minnie

Mr C

I don't know what else to say. Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick. It seems to me like your wife wants her cake and eat it too. But obviously, I only know your situation from what you post on here.

I understand what you're saying about your step-son. Your relationship is what the two of you make it - not what your wife says should happen. I hope you can work it out with your son.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx

p.s. We admitted we were powerless over the alcoholic -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

minnie

Mr C

I'm sorry. I was harsh yesterday. You have your own journey to go on and I was projecting mine onto your cirumstances. I was also not being a very good al-anon member. I am finding it hard to strike a balance.

I am very sensitive to manipulation, particularly at the moment. My ex A b/f is the king of manipulation, but then so would any of us if we had 41 years of practice. He doesn't even know he's doing it most of the time.

Sorry again.

Love Minnie
xxxx

Mr. Christian

Hi Minnie,
Please think nothing of it.
I understand, and I was not mad. The letters are done. I wrote them on fine ivory linen paper and sealed with gold foil stamps. they are waiting now for the postman to take them.
I was not sure if I should post them here or if anyone would be interested.

Christian

minnie

Thank you, Mr C, you are a gent.

Please share what you want to share. I promise that if I comment at all, I will not do it without thinking, as I usually do.

Minnie
xxxx

Mr. Christian

Hello All!

A lot has happened, now as I write this I have not heard about the letters I have sent, but I have had 2 more calls from me Wife.

She had called one day and asked me to tell her the whole truth about something. She asked if I was always faithful to her. I told her yes. She is hearing rumors, so I had a long talk with her. She told me how she was clean and straight, and trying to live a better life
The 2nd time was the same day , where she opened up about her health problems after the car accident.
She also informed me that she was living with her parents, I do not know for sure though.
It seems I want to believe, but do not know if I can right now.

EndOfRoadWife

Good luck Christian! I hope everything works out for you!! I was just reading the thread on here...The fast life often destructs a marriage and me and my husband had a pretty normal life until he took a job in the mortgage industry with friends..now he works late hours, some nights doesn't come home, he gambles, goes to happy hours, etc, etc, I miss the "Normal" life..........

Mr. Christian

Oh yes The Normal Life,

How I long for it.
Here are my letters to wife and son:


My Dear Trudy,

You asked that I write you, well here it is. I hope it’s not too long.

First I wanted to tell you about my co. Christmas party. I took Angelo and we set sail out of Newport harbor. We were on The Duke’s yacht, “The Wild Goose”. This boat was built in the 1940’s, saw service in WW2, and then was a party boat for the Rat Pack and Bob Hope.
The lights in the harbor were beautiful and the homes and ships were all decorated for Christmas. I wish you could have seen this.

This is a good company I’m with now Trudy. I’ve worked very hard to get here. The position pays far better then former jobs, and it comes with full benefits. The future is bright here and it is something you know I’ve been looking for, for some time. A chance to take care of my family and provide a better future.


I guess the time has come to share with you a lot of thoughts I have within me. This process has been very difficult I am sure for both of us.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying about our marriage. I have come to understand myself more fully that emotions and attitudes stemming from what I saw in my upbringing controlled my behavior at times. I do recognize that I do not have to be a slave to those feelings anymore and those attitudes have changed.

Al-anon has helped me a great deal. In truth I went because of you, but I stayed for me.
I found out issues about myself. I found out what drove my obsessions and made me feel that I need to be in control all the time. I found people, both men and women that did all the crazy things I have done, acted in all the way I have, and I found a way to restore serenity.
More then anything else I found friendships with people who are good and ask nothing from a person.

Trudy I admit to you that I have failed in many ways and I ask for your forgiveness for those failures. I have been doing so much reading and I found many books that have stimulated my thinking and come to the decision that I want to work on restoring our marriage. I know that I will not be able to do this without your help. I understand you may feel reluctant. I know there is a lot of good from our past that would encourage you to try again! I want us to work at something far more meaningful than we have ever had. I want us to take whatever steps are necessary to gain self-understanding and understanding of each other. I know that it will take work, and may be trying, but I am willing to do whatever is necessary.
I have come to realize that you and I did not meet our intimate emotional needs in this marriage. I did not meet your need for the love and affection you so justly deserve and needed from me.

I have found peace within myself Trudy. But the piece missing now in my life is you. Everything was always you Trudy. You are my sun and my rain, you are everything to me, with out you, life itself is not the same.
I have to tell you that my love for you and Traz is unconditional, and nothing that has happened while we have been apart matters. I shall always love you, no matter what. This love will never die.

Again I am so very sorry for not expressing my love for Traz and you as I should of.


I can not change these past actions, but I have learned from them.

I was always so secure in you love for me, which I embedded in my mind this was forever and I still believe that till this day.


For every one bad thing you may think I have done, I know I have done 50 things far more greater in this relationship. It’s just a matter of remembering in your heart what we truly had!
I propose to you for the sake of unity that we begin to restore this marriage for what it is truly worth for two people who truly love one another. I suggest we communicate more often. See each other weekly or biweekly to get to know one another again. To explore what brought us together in the beginning. I truly believe that with hard work, understanding, communication and change that we will have a far better future by restoring the dream that both of us had when we first met!
I do not expect an answer right away. I want you to truly and really think about this!

I realize love is a choice, not a decision. We both made so many promises to one another, and I have always known my choice and I am keeping my promises and vows that I made to you!

I do love and miss you both so very much.


With Love, Your Husband,

Christian.

.................................................. .................





Dear Traz,

How have you been? It seems like such a long time since I have seen you or have had the chance to talk to you.
I hope your doing ok, and that school is working out better for you this year.

I really need to express some thoughts to you, and let you know some feeling that never got to be said.
So please have a little patience with me.
I do have to tell you how very sorry I am with the fact that it was always very hard for me to show you how I feel.
The truth is I do love and care for you very much.
In the time that you and your Mother have been away I have gone through many changes, all for the better.
I have found out why it was hard for me to show love, and with that I have discovered so much more.
I do love your Mother very much, she is the most wonderful person that ever entered my life and I feel the same about you.
I miss you both very much.

Sometimes in life things happen to a person that opens their eyes and their heart.
I really would like a chance to be with you both again.
Again I’m so sorry for any actions in the past that may have hurt you. I also want you to understand that no matter what ever happens, I am here for you.
I am just a phone call away.

Love, Christian

EndOfRoadWife

Those letters are good! I think you expressed everything that you wanted to let your wife and son know how you feel! Now at least you know that you've done everything and said everything you possibly can. That should make you feel better in looking ahead no matter what the outcome is..I know how hard letting go is and I'm the same way as you, how I've tried and tried to not lose my marriage...

afriend

Mr. Christian,

I can't tell you how lucky you are to reside within one of the strongest Al-Anon areas -- Orange County, CA. It's where my miracle began, and living just outside the curtain today, I continue to call many of the meetings there home. I will suggest that, if you are not already attending, you consider making the trip to attend the Thursday Night Garden Grove Mens' Stag held at the Crystal Cathedral (no affiliation). Meetings begin at 8:00pm every week and at last count, I believe there was well over 250 years of combined experience, strength and hope on the phone list. I hope to see ya there sometime.

Love ya in a special kinda way...

afriend

Orange County, CA Meeting Directory

Mr. Christian

Hello EOR Wife,

Thank you for your kind words. I have not heard anything since Thursday when she told me she would read them.
I hope with all my heart, that I can reach her heart.

Hi Afriend,

Yes I go to that thursday meeting all the time.
I might have talked with you..
Thank you for writing to me. I have just hit 6 months of Al-anon.

Christian

Mr. Christian

Hello all,

I hope your holidays went well.
For me I can not say they did. I think this might be my last post here.
I’ve tried hard at both Al-anon, church and other ways of gaining some hope or healing, nothing has happened.

I just can not go on like this anymore. I tried, but I have no strength left I’m sorry, the pain this Christmas was enough for a lifetime.

I hope you all have better day and find the love and peace you so deserve.

Mich

Maybe its just a bad few days.....the holidays and all....I had plenty of set backs and had the same amount of doubts you have when I was in the first stages of my recovery. It does get better!! It has been almost 8 months for me and I still have days that I want to curl up into a ball...but they are few and far between. This is a process...Please know that you are never alone.
Big hugs
Michelle

minnie

Mr C

Don't leave us, please!!

I don't have time to write more at the moment (I'm not at home), but the answers you are looking for are from within yourself - not necessarily Al-anon, your church and most certainly not in other people.

Please stick around.

Love

Minnie
xxx

jojo

Mr. C - This time of year can be so hard. It can be tough for people who aren't experiencing loss and changes in their lives. It is a time that makes it easy to wallow in self pity. Most of us have done that at some time or another. It is a time of year that some depressed people consider a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

By doing that we are robbing ourselves of all the new possibilities ahead of us. Find something simple to appreciate - the smile on a child's face, the blueness of the sky, a bird in flight. Start simple and then build on it. Say something nice to a complete stranger and see their face light up. Get a dog or a cat from the Human Society. Starting over hurts and it can hurt alot. But if we grab our a$$es with both hands and keep moving, things do get better. Things may be different but that can be a good thing. Remember that other people care about you and want you to find your way to a happier life. You can do it.

Hugs, Jo

afriend

Mr C.

"Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too.."
From: Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Closing; How Al-Anon Works, pg. 380

Something I have learned over the years is that we are only a phone call away from working through our misery -- I know my name is right at the top of some of the phone lists you've got. When we say "call anytime" we mean just that -- Please feel free to use the phone tool of the program any time, day or night, Three hundred sixty five and and a quarter days a year -- 'cause we understand as few others can that the effects of Alcoholism sometimes never rest! If I'm not around, leave me a message (I will call you back) & call the next person -- rest assured that you will find help, and you will only be as alone as you choose to be.

Love ya in a special kinda way and I really do hope to see ya again this Wednesday night.

afriend

p.s. please respect my choice in anonymity on this board, thanks

Mr. Christian

Well I do have to say thank you to all of you that checked in with me.

It has been a tough weekend, and a really Dark Christmas.


I can not remember anything like this before, nothing. The thought I have had spinning around in my head is of nightmares are made of.
So I had really thought of giving up everything, this fight, the girl and life itself.

I really had to think hard. I picked myself up and made it to work.


Any way it then happened, a friend from Al-anon called me.

We have been playing phone tag all weekend, he got me today.

I emailed a friend about what happened, let me share it with you all…..


He’s has been a member of Al-anon for about 4 years.

His wife and him just got back together about 5 months ago, they were separated for about 2 years.

Duis , jail, kids being taken away, everything.

He found her drunk one night in a hotel with some guy.

He was crazier then me when he got help, calling people all hours of the night and day trying to fix this.
She has been in rehab 3 times now, but they are back together after 2years of this stuff.

He wondered if I made it through the holiday without becoming a monk.
I told him of my weekend.

He told me this:

Chris, it's ok.
Your sitting in the waiting room of an insane asylum with one door closing and another is opening.
Your wife is on the 2nd floor with her head out the window screaming!


You just have to wait.

She is in TOO MUCH PAIN,
even more then you.

She can not face it or you right now.

That's why she wanted the letters, to know you are there, in that waiting room,
with love.

Hang on and learn from where I was and let God have her Chris, he will give her back when he is done.


He made me stop all other thoughts.
He made me remember all of you here.
He made me think about the vows I took with my wife.

“For better or Worse”
“Till Death Do You Part”

I sat there in my big office over looking Angel Stadium, feeling very small.

But then wishing I could just see her again just for the moment to let her know.
Just to let her know. I’m here; I’m not leaving.

And I just cannot give up on her either.
All of us have such a goal, such a love that it transcends all logic, all reason.


So with all that I thought I could not stop, just yet.

I’ll leave you all with this.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it
is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8



Christian

minnie

"You just have to wait.

She is in TOO MUCH PAIN,
even more then you.

She can not face it or you right now. "

Too right!! I'm so glad you have taken that message on board. It doesn't mean putting your life on hold, but it does mean not trying to force her into recovery.

She knows how you feel now. You know you have to "Let go and Let God", but have you thought of "LIVE and let live". You need to keep living. You can't stagnate whilst she does what she needs to do.

I wish you luck in what you need to do to get better. Keep coming back here - it helps.

Love

Minnie
xxx

EndOfRoadWife

Hi Christian, I'm glad to see you made it through Christmas..I went to a gym with a friend of mine as her guest on Monday and Tuesday and am going every day this week and will join myself by the end of the week..It made me feel a lot better and one of my New Year's Resolutions is working on myself..It really helps mentally.....I have to concentrate on me this year..I don't want my focus to be on my husband this year because I can't let him ruin me....Maybe you could try walking or something just to get your mind off things and it does really help....I had many days where I thought I couldn't go on because my pain was so deep, but through time I am more focused on myself instead of obsessing over him.. It makes a person crazy and I know what a roller coaster ride from hell I have gone through with him..I was praying for him every night for God to heal him and make him see the light..Now, I still pray for him, but I find myself starting to pray more for me and for God to heal me and empower me..That is my new Years' Resolution to focus on Me...Just try little steps maybe...You can do it..Time heals....You'll see....

HEALEDbyFAITH

First of all you are one of Gods chosen ones, the ability to love like you do is a gift from Him. God is love. May not feel like gift now but it is. One day you will be rewarded for the love you are trying to share. Remember he works in his time not ours. In scripture he has promised not to give us issues in life that are more than we can bear. You have to trust this promise to get through the pain. I know this pain from loving someone the same way you do. It comsumes me, hurts me, every second of my life she is there. This is what I do to help myself....I force myself to live in the PRESENT. I see a rose, I smell it. I see children playing, I watch them, it gives me joy. I see other couples holding hands, it warms my heart. I take what is given to me NOW. In church I hear a child wailing during the sermon, it brings awe to my heart from the gifts that he has given us. I find beauty and blessings all around me and these miracles ease my suffering. When the suns warmth carresses my cheek I think how lucky I am to just be able to see and feel such things. It may only last a few seconds or a few minutes but it gives my heart a chance to be without the pain of not being with her. I believe this is true love for you, that kind of love will never go away. What you need to do is find ways to give yourself peace even a few seconds a day will help you. Love yourself Mr. Christian, you deserve it!

Mr. Christian

Hello Healed

I could not express my feelings better.
The pain of being without her is incredible, sometimes I’m brought to my knees. I know I’ll never love this way again.
I do see the world so much more differently now, but I’m afraid it is too late to share it with her.
But I feel her with me , everywhere I go, in everything I see , I see and feel her.

How can I truly go through life if the one I love shall never be with me again.
I just seem to go through the motion right now.

I hope some day it shall be different.