Lost In OC
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Does this work?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=48141
Mr C, I really feel the pain that you have been going through this past year. I have to ask, though, what is your payoff for dwelling on these thoughts? You seem so locked into this pattern of thinking that it is bound to be a circle of despair. This thread is 18 pages long, however you don't seem to identify with and post on other peoples' threads. What are you DOING to get yourself out of this cycle.
Please know that I say this with love and compassion. I am not trying to beat you up about this, however life is too short not to take advantage of all the good things that are out there. We have all been in the situation you describe - after all, we wouldn't be posting on here if life was a bed of roses.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=48141
Mr C, I really feel the pain that you have been going through this past year. I have to ask, though, what is your payoff for dwelling on these thoughts? You seem so locked into this pattern of thinking that it is bound to be a circle of despair. This thread is 18 pages long, however you don't seem to identify with and post on other peoples' threads. What are you DOING to get yourself out of this cycle.
Please know that I say this with love and compassion. I am not trying to beat you up about this, however life is too short not to take advantage of all the good things that are out there. We have all been in the situation you describe - after all, we wouldn't be posting on here if life was a bed of roses.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
You made a good point Minnie..Christian, don't think for once that people that respond to other people's threads "have their act together"..cause I really don't..some days are better than others for me..Sometimes when I try and help others, its actually mental therapy for myself.. (and trust me, I need all the mental therapy I can get) ha 
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Minnie..
I in fact a couple days ago started posting on other threads. You must have missed it.
I guess I really wasnt posting because I thought I was so messed up, how could I help another?
Now as far as the circle. I think being in love with someone might tend to do that.
I dont know, I can just speak for myself.
I in fact a couple days ago started posting on other threads. You must have missed it.
I guess I really wasnt posting because I thought I was so messed up, how could I help another?
Now as far as the circle. I think being in love with someone might tend to do that.
I dont know, I can just speak for myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Good for you!
So much for me copying a shortcut... 
Sometimes it's easier to think that your own opinions/experiences etc... don't make a difference but you never know what you have to say may just literally save that person's or another person reading's life.
I look at when things were at their worst for me, I hadn't found a board like this... and there were some pretty dark days where I would have loved to have some one to talk/type to or get feedback from... so I try to pass forward my own compassion for myself and learn some more life lessons along the way.
So much for me copying a shortcut... Sometimes it's easier to think that your own opinions/experiences etc... don't make a difference but you never know what you have to say may just literally save that person's or another person reading's life.
I look at when things were at their worst for me, I hadn't found a board like this... and there were some pretty dark days where I would have loved to have some one to talk/type to or get feedback from... so I try to pass forward my own compassion for myself and learn some more life lessons along the way.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Thanks RiverCityBelle,
I did follow the link. It touched on so many things I have been going through.
My wife and I were meshed in every way, so taking that part of me and ripping it away is the most painful thing I had ever felt.
I guess that is the best way to explain it.
It's very hard not to call or send her a letter, I still feel like I have so much to say.
But, I get nothing in return, not even a thank you. No hellos, or how are you,,,, nothing.
Am I still alive? I think I'm still here.
I did follow the link. It touched on so many things I have been going through.
My wife and I were meshed in every way, so taking that part of me and ripping it away is the most painful thing I had ever felt.
I guess that is the best way to explain it.
It's very hard not to call or send her a letter, I still feel like I have so much to say.
But, I get nothing in return, not even a thank you. No hellos, or how are you,,,, nothing.
Am I still alive? I think I'm still here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Christian -
As Dr. Phil says, "what is the payoff you are receiving" for hanging on to this relationship? Why are you fighting so hard to hang on to the dream of your relationship instead of allowing yourself to move forward? It can't feel good to continue to grieve as much as you do. It hurts terribly to have your hopes and dreams destroyed but as long as you keep trying to figure out why she thinks and acts the way she does it doesn't leave much room for you to move forward and start to leave the pain behind. Continuing to obsess about what you can do to fix things and what went wrong is robbing you of your future. Are you able to enjoy the little things in life like a blooming flower, kids laughing and giggling, a sunny day, the wind in your face? You get the idea. When you are able to notice and enjoy the small things is when you know that you are on the road back. You are at a fork in that road and I hope you are able to choose the one that is best for you.
Hugs, Jo
As Dr. Phil says, "what is the payoff you are receiving" for hanging on to this relationship? Why are you fighting so hard to hang on to the dream of your relationship instead of allowing yourself to move forward? It can't feel good to continue to grieve as much as you do. It hurts terribly to have your hopes and dreams destroyed but as long as you keep trying to figure out why she thinks and acts the way she does it doesn't leave much room for you to move forward and start to leave the pain behind. Continuing to obsess about what you can do to fix things and what went wrong is robbing you of your future. Are you able to enjoy the little things in life like a blooming flower, kids laughing and giggling, a sunny day, the wind in your face? You get the idea. When you are able to notice and enjoy the small things is when you know that you are on the road back. You are at a fork in that road and I hope you are able to choose the one that is best for you.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Now as far as the circle. I think being in love with someone might tend to do that.
This doesn't sound like love, it sounds like obsession. My ex seems to be obsessed with me and it is actually a scary place to be, both for him and me. I have made it clear to him that I no longer want a relationship with him. I can understand why he might not hear my words, but for goodness sake, I moved to the other end of the country to get away from him!
You will never understand why your wife has done the things she has and why she isn't coming back. I'm fairly certain that even she hasn't the slightest inkling. But she has made it quite clear that your relationship is over. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but you are wasting your life dwelling on the past.
I understand that it is tremendously painful. If we enmesh ourselves so much with another, then it is painful to have that part of us removed. But remove them we must, even if we are still in a relationship. Losing ourselves in another surely cannot be a healthy way to live.
I hope you are able to grab your future with both hands.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Hey C-
I see this from a different viewpoint...because you and I see each other now and again and talk things over from time to time.
When you were able to let go...just a little...you were almost immediately blessed. New job, better income, it happened. But that has more to do with your physical/household comfort. I honestly believe Minnie is right...this has become an obcession. You KNOW better in your mind, but you are having trouble convincing your heart.
We've all said it..THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOU And, IF YOU KEEP DOING THE SAME THINGS YOU'RE GOING TO GET THE SAME RESULTS!
Your wife may or may not ever "get it". You are allowing negative emotions and someone else to have control over you. And, you keep doing the same things, waiting for her, reaching out for her. Unlike our DVD machines, people do not have a PAUSE button...it's time to move forward, Mr. C. Release the "pause". Open your mind and heart to new people and new adventures. DO NEW THINGS! Your wife will always reside somewhere in your heart, but that's the marvelous thing about hearts...their capacity is unlimited.
You're my pal and I speak from my heart and as you know, often a bit bluntly. I have visions of us still networking ten years from now, both successful in our careers AND with joy filled personal lives. WE CAN DO IT!
I see this from a different viewpoint...because you and I see each other now and again and talk things over from time to time.
When you were able to let go...just a little...you were almost immediately blessed. New job, better income, it happened. But that has more to do with your physical/household comfort. I honestly believe Minnie is right...this has become an obcession. You KNOW better in your mind, but you are having trouble convincing your heart.
We've all said it..THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOU And, IF YOU KEEP DOING THE SAME THINGS YOU'RE GOING TO GET THE SAME RESULTS!
Your wife may or may not ever "get it". You are allowing negative emotions and someone else to have control over you. And, you keep doing the same things, waiting for her, reaching out for her. Unlike our DVD machines, people do not have a PAUSE button...it's time to move forward, Mr. C. Release the "pause". Open your mind and heart to new people and new adventures. DO NEW THINGS! Your wife will always reside somewhere in your heart, but that's the marvelous thing about hearts...their capacity is unlimited.
You're my pal and I speak from my heart and as you know, often a bit bluntly. I have visions of us still networking ten years from now, both successful in our careers AND with joy filled personal lives. WE CAN DO IT!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Am I still alive? I think I'm still here.
No matter how wonderful, grand, awesome...blah blah blah the past may have been at one time of your lives, you can't focus on it and hope she's going to get a dose of fairy dust and everything will be peachy. It's the here and now...continuing to live in the past will keep you there and will keep you unhealthy.
This thread has been going on for months. I too wondered if you were obcessed with her. Very unhealthy. There is much love to be had out there. What you're holding onto isn't love. My worry for you is that you're missing all the wonderful things out there because of your fixation. Just take a few moments to ask yourself...how can you be in love with someone who doesn't and won't reciprocate the feelings and emotion? It's like wishing for the frog to turn into a prince. Impossible. Makes me wonder if there isn't something else going on.
Let Go and Let God.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Thank you all for writing.
Obsession, yes I often wonder that myself. Where is that line of love that turns into obsession?
I have done a great deal new stuff for myself and I often wonder when the “pain” will end or if it ever does.
I guess a lot of this can be my own doing of dwelling in the past of my life with my family, but then again a decade with a wife and child are not easy to let go of and say “NEXT!”
I took a nice ride today with the top down in the car. It’s in the 90’s here right now, perfect weather.
Last night I went to a friend’s house from Alanon. He had a movie night in his backyard on a projection screen.
It was nice.
I have taken a look at a lot this weekend and thoughts abound. I do understand what you all are saying, I really do.
I have a lunch date tomorrow. Yep that’s right. I met a girl that works in the same bldg. that I do, and we are going to lunch.
I’m a bit nervous to tell you the truth; In fact I just spoke to her a few moments ago. She was out shopping with her mother and really could not talk too much, but did confirm that we were on for Monday.
Please understand this feels really strange for me. It just does. But I’m going to do it.
Obsession, yes I often wonder that myself. Where is that line of love that turns into obsession?
I have done a great deal new stuff for myself and I often wonder when the “pain” will end or if it ever does.
I guess a lot of this can be my own doing of dwelling in the past of my life with my family, but then again a decade with a wife and child are not easy to let go of and say “NEXT!”
I took a nice ride today with the top down in the car. It’s in the 90’s here right now, perfect weather.
Last night I went to a friend’s house from Alanon. He had a movie night in his backyard on a projection screen.
It was nice.
I have taken a look at a lot this weekend and thoughts abound. I do understand what you all are saying, I really do.
I have a lunch date tomorrow. Yep that’s right. I met a girl that works in the same bldg. that I do, and we are going to lunch.
I’m a bit nervous to tell you the truth; In fact I just spoke to her a few moments ago. She was out shopping with her mother and really could not talk too much, but did confirm that we were on for Monday.
Please understand this feels really strange for me. It just does. But I’m going to do it.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Yay!!! That's the spirit!!
I would never, ever say that getting over the hurt is easy. I do know, however, that we are all too precious to stay stuck in a rut.
Hope the date goes well. Just chill and enjoy it.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I would never, ever say that getting over the hurt is easy. I do know, however, that we are all too precious to stay stuck in a rut.
Hope the date goes well. Just chill and enjoy it.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Congrads on the Lunchon...
BTW Mr. C, I do know exactaly how you fee.... hence me going to Al-non. Even though Im doing things, working, dating, church etc.... I still feel stuck... I still have issues with it all and Im still not over him.
But I will be ... hopefully soon but I know I will be over this one day, I know if I just keep doing the next step it has to stop hurting.... maybe its faith.
Just keep doing and the rest is bound to come
BTW Mr. C, I do know exactaly how you fee.... hence me going to Al-non. Even though Im doing things, working, dating, church etc.... I still feel stuck... I still have issues with it all and Im still not over him.
But I will be ... hopefully soon but I know I will be over this one day, I know if I just keep doing the next step it has to stop hurting.... maybe its faith.
Just keep doing and the rest is bound to come
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hi,
The lunch went well.
It was funny she didn’t show up for work till about an half hour before lunch.
I was getting a bit worried, but that’s my nature.
She looked nice and we ate outside at a little Mexican place near work.
I made sure the conversation was light and I focused it all on her.
I thought it went well, I enjoyed it and she looked happy and we laugh a lot so I was pleased.
So , I guess I can exhale now.
The lunch went well.
It was funny she didn’t show up for work till about an half hour before lunch.
I was getting a bit worried, but that’s my nature.
She looked nice and we ate outside at a little Mexican place near work.
I made sure the conversation was light and I focused it all on her.
I thought it went well, I enjoyed it and she looked happy and we laugh a lot so I was pleased.
So , I guess I can exhale now.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
