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I'm leaving my Boyfriend

Old 07-13-2018, 12:56 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry to hear all this happened but it's good to see you so strong! And not staying in a bad relationship is real recovery.

With my daughter I'm not really dating at all these days for a few reasons but one is I don't know that there is any man out there I would even let meet her no matter how long we were dating....so living with anyone is off the table and so is marriage for me. I never knew how much having a kid would change me! Before I was all for living together. I guess this is my new life where relationships are not the center of who I am...when I was with my XRAH one of the reasons I didn't leave was I didn't want to be "alone". Well I've realized now I don't want to be with anyone unless it's the perfect storm style situation..and I'm not going to go looking for it it will come or not and I'm ok if it doesn't. So I think you will find the right person should it be meant to be for sure (and you deserve it)...no need to settle for less.

Back when I was dating I ghosted someone for just glancing at my phone on a date and reading the texts...I'm a hard no on that...deal breaker. So yes I would be fuming if someone tracked me!!!!
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Old 07-13-2018, 01:07 PM
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Oh, and he asked me to do him a favor and go to the RV dealership to pick up parts for him since he won't have time after he gets off the cruise.
I can't even...

What does he expect, that he'll bulldoze his way into a reconciliation?
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Old 07-13-2018, 01:28 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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liz, i am glad you came to this decision before anything weird or crazy happened. i think i was pretty upfront/blunt over the years about this BF, as in not really a fan. i saw him slowly and methodically taking over....from car decisions, to work decisions, to him being your "financial advisor", all the while being emotionally unavailable and unwilling to commit.

i am glad he never offered up a ring before....i am glad you have learned as much as you have learned, and grown as much as you have grown, because it is all coming together FOR YOU - RIGHT NOW. the journey of a butterfly begins as it crawls out of the chrysalis, but then the butterfly must wait until its wings are fully dry and hardened before it can take flight. i think your wings are ready now....

ps- as for his RV crap? pffft. he can figure out a way to get them all by himself.
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Old 07-15-2018, 08:46 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
liz, i am glad you came to this decision before anything weird or crazy happened. i think i was pretty upfront/blunt over the years about this BF, as in not really a fan. i saw him slowly and methodically taking over....from car decisions, to work decisions, to him being your "financial advisor", all the while being emotionally unavailable and unwilling to commit.

i am glad he never offered up a ring before....i am glad you have learned as much as you have learned, and grown as much as you have grown, because it is all coming together FOR YOU - RIGHT NOW. the journey of a butterfly begins as it crawls out of the chrysalis, but then the butterfly must wait until its wings are fully dry and hardened before it can take flight. i think your wings are ready now....

ps- as for his RV crap? pffft. he can figure out a way to get them all by himself.
Anvil, yes I have a pretty good idea as to how you felt about him. My sponsor in program wasn’t too fond of him either.

But, what really triggered my finality on things was a male acquaintance at work. We were talking about his girlfriend one day and he said he doesn’t ask her to pay rent or any bills if they put her in a poor financial position. He said he’s have had those bills and mortgage to pay anyway. He felt that he wanted to help her financially and not hurt her because he loved her and wanted what was best for her.

Now, i’m pretty independent and I take pride in my ability to pay my own way, but dang it sure would be nice to meet a guy like that who recognizes the financial inequality, does things for you out of a place of love and caring. I realized that I would be better off on my own than being with my bf. I still love him, I miss his kids, I miss his smile........

Last night he texted me that he needs to give me my suitcases. I replied, “and the binoculars too.” He said, “oh I threw the binoculars overboard. Was that not right?”

I held my tongue and said, “yeah, but only if they were around someone’s neck.” His response was, “You weren’t there.”
Again, I held back and went with humor, “see...that’s why I didn’t go on the cruise. Self preservation.”

Oh boy.....if this is how he’s going to be I think I need to go no contact as I said before. I wanted to keep things open with him for a bit because we still have some household business things to settle. But after that i’m done.
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Old 07-15-2018, 11:22 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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MY XAH snooped on me- to the point that I would go somewhere fast food to get a cup of coffee and journal- then tear the papers up and go home. One day I forgot to tear them up- he found the papers in my car in my pocketbook- which told me he was snooping regularly. He confronted me with what I had written. I think the fact that you went to a restaurant to journal may mean you know it was not safe to journal at home. XAH also read my emails- searched my clothes and my car. I was probably tracked. I don't know.
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Old 07-16-2018, 02:22 PM
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Clean breaks are the best way. It's hard, but necessary.

Big hugs!
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Old 07-16-2018, 03:44 PM
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He said, “oh I threw the binoculars overboard. Was that not right?”

jaw drops to floor. seriously? we're playing at that level?

can you draft up these "household things we have to settle" and see how much of it can be conducted by mail/email. texting is still too immediate and you could just block the phone/text thing altogether.
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Old 07-17-2018, 06:57 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
He said, “oh I threw the binoculars overboard. Was that not right?”

jaw drops to floor. seriously? we're playing at that level?

can you draft up these "household things we have to settle" and see how much of it can be conducted by mail/email. texting is still too immediate and you could just block the phone/text thing altogether.
Yeah it got worse. I am not responding to texts and only email now.
I had to pick up my suitcases they used for the trip and he texted me after apologizing for being rude and then saying ‘mixture of wanting to punch you in the face or have sex with you’. I told him that didn’t sound like a very good idea to which he suggested we go away for the weekend, have lots of sex, and talk....making it a proper breakup. I told him no and he said there was no guarantee he wouldn’t punch me anyway??? Wtf?
I swear he was a somewhat normal guy. Where on earth did this all come from? So mind boggling!

It’s like I broke up with him and it didn’t fit his definition of how a break up should look so he had to create his own scenario.

I did realize that he has my trunk cover for my car. I left it in the garage. Might have the neighbors get it for me because I really don’t want to see him anytime soon. He also told me the girls want to say goodbye to me and he asked if I would be willing to see them.

He’s acting as bad as my XAH did when I left my marriage. So strange.
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:15 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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That is a really, really odd statement to make! I too wonder where on earth that would come from. Maybe that's how he thinks and he can now express it? Nothing to lose.

Although the whole binocular deal is more passive-aggressive stuff so I guess really this is just par for the course. Did you find him to be passive-aggressive?
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Old 07-18-2018, 10:41 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Creepy!

And smart move on having the neighbors grab your stuff.

Breakups are tough, and I don't see anything wrong with writing a sweet goodbye letter to the girls and sending it via snail mail.

Glad you are out of there Liz.
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Old 07-19-2018, 07:17 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Creepy!

And smart move on having the neighbors grab your stuff.

Breakups are tough, and I don't see anything wrong with writing a sweet goodbye letter to the girls and sending it via snail mail.

Glad you are out of there Liz.
Hi Firebolt!!! Yes I am glad I am out as well! I have been concerned with his passive aggressiveness since I left him and his comments about punching me in my face didn’t sit well with me.
I only respond to him now if it’s about car insurance or things I left at his house, etc.

I truly feel he is unstable. I’ve never seen this side of him before. Scary and yes, creepy!
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Old 07-19-2018, 07:24 AM
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Liz....I have never been able to forget that he was uncomfortable looking at people directly in the eyes when talking to them....along with not being very verbal........
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Old 07-19-2018, 09:59 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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What a creep. Be careful of this guy Liz.
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Old 07-19-2018, 10:31 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry to read it's getting creepy Liz. You don't deserve that!

Any chance he's an unrecovering codie? His reaction reeks of "lack of control". Both violence & sex would restore that feeling of imbalance to someone spiraling due to lack of control over a situation.... and like anvil pointed out above (& I've agreed with over the term of your relationship) he has a long history of exerting control under the guise of "support" in your relationship - just a thought.
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Old 07-21-2018, 09:26 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Liz,
How are you doing? I hope you are going no contact. He seems to be losing control and he can't handle it.

After all you have gone through, this is "easy peasy". You are a strong independent women. Your son will be fine, you have done a lot for him to be independent and take care of himself.

Cut ties, make sure everything you have, has his name removed from it, including the phone bill. I mean everything.

This is the next chapter in your life..... enjoy and keep moving forward. (((hugs)))
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Old 07-21-2018, 10:55 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
Liz,
How are you doing? I hope you are going no contact. He seems to be losing control and he can't handle it.

After all you have gone through, this is "easy peasy". You are a strong independent women. Your son will be fine, you have done a lot for him to be independent and take care of himself.

Cut ties, make sure everything you have, has his name removed from it, including the phone bill. I mean everything.

This is the next chapter in your life..... enjoy and keep moving forward. (((hugs)))
I'm doing ok, Maia, thanks for checking on me!

I had an Al Anon convention this weekend which has kept me busy.

I needed it. The ex bf has been exerting all kinds of stuff on me. Sending me pics from his FB feed where it says "people you may know" and asking me, "Are you dating this guy? because FB thinks we should be friends."

Then he messages me and tries me to get me to come over and say goodbye to the kids but he's super friendly about. Today it was, "Hi. Happy Saturday. What time today can you come by?" WTF.....Happy Saturday? He's never said stuff like that to me.

I swear he texts me and says more now than he ever did while we dated. I tried going no contact for 2 days and he kept texting me and even asked me if I was angry with him. My response was, "no". He just can't leave me alone!

So, it's time to go no contact. I unfriended him on FB. He asked me if I saw the pics from Alaska and I said no. He seemed surprised. Like he didn't notice we weren't 'friends' on FB anymore?

I need to move my investment/IRA accounts OUT of his branch. I'm still changing addresses with FINRA and my company and then I can move my accounts from his brokerage firm. I am setting up new accounts at my own firm and I can manage the portfolios myself or find a friend at work to help me rebalance.

I am shocked at how he is acting! It's like I'm dealing with a completely different person. Like we weren't even in the same relationship together. His responses are so all over the board that I sit there and scratch my head and wonder what the hell he's talking about or thinking? Seems completely disassociated from reality and disconnected from reality!

But, maybe that's my own perspective being skewed? Who knows? All I know is that the whole thing is weird and it's time to be done....forever.
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Old 07-22-2018, 10:42 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Liz,
Sounds like you are in the "honeymoon" period of the break up.
Wait until he starts seeing the accounts being moved and noticing no FB pix. Things could get a little meaner. He thinks that you "need" him to survive and to accomplish what life has to offer.... um... NO!!

I would keep in contact with mom and tell the girls then that you are not leaving their lives, that you are around, just not everyday, and big "brother" is too. You can take them for ice cream anytime.

Be careful with him. Sounds like he could be a stalker type man. He's in complete denial of what is happening. Why would you want to see his vacation pix when you were supposed to have gone on the trip. Really weird. Be smart and always watch your surroundings. Don't ever let your guard down, watch for his car at all times. Double check with your phone company that you are no longer on the "gps" find the phone app. You just don't want to be naive to what he could have done/do.

Sending big hugs and stay safe. The next chapter in your life is just about to start!!
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Old 07-22-2018, 11:57 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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can you put a freeze on your funds that he is "in charge" of? so he doesn't decide to make some real risky shifting about and tank your account?

he was fine as long as you were acquiescent......he pushed you to get into his line of work, take the tests, get a job at his company, take over managing your retirement, making auto purchase choices, etc etc. as long as he was running the show, he was "fine". except he still had the tracker app on your phone, and who knows what else. you just didn't know it.

now the mask is off. you are no longer towing the line. i hope he doesn't know where you live now? i hope you go full no contact and take precautions!
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Old 07-22-2018, 04:05 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Hi Liz,

As painful as it might be, you are doing the right thing. In a way him being this way is a blessing because the mask is off. As others have said, he can no longer "control" you and it's driving him crazy. He is obviously also a very manipulative person. I would honestly say I would have no physical contact with him at all. After a break up, going "back" to gather up additional items can be a very dangerous time. I'm not trying to be alarming, but statistically this is true and has been creepy. Stay strong and stay safe
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Old 07-22-2018, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
can you put a freeze on your funds that he is "in charge" of? so he doesn't decide to make some real risky shifting about and tank your account?

he was fine as long as you were acquiescent......he pushed you to get into his line of work, take the tests, get a job at his company, take over managing your retirement, making auto purchase choices, etc etc. as long as he was running the show, he was "fine". except he still had the tracker app on your phone, and who knows what else. you just didn't know it.

now the mask is off. you are no longer towing the line. i hope he doesn't know where you live now? i hope you go full no contact and take precautions!
Anvil, he won't do anything to my assets. He'd lose his job. He's not that crazy.
I am watching things closely and I will be initiating transfer paperwork this week to move my assets to the firm I am currently employed by.

He does know where I live. That was my mistake because he messaged me telling me that I was forwarding HIS mail as well as my own. NOT true. I haven't gotten one piece of his mail. This was right when he got back from the cruise and I didn't predict just how weird he'd get.

He messaged me earlier in the day and I'm ignoring him now. His kids will be with their mom for the next 2 weeks so he won't have them around as a distraction, though. Not sure what will come about but I'm hoping he leaves me alone.
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