Lost In OC
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Lost In OC
Hello,
I have a long story here, so I’ll give you a little back ground, it is not pretty.
My “W” had a great job working as an office Mgr. for one of the biggest financial advisors here in Calf.
I my self work as an industrial inspector for a nation wide pest control company. Now these jobs came after us being together for awhile, but I wanted you to know what we were doing before she started dancing.
A friend of hers started dancing about a year prior to this and kept putting it in my wife’s ear about trying it. Oh we had major arguments about this, big ones. But she wanted to try this out, see what it was like. Now, since I was such a controlling SOB well hell. No, I knew she had the free will to do this and I was not the type to stand in her way.
She tried it , came home the 1st time with $500 cash. The seed was planted .
I did not want her to stop her day job, it was great. But nope, she wanted her freedom to work when she wanted , and for 5 times the money in half the time.
She quickly became very popular, very good at the stage shows and costumes. This was old fashion burlesque she brought back . The $$$ was rolling in. Now she was not drinking at the club at this point. She was just doing it weekends, drinking, getting drunk, and starting to change. When this was happening our clubbing became more and more.
We became very popular in the dance club scene, different then the strip club scene, so please don’t get the 2 mixed up.
As I met more people I got involved helping them promote their clubs. She wanted me to quit my day job and go after a dream, I was scared but she said no worries we can do it.
We did, lot of failed attempts but some good.
Then we made the mistake of packing up and going to Vegas, a big mistake. I could not get work, and she started to drink, HEAVY. She could not compete with dancers that gave sexual favors, she was dying. We got out of Vegas, lost everything.
The 2 jobs I had lined up back here in Cali fell through, work became hard to find for me, age and what I was doing hurt.
So I went back to promoting, this time the club she danced at. I found a place, grew very well in the industry. I found a niche since I now knew the biz. Now we were both rolling in dough.
Sky’s the limit baby!
Her web site had over 4 million visitors; she was famous out here.
Print and TV ads, a part in a movie, shows, the list went on.
Parties, drugs, drinking and more and more we fell from grace. The celebrities I met and wish I never did, range from sports to movies. Slowly she was getting worse. We were on the path of destruction.
Well I left the biz, went back to a normal job, or tried to. To much politics and backstabbing. I wanted her to stop; she did 3 times in fact, but kept returning.
Well I came home one day to the I don’t love you any more speech. Now every 6 months or so she would say she was unhappy and want to leave. But now this was it.
I went through so much with her, getting sick DUI’s, fights, passing out, more getting sick, and being the only one here taking care of my step son.
She ended up moving into her son’s fathers house, EX’#2. Stayed for 2 months.
Showed up one day with her Aunt and Uncle, and Ex# 1. Now Ex#1 was a childhood friend who her Aunt/ Uncle adore , they raised her. They were married 1 month until he beat her broke her fingers, and put a gun to her head.
Well they showed up to clear my house out, but I stopped them with help from local PD.
It has been since June since she has left. She calls me, I have no number.
I hear she lives with this guy now, and she just calls if she need something.
One Friday morning she called saying it was not over, we need to sort things out. I was very pleased.
After a week of nothing….
I did have contact with “W”’s ex 2. I told him I was worried, and he said the following.
On Friday night my “W” and this OM were in a truck driving, there was an accident.
The man in the other car was killed. My wife has a cracked vertebrate, among other injuries.
The EX#1 was driving, I know nothing more. Ex told me she wanted me to know what had happened to her.
I was crushed to say the least. My wife is hurt, and I could do nothing. A life was lost, I can do nothing.
Ex also informed me that she was living with “EX#1”.
She did call, we have talked many times, her telling me that it was not over for us, but so much is going on there.
It is a roller coaster that is eating me up.
I am a member of AL_ANON, I go to meetings all the time. My wife was drinking at the age of 10, always has had a problem, but I was to blind to see it getting worse.
I love her very much, but I can not do anything right now.
I just know I have very little left, I feel I’m fading fast here
I have a long story here, so I’ll give you a little back ground, it is not pretty.
My “W” had a great job working as an office Mgr. for one of the biggest financial advisors here in Calf.
I my self work as an industrial inspector for a nation wide pest control company. Now these jobs came after us being together for awhile, but I wanted you to know what we were doing before she started dancing.
A friend of hers started dancing about a year prior to this and kept putting it in my wife’s ear about trying it. Oh we had major arguments about this, big ones. But she wanted to try this out, see what it was like. Now, since I was such a controlling SOB well hell. No, I knew she had the free will to do this and I was not the type to stand in her way.
She tried it , came home the 1st time with $500 cash. The seed was planted .
I did not want her to stop her day job, it was great. But nope, she wanted her freedom to work when she wanted , and for 5 times the money in half the time.
She quickly became very popular, very good at the stage shows and costumes. This was old fashion burlesque she brought back . The $$$ was rolling in. Now she was not drinking at the club at this point. She was just doing it weekends, drinking, getting drunk, and starting to change. When this was happening our clubbing became more and more.
We became very popular in the dance club scene, different then the strip club scene, so please don’t get the 2 mixed up.
As I met more people I got involved helping them promote their clubs. She wanted me to quit my day job and go after a dream, I was scared but she said no worries we can do it.
We did, lot of failed attempts but some good.
Then we made the mistake of packing up and going to Vegas, a big mistake. I could not get work, and she started to drink, HEAVY. She could not compete with dancers that gave sexual favors, she was dying. We got out of Vegas, lost everything.
The 2 jobs I had lined up back here in Cali fell through, work became hard to find for me, age and what I was doing hurt.
So I went back to promoting, this time the club she danced at. I found a place, grew very well in the industry. I found a niche since I now knew the biz. Now we were both rolling in dough.
Sky’s the limit baby!
Her web site had over 4 million visitors; she was famous out here.
Print and TV ads, a part in a movie, shows, the list went on.
Parties, drugs, drinking and more and more we fell from grace. The celebrities I met and wish I never did, range from sports to movies. Slowly she was getting worse. We were on the path of destruction.
Well I left the biz, went back to a normal job, or tried to. To much politics and backstabbing. I wanted her to stop; she did 3 times in fact, but kept returning.
Well I came home one day to the I don’t love you any more speech. Now every 6 months or so she would say she was unhappy and want to leave. But now this was it.
I went through so much with her, getting sick DUI’s, fights, passing out, more getting sick, and being the only one here taking care of my step son.
She ended up moving into her son’s fathers house, EX’#2. Stayed for 2 months.
Showed up one day with her Aunt and Uncle, and Ex# 1. Now Ex#1 was a childhood friend who her Aunt/ Uncle adore , they raised her. They were married 1 month until he beat her broke her fingers, and put a gun to her head.
Well they showed up to clear my house out, but I stopped them with help from local PD.
It has been since June since she has left. She calls me, I have no number.
I hear she lives with this guy now, and she just calls if she need something.
One Friday morning she called saying it was not over, we need to sort things out. I was very pleased.
After a week of nothing….
I did have contact with “W”’s ex 2. I told him I was worried, and he said the following.
On Friday night my “W” and this OM were in a truck driving, there was an accident.
The man in the other car was killed. My wife has a cracked vertebrate, among other injuries.
The EX#1 was driving, I know nothing more. Ex told me she wanted me to know what had happened to her.
I was crushed to say the least. My wife is hurt, and I could do nothing. A life was lost, I can do nothing.
Ex also informed me that she was living with “EX#1”.
She did call, we have talked many times, her telling me that it was not over for us, but so much is going on there.
It is a roller coaster that is eating me up.
I am a member of AL_ANON, I go to meetings all the time. My wife was drinking at the age of 10, always has had a problem, but I was to blind to see it getting worse.
I love her very much, but I can not do anything right now.
I just know I have very little left, I feel I’m fading fast here
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome to SR.
I'm sorry you are going through so much pain at the moment.
What do YOU want from your life? Your wife seems to be calling all the shots here. Sounds like she has a lot of men around who will pick up the pieces for her.
I don't know what to say, apart from we're all here if you want to let off steam.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
I'm sorry you are going through so much pain at the moment.
What do YOU want from your life? Your wife seems to be calling all the shots here. Sounds like she has a lot of men around who will pick up the pieces for her.
I don't know what to say, apart from we're all here if you want to let off steam.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
(((Mr. Christian))) I can't be of much help here as your background is completely different than mine but I can say, Welcome to SR. There are some people on this board who will come along to give you the benefit of their wisdom and experience.
Read Morning Glory's post on boundaries. I just read it this morning and it makes a lot of sense. I can see what I'm doing wrong.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. We care...
Read Morning Glory's post on boundaries. I just read it this morning and it makes a lot of sense. I can see what I'm doing wrong.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. We care...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Welcome Mr. Christian.
We understand what you're going through. You're doing a pretty good job of talking yourself through this. I'm glad you came to talk to us, though. We've been there and we DO want to hear it. Keep posting.
Hugs,
Smoke
We understand what you're going through. You're doing a pretty good job of talking yourself through this. I'm glad you came to talk to us, though. We've been there and we DO want to hear it. Keep posting.
Hugs,
Smoke
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Lost In OC
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
I'm so glad someone is out there.
I woke up crying again, when does this end?
Will she ever find help?
Will she ever stop and think and remeber us and our love?
I miss my step son so much, it just does not seem right.
It's a nice holiday, my 1st big one alone.
If it was not for a fellow Al-anon member I would have no where to go today.
His family has opened their doors to me.
I just wish I had my family was with me.
I'm so glad someone is out there.
I woke up crying again, when does this end?
Will she ever find help?
Will she ever stop and think and remeber us and our love?
I miss my step son so much, it just does not seem right.
It's a nice holiday, my 1st big one alone.
If it was not for a fellow Al-anon member I would have no where to go today.
His family has opened their doors to me.
I just wish I had my family was with me.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
How are the rest of you dealing with the holidays? I’m not doing to well.
I hate feeling left behind like this. I so want to call her relatives to ask her to call me. You see she gave me no number.
I would ask WHY like this? Why leave and shut me out of everything including my stepson?
I need some help here people…
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Mr Christian...what is your Al Anon background telling you?? Of course you can't fix this...or her. What is it that you want in your own life? Are you straight and employed now?
The past is comfortable...the future is unknown. It can be scary to not know where you are going and the holidays don't help our judgment. Is there anything to make you believe (not think) that things might be better if you get involved with her again?
Hugs and welcome,
JT
The past is comfortable...the future is unknown. It can be scary to not know where you are going and the holidays don't help our judgment. Is there anything to make you believe (not think) that things might be better if you get involved with her again?
Hugs and welcome,
JT
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Mr. Christian-I'm afraid you will never know why. I asked the same question of my husband when he left to go to his dad's and never came back because he moved in with a prostitute and coke dealer. I will never know why. It is a disease. You didn't cause it, You can't cure it and You can't control it.
I know it rips your heart out. To this day I have to constantly keep myself from picking up the phone and begging my husband "Please don't do this".
But you have to take care of you. Otherwise their illness will eat you alive.
Read the posts on this board, read the stickys at the top of the page do whatever you have to do to get you through today. Then do it again tomorrow. You can't fix her, you can't fix her problem, You can only control your own actions. You can only try to make your own life better.
I'm new here as well so I don't have all the answers. But I just wanted you to know that the people on this board care. I care. You are not alone.
Hugs and Prayers
Ms. B
I know it rips your heart out. To this day I have to constantly keep myself from picking up the phone and begging my husband "Please don't do this".
But you have to take care of you. Otherwise their illness will eat you alive.
Read the posts on this board, read the stickys at the top of the page do whatever you have to do to get you through today. Then do it again tomorrow. You can't fix her, you can't fix her problem, You can only control your own actions. You can only try to make your own life better.
I'm new here as well so I don't have all the answers. But I just wanted you to know that the people on this board care. I care. You are not alone.
Hugs and Prayers
Ms. B
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hi,
JT: Al-anon tells me to work on myself, keep positive and she has to work on herself.
Yes I am straight, and working, have been.
I wish things would be better with my wife, not the same.
I know she needs help also, I wish she would get it.
Frankly: It is hard to understand anything with this. She has been drinking since she was 10, and drugs at the age of 8.
I went through the begging part, and she called me a lot there for awhile. But now nothing. She moved in with a former boyfriend/husband that tried to kill her once.
I’m going crazy here alone.
But I’m glad you there, thank you.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Mr. Christian - It sure is hard doing this alone isn't it. If it weren't for this board I think I would be in the looney bin. Thanksgiving was bad and I don't even want to think about Christmas. But we will make it through. We just have to have faith in ourselves.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Mr. Christian--I'm glad you have alanon and I'm glad you hear what they are saying.
In time you may realize you don't really want her back you want what you percieved
your life with her would be--not the life you were living. In a lot of ways it's like
giving up on a dream. I sense that you care about her wellbeing and there is nothing
wrong with that and you miss the life that you wanted to have with her, but surly
you do not want the messed up life she was living. Please keep in touch we all care
about you and we want to be here for you.--Smiles---Dee
In time you may realize you don't really want her back you want what you percieved
your life with her would be--not the life you were living. In a lot of ways it's like
giving up on a dream. I sense that you care about her wellbeing and there is nothing
wrong with that and you miss the life that you wanted to have with her, but surly
you do not want the messed up life she was living. Please keep in touch we all care
about you and we want to be here for you.--Smiles---Dee
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hi,
Frankly, TG was a kicker, can we just forget about Christmas??
Dee:
We had some great times together, and truly were in love. I have a box of love notes this woman had wrote me during our time together, mainly the 1st few years, and the courtship part.
Our wedding was great and we even renewed our vows last year.
So far I went through her b-day , our anniv., halloween and Thankgiving alone, with out even a call.
It's hard my friends, I dont want the messed up part, I want the loving part back.
She just gets in more trouble while she has been gone.
The last mess was the car crash that got someone killed!
This does not seem real at times, it's like a bad dream.
Christian
Frankly, TG was a kicker, can we just forget about Christmas??
Dee:
We had some great times together, and truly were in love. I have a box of love notes this woman had wrote me during our time together, mainly the 1st few years, and the courtship part.
Our wedding was great and we even renewed our vows last year.
So far I went through her b-day , our anniv., halloween and Thankgiving alone, with out even a call.
It's hard my friends, I dont want the messed up part, I want the loving part back.
She just gets in more trouble while she has been gone.
The last mess was the car crash that got someone killed!
This does not seem real at times, it's like a bad dream.
Christian
Last edited by Mr. Christian; 11-27-2004 at 06:08 PM.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well i've been doing a lot of praying, working out, and I now go to church.
I have a better job now , more $$ and full insurance.
I go to meetings 3 to 4 times aweek.
I went out today and bought a nice overcoat, I've never had one, just jackets.
It's very nice, I almost felt guilty doing it. I've done so much for "US", you know I really found out I never had a "ME".
I still love her so much, and I miss them both very much.
Im' very worried about them.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
I know you are. I'm worried about my husband and my step daughter. No matter what we do, with all the good intentions to work our own programs, we still worry. It's part of loving people. It's natural. Just don't let it take over. If we spend all our time worrying look at all the time we wasted. Life is too short for that. I don't want to look back on my life when I'm sitting in my rocking chair on the front porch and think you know what I wish I hadn't wasted that month or that year or those years worrying so much. I wish I had used that time to live life.
Grateful For His Love...
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: scottsdale arizona
Posts: 59
MR. Christian I feel your pain...I am powerless like you, I believe a better life is possible. i have had to put all my loved ones and myself in Gods hands and trust him and serve him. When i do this I feel at peace...Knowing he can do for them what i can't. My parents are alcoholic, my siblings are drug addicts, my children drink to much. My sister just died of an overdose a few weeks ago... I choose today to love myself enough to stay focused on my recovery and put my personal relationship with the Lord as my first priority. I wish my sweet jesus would come soon and put an end to all this suffering. My hope is in him... PEACE and LOVE be with you...
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Frankly:
I'm worried for myself, the reason being , I can't stop thinking of her.
All the times together, both good and bad. Her beautiful green eyes, and the sweet smell of her hair. I feel like I'm being held in chains with this.
I wish I could live, I feel very dead right now.
Blessed:
Thank you for writing. I'm sorry to hear about your family. You know one night I prayed for God to take me away, because I was in so much mental pain over all this. It would seem so much easier.
I wish we all could find some peace & love.....soon.
I'm worried for myself, the reason being , I can't stop thinking of her.
All the times together, both good and bad. Her beautiful green eyes, and the sweet smell of her hair. I feel like I'm being held in chains with this.
I wish I could live, I feel very dead right now.
Blessed:
Thank you for writing. I'm sorry to hear about your family. You know one night I prayed for God to take me away, because I was in so much mental pain over all this. It would seem so much easier.
I wish we all could find some peace & love.....soon.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Confession time huh? Well so far I've just about prayed that same thing every day. Sad huh. I am emotionally crippled. But recognizing the problem is the first step to healing.
I too am having that same problem with remembering all the good things, what is amazing to me each day that passes all the bad things that happened seem to be fading away and I'm left with the good memories just taunting me. A lot of this is relationship breakup issues, but having delt with the addiction issues for so long, I believe that it left me emotionally unable to cope with the breakup issue. It just wore me down. If I don't get a handle on it soon it will become an obsession issue. Man I need to trade in some of these issues for a box of laughter. Do you think they would have any trade-in value?
I too am having that same problem with remembering all the good things, what is amazing to me each day that passes all the bad things that happened seem to be fading away and I'm left with the good memories just taunting me. A lot of this is relationship breakup issues, but having delt with the addiction issues for so long, I believe that it left me emotionally unable to cope with the breakup issue. It just wore me down. If I don't get a handle on it soon it will become an obsession issue. Man I need to trade in some of these issues for a box of laughter. Do you think they would have any trade-in value?
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Mr. Christian;
Please know I have heard you and we here at SR understand as perphaps few others can. We have all been there one way or another. Some pain is necessary for my spiritual growth HOWEVER misery is optional. You can at this point choose to live the life your Higher Power has given you to live or you can choose to go on being miserable. You do have choices. We all do whether we like to admit it or not.
I find it terribly hard to believe that a kind and loving Higher Power would create one life just with one person who obviously chooses not to be there today.
Know that I say this out of the greatest love and respect for you as a child of my Higher Power. My program teaches me that if you ask the question I must give you as honest of an answer as my experience, strength and hope guides me to.
You hold all the answers to your life. Most times I just have to quiet my waters, so to speak, in order to hear what I am being told. I would ask you one question which might just help you find an answer for yourself.
HOW MUCH OF "YOU" ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE UP TO BE WITH THIS PERSON WHO HAS CHOSEN NOT TO BE THERE?
After all, you've been though so far, do you honestly want to continue with this relationship. That choice is yours and yours alone. But I urge you to try to become quiet and listen for good orderly direction from your H.P.
In the meantime, I will surround you with all the love in the fellowship and all the prayers at hand.
We are here 24/7, though it might take some of us a while to answer you personally.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone unless you chose to be. Al-Anon and SR are right here along with your Higher Power.
Sincerely, Daffodil
Please know I have heard you and we here at SR understand as perphaps few others can. We have all been there one way or another. Some pain is necessary for my spiritual growth HOWEVER misery is optional. You can at this point choose to live the life your Higher Power has given you to live or you can choose to go on being miserable. You do have choices. We all do whether we like to admit it or not.
I find it terribly hard to believe that a kind and loving Higher Power would create one life just with one person who obviously chooses not to be there today.
Know that I say this out of the greatest love and respect for you as a child of my Higher Power. My program teaches me that if you ask the question I must give you as honest of an answer as my experience, strength and hope guides me to.
You hold all the answers to your life. Most times I just have to quiet my waters, so to speak, in order to hear what I am being told. I would ask you one question which might just help you find an answer for yourself.
HOW MUCH OF "YOU" ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE UP TO BE WITH THIS PERSON WHO HAS CHOSEN NOT TO BE THERE?
After all, you've been though so far, do you honestly want to continue with this relationship. That choice is yours and yours alone. But I urge you to try to become quiet and listen for good orderly direction from your H.P.
In the meantime, I will surround you with all the love in the fellowship and all the prayers at hand.
We are here 24/7, though it might take some of us a while to answer you personally.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone unless you chose to be. Al-Anon and SR are right here along with your Higher Power.
Sincerely, Daffodil
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Mr. Christian--I certainly understand all those wonderful memorys before the chaos
takes over. Sometimes I'm not sure I can go on without my AH==then I wake up and it's a new day. When I realized I was hurting for something that isn't the same any more I started taking little forward steps. I think most of us are mourning the loss of a relationship and it is slow and painful process. It's time to put yourself first.
Let go and let God------Smiles --Dee
takes over. Sometimes I'm not sure I can go on without my AH==then I wake up and it's a new day. When I realized I was hurting for something that isn't the same any more I started taking little forward steps. I think most of us are mourning the loss of a relationship and it is slow and painful process. It's time to put yourself first.
Let go and let God------Smiles --Dee
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