wanttobehealthy

My "best friend" (enabler of alcoholic live in boyfriend living with she and her two kids- he is a total loser, leeching off of her and she is ok with it and defends him) and I have had endless go arounds about this loser bf of hers since he moved here a year and ago.

One day she's saying she's kicking him out bc of his drinking, the next she is saying it was a one time mistake and Im projecting my issues with xAH onto her bf and he has no issue.

Well, front and center in the local police log was a report about her bf having been arrested for 2 separate DWI's a month ago.

She is still defending him, saying that she's got boundaries in place (like he can't drive her car- DUH he lost his license) and is in rehab (court ordered) and of course he is still living with she and her kids.

She also has decided that she doesnt need to discuss this with her ex husband (the kids dad) and she's hoping he doesn't see the police log.

I am having a VERY hard time with this and feeling like it's a safety issue and that the dad has EVERY right to know that his kids are being made to live with a drunk (who is also violent).

I have told my friend that I love her and care and am concerned but can not continue to listen to her newest rationalizations and justifications of her bf's crap.

She is CLEARLY choosing him over her kids well being and seems to have rationalized that it is ok to not let her kids dad know about the DUI's even though the boyfriend lives there...

Im not about to do anything or tell the ex husband myself but I am so frustrated and angry and worried for the kids and upset and need help calming down...

I know this hits close to home for me, I know I did not listen to advice when I was given it about my now xAH... I know this is karma probably...

I just don't know how to be supportive anymore of an enabling, excuse making woman who clearly prefers to be with a loser drunk than provide her kids a stable home.... And frankly I think when her ex husband learns of this he may argue that the kids need to be with him more than 50% of the time and I would have to agree.

I have talked to my friend until Im blue in the face and she just ignores anything that is contradictory to what she wants to hear.

Im in tears out of frustration over this and was hoping for some perspective from you all before I lose my mind.

LexieCat

I think the safest thing to do might be to let CPS know. They aren't going to swoop in and take the kids away, but if the kids are in an unsafe situation they could require a change in custody to dad. Any reports are confidential, and the report potentially could have been made by a neighbor, a teacher, or anyone else.

Liveitwell

Agree with Lexie.

dandylion

wantobehealthy......I have the same first thought as Lexie...especially, since you o osted that he is violent.....A visit from CPS would probably be more of a wake-up call than any of your talking......
They are unlikely to just "snatch" the kids away...(unless there is a reason to do so)......but, they will investigate and try to offer her help in providing a safe and nurturing environment for the kids.....
You know very well...lol....how difficult it is to get through to a woman who is determined to hang onto a relationship......

I don't think you are out of line, at all, in placing boundaries on how much you are willing to listen to.......
If I were in your shoes, I would stop trying to talk "reason" to her....because, it is futile....she has heard y ou and doesn't want to hear it or heed it.....so, it is just a waste of your breath.....

Just because you love her doesn't mean that you can necessarly help her or enable you to "save" her from herself......

I think the innocent kids are the most important in the whole scenario.....

I think it is the responsibility of society to protect the young and vulnerable.....

dandylion

Hawkeye13

I also think the children should be the priority here.
A violent drunk who is not their biological father?
An enabling woman in denial who has chosen
to place an addict and his needs over protecting her kids?
An addict whose use is escalating with two recent DUIs?

Sounds like a perfect storm, and as always
the children will pay the most.

wanttobehealthy

Im distraught over this-- Im so fed up and so upset and so angry that she does NOT seem to care at all that her kids are being harmed.... And Im getting the same alcoholic blame BS from her that xAH gives me for trying to protect my own kids...

This is like a MASSIVE trigger at this point.

Hawkeye13

Hugs WTBH
I think you are having a healthy response quite frankly--

This is a very tough situation to witness and to decide how to respond,
most especially given what you've dealt with and continue to deal with.

dandylion

wantobehealthy.....I feel the same frustration every time I see a mother p utting a partner before her kids.....
Since this is a trigger for you...that I why I suggest that you detach from interacting with her about it....pace some boundaries on the relationship.....

The imoortant thing is to protect the children. If they are in harms way....an anonymous call to protective services could shine light on it....you don't have to give your name......

To my way of thinking....the children are more important than your relationship with her.....just like they are more I mportant than her relationship with him......

sometimes, hard decisions have to be made.....

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

I reached out to the dad.... I told him what I knew from witnessing it and the public article. I did this bc the "friend" was being a bit too bitchy in her forcefulness about how she had discussed it with the dad and he understood... And I did not believe her. So I know the dad somewhat and I reached out and said that my sole loyalty was to the kids and that he was a parent to them as much as her and what he chose to do with safety info was up to him but that I needed to have a clean conscience...

She is IRATE with me, raging, texting etc... Telling me all the same HORRID things that xAH says and said for setting limits and I am heartbroken...

This woman has been like a sister to me... I seriously feel like my heart has been ripped out- but I am not going to stand by knowing someone is allowing their kids to be in a not safe position and to LIE outright to the other parent...

I will probably also call childrens protective services on Monday...

Thomas45

I agree with Lexie, I'd likely put in a call with CPS. I'd also consider moving to a house or apartment where I didn't have to endure that kind of living drama.

dandylion

wantobehealthy.......I think you did the right thing to protect the children......

You are not trying to harm her....by protecting her children.....
someday, if she ever comes to terms with her co-dependency....she may thank you.....

Just because someone has been good to you at some time....doesn't mean that you are obligated to tolerate something that is against your moral conscience....
true friends do not require that from each other.....

I get how hard this is for you, emotionally....I would have the same conflicts if I had to face the identical situation, I think.....
But, as we know.....the right decisions are sometimes Very, Very hard!!!!!!!

dandylion

Hawkeye13

You should immediately block the calls and texts if you haven't already.
You aren't a dumping ground for someone else's anger and you don't have
to put up with it.

If it persists, get a restraining order.

LexieCat

That was pretty much why I suggested calling CPS rather than dad--it would have been anonymous so she couldn't put the blame on you (and dad would have found out as a result of the CPS investigation). Water under the bridge now, though.

You did the right thing, and for the right reasons. She may never forgive you, so maybe you just have to accept that the relationship with her is over. If she eventually gets out of this train-wreck of a relationship she might understand. But for right now you took a step to protect the kids, and you can take comfort in that.

least

I too would put the kids' safety above the 'friendship' with their mom since it seems that her priorities aren't too good right now.

Gonnachange

I agree. The safety of the children is paramount.

seek

Did you do an inventory of your motives? You sound super angry and maybe you were projecting your issues onto her. If he is in rehab and not driving her car, it's really her business who she chooses to live with.

You said he is "violent," but didn't give any details or evidence that the kids are in danger (and of course, if the kids are in danger, CPS should be called, but otherwise, you might not like the situation, but it is her business).

Just my two cents.

wanttobehealthy

I AM angry that two little boys are subjected to living with a drunk and have been subjected to his destruction of home items, verbal assaults and drunken rage for the last year since she introduced him to her home.

I AM angry that Ive been told Im delusional by her for being alarmed by his drinking and his rage that she has described in horrid detail to me but wants to do nothing to change.

Where kids are involved, BOTH parents get to have a vote about their safety and her choice to lie to the kids dad to protect her boyfriends cozy set up in her home and her inability to put her kids first, was a no brainer to me.

I did check my motives. The kids well being.

When a parent is so enmeshed in the addiction of her partner that she can't put her kids well being first, and is admitting to lying to the other parent and hiding safety info about the kids, then my moral code says someone has to speak up for the kids.

So am I angry? Yup. And it's a shame more people don't feel angry when kids aren't safe and do something about it.

Adults who want to be selfish don't get to mess with their kids safety in my book. I had people step in and give me the wake up call I needed in order to make me have to focus on my kids-- I have tried for a year to gently help this friend of mine and she is consumed with her relationship with a drunk loser who does not work and who she supports.

So now that he's legally getting himself into trouble and she can't be bothered to do what's right by her kids and then admitted to lying to the kids dad about the DWI issue with the boyfriend, I did not feel I could sleep at night knowing that the kids own dad did not have the info he needed to keep them safe if he so chooses.

Maybe there'd be less need for a ACOA thread if more people got angry and made themselves uncomfortable and stood up for kids stuck in bad situations...

And being in court mandated rehab and supposedly not driving (nothing to say he can't take the keys and drive) is not exactly a reassurance that the kids are safe...

wanttobehealthy

If there were not kids involved I would be happy to not pay attention to it. But kids who have to hide in their rooms bc of his rages when drunk and a mom who enables and lies to cover that and hides the truth of it from the kids dad -- no, I won't just turn a blind eye.

Kids deserve protection and if parents can't be sane enough to offer that to those kids, then those close enough to the situation to see how bad it is have a moral obligation to step in.

Just my two cents.

PuzzledHeart

As somebody who lived in an abusive situation (not my parents, but the woman they hired to take care of us), I thank you. If I were those two kids, I wouldn't give a rats' ass about what your motivation was when you called the dad/CPS. I would be so happy that an adult acknowledged that I was living in a unstable situation and had the strength to do something about it. All the neighbors heard our caretaker scream up and down the block and they did NOTHING. Nobody told my parents, and my caretaker was smart enough not to leave marks. She just used needles instead when emotional abuse wasn't enough for her.

I realize that I'm also projecting because my sister prefers to live/screw her pothead boyfriend and live in fantasy land rather than feed her two children, so my parents, her ex-husband, and my husband and I are left holding the cards. I realize that my sister acts this way because of the abuse she faced as a kid (not just from our caretaker but from others who saw her vulnerability), but I also realize that recognizing her pain doesn't mean that I turn a blind eye when it comes to HER children.

So yes call CPS.

seek

What is actually being reported to CPS? That the mom lives with an alcoholic in rehab? If there is abuse you are aware of, you failed to mention it. I think that's an important piece. Lots of kids have to live in dysfunctional families. If they are not being abused, there is nothing to report. Am I missing something?