I fully understand what you've been through, as I have been through this too many times to count, and have also lamented to this board at my darkest moments, hoping AH wouldn't die (if you read my posts you'll see a lot of that!). I still fight the urge not to worry about him. There's no magic answer on how to really, fully let go in these situations, but you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Handing it over to HP, realizing that your A is an adult who is in charge of his decisions, and that you can only control yourself, is a start. Wishing you peace, this really does wreak havocs with our sanity and emotions.