I'm leaving my Boyfriend
 

Hi everyone! I wanted to tell you all that I decided to end my 3 year relationship with my bf. Lots of red flags but the culmination of things was last Thursday when I lied to him. I realized I lied because I don't feel emotionally safe with him. Anyway, I had told him I was shopping when, in reality, I decided to stop at a restaurant and get a bowl of soup and do some journaling. I had been having a tough week with him and I needed to step back and do some introspective thinking.

So, basically I found out that he was tracking me. He confronted me, accused me of cheating, and told me he only tracked me because he wanted to time my arrival at home since he needed me home to take him to pick up his car from the shop. I had no idea that our sharing of the apple family plan meant he could 'find my iPhone'. No clue! And, I don't know how long he's been able to do so.

But, his accusations of cheating was way overboard. He said he was 100% convinced I was cheating. He said I was acting weird all week and he DEMANDED I give him my phone to read. I tried to explain myself, how our interaction earlier in the week gave me pause and he accused me of always blaming him for my actions. Umm, yeah, not even close.
Then, when I told him to call the restaurant, offered to give him my phone, and he refused to even consider my 'evidence of innocence' I knew things were on serious shaky ground.

He had me hung and never allowed me to have a trial! It was scary and I realized that I was done. And, i had peace about it. I opened up about 3 conversations all weekend long with him and was completely calm. I never even brought up his behavior and his 'tracking' of my phone, etc. I knew it would get me nowhere and he'd make an excuse. He didn't trust me and I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. Once trust is lost, it's so difficult to get back and with him.....it would have been near impossible. I want compassion, a chance at forgiveness, and maybe grace extended to me. I was never going to get that with him. I could tell. By Sunday night, he still stuck by what he said and said he didn't believe me and that he still felt something was going on.

We were supposed to be going on an Alaskan cruise this Friday. I paid for my ticket and my airfare already. I told him, "I'm not going on the cruise and I think it's time our relationship come to an end. I'm sorry it has to come to this." He was shocked. He still thinks I'm crazy to give up a paid for vacation. I figured that if I went, I'd be thinking about throwing him overboard the whole time. I mean, why would I want to stay in a cabin with him and his 2 kids for a week when I won't get reconciliation, caring, affection, or loving words? Ridiculous!

So, I was stressed about finding a new place to live. Rents have gone up around here. I found a great place, I got the OK today that my credit is good, income is fine, etc. Whew....thank goodness.

My biggest problem now is just dealing with the fallout. My son is stressed and I can tell he's not happy about it. But, he's 19 and I'm just at the point where I can't fix all his problems for him. He works part time and makes some money for himself and he'll be going to school when it starts in August. I just can't keep making everyone happy anymore. It's exhausting.
So, while I worry about him, I have to turn him over to God because I have my own struggles and emotional rollercoaster to ride right now.

My bf's girls will definitely be hurt. I will miss them terribly. I hate that the kids have to be collateral damage when relationships fall apart. But, I'm really grateful that I found a cute condo to rent, it's 10 minutes closer to my office, and I love my new job!

My manager just did a review of my skill set and she gave me the green light to start working overtime so that I can make some extra money. Just working 20 hours of overtime a month brings in an extra $700 a month for me and that will really help my bottom line.

Anyway, I'm going to use my vacation time (that was meant for the cruise) next week as my opportunity to move. Please pray that the move goes well, that my son finds peace, and that my bf finds his own serenity despite the overreactive mind and insecurities that he has as well. We all deserve a shot at kindness, love, peace, serenity, and grace. I hope that we all find it in our journeys.

Hugs to you all. Looking forward to reading a bit and seeing what's happening on the boards!

lizatola, I'm sorry that things happened the way they did, but I've seen you posting here over the years about your doubts about this relationship and your struggles w/various aspects of it. I have to say that I'm glad you finally got that "moment of clarity" and it wasn't like a little firefly blink, it was a full-on lightning strike. Now you know what to do, and you know that it's the right thing.

It sounds to me like things are coming together for you already--you can work OT to help defray extra costs, you've found a nice place and are approved for credit, etc., and you already have time off scheduled that you can use to get moved and settle into your new place.

Like that old cigarette commercial used to say, "You've come a long way, baby!"

Wishing you all the best in this new phase of your life.

Lliz....Lthink that the important thing here, is that you recognized what was bad for you, and took decisive action in favor of your own welfare. I don't think that the "old Liz" would have been able to do that.....
LOL....I, also, remember how you hated those business trips with your husband.....

And, now you have the self esteem to turn away a cruise!!!!

:You_Rock_
Amazing post - praying for a smooth move and peace of mind for you and your son....
Peace,
B.

P.S. Until you get a new phone/number etc. I think you can shut off Location Sharing on your own device and he will no longer be able to track you. If Loc Sharing is on he can even click "details" on a text message and see where it came from.

The whole phone tracking thing is beyond creepy.

I'm glad to hear you have reached resolution and you're working on building a new life. Good for you!

Yeah, I know. He says it was the only time he's done it because he needed me home to take him to get his car. I'm not sure I believe him. But, it really doesn't matter because i've never had anything to hide.
But, yes, it is creepy.

He just texted me about how he has to figure out a way to tell his girls. They are 10 and 12 and they were quite close to me. I will miss them terribly. I hate that the kids have to be collateral damage. I know it's not fair to them.

And, yes, I figured out how to turn off location sharing. I had added him to my Apple family plan so that he didn't have to pay for Apple music. I didn't realize he had access to my phone location. I just never thought about it. Lesson learned on that one.

And he didn't just call you instead?

That's what I was thinking as well. He was tracking you soooo knew you had your phone.

It is creepy and i'm glad for you in that you sound strong and determined liz.

It can't be easy but things do seem to have aligned for you or maybe that's just your great effort at moving forward. I am sure the kids will feel bad and it is unfortunate that they will be hurt in all of this, however I'm glad that isn't holding you back. Unfortunately their Father's decisions in all this affect them.

I wish you well, please keep us posted.

Tracking you on your phone. Shudder. Creepy.

You made a good decision.

Tracking someone on their phone sounds eerily similar to the crazy stuff us codies do/did/think/thought about doing. Just a thought...

I'm so sorry Liz, but like dandylion, I see huge growth in the way you are handling all of this compared to the old version of you.

You've really grown a lot, but I'm still sorry you are going through all of this. :hug:

Hugs to you. I am sorry. I don't believe in living together before marriage, and the kids being collateral is why.

I think you are handling yourself wonderfully, and that you did the right thing by ending it. He clearly has some issues. Onward and upward friend!

I actually think that hopeful4 makes a good point. I don't aim to be judgemental, here...because I'm not....and, not on a moral basis, either....
But, simply because it is protective for the children...in case things ever go South. (I'm talking about kids under 18yrs.). And, it does protect the parent, to a certain extent, also...……….
since blended families can be tricky, at best, to navigate....it eliminates additional life problems for the parent to have to cope with...lol...…

I didn't live with anyone until marriage was imminent...(a few weeks)….However...I did not deny my own social dating life.....and, the kids did get to know anyone that I was dating, long term. But the kids did not have to adjust to someone else living in our nest....they seemed to understand that there was no parent figure that could possibly "leave" them, in the future.....ever.....

So, if things do go south...it is so much easier to break up...in so many practical ways...

I agree (again, in a non-judgmental way for sure as I have all but moved in once).

I have made a decision for myself that I will never live with someone unless, as Dandylion put it, marriage is imminent. I have no little children so it's strictly for me.

a family member's wife does this. I would never put up with it and yes it's creepy.

I would be fairly certain it wasn't the first time.

Tracking is an emergency tool only. Helping each other find missing phones and when someone is not answering texts or calls. You did the right thing. Unfounded insecurities like that do not go away. Also texting you to tell you he needs to talk to his girls about this shows a level of immaturity. I am not sure how you are supposed to respond to that other than feeling guilty.

You sound very strong, rational and in a good place. Do not let the emotion of all this steer you off course. It sounds like you would be much better to take this independent break even if there was a future for the two of you. You are much better to make that decision from an independent vantage point.

AMEN. Yeah, lesson learned for me, even if there aren't kids involved. It's just not for me.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me forever even if they know challenges will be coming in our future. And, if that never happens, that's OK too.

Bf's ex wife reached out today to thank me for being so good to the kids and she wished me well and told me that she hopes I meet an awesome guy because I'm too nice and I deserve better. She then offered to let me see the kids on her time and that she'd love to get us all together.

I'm so grateful to my friends and new work friends because I have been in tears, with gratitude. People who hug me out of nowhere, people who give me support, offer their time, a coffee, a listening ear, etc. I feel so very blessed.

I made my bf's dad cry tonight because I called him to tell him I was leaving. We talked for a bit but eventually I said, "Well, I hope bf meets a woman that suits his needs and meets someone who is a better fit." His dad said, "The only woman who would be a good match for him is one whose mouth is sewn shut since she'll never get to voice her opinion over his." Well, yeah, there's that, lol. I thanked him for his perspective and he said he would miss me terribly and that he wanted to keep in touch.

I'm crying as I type. I have wonderful neighbors who are helping me move and they keep saying, "Why are we helping you LEAVE us? We still support you...."

Like I said, great people in my life. And, I'm truly so grateful. I work for a great company, have a good manager and team at work, and I love my life. It's just going to take time to work through it all.

liz…..I admire how you are dealing with his family.....
It isn't always possible to keep such good relationships, when breakups happen, but when it can...I think it is a wonderful thing....

Thanks Dandy. His family is the complete opposite of him. He always threw them under the bus because none of them had college degrees and he had his masters and was an officer in the military, blah blah blah.....

anyway, the bf texted me from the cruise earlier this week. He wants an explanation as to how I ended a 3 year relationship in just one week. And, then he said he's in shock because he was planning on proposing this week. Seriously???? Oh, and he asked me to do him a favor and go to the RV dealership to pick up parts for him since he won't have time after he gets off the cruise.

Umm, say what? So, you accuse me of cheating? You won't listen to the evidence I presented. And, you tell me via text that you were going to propose?? The convo didn't go anywhere because I didn't believe him and because I see it as a manipulative ploy to get me to think twice about leaving or changing my mind. We never discussed marriage and he always threw it under the bus. I feel like it was all a game to him.

The last incident we had regarding my SUV was kinda the last straw for me as far as me starting to set an exit plan. He had put 2K down on my car on his credit card. I assumed it was because he wanted to use my car to take the trailer camping and he knew it would be wear and tear on the vehicle. I was wrong and learned I shouldn't make assumptions because 3 weeks later he asked me to write him a check for 2K. I had to liquidate a mutual fund and I was mad because I could have financed the whole amount. He is my financial advisor. He knew my situation. And, all I kept thinking was that he wanted the hotel points on his AmEx card and he didn't give 2 sh*ts about my financial situation. Now, maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm clueless? I don't know but the whole thing gave me a bad taste in my mouth and I've pretty much been edging the second foot out the door, so to speak.

So, he comes home on Saturday. I'll be completely out of this house. I'm basically dog sitting for him, you know because I'm a nice person. And, then we'll see how and when he wants to talk because I don't want to talk to him. He doesn't listen to me. He shuts me down. And, in many ways, he's just like my XAH....but then he's not.

Anyway, that's the update on this story!

(((hugs)))

Kudos on gaining a really good awareness and trusting your instincts. :)

Going "no contact" with emotional abusers has been the quickest route I've found in healing due to:

1. Re-focusing on the good things I'm walking towards. It's a much quicker journey when I keep moving forward. One step at a time.

2. Truth is found in many places. When I'm in need of more good, honest people in my life, God brings me opportunities to see what I don't want and turn towards what I do want.

3. Faith. No contact has strengthened my faith in myself like nothing else has ever done. There's a magic in doing something radically different!

4. Setting my direction. As I set my direction towards healthy living, this opens up a broad new path in front of me. My internal compass has re-set to this also.


Do you enjoy being there and dog sitting? Bringing the dogs to a reputable kennel is an option.