Control, Anxiety and Waiting for the Next Relationship
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
In hindsight, Newheart, I can say I understand the feeling of wanting to be married and start a family. I very much felt that pressure when I was in my 20's and as a result married someone who was not right for me, and subsequently found myself in all sorts of bad situations. I know I felt that pressure because of how I'd been raised, also because of the personality traits that had developed from how I was raised. In all my recovery work I've come to see that I'm enough as I am.
So I can say it's much better for you and your future family for you to wait til you meet the right person, and not settle for someone that might not be a good choice. It's hard for me to remember sometimes when I'm in the thick of it, but my children are only in my life for me to guide them until they are able to make their own choices and decisions.
So I can say it's much better for you and your future family for you to wait til you meet the right person, and not settle for someone that might not be a good choice. It's hard for me to remember sometimes when I'm in the thick of it, but my children are only in my life for me to guide them until they are able to make their own choices and decisions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Thank you all for your words. I agree that it is better to wait foe the right person. I am afraid that men will not want to be with me if they want a family because I am over 30. I pmed ironwill and we have talked about how that is a lie that love only requires an open heart and faith but there is fear that all men in their 30s have commitment issues or all the good ones are taken or they will want someone younger and more fertile. I know that I want to wait for someone who is right but Im afraid I waited too long
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
I wanted to post all the negatives of David as a list to remind myself of why I leftNegatives of David
Presented a loving image and then pulled the rug out from underneath me. Thought i found my best friend and then found that I was defending myself all the time and waiting waiting waiting
Used work as an excuse to only have sex with me and avoid intimacy
Yelled at me to get out when I told him I had to leave for an al anon meeting
Would have continued this pattern until I stopped
Asked to Choke me during sex. Didnt hurt me but it was scary. Preferred rough sex
Told me his job was top secret but the bad neighborhood he lived in, his need for a roommate and his concern of money seemed like a mismatch between what he told me was his working on and how he was living
Would become moody
Had a criminal charge he pled guilty to at 21 for giving alcohol to a minor
Told me in the military he would work out twice a day. He avoided drinking but when he got with the guys he would party hard and get ****** up from drinking
Told me he wanted to put his active duty war experience as a marine behind him since he had been cut off from his emotions, but kept on talking about it, would try to one up other veterans
Involved in risky activities all the time and kept on hurting himself in the few months I knew him. Told me it was the only way to get all of his energy out. I felt exhausted by the constant need for thrill and I am a sky diver!
Constantly picking up activities and dropping them. Had a basement full of discarded activities
Impulsive 1,000s of dollar purchases
Stopped being affectionate. Started nit picking and becoming passive aggressive
Stopped calling or txting
Roommate shocked he was coming over to meet my parents. Wouldnt tell his roommate. I had to tell him
Would tell me he wanted a day in and then the next day would say oh sorry I went out with friends multiple times
I commented on his cologne once and he went on a long strange explanation of how he always wears it without thinking instead of just saying thanks. It made me feel like he went out on a date.
Some of his sex acts seemed highly experienced/pornographic and when I commented on it he downplayed how much experience it would take. I felt it was a discrepency
My parents when he came over noted he wasn't affectionate and that he seemed to run out around 9pm on a Saturday. My mom made the joke that he was running late for a date. I said maybe. He didnt want me over Sunday because he said he was packing for a trip
Told me he would only have 2 or 3 work trips a year. All of a sudden they became 1 or 2 weeks a month
Told me he loved me, talked about a future, told me he was lucky to have me, saw how good of a partner and wife I could be. Then after I got hit on by another guy and I made a comment about being with him he turned to me and said quite forcefully that I was a single woman. I was shocked and just reinforced that I was his girlfriend. He didnt respond
In the beginning kept on emphasizing how similar we were. We both spoke Spanish, salsa danced, were in the military, talked about AI, country dancing and music, were Christian, rock climbed, camped, had the same humour, were adventurous, had the same goals, rode horses and on and on. Now I'm wondering if he overemphasized our similarities and mirrored back to me what he thought I wanted because I felt it was so incredible I met someone so similar to me. It felt like my dream guy
I felt like I had the qualities he wanted to present himself as.
He really wanted to meet my parents and would txt them, send them pictures and even when he was starting to turn against me really wanted to meet them. It felt bi polar.
Told me he felt I was different from his exes because I could match them while all the rest became dependent. I dont like ex comparisons and felt that the emphasis on my independence and strength was a way to encourage me to not ask too much of him. At the time I didnt think that since he was being so attentive and loving but towards the end I felt that way.
All of his friends told me it wasnt me it was him that ruined the relationship but they hoped i could settle him down if he chose to be with me later as we are a good match. I dont want that job or to wait around
Constantly moved every 2 years. I thought it was just from the military and then education
Said he wanted to take scuba classes with me or do acupuncture but then said he had trouble making appointments and would never sign up unless i reminded him which i would only do once and then not again
Felt like love at first sight for me. I was enamored by our conversation and that he told me he would do anything for family and I seemed popular and kind. My friends and family all said he could be the one since we meshed so well in the beginning
Came from a broken home which he was still bitter about. His father beat his mother and he had to take over the family business. He still helped his dad out but talked about it with anger but felt resigned to do it. Said his sister had cut his dad out.
On one work trip called me to tell me about an adventure he went on. I thought it would be cute and funny instead he told me he hung out wirh newlyweds who ended up doing cocaine but not eating meat because they were vegetarian. I didnt find that cute or quirky, I was just like....why are you in this situation? Especially when I had talked to him about being in Al anon
Emphasized cuddling, kissing, communication, qualities at first. Said we didnt have to have sex. Once i decided to he wanted to have it every time. I asked to slow down he reinforced he wanted to have sex every time. I asked where that affectionate man had gone
When I told him I had to go to al anon to speak but I wanted to finish the movie with him he asked me why I did things I didnt want to do. I said i do want to do it Im just going to miss you. He said in a colder icier tone, no shy do you do things you dont want to do. I said that was mean and then he said get out get out.
I bought him gifts. He always seemed uncomfortable never said thanks. He paid for things in the beginning but by the end seemed resentful about it reminding me when he paid for a meal
I asked him to meet up in a public area after we broke up just to return my things. He told me he was out of state and would tell me when he returned. He did not give me a date or time. He hasnt responded in 2 weeks. I dont expect to get my things back
Became sarcastic at the end. I couldnt have known that him and his roommate shared groceries so I asked if I could use the honey on the table. He smirked and said sarcastically why not. His roommate had to jump in and rescue me by explaining what they do
Presented a loving image and then pulled the rug out from underneath me. Thought i found my best friend and then found that I was defending myself all the time and waiting waiting waiting
Used work as an excuse to only have sex with me and avoid intimacy
Yelled at me to get out when I told him I had to leave for an al anon meeting
Would have continued this pattern until I stopped
Asked to Choke me during sex. Didnt hurt me but it was scary. Preferred rough sex
Told me his job was top secret but the bad neighborhood he lived in, his need for a roommate and his concern of money seemed like a mismatch between what he told me was his working on and how he was living
Would become moody
Had a criminal charge he pled guilty to at 21 for giving alcohol to a minor
Told me in the military he would work out twice a day. He avoided drinking but when he got with the guys he would party hard and get ****** up from drinking
Told me he wanted to put his active duty war experience as a marine behind him since he had been cut off from his emotions, but kept on talking about it, would try to one up other veterans
Involved in risky activities all the time and kept on hurting himself in the few months I knew him. Told me it was the only way to get all of his energy out. I felt exhausted by the constant need for thrill and I am a sky diver!
Constantly picking up activities and dropping them. Had a basement full of discarded activities
Impulsive 1,000s of dollar purchases
Stopped being affectionate. Started nit picking and becoming passive aggressive
Stopped calling or txting
Roommate shocked he was coming over to meet my parents. Wouldnt tell his roommate. I had to tell him
Would tell me he wanted a day in and then the next day would say oh sorry I went out with friends multiple times
I commented on his cologne once and he went on a long strange explanation of how he always wears it without thinking instead of just saying thanks. It made me feel like he went out on a date.
Some of his sex acts seemed highly experienced/pornographic and when I commented on it he downplayed how much experience it would take. I felt it was a discrepency
My parents when he came over noted he wasn't affectionate and that he seemed to run out around 9pm on a Saturday. My mom made the joke that he was running late for a date. I said maybe. He didnt want me over Sunday because he said he was packing for a trip
Told me he would only have 2 or 3 work trips a year. All of a sudden they became 1 or 2 weeks a month
Told me he loved me, talked about a future, told me he was lucky to have me, saw how good of a partner and wife I could be. Then after I got hit on by another guy and I made a comment about being with him he turned to me and said quite forcefully that I was a single woman. I was shocked and just reinforced that I was his girlfriend. He didnt respond
In the beginning kept on emphasizing how similar we were. We both spoke Spanish, salsa danced, were in the military, talked about AI, country dancing and music, were Christian, rock climbed, camped, had the same humour, were adventurous, had the same goals, rode horses and on and on. Now I'm wondering if he overemphasized our similarities and mirrored back to me what he thought I wanted because I felt it was so incredible I met someone so similar to me. It felt like my dream guy
I felt like I had the qualities he wanted to present himself as.
He really wanted to meet my parents and would txt them, send them pictures and even when he was starting to turn against me really wanted to meet them. It felt bi polar.
Told me he felt I was different from his exes because I could match them while all the rest became dependent. I dont like ex comparisons and felt that the emphasis on my independence and strength was a way to encourage me to not ask too much of him. At the time I didnt think that since he was being so attentive and loving but towards the end I felt that way.
All of his friends told me it wasnt me it was him that ruined the relationship but they hoped i could settle him down if he chose to be with me later as we are a good match. I dont want that job or to wait around
Constantly moved every 2 years. I thought it was just from the military and then education
Said he wanted to take scuba classes with me or do acupuncture but then said he had trouble making appointments and would never sign up unless i reminded him which i would only do once and then not again
Felt like love at first sight for me. I was enamored by our conversation and that he told me he would do anything for family and I seemed popular and kind. My friends and family all said he could be the one since we meshed so well in the beginning
Came from a broken home which he was still bitter about. His father beat his mother and he had to take over the family business. He still helped his dad out but talked about it with anger but felt resigned to do it. Said his sister had cut his dad out.
On one work trip called me to tell me about an adventure he went on. I thought it would be cute and funny instead he told me he hung out wirh newlyweds who ended up doing cocaine but not eating meat because they were vegetarian. I didnt find that cute or quirky, I was just like....why are you in this situation? Especially when I had talked to him about being in Al anon
Emphasized cuddling, kissing, communication, qualities at first. Said we didnt have to have sex. Once i decided to he wanted to have it every time. I asked to slow down he reinforced he wanted to have sex every time. I asked where that affectionate man had gone
When I told him I had to go to al anon to speak but I wanted to finish the movie with him he asked me why I did things I didnt want to do. I said i do want to do it Im just going to miss you. He said in a colder icier tone, no shy do you do things you dont want to do. I said that was mean and then he said get out get out.
I bought him gifts. He always seemed uncomfortable never said thanks. He paid for things in the beginning but by the end seemed resentful about it reminding me when he paid for a meal
I asked him to meet up in a public area after we broke up just to return my things. He told me he was out of state and would tell me when he returned. He did not give me a date or time. He hasnt responded in 2 weeks. I dont expect to get my things back
Became sarcastic at the end. I couldnt have known that him and his roommate shared groceries so I asked if I could use the honey on the table. He smirked and said sarcastically why not. His roommate had to jump in and rescue me by explaining what they do
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NewHeart....did you read my post as to how to challenge your fears on that subject? It is about waiting for the right person and More---it is about how to change your thinking about your inherent Value. What do you think about my suggestions---specifically?
You know---it is very possible to change your thinking and feelings from your 20s and very early thirties. I know that I evolved my thinking on many things--as I grew older and had more experiences.
Lol...I can even remember my own daughter saying so many things when she was in her late 20s and early thirties....Now she is much older and she laughs when I remind her of some of the things/fears that she had then.
I can even remember when she was 28years old---she was crying to me, one day----Now, the back story is that she majored in real estate finance and business when sh e finished high school. After she graduated---she decided that she did not like that field---so, she decided to go to nursing school. As she was near the finish of her nursing school-----she was crying. She said things like----"All of my girlfriends are getting married and have beautiful new houses and nice cars and are "all set"......while I haven't even finished my career studies (she was 6 months away)". She said---"I am stilll driving an old car---living in my father's basement and studying all the time. I don't even have a permanent relationship and no familly of my own and I am getting old".
I tried to tell her that her path was different than her friends, because she had made a major career change in her twenties---that she should not compare herself to other people. Of course, I could not console her ! She was still young and still had to figure things out for herself!
For the record---she married a guy, when she was 35. He did not want kids, because he already had 2 children from his first marriage.
By that time, she had graduated and had a good paying job as an emergency room nurse and drove a nice car...and had a nice house.
For the record---by that time, some of her friends were getting divorced!
Olivia...I am going to say this kindly---I believe that some of your ideas on your core value as a woman are baseless and are based on a very narrow and rigid world view.
If you look at the statistics----from the National Bureau of Stastics-----women marry in great numbers at every age---even into their geriatric years in some cases. Women are having children in many different ways, these days, also.
Many men do not want to get married to only a young woman who is eager to reproduce. There are lots of different kinds of men in this world---who want many different kinds of things who don't fit the Stereotype.
I have witnessed these things,, my own self.
But if you check the statistics on these matters, I think you will find that some of your ideas are baseless, as to how the world actually works.
The world is a lot more complex and varied than you are thinking it is.
I think it would help you to allay your fears if you broaden your experience.
lol...and, please stay away from Hallmark Movies!
You know---it is very possible to change your thinking and feelings from your 20s and very early thirties. I know that I evolved my thinking on many things--as I grew older and had more experiences.
Lol...I can even remember my own daughter saying so many things when she was in her late 20s and early thirties....Now she is much older and she laughs when I remind her of some of the things/fears that she had then.
I can even remember when she was 28years old---she was crying to me, one day----Now, the back story is that she majored in real estate finance and business when sh e finished high school. After she graduated---she decided that she did not like that field---so, she decided to go to nursing school. As she was near the finish of her nursing school-----she was crying. She said things like----"All of my girlfriends are getting married and have beautiful new houses and nice cars and are "all set"......while I haven't even finished my career studies (she was 6 months away)". She said---"I am stilll driving an old car---living in my father's basement and studying all the time. I don't even have a permanent relationship and no familly of my own and I am getting old".
I tried to tell her that her path was different than her friends, because she had made a major career change in her twenties---that she should not compare herself to other people. Of course, I could not console her ! She was still young and still had to figure things out for herself!
For the record---she married a guy, when she was 35. He did not want kids, because he already had 2 children from his first marriage.
By that time, she had graduated and had a good paying job as an emergency room nurse and drove a nice car...and had a nice house.
For the record---by that time, some of her friends were getting divorced!
Olivia...I am going to say this kindly---I believe that some of your ideas on your core value as a woman are baseless and are based on a very narrow and rigid world view.
If you look at the statistics----from the National Bureau of Stastics-----women marry in great numbers at every age---even into their geriatric years in some cases. Women are having children in many different ways, these days, also.
Many men do not want to get married to only a young woman who is eager to reproduce. There are lots of different kinds of men in this world---who want many different kinds of things who don't fit the Stereotype.
I have witnessed these things,, my own self.
But if you check the statistics on these matters, I think you will find that some of your ideas are baseless, as to how the world actually works.
The world is a lot more complex and varied than you are thinking it is.
I think it would help you to allay your fears if you broaden your experience.
lol...and, please stay away from Hallmark Movies!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Dandylion
I think I do have a misconception about men and how they will be viewing me. I view them as a monolith and something I can control
It is assuring to hear your daughter went through a similar feeling around my age. My mother tried to comfort me like you tried to comfort me.
Im going to think about your post more. Its like CBT right now
I think I do have a misconception about men and how they will be viewing me. I view them as a monolith and something I can control
It is assuring to hear your daughter went through a similar feeling around my age. My mother tried to comfort me like you tried to comfort me.
Im going to think about your post more. Its like CBT right now
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
There’s no set way, but I used to teach. And I’d think of my students. If they “got an answer wrong” I realized I was never mad or upset at them. I knew they’d done the best they could, they just hadn’t learned that lesson properly yet! I hesitate to even use the word “forgive” because there was nothing to forgive, they didn’t do anything wrong. And so we’d try again, see if they could learn it this time.
I’ve started applying that kindness to my past self: look at her as this beautiful, young, feisty woman that current me absolutely loves. So what if she made mistakes? She was HUMAN and she did the best she could. I know more now, sure, but she couldn’t have back then. And best of all, she LEARNED from those mistakes and grew! She boldly chose to heal and move forward and do that very hard work. I’m honestly proud of her for handling some really tough life experiences.
Being upset at my past self comes from expecting her to have been able to control life. Being resentful that she couldn’t. Expecting to her to be able to control time and know what I know now back then! Resenting that she couldn’t have done that either. But I know now that none of us can control life (life on life’s terms as NA/AA says!), we can only control how we react to it. And honestly, not only do I forgive her for the choices she made while trying to handle what life was throwing at her, but I’m even proud of her for how she pulled herself together through it all and got me to the other side. I love who I am today, and she got me here.
So that’s how I do it 😅
I’ve started applying that kindness to my past self: look at her as this beautiful, young, feisty woman that current me absolutely loves. So what if she made mistakes? She was HUMAN and she did the best she could. I know more now, sure, but she couldn’t have back then. And best of all, she LEARNED from those mistakes and grew! She boldly chose to heal and move forward and do that very hard work. I’m honestly proud of her for handling some really tough life experiences.
Being upset at my past self comes from expecting her to have been able to control life. Being resentful that she couldn’t. Expecting to her to be able to control time and know what I know now back then! Resenting that she couldn’t have done that either. But I know now that none of us can control life (life on life’s terms as NA/AA says!), we can only control how we react to it. And honestly, not only do I forgive her for the choices she made while trying to handle what life was throwing at her, but I’m even proud of her for how she pulled herself together through it all and got me to the other side. I love who I am today, and she got me here.
So that’s how I do it 😅
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Thank you for that. I expected to be able to stop the pain, know what happened and I now have learned that sex before marriage does not work for me. It’s too painful. I also could not have controlled David.
everything that everyone has been saying is helpful. I am starting to see through the lie about my age and really feeling that. I was lying and saying all men want my fertility and that is where my worth is instead of desiring a loving relationship with a man who loves me for me. After being used for sex I see that I was allowing my fertility to also objectify me.
it’s discouraging to not have that last relationship work out and it is a very hard realization that while I was loving and devoted he was not. Sometimes I want to believe I was important to him but the reality was he just wanted sex and was willing to present himself as one way but act another to me. The lie is that it will always be like this or that I won’t find love. I just learned from it and I couldn’t control it. I gave it my best shot and now I have learned more about what I need. I need commitment before sex
everything that everyone has been saying is helpful. I am starting to see through the lie about my age and really feeling that. I was lying and saying all men want my fertility and that is where my worth is instead of desiring a loving relationship with a man who loves me for me. After being used for sex I see that I was allowing my fertility to also objectify me.
it’s discouraging to not have that last relationship work out and it is a very hard realization that while I was loving and devoted he was not. Sometimes I want to believe I was important to him but the reality was he just wanted sex and was willing to present himself as one way but act another to me. The lie is that it will always be like this or that I won’t find love. I just learned from it and I couldn’t control it. I gave it my best shot and now I have learned more about what I need. I need commitment before sex
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
This really resonates with me: after XABF I realised the same thing, that I thought many of my relationships were relationships when in reality I was just being used. This has been a hard thing for me to come to terms with, and I've had to do much work around this, learning how to communicate, learning what are my boundaries, and seeing red flags for what they are, not ignoring them. And for me also, should I find myself in another serious relationship, sex will come after commitment and some serious relationship building.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by NewHeart 
I agree with you
I am in so much grief for having been used
I am in so much grief for having been used
Does forgiving mean it's A-OK that you were in a relationship that hurt you? Does it mean you accept that you were treated badly and went along with it? If so, that's pretty hard to accept.
I think to accept it happened is forgiving of yourself. This happened - it's history - I can't change it - period.
Now the wheres and whys and whose fault of all of that is another issue. If you are beating yourself up about it as in - How could I have been so stupid?? Why did I allow myself to be treated like that?? - ok well I think it's good to ask why you stayed too long (if that's the issue), just to make sure you will never allow it again but that doesn't mean you're stupid or any other negative thing (if you are giving yourself a lot of negative self talk on this, might want to halt that). Maybe it means you were giving misplaced compassion, maybe you were lonely, maybe you were looking for something and you just didn't find it there. Maybe it's your family of origin and your upbringing.
You can examine all that if you want to, but in the meantime you can agree, to yourself, that you are never going to do that again. Wisdom gained by you. A boundary for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by trailmix
What does "forgiveness" mean to you? What's your definition?
Does forgiving mean it's A-OK that you were in a relationship that hurt you? Does it mean you accept that you were treated badly and went along with it? If so, that's pretty hard to accept.
I think to accept it happened is forgiving of yourself. This happened - it's history - I can't change it - period.
Now the wheres and whys and whose fault of all of that is another issue. If you are beating yourself up about it as in - How could I have been so stupid?? Why did I allow myself to be treated like that?? - ok well I think it's good to ask why you stayed too long (if that's the issue), just to make sure you will never allow it again but that doesn't mean you're stupid or any other negative thing (if you are giving yourself a lot of negative self talk on this, might want to halt that). Maybe it means you were giving misplaced compassion, maybe you were lonely, maybe you were looking for something and you just didn't find it there. Maybe it's your family of origin and your upbringing.
You can examine all that if you want to, but in the meantime you can agree, to yourself, that you are never going to do that again. Wisdom gained by you. A boundary for you.
Does forgiving mean it's A-OK that you were in a relationship that hurt you? Does it mean you accept that you were treated badly and went along with it? If so, that's pretty hard to accept.
I think to accept it happened is forgiving of yourself. This happened - it's history - I can't change it - period.
Now the wheres and whys and whose fault of all of that is another issue. If you are beating yourself up about it as in - How could I have been so stupid?? Why did I allow myself to be treated like that?? - ok well I think it's good to ask why you stayed too long (if that's the issue), just to make sure you will never allow it again but that doesn't mean you're stupid or any other negative thing (if you are giving yourself a lot of negative self talk on this, might want to halt that). Maybe it means you were giving misplaced compassion, maybe you were lonely, maybe you were looking for something and you just didn't find it there. Maybe it's your family of origin and your upbringing.
You can examine all that if you want to, but in the meantime you can agree, to yourself, that you are never going to do that again. Wisdom gained by you. A boundary for you.
i think i can forgive myself i think I'm more scared and want control to guarantee it cant happen again. I wont be physically intimate until I have serious commitment from now on and that will limit hurt but I can protect myself because I just did.
I feel like Im coming out of the other side of this more. It was all wrapped up in feeling like a man wont love me unless I am fertile but the pain od this relationship makes me realize I want to be loved for who I am and I am starting to have a settled life and like who I am becoming that I can wait withour counting down my fertility days as a measure of the worth of my life or what I deserve from others. Thats also another source of control trying to control fear of regret in the future instead of living one day at a time
There were many lies about my worth and the need for other people to find my happiness which were tested in this breakup and the pain of it is re orienting me back to sanity in some ways. I still want to control and have fear but I am slowly slowly learning to let go. I cant make a man love me. I cant make children give me purpose and take away my loneliness. I can love myself. I can have a family in many different ways and in the timeline for my life
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I commented earlier in the thread to say that I felt he was using you, based on the situation you described, but you figured it out. Please don't beat yourself up so much, or get the wrong message - that all men are users, or sex before marriage is bad, or that you were badfor enjoying sex with the man you loved. You did nothing wrong, and once your boundaries were crossed you knew it and reacted appropriately, by questioning his behavior.
The progression from dating to marriage is a continuum of getting to know another person, and physical and emotional intimacy are a natural part of that - a wonderful part of being human and in a loving relationship. The key here is "loving". Abuse is not loving. So it would seem that rather than setting hard and fast rules about future commitments, the important thing is to remain open to a loving relationship, communicate your boundaries as it progresses and see how it goes. Have fun and enjoy. Certainly sex is about more than procreation.
EDIT - we posted around the same time, and I just saw your above post - that's much better thinking! Be loved for you, not your fertility. You are worth so much more than that.
The progression from dating to marriage is a continuum of getting to know another person, and physical and emotional intimacy are a natural part of that - a wonderful part of being human and in a loving relationship. The key here is "loving". Abuse is not loving. So it would seem that rather than setting hard and fast rules about future commitments, the important thing is to remain open to a loving relationship, communicate your boundaries as it progresses and see how it goes. Have fun and enjoy. Certainly sex is about more than procreation.
EDIT - we posted around the same time, and I just saw your above post - that's much better thinking! Be loved for you, not your fertility. You are worth so much more than that.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Everything you said is right and I also think hard and fast rules may be a way to try to overcorrect. I didn't do anything wrong and that was a voice of abuse. I think I will slow down physical intimacy but it all comes with a risk at the end of the day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
HI Newheart,
You should be loved for who you are. You shouldn't have to conform to someone else's mold for them to love you. You wouldn't be true to yourself. Just take your time for your heart to heal. You will know when your ready to be physical again. If a guy likes or loves you there should be no pressure from him to be pleased. He will wait till your ready and comfortable.
Just do the things that bring you happiness. Keep your boundaries in place. You have gained lots of knowledge from here. You will meet someone before you know it. Have a great day. Keep being strong.
You should be loved for who you are. You shouldn't have to conform to someone else's mold for them to love you. You wouldn't be true to yourself. Just take your time for your heart to heal. You will know when your ready to be physical again. If a guy likes or loves you there should be no pressure from him to be pleased. He will wait till your ready and comfortable.
Just do the things that bring you happiness. Keep your boundaries in place. You have gained lots of knowledge from here. You will meet someone before you know it. Have a great day. Keep being strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Ironwill
I just want to let you know that your messages always hit home for me and I re read them when I feel my resolve slipping. I really appreciate that you have taken an interest in my situation. It’s like a golden thread that I hold onto to find my way out of co dependency
I just want to let you know that your messages always hit home for me and I re read them when I feel my resolve slipping. I really appreciate that you have taken an interest in my situation. It’s like a golden thread that I hold onto to find my way out of co dependency
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Newheart,
I'm glad my message bring you strength. You are starting to understand the value of yourself. Hold on to that thread to pull you out of codependency. My thread and all the other threads of advice form a strong rope to bring you to the life you want for yourself. It's a tough climb up that rope and you will slip down it a few times. But don't give up on yourself. You are stronger then you know. You will reach the top. Keep being strong and do something that brings your heart joy.
I'm glad my message bring you strength. You are starting to understand the value of yourself. Hold on to that thread to pull you out of codependency. My thread and all the other threads of advice form a strong rope to bring you to the life you want for yourself. It's a tough climb up that rope and you will slip down it a few times. But don't give up on yourself. You are stronger then you know. You will reach the top. Keep being strong and do something that brings your heart joy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Thank you
NewHeart, thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability here. I can relate to so much here, I am a single woman and have been looking for a partner for years and have had many broken hearts over the last decade. I hope to have a child or adopt someday with a partner too and fear it’s too late. I definitely can get stuck in dark thoughts thinking, I’m the ONLY one who can’t find a man or thinking I’m defective bc I can’t make one stay. Yuck. Thanks for helping me feel less alone in that.
I just had one relationship end just last week after 3 1/2 months, and it was intense while it lasted. At first I hoped and it seemed like he was the one. But as I’ve been grieving it over the last week, I reread some text messages and journals with fresh eyes. I’ve realized that I wanted it to work so badly that I blinded myself to his state of being. At first he seemed stable and emotionally available, but the truth is he was still reeling from his divorce and dealing with a bunch of his own stuff (which had NOTHING to do with me) and he just couldn’t give to me what I deserve. I’m still grieving and he is a good man but it’s just not going to work. I’m grateful for the good times we had, but I have to let him go.
I’m working on some of the same things you are, reminding myself that I deserve a healthy and emotionally available partner who can make time for me. It’s one day at a time really. In a way, I think I used him- to project my desires of a partner and family onto, prematurely & before he was ready. Maybe that’s possible in your case too. And it’s helpful for me to realize my part in these things so I don’t repeat the same patterns.
I do believe we are all worthy of love and will find our partner if we keep doing the work every day to heal & be happy on our own. Just the energy we put out into the world doing that will attract the right kind of people. And we can enjoy the journey of getting to know someone day by day, keeping our heads in the present. Easier said than done for sure!
I just had one relationship end just last week after 3 1/2 months, and it was intense while it lasted. At first I hoped and it seemed like he was the one. But as I’ve been grieving it over the last week, I reread some text messages and journals with fresh eyes. I’ve realized that I wanted it to work so badly that I blinded myself to his state of being. At first he seemed stable and emotionally available, but the truth is he was still reeling from his divorce and dealing with a bunch of his own stuff (which had NOTHING to do with me) and he just couldn’t give to me what I deserve. I’m still grieving and he is a good man but it’s just not going to work. I’m grateful for the good times we had, but I have to let him go.
I’m working on some of the same things you are, reminding myself that I deserve a healthy and emotionally available partner who can make time for me. It’s one day at a time really. In a way, I think I used him- to project my desires of a partner and family onto, prematurely & before he was ready. Maybe that’s possible in your case too. And it’s helpful for me to realize my part in these things so I don’t repeat the same patterns.
I do believe we are all worthy of love and will find our partner if we keep doing the work every day to heal & be happy on our own. Just the energy we put out into the world doing that will attract the right kind of people. And we can enjoy the journey of getting to know someone day by day, keeping our heads in the present. Easier said than done for sure!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
There has been one thing on my mind and heart which is staying with me
I feel a lot of regret and sadness over how I treated my parents as an adolescent and in my 20s. My mom suffered from anorexia and alcoholism she became sober when I was in my early 20s. It took me a long time to stop playing victim and to realize how much resentment i was carrying and how I had not appreciated the love she had given me all those years.
I also have a twin sister who has a drug addiction. I spent my teenage years and 20s picking her up and making excuses for her until the point she put my life in danger and when I realized she was an addict. It made me go back to my parents and talk to them about all those years I thought they were abusing her it turned out they were trying to control her addiction.
I went through the al anon 12 steps made amends and have a wonderful relationship with them now but there are moments of deep regret and sadness over how far I pushed away the people who love me the most. I love my sister but I am very sad and disappointed that the rupture promoted between my parents and I were to feed something so useless and destructive as a drug addiction.
I feel a lot of regret and sadness over how I treated my parents as an adolescent and in my 20s. My mom suffered from anorexia and alcoholism she became sober when I was in my early 20s. It took me a long time to stop playing victim and to realize how much resentment i was carrying and how I had not appreciated the love she had given me all those years.
I also have a twin sister who has a drug addiction. I spent my teenage years and 20s picking her up and making excuses for her until the point she put my life in danger and when I realized she was an addict. It made me go back to my parents and talk to them about all those years I thought they were abusing her it turned out they were trying to control her addiction.
I went through the al anon 12 steps made amends and have a wonderful relationship with them now but there are moments of deep regret and sadness over how far I pushed away the people who love me the most. I love my sister but I am very sad and disappointed that the rupture promoted between my parents and I were to feed something so useless and destructive as a drug addiction.
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