling and move on with their day feeling comfortable and back in balance.

However the person they have used to release it is devastated and exhausted, emotionally dysregulated and takes hours or even days to get back into their balance and comfort.

The unhealthy person has not learnt healthy ways of releasing their stress or self soothing so use other people as tools to do so.

A drinker, as you say, will do similar. Rile or bait a fight to release their inner tension as well as an excuse to sink into a large drink as well as maybe have a fight too. Making it the other person fault they "had" to drink!

trailmix

I can't tell you why she does it. Is it mental illness, something brought on by alcoholism, chicken or egg?

What I can say is it isn't personal, but you will really have to acknowledge a few things before you can break free.

First, the sweet, funny etc person is gone. Your wishing and expectation will let you down every time you encounter her (and probably makes you sad just thinking about it). You will grieve the loss of that person, but in the long run it will set you free from her. Next time she is hurling insults etc, don't make excuses for her in your mind - really listen, really look at her face and her expressions, is this the person you knew? No.

You will also probably have to accept that you will never know why she targets you. It probably is some misplaced anger on her part (again, not personal), but it's there.

Your best bet is to never be alone with her, always have others around if you must meet. When she is abusing you, don't participate. You never have to JADE - justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.

If you feel you must reply (google 'grey rock) - use short no-meaning answers like - well that's worth thinking about - uh huh, oh, you may be right - well all we can do is carry on, just things like that, memorize them, have them ready.

When she is around or you are forced to talk to her, picture that you are in a "defense bubble" and that everything she says just bounces right off you (sounds silly but it works).

Refiner

Sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder in addition to Alcoholism and/or other addictions. They usually go hand in hand. They are selfish, enjoy hurting others emotionally, and have ZERO empathy. Went from Gray Rocking my NPD/Addict Sister in 2013 to total 100% No Contact about 5 years ago. Best decision ever for my wellness!