Lost In OC

Old 11-29-2004, 08:05 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
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Hi, Coldgrip.
Yes the money is addictive, but I think deep down we both hated it.
Hew drinking got worse with it. She did not drink @ work when she started.
We moved to Vegas and she drank, then when we came back to cali., it got worse.
Any time she stopped dancing and worked a 9 to 5, less drinking, and we got along better.
But it was always there
the weekend drinking should have been a clue for me.

Now we have this, and it's killing me.
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Old 11-29-2004, 08:15 AM
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Good morning Mr.C

Just thought I'd drop in to let you know I've been saying prayers for you.

I truly hope you see a sun beam today.
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Old 11-29-2004, 08:52 AM
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Unhappy

Good morning Daffodil,

I had a rough night, no sleep. I could not stop my head or my heart.
I keep feeleng like I'm being ripped apart inside, I never knew nothing like this before.
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Old 11-29-2004, 08:24 PM
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Hi,
Work was good today, very busy.
I still keep hoping I might hear a sign of life out of my wife, but who knows.
I tried to talk with my Father tonight, that was the wrong thing to do.
He feels I should of seen my wife’s problems long before we married, and it’s my fault.

He does not understand the Al-anon thing and feels I’m wasting my time.
Thanks dad!

What was I thinking
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Old 11-29-2004, 11:26 PM
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Mr. Christian,

It is not only the money issue, dancing is addictive, there are so many things involved, things you think you know but you do not, you never will be in her shoes. I am telling you this so you do not over look it. Her dancing will be an addiction that needs to be broken as well.

The drugs and drinking is another addictition. I was trying to point out there are many things going on in her situation. There is nothing cut and dry about it.

From what you wrote She has people to pick up the pieces, she does not have to think, deal, accept anything.

She will do what she will do and nothing you will/can do change that. Please look out for yourself. I know it hurts and it is hard. You are not alone.

We are here for you.
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:28 AM
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Hi Coldgrip,
Yes people are picking up the pieces, she called on them.
In fact they are just as messed up as her. Her Uncle and Aunt raised her, so she calls them Mom and Dad. He is also an alcoholic, who abused her on every level.
Why go back to this? Why go back to a guy that alomost killed her?
I even asked her family, why they think this guy was ok? Well he said it wont happen again.
You know they kept pushing them together. Even gave our number to him. Did the same thing to her other husband.
Why can this happen?
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Old 11-30-2004, 08:08 AM
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Why you ask?

the only thing that came to my mind was they tend to stick to their own kind.

you may never find the answers, I understand your frustration, and pains. You need to think about you.

The person you loved is not there anymore. Something has taken her over. She needs to find her own way out. Nothing you do or say will change what she will do.

I know it is hard to let go, be grateful you are getting your life together.
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Old 11-30-2004, 09:54 PM
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It's hard Coldgrip, I miss her very much.

I was big myself with promoting the clubs, I back off from all of it.
Like you said, my wife is gone, what I would not give for just one more day.
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Old 12-01-2004, 12:23 AM
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I know it is hard, you can do it.

I know I miss my exA terribly, as crappy as he was, the man made my heart skip a beat.

you're not alone. hang in there.
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Old 12-01-2004, 06:56 AM
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Well I slept last night, dang.

You know my biggest problem here I think is not understanding how she can just shut the door.
No more calls, or anything. Not even a number or address, no cares on how I am.

How please tell me can someone leave like that not a care or worry on how the person is.
I feel like she just told me the hell with you.
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Old 12-01-2004, 07:13 AM
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Mr Christian

I know you are aching to understand what has happened and why she has done the things she has done. Can you accept that she is not a well person? That she is not a rational person? That her disease is making her be a selfish person?

Can you also accept that perhaps one of the reasons why this is hurting so much is because you have lost your role in life? You are not her caretaker anymore. You obviously need to be needed - believe me, I've been there. Have you sought any answers to this? I have been to counselling and it has made me understand that I behaved in a certain way because of the situation I was in as a child. But that situation doesn't exist anymore, however I was behaving as if it did.

The way your wife is behaving is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection of HER. It is OK to move on, you know. No-one is going to criticise you for letting her go.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxxx
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Old 12-01-2004, 07:57 AM
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Hi Minnie,

Thank you for writing. How does one let go of someone they love so very much?
I have a lot of trouble with this. The fact I feel so hollow right now, so empty.
It just boggles my mind to be shut out. She fought sso hard for us all the time, we were everything to her. She told me it would be forever. I just am so confused.
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Old 12-01-2004, 08:11 AM
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"What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."

Still believe her?

I know this is hard. You are feeling hollow because you're feelings about you and your life are wrapped up in her. That's what us codies do!

What are you going to do today to fill that hole with you and for you?
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Old 12-01-2004, 06:47 PM
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Hi Minnie,

I know, I know I really do not know what to believe.
It's just I put in so much, took care of her during her sick hang overs, picked her body up out of parking lots anf off the floor.
I stuck by her and now, Im alone.

In love still, but so alone.
Your right I cant fill the hole, I need to Im hallow right now.
I want to call her so much, speak to her, ask her why.
I still do not know why.
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Old 12-01-2004, 11:08 PM
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Sorry I keep rambling- :hairout - feeling like this!
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Old 12-01-2004, 11:19 PM
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Mr Christian

I totally understand where you're coming from. My A b/f came home drunk last night. This is the beginning of the end for us. I do not understand why he has to throw away the good things but that is the reality. I don't need to understand now. I have done the things you have and they haven't made a difference. I cannot meet his emotional needs. Only he can do that.

Hang in there - looks like we'll need each other to lean on for a while. (but not in a codie way!!!!)

love

Minnie
xxxx
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Old 12-02-2004, 06:38 AM
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Minnie,
I'm sorry to hear about your b/f.
Like you it is hard to undersand why they throw everything away.
I am here Minnie.

Christian
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Old 12-02-2004, 07:07 AM
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Arrow

As I woke today I felt the need to just lay there. I was really hard to get up, I felt pinned down under the covers.
I knew if I did not rise, I would not get to work, therefore be out of work.

My home seems very cold, I’m thinking of moving.
I really hate being alone after 9 years, it does not feel right.
My wife brought Christmas back to my heart years ago, now I feel like it died also, HUMBUG!

I also fear that others can see the anger and fear on my face as I walk the world, I feel like people avoid me.
Why deal with a person so damaged so sad and lacking love and life.
I look at them, weather they are happy or not, they deal better then I. :paranoid:

What am I lacking here?
What else has to be done for me to live again?
Am I so in need of this person?
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Old 12-02-2004, 08:57 AM
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Mr. Christian - I am going to be blunt here. Yes you are so in need of this person. You are addicted to her. Just like she is addicted. You know the damage that it is doing to yourself but you still do it. The same as the addic. You read the steps but are you applying them? Sometimes we need professional help. We get so depressed that we can't pull our selves out of it. Talk to your doctor if you have reached this point. I had to and I fought it all the way. It didn't make the problem go away but it helped me deal with the pain so I can concentrate more on my steps.

I'm sorry for being blunt. But I care. I recognize myself in you. Don't let this wipe out all the good hard work you've put into it.

B
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Old 12-02-2004, 10:30 AM
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Yo Mr. C.

Sorry to hear you are going thru such hardship. I can appreciate some of your pain, as my story is similar to yours.

My darling wife asked to move out just a few weeks ago after 19yrs of marriage. We had a wonderful relationship for most of those years. Many years of pain pills and other serious meds slowly changed her and she is now a different person. We shared all kinds of good times and bad times. We started with nothing and built several small businesses over the years, and now share a small, but beautiful home. All of which is going to disappear in the next few weeks as we divorce.

As you have done your best for your wife, I did the best for mine. My life has always been devoted to being _different_ from my biological parents. As long as I feel that I am responsible, dependable, righteous and honest I know I have not become what my parents were.

My problem is that I use _external_ opinions to judge whether I am a good man. It is thru the program of Al-Anon that I am learning to use my own common sense to judge myself.

I am baffled by my wife's behavior, I do not understand why she is giving up 19yrs without so much as an "excuse me". I have learned in Al-Anon that I need to give her the respect to make her own choices in life, regardless of what I may think of those choices. Any thing else would be condescending to her.

Understanding "why" is not going to solve my problems. "Why" is not going to bring her back, or save me from the financial mess I am currently in. "Why" is not going to fix my health, or find me a place to work and live after we sell the house. "Why" is not going to stop the pain.

What will stop the pain is to take _action_. Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting, there's tons of them all over OC. Share a little of your pain. They will give you phone numbers to call. Call those numbers, talk to at least one person over the phone every day. It's what I'm doing and it has made a huge difference in my emotions and ability to function.

The longer you look at what _she_ is doing, the longer you will stay in pain. I know this because it is what I do. Look at what _you_ are doing and the pain will quickly reduce and allow you to live properly and figure out what to do with your life. You are correct in that work keeps your mind busy, but you need to keep it busy after work. Al-Anon is a great way to do that. You can volunteer at the Al-Anon central office, you can show up early at the meetings to set up, and stay late to take down. You can meet other Al-Anons for lunch, and for dinner before the meeting, and for dessert after the meeting.

Fill your mind with positive action and the pain will clear so that you can make rational decisions. It is what I am doing and it works good for me.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)
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