How to give to HP in moments of panic and uncertainty
 

It's been hours and haven't heard from my Abf. He was so determined when I talked to him this afternoon and even went to pick up his RX from his doctor today for his depression. Something he said he hasn't done during his relapsing but something that helped him during his sober times. He also had a long talk with his employer who decided to give him a final chance and he can go back to work tomorrow after he stopped his last binge 5 days ago.

He was starting the path to recovery and seemed so ready today. I can only imagine he fell off at some point this evening because he's disappeared again. I am away from home so have no idea if he is there or dead or alive.

I am devastated and not sure how to release this to God and be okay that his life isn't in my hands. Every horrific situation is going through my mind now and I'm afraid something happened and I am 1000% helpless. How do I give this to God?? I'm at a loss.

From my experience having gone through this too numerous times, all you can do & control is you.. One hour at a time, one foot in front of the other. You're going to be sad, angry, worried, sick to your stomach ... You can pray, exercise, walk, read, or whatever you can to pass the time& keep living your life for you.
Hopefully he will contact you soon, but in the meantime take care of yourself too., believe in yourself. You will be one stronger than you can imagine right now,& know that you will get through this with or without the abf there with you.
Take care & best wishes

Thank you. I'm on my knees praying harder than I ever prayed before. I need to know he didn't die. And I can't. I want to close my eyes and not wake until he calls. Trying to go to bed now and asking God to hear me - thank you for the advice. I told God I will leave if he just lets him be alive tonight. I promise.

you are assuming that this is his turning point. his bottom.

it's not.

let's see, after almost having the cops called, and almost being kicked out, he gets another chance.

after f'ing up big time at work, and almost being fired, he gets another chance.

he said the right words in the right order and people believed those words. he just ended another epic binge 5 days ago. he has now had time to regroup and get some rest, food....with a place to stay and someone looking after him.....and now that the hounds have been called off - AGAIN - he gets a reprieve and can carry on.

you "give him to God" when you realize he was never YOURS....the Universe did not gift him to you, or hand him over to your care.....you aren't giving him TO God, you are giving him BACK.

S,
Sending prayers to you that he is ok. We all love our addicts but we have no control. You give him to God to watch over him, that's the only thing we can do.

I have a sign at my desk that I read every day... "God didn't need me after all, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help."

Hugs my friend, I hope he is ok.

I just don't want him to die alone there. I just want someone to tell me he won't. I know I sound like a sick person here myself - I can almost pass out from the way this feels. I keep thinking that he can't die becUse he hasn't yet and it's just another binge, but we watched Leaving Las Vegas together Friday per his recommendation to help him face what can happen. I can't get the final scene out of my head now.

I promise if he is alive i promised to God just now I will leave. I've nothing left in me anymore. Tomorrow I can call police when back home because at least he can't destroy himself in jail. You are right - I am making him sick as much as I am making myself sick. Real love is to close the door. I'm worried I will die from this if he doesn't.

S,
There are many women and men who have died from their addictions. Only God knows what his future is. He never tells us. We pray that he will be safe.

Understand that you can only take care of you, not him. Hugs smarie, it is out of your control.

And then God spoke to me.

Just saw a call from abf. I ignored it since my panic episode passed and I was reading celebrity trash online and got my mind off of it. I asked God for a sign as I was in full blown panic , on my knees on the bathroom floor hysterical and praying desperately.. A sign that everything is gonna be ok. Despite 15 outbound calls to Abf and equal text messages all evening...he called.. Just once. No text or voicemail to explain. Just one call - enough for God to tell me he's got this and I can close my eyes for rest.

Talk about a HP moment ...

Smarie....I am glad that you heard from him.
How about hitting an alanon meeting....and a visit to your therapist?

So now what, Smarie? He's alive...

What next?

Hi Smarie,

I know that feeling of deep worry and fear so well. When my ex was in that stage with her drinking where she would disappear to drink, I developed panic attacks as a result of my immense fear of what might happen.

The bathroom floor was where I had many of my panic attacks too.

It is definitely worth getting some help yourself from a therapist to cope with those feelings. My therapist told me that when panic attacks first start occurring, they can be treated very successfully, but if they go untreated it can become harder to treat them later on, so sooner is better.

My therapist also told me to remember that anxiety in a situation where a loved one is at real risk of harm is not a false alarm triggering of the danger systems in the brain, but precisely the kind of situations that we evolved that system for.

Smarie it sounds like you're losing control of your emotions with an obsession about him dying when there was no real reason to think that. This is not good for you. Please seek help.
It's crazy that he's out having a good time while you're the one suffering. Try and cut the cord on him, and concentrate on your own mental health.

Thank you for the warm words. The last several hours have been really telling for me. Just spoke to Abf who is bright eyed and bushy tailed calling me saying "wow this phone is just horrible. Completely stops working and then comes back." . Granted his phone has been nearly kaput and we went to the cell place last weekend to get it fixed, but what I realized was that it simply didn't matter anymore.
It was the fact that he could speak to me so casually today with zero regard to what I went through all night. There was no acknowledgment of the worry and pain and sleeplessness he had to have known I experienced and even were it truly his phone, someone whose drinking has traumatized another so much would have found another way to contact. He has an iPad. It almost felt more painful to talk to him now and seemingly sobered up and normal, than it was not knowing if something happened.

This is where the disease logic goes out the window for me. I'm sick and tired of being abused. Of watching him destroy himself and getting to smile and head to work while I sit here on 3 hrs sleep sick from worry. God grant me the strength and ask him to leave tonight. If I don't I am likely to fall into a hole deeper than his. And better to leave if he is not actively drinking so at least that worry doesn't haunt me.

"I'm sorry, I was worried... contrary to what you may think I don't only think of myself. Every thought/concern in my daily life concerns you. I genuinely care for you and worry... "

A text he sent just Sunday night in reference to a doctor appointment I had yesterday. Everything out of his mouth is a lie.

Smarie, being with him is doing you no good at all.

He knew damn well how sick with worry you were that night.

He depended on you feeling that way. His addiction demands it.

If you are scared and off balance, literally crazy with fear and anxiety, his addiction is in control just like it wants to be. He knows you will be so relieved he is alive you wont dare lash out at him and he can continue on in his sick cycle.

I lived this scenario for years. I know how horrendous it feels.It made me very sick. I hope you manage to break free.

Smarie,
What is your plan??

"How to give to HP in moments of panic and uncertainty"


We run to Him in prayer as one would run to their Father when hurt.

We return often to give thanks.

M-Bob

Smarie, I hope you followed through and ended it. How horrible to live through that. You know what you need to know.