Hi everyone and thank you. Posting from my phone, and keep screwing up the quote edits. Gonna be lazy and quote everything. Sorry for wall of text.

Yes she has been to AA, sporadically, I don’t believe she really gets it. Not even a little. I have been to a few myself, and see that people can recover. Speakers I saw all sober a year, 5, 14, 27. All seemed happy and grateful. You could see the misery in the eyes and posture of the newcomers & short timers. The speakers’ stories are often tragically funny, and uplifting at the same time. Humble people.

Couple of things from dandylion’s post. I see your point about the further away from alcohol she gets the more of a self pitying drama victim she becomes. I see it, now to try and convey it when she’s sober. I usually have a 30 minute window. It’s lije talking to wall at times, but maybe something will seep in.

Her behavior in rehab was completely shocking, my normally reserved, conscientious, conservative, loyal and respectful wife turned into a street rat. Her speech and mannerisms are like an uneducated, street savvy person, one of “cool kids”. Like a character in a damn movie. Yo homey. LOL. It is bizarre to witness. Never in a million years would I or anyone that knows her expect anything like this. We are all shocked. Her brother is furious. Before this rehab she was not like this. It’s Weird as hell, like a personality transplant.
She was put on lexapro about 10 days in, and according to her fellow inmates it wasn’t until near the end of rehab that she interacted at all with the married dirt bag. Psych meds are dangerous and the wrong drug causes all kinds of odd side effects. Who knows. So many questions I’ll never get answers to.

She’s still drinking, her brother bought alcohol to help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms and he’s rationing it out in small doses until she checks in on Monday. She woke me at 3 AM asking me to unlock it from the safe. Another night with no sleep yet she’s snoring as I type.

I am beat, but getting to a place of acceptance that my life will never be the same, nor my relationship with her. Just not possible. It could be better with hard work on ourselves and sobriety or this could be the beginning of the end. I want to be confident and stable to deal with either. Her brother suggests I drop the divorce papers in her lap to show I’m not a doormat, and what she stands to lose, which is everything. I’m not a doormat, well I may be acting like one, but fear has a way of changing perspectives and actions. Fear of the loss of a dream that for a long time was reality. Funny that. Now it’s a nightmare.

Mom’s been staggering around, slumped over at times and my son, 7, started emulating her last night at dinner and as I was helping him get his pajamas on. So the visible signs of the impact on them has begun. Thought I was shielding them. Wishful thinking.

thank you. I get it. Loud and clear. I’m being extremely selfish thinking I can return things to the way they were. What an ego. It’s just not possible. It’s not my fight. Mine is protecting my children and myself, educating them and showing them what a stable loving parent looks like.

I woke this morning with a nasty knot in my stomach. I’ve been trying, hell making, excuses for her behavior,

The betrayal is too much to bare, I can never look at her the same. I found out about her cheating when I read her rehab notebook. It appears they were sitting side by side, communicating through notes. She called him Hubby. The name she has me listed as in her contacts. She commented that they were both wearing rings, and she was afraid to put herself “out there” because of it. Said “F it” he replied it’s a bonus they live so close to each other. She apparently met up with him the Tuesday morning after she got out, 3 days. And the day she relapsed, had 2 accidents in one day, totaled the car in the second one and sent 2 people to the hospital. A half finished bottle of vodka in the passsenger seat, and got a DUI.

I’m out.

Hi,

I’m so sorry for your difficult time!

At the end of the day, black and white, one size fits all, and being told that I should know this or think that did not help me.

Now I’ve found another way. I don’t judge, I can be compassionate every single time I am with a loved one. At the same time, I take care of me first and if I’m not feeling ok, I need more boundaries, and in my case, sometimes I need to go swimming for an hour. I have learned to ask myself, what do I want right now? It was hard for me to answer that question at first. I’ve learned to have boundaries and protect myself better in all of my relationships. If I can do it because mentally I feel ok, I would take him to detox twenty times with love in my heart. I recommend the book “beyond addiction”, and the center for motivation and change’s 20 minute guide and SMART meetings online. I recommend mindfulness practices so you can learn to notice when your thoughts and stress levels are taking you away. Perhaps you and your children can go out somewhere that involves exercise, nature, and other elements that ease your mind.

you know what? Since I learned to be more compassionate and have bigger boundaries, I am treated with more respect by everyone, including me.

for me, helping myself meant really working on being calm and compassionate. It was hard to believe at the time. But when I practiced this I started to be treated with more respect and more lovingly.

Thats how I took it -he's done


I'm so sorry all of this has happened. Sometimes bad things happening provide us some clarity. It does suck. Take care of yourself and that little one. I'm glad her family shows you support

Hi everyone,

it it has been insane here, she created even more chaos if that is possible. The kids are sick, I’m exhausted, but I got her out of the house and into a quality treatment center. She is brain damaged from all the alcohol and obviously has a co-occurring disorder, or 3. She was an amazing wife and mother before this thing sunk its claws in her, but that’s who she was, that person is gone. Replaced by a monster. No guarantees she will recover, but she deserves a chance to receive help from a dedicated team with decades of experience.

I keep mentally vacillating between continuing to help her by paying for treatment or cutting her loose completely because I am so hurt and angry. So far my compassion for her has won out, and I must continually remind myself this about saving her life, not my marriage. It’s going to be difficult financially, and in so many other ways for me, but can be done if Murphy will start bothering someone else for a change.

Going to file soon, not in a big hurry, as she will be gone at least 6 months. The passengers in the car she hit only received bumps and bruises, no threat of a lawsuit there.

This is has been the most terrifying experience of my life, and I’ve experienced and witnessed a lot of trauma. I’m living minute to minute, and I am so thankful at the end of the day that I and the kids survived that day, and all of bizarre behavior. We are not unscathed, but are on the road to healing.

Im tired, sad, lonely as we just moved to a new city and I don’t know anyone, but all that will change in time as we put this further and further behind us. It’s our turn to indulge and we are going to have fun.