frankly

As always Mike, excellent post!

Daffodil

Ditto! I hope Mr. C will see the benefits of choosing to really start living.

Love and prayers from one who cares,

Daffodil

Mr. Christian

Thank you all for writing.

Frankly:
Do not feel bad for being blunt, I feel like I’m addicted, I really do.
The feeling of being torn up inside is incredible. When she was calling once a week I felt better, like getting a fix.
I am starting therapy next week.


DesertEyes:

I go to Al-anon at least 3 times a week and will be doing work at the Ala-non on Dec. 11th, here in Orange County Calif.
Yes those “whys” are killing me. I do call my people in the program every day, without them I would not have made it this far.


Daffodil:
I’m really trying, I am. It’s so hard to start a life over, when you thought you had a great one going.

Thank you all again....

frankly

Mr. Christian - That is great news! I really think therapy will help tremendously. Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

DesertEyes

Heya Mr. C

Excellent! Good for you. Keep working the program and you will survive this.

Yup, I have that too. Physically hurts, like getting punched in the gut.

That's exactly how I feel. I have 19yrs. of life here just gone up in smoke (or should I say, gone up in my AW's percocet :-) I can't even think of starting over, 19yrs is just too big a piece of life for me to tackle all at once. What I'm doing is just starting over _one day_. Just today. Not my whole life. Just today I am taking care of what I need to do today, like sending out resumes for a new job, studying up on my new skills, taking care of my health. I am taking a little extra time just for _me_. Reading a fun book that has nothing to do with work, taking myself out for a cup of cofee, sitting in my driveway to watch the sunset.

Just today Mr. C. Focus on just today and we can both make it thru this chaos.

Mike :-)

Mr. Christian

Hello DE,

My biggest ting was and still is how can they do this? Did we live a lie for 9 years?


I’ve done a lot for myself, little things, been going out also.
Just feel very out of place, just very alone with out her, isn’t that funny.

Daffodil

Mr C.

Any time I do something new to change my life or behavior, I am uncomfortable. I think it goes with the territory. I know what pain I have felt in the past but the unknown is more scarey.

As to the "Why's" of someone else's behavior I can only guess. I do my best not to get so wrapped up in someone else's head that I am trying to firgue out why or what they are thinking. I don't believe they know either. It's the addditon part that would drive me crazy because I am not on the same page as they are. My part is not giving my reality away and staying in my own skin. For me just doing those two things is a big enough job for me to handle today.

DesertEyes

Heya Mr. C.

We didn't. We had a wondeful, beautiful marriage for most of our 19yrs together. We lived in the "happily ever after" part of a fairy tale. However, we lived in the real world, and s*(& happens. I ask myself what I would do if she had been run over by a truck and killed.

I would survive, endure and overcome. I would start my life one day at a time and go from there.

Well, my wife is not dead. The person she _used_ to be is not there anymore. There's somebody else in her place. So we didn't live a lie, not at all. If we continue to live together, pretending that nothing has changed, _then_ we would be living a lie.

Not funny. Normal. It's called grief and you and I are having a lot of it. What works for me is to bury myself up to my eyeballs in the program. Keep constantly busy so my head has not chance to sit idle and cause me trouble.

Hang in there Mr. C. It gets better and it gets better fast.

Mike :-)

Mr. Christian

Well, as you know I really have not had much to tell in the contact area with my wife for about four weeks now.
I took a ride after work tonight to visit a friend. I was waiting for my friend to get off work when my cell phone rang.
The familiar voice on the other end said, “Hi what are you doing?”
I was floored!
I asked how she was and she said a lot better, that her recovery was going fine and would soon be released to go back to work. She told me she knew I was just on the freeway and wondered how I was doing and where I was going.
I asked if she saw me, and she said she just knew I was on the freeway. So someone we know must have passed me and called her.

She was wondering whom I was meeting if it was a friend or woman. I told her it was a friend, no worries of such things of the heart.
She told if it was a female that she would not blame me because of the length of time we have been apart.
I told her no worries.


We talked of my stepson, and she said he was real mad at everything the way it turned out, and I told her that I understood his feelings.
She said she was still going through some anger issues herself and that was why she was not calling, but now she wanted to.
That she just wanted to talk a little and find out what I was doing, and how “I” have been.
Told her of my new job and how I was really working toward a future.
She asked if I was still going to AL-anon, or if I had stopped, and also asked a little about it.
I told how I was still going, working with the group and explained it was about working on me more then anything else.

I think she was under the impression that we just sat around and bashed the alcoholic.
I explained how I have been working on becoming a better person and that I realize now my part in our situation.

She said her Thanksgiving was just ok, and that she did not even want to think about Christmas.
This sounded just like me.


I explained that since her son’s father backed out on being our go between, that it was harder to get any word to her. She told me he wanted out because it became too much of the “He said”, “She said” thing, and he felt in the middle.



She then asked again if I had someone in my life, I told no, I do not. That I was wondering the same thing.
She said friends are all she really has.
I told how great it was to talk with her and that I did miss her.

She said she did not know how I really feel about her any more or if I wanted to ever talk to her again.
I felt this opened the door.
I told her that I still loved her and her son and that I would really like to come to the point where we could work things out between us. That we could become what we should be; not what we were that led to this.
I told her I felt she closed the door since she never called me back.
She told me that she never closed the door and that we still do have a chance but that she was still working on her other issues.




I was very happy to get a response like this, but tried to stay calm.
I told her that I did have friends waiting, and she said she understood.

I told her she could call any time she wanted to talk again, and she said she would soon.
We wished each other goodnight.

I felt very relived to get a call, I know not to get too excited about any of this right now.
I do feel however, that this was a positive call and a step in the right direction.

DesertEyes

Way cool Mr. C. Everything you posted shows that your relationship is growing in a healthy direction for both of you. Sounds to me like you will both eventually come out of this stronger and happier, regardless of the details of the outcome.

Congratulations on working your program so good :-)

Mike :-)

Mr. Christian

Hello DesertEyes,

I’m just moving slow here. I really do not want to get to excited about it yet. We all know what it is like to be disappointed.

I do have to thank God for this baby step .

I am very happy that she was interested about me for once, without asking for anything.

Christian

Mr. Christian

Question, who put the mouse next to my name? :reporter:
Last night I stayed home and did some reading. I’m still trying to beat this cold. I have a meeting later tonight I’ll be going to.
I know it might take some time for her to call back so I can not wait on that. I know now that I feel some hope and connection again. There really was not a negative input to her call, which was good.

There is a big company Christmas party this Saturday. They have it on a ship in the harbor.
It sounds like it might be interesting.

minnie

Mr C

I'm glad you're feeling more positive about things - hopefully, this is not just because your wife called. Us codies do have a tendency to rely on others for our happiness!

Please be careful. Unrecovered As can be manipulative. I am a little wary that she asked twice whether you were involved with anyone else. I hope she's not making sure that you are still "on-side" so that she has somewhere else to run to when the sh*t hits the fan.

Sorry if this is more downbeat that you would wish - I hope I'm not projecting my own stuff onto your situation.

Take care and look after YOU

Love

Minnie
xxx

DesertEyes

There's a playful imp running around here that goes around sticking cute avatars on people's names. That's how I wound up being called Mr. Broccoli head :-) Think of it as getting a private nickname cuz people here have taken a liking to you :-)

Mike :-)
( who in real life does _not_ look like a broccolli )

Mr. Christian

Minnie,
I know about thinking ahead of myself. She also talked about her drinking, and that she knew she had a problem drinking more and more as she got unhappy. Now this is something she is working on, I guess in her own way. I have no idea how she is though.

Mike,
I really don't look much like a mouse either.

Christian

Mr. Christian

Hello all!

Well it was back to work today. I still feel pretty good about my contact with my wife.
The meeting with Al-anon was different last night. We had a tree trimming party with Al-ateen.
It went well..

I have to really have thank my higher power for being on that road Friday night and being seen by her or her friends. Because the word got to her and she contacted me.
I also like the fact she asked about my program and wondered if I was still in Al-anon.
Funny how things work, they just seem to work out sometimes.
I’ll be at the Al-athon this weekend, working on some ticket sales.
This will be my 1st one.


Christian

Mr. Christian

is Anyone Here Tonight??????

DesertEyes

Heya Mr. C.

Long hard day, about ready to sack out. Will try and make it to the Saturday alathon, maybe I'll cya there :-)

Mike :-)

Mr. Christian

Ok Gang,
I need some help here.
My “W” & I lived a wild life, and that hurt our marriage also. One of the people who we knew was also a drug dealer. Yes I know what you are going to say.. WE were into a lot more then I like to remember.

Well shortly after she moved out I ran into this persons former girl friend. We talked and she has spoke to my wife. So we had a common thing to speak of we talked later that evening and she told me also how glad she was to rid herself of this guy. Now we were all friends before, so I thought nothing of it.
Well 2 days later he beat her up for talking to me, and threatened to kill me. That was in July. I already went to the police about it.

Well now he is trying to contact my wife, via email. I think he was at the former club looking for her also.
Now this might not be anything, but I do not know.
He could also rip apart all I worked on with her in the past few months.

I need advice!

DesertEyes

Mr. C.,

My suggestion is a restraining order. Since you have already been to the police over this matter it will be a simple piece of paperwork. Email contact can be declared harrasment _and_ stalking in California, so get a hold of the "victims advocate" at your local police station and they'll get you all set up.

Mike :-)