jjnorris

Tomorrow my husband and I celebrate 15 years of marriage. A month ago, I told him he needed to stop drinking. He is a functional alcoholic and had been since he was a teenager. He is a good man, holds a steady job, does not miss work, does stuff around the house, but never really more than necessary. He drank every day, 10+ beers, a couple a shots, more on weekends, passed out most nights by 8:30, drank when he drove, could never go anywhere without beer. We have a home and a 6 year old child. After walking out on my ultimatum, saying he would not quit, he came back, dumped all the alcohol in the house and quit. Not easy, a trip to the ER for severe withdrawal symptoms, he finally followed up with his doctor and was started on naltrexone and zoloft. We are about 5 weeks out and I am not OK. He refuses counseling, personal or couples. He faces my fears, when I make him, with a quick "if this doesn't work, we are done" he wants me to just get over everything. I am trying but I am hurt and afraid and I can't talk to him. I tell myself to take my time to decide what to do but he gets upset when I am not forgiving and forgetting fast enough. I am not sure about the eventual outcome of our marriage. We have been together for more than 20 years (6 before married) I am not ready to end that, although I recognize it is a possibility but I can't just bounce back either. I feel rushed to deal with my concerns, but don't feel he is available to help me either. I am not sure what I am asking here except, thoughts, tips, advice from those who have been here. Thought I felt like I was losing my mind when he was drinking, pretty sure his sobriety is taking what is left...

Bekindalways

Welcome jjnorris and so glad you came here. There are quite a few wise folks on this site so I hope you find it helpful.

Although many people use Soberrecovery as their main support, others have found Alanon helpful. Also please look for and read Codependent No More; it's pretty much the bible in these parts.

What you are going through is no joke (as you undoubtedly have noticed !!). Consequently circle every wagon you can to take care of yourself and detach from the situation with your husband.

Let us know how you are doing.

letitend

Welcome. I know what you are going thru. All except my xA was never sober for 5 straight weeks. During short periods of time when he was, it was difficult to deal with because he could not accept the consequences of his actions. He always 'had everything under control' and never acknowledged the pain he caused. We have a 6.5 year old son that he now goes days without talking to. A son he lived with for 6.5 years. As a side note, after 10 years together, I broke it off again. He learned nothing from the first year we separated. Addiction os truly mind boggling. You are not crazy. I would suggest reading about gas lighting. I realized I was gaslighted alot. It is hard and painful for me to accept all that I went thru. It is like coming out of PTSD shock. Read around, ask questions and take your time learning about your experiences. There are lots of similar stories. SR was my savior and the people here have some great insights and experiences. Big Hugs, you are not alone!

Maudcat

Hi, jjnorris. Welcome to Sober Recovery.

3littlebirds

Welcome jjnoris!

My husband and I have been together for 24 years and he is also a high functioning alcoholic. Goes to work everyday, does stuff around the house and is passed out around 8 or 9 too! He has never stopped drinking but I can imagine if he did he would not know how to deal with reality. I don't have much advice for you as I am just starting this crazy journey of healing (again for the hundredth time)! I just wanted to say hi!

maia1234

JJ,
Welcome, as you can see from the other posters you are not alone. You husband is nothing more then a dry drunk. Nothing has changed in his life but he eliminated alcohol. In my definition of getting sober is growing up, sobering up and working a program.

Those words are a mouthful. As you can see just not drinking is solving nothing. He still has the same characteristics of when he was drinking. If he is truly going to stay sober, he needs to find out why he was self medicating in the first place. He has to dig deep. So, you are not going crazy because you are not jumping for joy that he stopped drinking.

What are you doing for your recovery? Are you seeing an addiction therapist or attending alanon or aa meetings? Alcoholism is a family disease, he is the one with the drinking problem, but you are the insane wife. You need to start looking within yourself, to see how you have contributed to your codependency of living with an addict.

Take your time, educate yourself about addiction, ask questions. There is so much to learn that can help you, even if he chooses to drink or not. Hugs my friend, we are all here for you.

jjnorris

I thank you all for reaching out to me. This has been harder than I expected, not that I thought it would be easy. Having our anniversary and upcoming holidays seems to be adding pressure and mixed feelings. I am seeing a counselor and am trying to find an al anon meeting that I can get to, many in my area are closed and I have a crazy work schedule. But I recognize the importance of making the commitment of begin attending these meetings. I am reading everything I can get my hands on and have started to try to slow myself down, realize that although everything feels urgent it is not, I do not need to decide anything major today. I do not want to lose the man I have spent more than half my life with or disrupt my daughter's life, but I am not sure if I can keep up with how things are now, the fear, the worry for the future, the anger from the past. I am not this person, I do not want to be this person. I love my husband, but I am tired. Thank you again, I will continue to read and share here, knowing I am not the first to deal with this and am not alone is helping me to really look inside myself and find peace, regardless of the outcome of his sobriety or our marriage.

Bekindalways

^^^^^^

It sounds like a good start for you jj.

Recovery takes time and it is often said here, "Time takes time.".

Take care of yourself: eat well, stay hydrated, and get some exercise. Hmmm . . . you said you have a crazy busy job so maybe taking care of yourself means having an extra glass of water and parking at the far end so you have to walk across the parking lot . . . if you can even do this give yourself points.

honeypig

Hi, JJ--This short article explains more about "open" vs "closed" meetings. Hope it's helpful for you.

https://www.verywell.com/what-is-a-closed-meeting-63414

If you're looking into Alanon, you are most certainly qualified to attend a closed meeting.

Seren

Hello jj and welcome!

I'm so happy to hear you are getting some needed face-to-face support! The good news is that you don't have to make a decision right now...this very moment. With the help of your counselor, you get to decide what would be for the best in the long run. Wishing you peace!

jjnorris

Thank you for clarifying his for me, I am new to all of this and appreciate knowing these closed meetings are available to me. It definitely opens up some very good options for me to attend. Thank you