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How to give to HP in moments of panic and uncertainty

Old 10-18-2016, 08:36 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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You know he doesn’t drink at you or too you to causes you to worry or get sever anxiety or have panic attacks. All of those things are your response to your chose to remain in a relationship with an A believing that you somehow have the power to save him.

I am devastated and not sure how to release this to God and be okay that his life isn't in my hands.
If that were true and his life has been in your hands while dating, then explain why he’s still a mess and still drinking? Somehow that’s one excuse we tell ourselves when WE are not ready to give up our own addiction to the addict, except we don’t see it as addiction we call it love.

I learned a long time ago that you can’t control someone’s negative behavior you can only control how long you participate in it.
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Old 10-18-2016, 08:59 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I hope you are feeling better this morning Smarie.

I found mantras to be extremely helpful during those panic-striken moments. "I am not in control of his actions; I am not responsible for his decisions." In my experience, I continued to emotionally react even after I logically realized it was ineffective..... but knowing I shouldn't be panicking wasn't enough to make me simply stop. I used mantras as a way of rewiring my brain when my thoughts were out of control..... I just repeated & repeated it while I focused on my breathing until I felt calm again.

It was the fact that he could speak to me so casually today with zero regard to what I went through all night. There was no acknowledgment of the worry and pain and sleeplessness he had to have known I experienced
A couple of things to think about that pop out for me reading your post (if you're interested)..... I hear you resenting him for doing exactly what you know he does. Is that reasonable, even if you're "right"? A sometimes unpopular opinion around here is that your alcoholic has every right to drink - he's a full grown man in charge of his own decisions in life. In all seriousness, he's not asking you to worry yourself sick, right? That's you reacting in fear (remember, Fear is not a part of Love) to loss of control/the unknown, right? Why would he wake up concerned about your evening? (Guilt isn't part of Love either).

He's also not drinking AT you. I've learned that when we are taking it personally like this, that's a sign that it's a choice being make on our side of the street.

Again, just food for thought. I've had more of these kinds of sleepless nights than I ever care to remember & at some point I just refused to continue to erode my Self any longer, in any way. Sleep is CRITICAL for me to be able to think & act with the best intentions in every other part of my life. While I could not control even the smallest of his behaviors, I could certainly put my efforts into controlling *me*.
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Old 10-18-2016, 09:13 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Oh Smarie.. big hugs to you. I know that feeling so well, and it's just awful.
I had so many sleepless nights too, waiting for the phone to ring, or waiting to hear his truck pull into the driveway. Is he dead? Has he killed someone? Is he broken down and wandering in the woods somewhere?

I got to a point though, that him leaving was a relief, in some ways. I still had the panicky feeling, mostly worrying that he was with other women... but it wasn't as intense...at least I had a reprieve from his ugly drunkenness, and I was able to sleep.

Then, deeper down the hole, I actually got to a point that part of me hoped the call I would get was that he was dead... I hesitate to even post that because it sounds so awful... but I think I felt at that time like dealing with the pain of his death would be easier than dealing with the pain of what I was going through, or the pain of leaving him.

The Serenity Prayer. That always helped to calm me down, and feel connected to HP. I would say it over and over....

How are you doing this morning Smarie?
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Old 10-18-2016, 09:14 AM
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Have you read this Classic Sticky? I think it may resonate with you in your situation.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html
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Old 10-18-2016, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Kboys View Post
Is he dead? Has he killed someone? Is he broken down and wandering in the woods somewhere? .......Then, deeper down the hole, I actually got to a point that part of me hoped the call I would get was that he was dead...
Me too. Beyond checking our county's arrest website (they update regularly), calling hospitals (only a few, very desperate times), checking online for his call/text usage to see if he was contacting others (I was SICK, y'all) --- you all can't possibly know how many times I've theoretically planned RAH's funeral in my head. (well, You in This Forum can) It was the strangest feeling of loss & relief - I don't know which was stronger. It didn't feel good, just over.
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Old 10-19-2016, 03:35 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post
It was the fact that he could speak to me so casually today with zero regard to what I went through all night. There was no acknowledgment of the worry and pain and sleeplessness he had to have known I experienced and even were it truly his phone, someone whose drinking has traumatized another so much would have found another way to contact.
This is where the disease logic goes out the window for me. I'm sick and tired of being abused. Of watching him destroy himself and getting to smile and head to work while I sit here on 3 hrs sleep sick from worry.
Hi Smarie, this is going to sound harsh, but it's not meant that way.

Your ABF (or XABF?) doesn't owe you anything. Your worry and sleeplessness are your choice, and just because he's the source doesn't mean he has to cater to them at the level you want.

This doesn't mean his behaviour is acceptable, but you choose to put up with it, and buy into it to the extent that it's undermining your well-being. Meanwhile he's just doing whatever he does and probably deliberately refusing to cater to your anxiety.

He has the right to do whatever he chooses, but so do you. If you can't find a way to make it work, either through his sobriety or your detachment, then you both can decide to move on.
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Old 10-19-2016, 12:07 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Thank you for the great support and words of advice. I understand that I can no more blame him than blame myself for allowing it. That's the insanity of it all. I am expecting him to act rationally but that's not what alcoholics do. It's just that when he isn't actively drinking he is very much rational so it's almost like I lose him in these moments and a demon takes over. It's been a very rough couple of days, but I am finally heading back home tonight and will face him. I have been away on business so it's been worse not knowing what is happening at home. Yesterday when I finally talked to him and got a hold of him he seemed so normal. His job even was giving him a final chance and he went in to sign the agreement - or so I thought. So far no word in the last 24 hours so I guess he ran off again with his friend vodka.

I just want this to be over.
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Old 10-19-2016, 01:24 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post
It's just that when he isn't actively drinking he is very much rational so it's almost like I lose him in these moments and a demon takes over.
I understand this feeling very much... It felt like I was dealing with two different people with mine too.
And I think was part of what made me continue giving him chances after chances, because once he sobered up and he was the husband I knew and loved again, it was hard to reconcile in my brain that he was the same drunk monster who had done and said all those awful things.

What's the plan for when you get home tonight?

Stay safe
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Old 10-19-2016, 04:09 PM
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That's exactly it Kboy. When he sobers up he comes back to the sweet and special man that I fell in love with the first time (though I still have never really gotten over the affair and given that I discovered it only a couple months ago, its tarnished my genuine love for him never mind the drinking).
But yes that is what my brain does - my therapist likes to tell me to stop looking at the small slice of the whole pie - the small slice being the good times, the friendship , the fun, the sex, the onslaught of attention, the connection, etc and zoom out and look at all the other slices - the separation from his current wife, the absent father, the drinking, the cheating, the lying, the verbal and emotional abuse. Then ask yourself if this is what you want your life to be.

I don't know what awaits at home, but likely what always does when he vanishes - a passed out alcoholic cradling vodka on my couch. I hope I at best I walk into that. I want the power to walk in and demand he leave and if not, have police take him. At least it will be something different. Maybe losing the job and me will be that bottom. Maybe not. But at least with a different action there may be a different result.

He has a wife and mother who can bail him out. There's nothing left for me.
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Old 10-19-2016, 04:23 PM
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I'm so sorry Smarie
I sure don't miss the anxiety of not knowing what I'm going to come home to... Ugh its awful. I would always call, just before heading home, so I could try to gauge just how drunk he was, and what kind of mood he was in...

Mine cheated too... and out of all that he did to me, that was probably the most devastating

It's your house, right? You DO have the power to demand he leave... you may have to go through the eviction process, but you can do it.

Can you go stay somewhere else for a while, until you can get him out?
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Old 10-19-2016, 05:07 PM
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I'm sorry you had to go through the cheating too . That was probably the most devastating thing I too ever experienced. Especially because it was an affair and carried on when he was not actively drinking.
Unfortunately he does temporarily live with me and also cuts contact with me whenever he is on a binge, cuts contact with everyone. So I'm not looking forward to going home. We will see what happens!
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Old 10-19-2016, 08:44 PM
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Let us know how it goes and do whatever you need to do to get free of this guy.

Also hope you can figure out why you were pulled into this. There is usually a good reason. There sure was for me.
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Old 10-20-2016, 11:39 AM
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I fully understand what you've been through, as I have been through this too many times to count, and have also lamented to this board at my darkest moments, hoping AH wouldn't die (if you read my posts you'll see a lot of that!). I still fight the urge not to worry about him. There's no magic answer on how to really, fully let go in these situations, but you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Handing it over to HP, realizing that your A is an adult who is in charge of his decisions, and that you can only control yourself, is a start. Wishing you peace, this really does wreak havocs with our sanity and emotions.
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