NewHeart

Just an update.

I struggle with the feeling that I broke it off wrong and was unfair. When I broke it off with him I told him that it was because he was disrespecting me by saying he wanted to be with me and then only having sex with me and having no time for anything else. I told him it wasnt fair and it was disrespectful and that he could have voiced his dilemma between work and our relationship instead of shutting down and just having sex with me. I also told him the only reason why it stopped so soon after he shut down was because of me and thar he would have kept on having sex with me knowing I still loved him and him knowing he was no longer interested.

I struggle with the feeling that I was being too harsh and should have been more charitable. That I shouldn't have voiced that opinion and that I should have accepted he was struggling with work and that he eventually would have told me. I feel i was being mean and that I was the one who was harsh and unreasonable to expect him to stop having sex with me once he started to lose interest or to communicate that he had lost interest.

I have a lot of guilt and I feel that I pushed away someone forever away who could have been in my life in a friendly capacity but that I harshly blew it.

This is my co dependency coming out I believe but I need help breaking it down

NewHeart

Here is the text I sent:

After a few days I think I can see clearer now. If we do see each other I would prefer if we ignore each other. You don’t respect me

You would have kept on only having time to have sex with me knowing I was in love with you until I stopped it which I did. You can argue it my point of view is not going to change. The guilt in your text messages and in your eyes when I kissed you and made love to you are clear to me. You were downgrading me to **** Buddy without telling me and you knew I was in love with you. I even said it during sex. I don’t think you were confused and if you were you could have told me not wait for me to bring it up after weeks. I know you’re smart and in those long conversations you had with me you told me actions not words. Your words were telling me you were confused and tired and still wanted to be with me. Your actions were just to **** and ignore me and put off any resolution. I was suffering. You knew that.

The David I fell in love with is there but so is someone else.

You can respond to this. I’m not going to


——
I also found that in his early 20s he had some criminal charges around alcohol that he pled guilty to. I am having a hard time processing that where I want to make excuses that everyone parties too hard in their early 20s. He still got a top secret cybersecurity job and he discharged from the marines honorably and that that criminal charge means nothing now.

NewHeart

i don’t believe that it is slim to none. I think if you haven’t started your own thread please do so that the beautiful people here can help you better

dandylion

NewHeart.......I agree with you that Co-dependency is coming out....Co-dependency with a capital C.
The good news is that you know it.
I also think you are having some cognitive dissonance. It is hard to have strong attraction feelings and intense (justifiable) angry feelings at the same time.
I think it is dangerously close to the mind bending situation in abuse---when the person that you expect to love you is the same one that hurts you.
Of course, we know that the one who hurts you can never, ever, be the one that heals you.

I hope that you can get to the point where you feel a great and pure anger that you were treated as less than you deserved. That you can say---"HOw DARE he!"

NewHeart

That is very clear thinking

and I was struggling with allowing myself to feel anger.

ironwill

Hi Newheart,

You should feel anger for the way he treated you. He was using you. You opened up to him your feelings of love. His actions showed that unless you were available for sex he couldn't make time for you. That is no way to be treated. You deserve someone that will take the time to put you first. Yes, we all have to work to survive and have a comfortable life. But he is making work more of a priority then you.

I hope you can see that you are worthy of someone that will treat you better and with respect that you deserve. Keep being strong. Keep taking it day to day.

NewHeart

ironwill. I struggle with feelings of well he has PTSD, he had a poor upbringing. He didn’t truly understand and instead of pushing him away I should have connected the dots for him. He didn’t mean to use me so I should have put in an effort to show him his poor behavior and have a chance to fix it instead of ending it.

sage1969

Regardless of what our formative experiences have been, regardless of what our wounding is, we each have some personal responsibility to behave in an accountable way. In most relationships, it is acceptable to speak up and say "I feel hurt when this behavior happens." But especially in relationships touched by substance abuse and codependency, each additional chance you offer opens the door that much further for continued excursions past your boundaries.

Remember the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure (Change) it

ironwill

Hi Newheart,

I know you are struggling to get past this. The I should of done this, or what if I just did that. He would be better. The point is that you can't change a person. I know it's hard to fathom that no matter how much we try it is still up to them. Your instincts kicked in from everything you have learned and knew what you had to do. You had to end things. It's your heart that does not want to give up on him. It always takes longer for it to come to the same realization as the brain. You did everything correct. You talked to him and told him how you felt. When you noticed that things were not changing you made the correct choice. It's never an easy choice to make. We as humans want to help people. But we can only help so much. It is the person that has the issues that has to want to be helped.

NewHeart

Thank you ironwill. My heart doesnt want to five up you are right. I think i just have to grieve that and trust my instincts, brain and all the healing I have been doing with Al Anon.

The hope will leave as time goes on and I start to see my own self worth. Why does he get all the sympathy and I only get scraps? I myself have been traumatized and had a difficult family life. I have to choose me.

Its hard to trust I will open up again but I do have to follow previous advice and do what I love and heal

NewHeart

And thank you sage.

My go to coping method is to try to figure out how the other I suffering and fix it but it’s maladaptive while sounding nice. Thank you for that reality check.

also thank you for the reality check around us all having responsibility regardless of past trauma

im focusing on my hobbies right now. I’m finishing up my basic scuba certification. I horseback ride and rock climb and salsa dance. I used to be a pilot. I don’t want to get back into that but I do think I want to get certified in sky diving. I’m going to look into that

dandylion

NewHeart....your situation reminds me of this song----which I consider one of the most Co-dependent songs ever written!

Dreamgirls - And I'm Telling You (Jennifer Hudson) - YouTube

(lol...I imagine that many of us, on this forum have channeled this song).

NewHeart

I have channeled that song but as I read the lyrics I dont want to be that person. I want to have more self respect

dandylion

NewHeart...I hear you.

NewHeart

thank you

NewHeart

He wants to meet up in person to end things since they ended over txt last time. I think I want to because I think it will help to end it in person though I think it will be painful

dandylion

NewHeart.....Yes, breakups that you wanted to work out are usually painful
Keep in mind that if a relationship is not working out for a person----that, alone, is sufficient reason to end a relationship.

NewHeart

I really struggle with the fear thar being past 30 my value as a woman is lower since I have less fertile years and I feel like I need to find a man quick to have a good life. I'm afraid that if I pass 35 without being married a man will not want to marry me

edoering

^^^ Your value as a woman is MORE than your fertility.

You are valuable as a human being JUST for existing. Just for being alive here and now, you have value. You are important. You are lovable.

We are taught our “self-worth” depends on how much we are of service to others—how much money/profit do you make your boss? How many babies do you make for your husband? How clean a house? How happy do you make your family? On and on. While I do believing helping others is good, it’s not what makes me worthy of living my own life. Worthy of love.

If someone only loves you because of what you can do for them, that’s conditional love. You deserve someone who loves you for you.

dandylion

NewHeart.......I think I understand your struggle with the concept that you are only a complete woman/person unless you are married and produce babies.
I believe that you have internalized the messages that you have received from your environment---and the key influencers--within that environment. It makes sense, to me, that, if you were taught that---that you would accept that and internalize that.
You are certainly not alone. Down through time, women have been taught this message---all across the world.
It is a reality that this is a Sexist world!!

Personally, I suspect that your constant discomfort with this concept may be your own inherit sense of self telling you that ----there must be More!

I think that you deserve to be exposed to what I will call "feminist thought"----so that you can appreciate what edoering has so simply and clearly talked about in her post to you.

I suggest that you need exposure to a different environment and different people---especially different women and peers----so that you can see that you have choices in this world as to how to grow into your own unique potential....and how to love yourself and honor your self and value yourself----no matter what!

I think you may have to be brave enough to open yourself up to new ideas and be willing to live in some different environments and connect to some different peers.
You will not be completed by just "getting a man".....you will be completed in maturity by developing within your own Self.

Your journey in life is not yet completed----unless you want it to be and stop growing.