I wanted to update after doing some ACOA reading
I had more space and time with my decisions apart from my sister and I had left that one relationship where I had only been prized for my fertility to a new one. My current boyfriend already has a daughter who is 7 years old. I enjoy having her in my life and I feel I have some of the benefits of parenthood without all of the sacrifice which doesn’t interest me since I have such a full life. I work full time as an occupational therapist and that’s going well. My boyfriend flips houses and has a painting business which is growing and we want to expand both particularly in investment properties as we would like to increase the amount of rental properties we live on.
I got my basic scuba diving license and will be going for my advanced next month. My boyfriend and his daughter Are going to come and watch me get my advanced. He loves that I love his daughter and am a good role model for her and he wants her to see who I am. He has told me we don’t ever have to have a child we can make a good life for just the two of us and I can enjoy parenting if that’s what I want. He also said that in the future if I change my mind we can have a child if that is my desire. My parents have also talked with me about how they don’t need a grandchild and they said I am lucky that my boyfriend already has a daughter so I can enjoy the best parts of parenthood and have grandchildren without sacrificing all the other parts of my life. So the decision has no pressure from my boyfriend or parents and they are not withdrawing love based on me having children or not.
I also did a solo skydive, go rock climbing weekly, go to the gym weekly, and have a scuba trip planned in October for coral reef restoration. I love environmental conservation. I’ve been out primitive camping and traveling to see family across the US this year.
I still have some ups and downs about having a child but my life is more stable and positive. I think a lot of it is wrapped up in my worth as a woman and fear of the future being lonely instead of actual desire for the job. The possibility of being a step mom is showing me that a lot of my thinking is very black and white. I have to go 100 percent in on the parenting and make it my life or have no children at all in my life. Being a step mom allows me to do part time parenting with a long term relationship. It shows me a less black and white view of the world. I think further work has to be done on seeing my inherent worth as a person and with the therapy around being an adult child from an addicted family I’ve learned that black and white thinking and finding worth through other people and rigid lives and thinking is a result. I’m always looking for the role that will make me useful so I am allowed to have space. I did that in the military and now trying to do that with motherhood. But that’s a fantasy in my head. I just want to let life take me where it wants to go instead of controlling it and that might mean. I keep on having an idea of the timeline of my life and that I’m failing if I don’t hit this time and I am somehow behind but that is a fantasy